“I will get to see her today, won’t I?”

She smiled a little as she stared off at the distance. It has been a long time, she thought.

“Do you think she has gotten more beautiful over these years?” She asked again.

The huge bed creaked as she turned to look at the penguin sitting upright on the other side of the bed—it was supposed to be a gift but she never had the chance to give it. She has been purposely placing the plushie right next to her when she sleeps to constantly remind her that there was once someone who greets her with smiles every time she opens her eyes.

“Yah Penguin. What do you think?”

However the stuffed toy stayed mute.

She heaved a sigh. It wasn’t like it would magically speak but it already became a habit for Chaeyoung to talk to the inanimate object almost every day. Chaeyoung slumped her back on the headboard and smiled wistfully as her mind recalled the bittersweet memories of the past.

“It’s been nearly three years since she broke up with me.” her voice soft as she continued.

“And sadIy I wasn’t over her still. I never wanted to get over her actually. I never stopped counting days, weeks, months—praying to every gods—hoping that she might come back to me—that she might have loved me still and would come knocking on my door in the middle of the night asking for forgiveness.”

Chaeyoung looked pensively at her intertwined fingers on her lap. “But that day never came.”

“She was my life. How am I supposed to get over that? The best memories were shared with her. In fact I have greatly changed when I met her.”

Chaeyoung’s mind swept back to the person she was before.

“Before, I would always get drunk. I smoked, partied up all night with a random chic to spend the night with on a stinking expensive hotel room. I never committed to any relationships. Yes, I was a jerk. I did not believe in the most over used word in the entire universe—love.” She laughed a little.

“You wouldn’t when your mother acts indifferently towards your father’s infidelity. Not when you avoid walking in the empty hallways of your house ‘cause you might get to hear those disgusting moans of those expensive mistresses of your father while your mother just literally sips tea while quantifying the zeroes of her mountainous collection of shoes and bags.”  

Chaeyoung eyed the stuffed toy like she was providing an explanation. “You see, we were not the picture perfect family. Though we were huge- rich, though our credit cards and banks were filled, our hearts weren’t. We were hollow and empty on the inside. So that’s why I’m quite rebellious.”  She shrugged.

“But that was before. It all changed when I first laid my eyes upon her. I thought she was so beautiful and pristine that a sinner like me shouldn’t be anywhere near around her.” Chaeyoung felt the familiar warmth spread across her chest and it made her genuinely smile.

“That was what I thought. But she came to me and cleansed my whole being more than any other holy entities could wash all of my impurities. Kissing her was like tasting heavens for the first time. It was completely different. She would laugh in between our kisses. She would often tell me how stupidly dazed I look every time after we would make out. Well who wouldn’t? She has the best lips and I am biased. Her moans were ten times heavenly. I have the dips and curves of her body burned in the back of my mind and all I think of is her—she was the epitome of perfection. She was surpassing the highest form of beauty when she calls out my name as she hits the crescendo of ecstasy, skin glistening with sweat, eyes tightly shut. Those moments felt so unreal that I was starting to doubt myself. How could there be an angel sleeping in my arms if I was just dreaming? We would cuddle. I’d watch her. She’d have her fingers dancing on my open palm and she’d hum a melody. Hearts were in sync. And we’d smile at each other. It was real. So damn real. Eventually she moved in with me in my penthouse. I practically begged her to. I told her I’d die if I wouldn’t see her or catch a glimpse of her in a day. She just laughed. How melodious it was. I wish she knew I could die with her presence and without. And that she became one of my addictions.”

Chaeyoung her dry lips. “One day she found out my addiction with nicotine as I was out smoking.”

In Chaeyoung’s mind replayed the image of her face scrunching in disgust when Chaeyoung took a long drag before dumping the cigarette in the ashtray.

“Stop smoking. It’s bad for your health.”

“Make me.” Chaeyoung challenged.

A small spark of mischief flashed in her eyes, but it faded and a thin, fleeting smile appeared on her lips.

“I won’t kiss you ever again if you smoke.” She said.

Chaeyoung was horrified. She couldn’t live without her kisses as much as cigarettes.

“But I’ve been smoking ever since. I can’t put an end to my addiction right away.” whined Chaeyoung.

She thought of something and then fished in her jean’s pocket.

“A lollipop?” Chaeyoung raised an eyebrow.

She dismissed the other girl’s inquisitive stare. She unwrapped the sweet treat and put in only to pull it out with a loud pop. “Yes. Take lollipops instead of cigarettes.” She the lollipop onto Chaeyoung’s slightly chapped lips. “You wouldn’t die out of cavities but in cancer you will.”

Smiling, Chaeyoung could only shake her head but she took the lollipop anyway.

“You’re impossible.”

“Getting over my addiction was harder than what I originally thought. There were times my hand would itch to grab and light up a stick but she would magically appear out of thin air and preach about people dying in lung cancer and such. God knows how she was being overly cute explaining complicated things with her broken Korean. I loved the way she smiled at me when she sees my improvement. And eventually, I no longer depended on those cancerous sticks, that all I ever needed was just her smiles.”

Chaeyoung inhaled deeply as she switched her gaze from the stuffed toy to the distance then to her lap.

 “The moment she came in my life, my perception over things have changed. For the better of course. Especially in the aspect of love. She taught me how to love and I might as well have learned really how to. I would oftentimes ask my parents to gather and sit in a peaceful dinner with her. Although I hadn’t exactly told her how nasty my family was, I guess she already had a clue based on my acts in the past, I introduced her to them and surprisingly they liked her. My relationship with them somehow got better albeit in baby steps. The progress wasn’t that great, nonetheless still a progress. My father stopped bringing es in our house-though he might be banging somewhere else but at least he does it discreetly- And my mother veered some of her attention to our household and started to care or at least she pretends to.”

 “Anyways, she was my everything. I fell into her deeper and deeper- more and more each day.”

Her tone shifting into more sincere.

 “I began to think about destiny—how fated we were. She completes me and I was completely losing myself to her. But I don’t mind. No, not at all. As long as she’s with me.” Chaeyoung felt a lump on grow, the dull ache on her chest became apparent.

“Little did I know at some point in everything, there is a downhill. I can’t exactly remember how it all started-the beginning to our end—but there’s one thing I was certain of—that it was the worst. I should’ve known better than to think the alignment of stars in the sky would stay forever and so was our love. But nothing ever stays the same. Everything has its end. My faith in destiny had been wrecked.” Nostalgia seeped into Chaeyoung and it brought nothing but pain.

“It was one of the cold nights of December. We were both screaming at the top of our lungs. Neither of us listened. I rarely see her mad let alone shouting. Rationality doesn’t stay in the forefronts of our mind. Emotions do. I was fueling the fire and it grew to the point of swallowing us whole. I was also fuming with anger at that time. The devil is on our shoulders, beckoning to spew poisonous words. All I ever saw was red. I hadn’t noticed the tears started streaming down her face.”

“Chaeyoung-ah” she said softly.

“I stopped momentarily. She held my hand and led it to her chest. I felt her heartbeat—it was painfully throbbing. She placed her palm on my chest. My heart was erratically beating out of hate and fury—and it hurt too.”

“Maybe we aren’t meant for each other.”

“It felt like Death tore my still beating heart from my chest the moment her words fell on my ears. The pain was too overwhelming, my mind swirled and my eyes stung. I broke down in tears. The next think I knew is her walking out the door, shoulders shaking as both of us were crying. I wanted to tell her that we can fix this mess and we’ll make it through. I wanted to run after her like a lost puppy-like how the dawn has always followed the night. But she never looked back, she kept on walking. I wished time would freeze so that she wouldn’t be taking any step further away from me.  But the sound of ticking hands of time only grew louder in every passing second, like it was mocking me and telling me that the world wouldn’t turn the way I wanted it to. That day I hated the world most, and mostly myself. I was so childish and immature back then. I lost count on the times I stood at her door and begged for forgiveness-stripped bare of pride and ego, telling her countless of promises that I failed at fulfilling. I courted her again, asked help from our friends, I did my best to get her back. But she was adamantly refusing. However rejection did not limit me from pursuing her. I knew love was still there in her eyes but pain shrouded it most. Still, I didn’t give up. I was bordering the line of obsession and I admit that. I knew of her schedules and whereabouts and I followed her wherever she went—from her school to her house. I just can’t help it. I needed to see her just like how I needed air to live.”  

Chaeyoung and Jeongyeon have been driving around town, following the itinerary she had acquired through connections. They have been sitting for roughly three hours inside the sleek black car parked alongside the road near a coffee shop.

“Enough Chaeyoung dongsaeng, let’s head home.”

“No unnie 20 more minutes.” Chaeyoung bargained, her grip on the stirring wheel tightened at the sight of a brunette smiling goofily whose face was getting awfully close to the red haired girl sitting across the table who was giggling in return.

Jeongyeon sighed inwardly, massaging the bridge of her nose. She sometimes hated Chaeyoung’s stubbornness.

“This is stalking. It’s illegal. Let’s go now before she catches us.” She said sternly but it fell on deaf ears.

“That’s it. You’re drawing the last straw.” Chaeyoung hissed under her breath, hastily removing her seatbelt and angrily marching outside.

“Hey! Hey Chaeyoung!” Jeongyeon quickly followed suit. She matched Chaeyoung’s full strides and grabbed her arm, forcefully making her turn around.

“Stop this madness Chaeyoung! She’s happy now. Don’t you see?! We better leave her alone.”Jeongyeon tried slapping some sense into the younger but she wasn’t having any of it.

Chaeyoung glared menacingly at the older. She harshly removed Jeongyeon’s hold on her arm and went on without a word.

Chaeyoung pulled her lips into a straight line as she thumbed her right knuckle. She looked at the stuffed toy once more. “I landed a fist on Momo’s face out of jealousy. I was so mad thinking how it was so easy for her to replace me in short span of time. I was ready to beat the life out of that flirty peach but then, she came to her aid. I swear to god I thought no words could come in par with those what she said to me when we broke up. I was wrong. It hurt. More than I could ever imagine. Do you know what she said to me?”

Chaeyoung was breathing heavily. Right after the door was pushed open, she made sure that unsuspecting ’s gonna get it wildly in a flash. The brunette was down on the ground, lips busted. The crowd gasped and watched in mute horror as Chaeyoung grabbed the other girl’s collar. Before she could inflict more damage on the brunette’s face, the red haired companion pushed her away.

“What the hell is wrong with you Chaeyoung?!”

Chaeyoung sprung to her feet within an instant.

“What is wrong with me?! Ask that to yourself being so damn flirty with that !” She spat back.

She scoffed in reply, this was unbelievable. She was being stalked. “So this is what it’s all about huh?” Her eyes ardently sparked with ire. “Stop being so childish and petty! You’re being irrational. It makes me sick. We’re already through Chaeyoung. I never want to see your face again.”

“I was so pathetic, wasn’t I?” Chaeyoung chuckled at herself. She wanted to cry but no more tears came. Her eyes were long gone dry.

“But I’ve known her for too long. She didn’t mean those words. It was just a spur of the moment. As the weeks passed, I grew steadily more anxious about not seeing her for a long time. So I got back to my addictions—drinking and partying in the clubs. But never with the sleeping with someone and the smoking. I could never touch other woman like how I used to touch her. I tried hooking up with people and one night, I brought a girl around my age over here at home. I saw her eyeing our pictures hung on the walls that I never bothered taking down. Those were too precious to sit on a corner and gather to dust. I lost it when she cradled the picture frame I placed on my nightstand and asked who she was. I retracted the frame out of her grasp and screamed at her face to get out. It didn’t feel right. It was so wrong in many levels. It was disgusting to think that I was about to do such obscenity in my house—in our haven. It made me sick at the thought. As for the cigarettes, I don’t know but her threat of not kissing me ever again was haunting me still. Drinking was my ultimate vice. I know I’m still a mess. I would be wasted every night—a never ending cycle. And sometimes I would drunk call her at 2 am, incoherently muttering pleas and apologies—that I still love her more than life itself—that I was sorry for being a jerk and I wanted her back. I kept bugging her and she wasn’t even changing her contact number even though I was pestering her to no end. I have no idea what does she want to imply on that. There are times that I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me; I can hear her breathing softly on the other line when I phone her at my drunken haze. But I’d like to believe she was listening. Even if she doesn’t utter a single word, at least I knew she was listening to me.”

“I want another drink!”

“No miss, you’re too drunk. We’re about close now. We need to contact someone to get you home. Miss where’s your phone?”

Chaeyoung heard the young bartender ask. She was heavily intoxicated, she could only make out the few words. Contact. Someone. Phone. Home.

Her words are slurry but she managed to say. “Not going home. Unless she picks me up. More drinks.”

The bartender sighed. “I guess I have to call her again.” He retrieved the drunk girl’s bomber jacket lying on the bar countertop and rummaged the pockets in search for her phone.

“Yes call her.” Chaeyoung started chanting the series of number she had memorized by heart.

He punched the numbers and hit dial. After the second ring, someone picked up.

“I’m sorry to bother you but—“

The static voice cut him off.

“It’s okay. I’m coming.” Then the person hung up.

Chaeyoung straightened her back. “Is that her?”

He sighed for the second time. “Yes.” He returned behind the bar and began wiping the counter top with a cleaning rag.

Chaeyoung grinned like a child. She rested her left cheek on folded her arms. Trying to fight her heavy lids, she watched him work.

“Say young miss, how does your ex-girlfriend look like?” He suddenly became interested about the black haired girl’s past relationship. She was coming to the bar almost every day and would stay up until closing time. She was drinking for the same reason-about the love of her life leaving her. And it wasn’t new to him. He was curious, why was she so hung up about her ex?

“Perhaps the Japanese girl who picks you up every time was your lover?” He added to his queries.

Chaeyoung pursed her lips. She never knew the one who helps her to get home. She’s never awake when that someone arrives but she describes her ex-lover instead. With a dreamy look, she spoke. “She’s beautiful. With long crimson red hair. So Elegant. Beautiful. A heartbreaker.” She laughed when she mentioned the last word. “But I love her.”

The bartender didn’t press for more. Chaeyoung was glad. She was already comfortable with the silence that hung between them since sleep was weighing down her lids.

“Ahh thank God she’s here.” Chaeyoung heard the bartender sigh in relief. She caught a whiff of perfume the figure. The scent was too familiar to ignore. Too bad, a girl with a light brown hair was the last thing she saw before everything turned black.

Chaeyoung woke up with a loud groan and a massive headache. She blindly searched for aspirin on her nightstand. It should be there somewhere. She feels eternally blessed somehow at the girl who took her home. She really knows Chaeyoung’s necessity.

She tossed two pills into and sipped the prepared glass of lukewarm water.

  Sighing, she propped an arm on her forehead. She was about to catch some sleep when she heard footfalls echoing. She did not expect any visitor at this time of the day. Nonetheless, she was too tired to even bother. Let them roam around her house and steal everything. She cared not. This headache isn’t going to leave her anytime soon.

An approaching tall figure entered her peripheral vision.

“Chaeyoung.” A familiar gruff voice called out.

It was her father. She grunted in annoyance.

“Why are you here old man?”

Letting out a deep breath, the man closed his eyes. “Can we talk?”

“We are already talking right now.” She emphasized.

“Chaeyoung I worry about you. I am your father-“

“Then act like it!” she roared.

He matched her volume. “Just please listen to me!”

They had a staredown but eventually Chaeyoung gave in, scoffing. She folded her arms across her chest, gaze away from her father.

“I know very well—of how you despise me and this wretched family.” He kept his composure and continued. “I might have neglected you but you must understand. Your mother and I—Things between us never worked out. As much as we want you to live in a perfect family, it was impossible. So we gave you freedom instead. We hoped in your freedom you can grow as a better person. But it turned out to be the complete opposite—you were just ruining yourself Chaeyoung.”

His words struck her. felt constricted at the moment as well as her heart. She bit her lip and prevented the tears from falling.

Seeing his daughter hurt, he felt bad. He was never father figure to her. Guilt ate him inside. But he was hopeful he could make things right.

“You’re still young Chaeyoung.” She finally looked at him.

“You can take a better path. It’s your choice whether you wish to stop living your life in misery. I want to help you. For all of the mistakes that I have done, this is the only way that I can make it up to you. Live a new life. Be a better person Chaeyoung.”

“A lot of things happened to me after that day. What I thought I needed was an emotional maturity so I decided to take his offer. I attended a university abroad and took up fine arts. I left everything behind and brought with me the memories I had of her. They say time heals everything but my love only grew fonder with the distance and time. In those past 2 years, I can totally say that I have changed for the better—I became a better person.”

Chaeyoung looked at the metal band around her ring finger. It gleamed under the light. That was the only thing that enabled her to get by during her stay halfway across the globe.

“I want her to see me now—the person that I’ve become. Though I know I’m not getting her back. If we are not for each other then I must learn to accept. She was the love of my life and maybe I wasn’t just hers.” Her tone soft and calm, she felt no more pain in her chest. She doesn’t clearly know if this is what moving on means. But there’s one thing she knew she was certain of—her heart flutters at the same name.

Chaeyoung’s eyes widened at the thought.

“Ahh! I forgot to tell you your owner’s name! Aish silly me. I’ve been talking for so long but I forgot to mention her.” She laughed at herself.

“Her name is Mina. Myoui Mina.” The name perfectly rolls in her tongue.

“The same person who owns the ring inside your pocket.”

Chaeyoung glanced at the digital clock. An hour swiftly passed by. Grabbing the wedding invitation on her nightstand, she sprung to her feet.

“I better go now. The reception might be starting soon.” She looked at the stuffed toy once more as she smiled.

“Might as well as not miss the chance of seeing Mina on a wedding gown.”

Chaeyoung headed to the door, leaving the penguin stuffed toy behind.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Did I say fluff?

 Sorry for the grammar. The story might be a little confusing.