Wake up.

 

Struggle to get out of bed. Its 5:30am, for God's sake.

 

Feet on the floor, stretch and yawn.

 

Silence alarm on phone. It gets annoying after the first time.

 

Stand up and wobble awkwardly for a moment.

 

Drag myself to Namjoon's bed, shake his arm gently and say his name.

 

“Namjoon. Namjoon. Dude, wake up.”

 

No use.

 

Let him sleep for another 5 minutes.

 

Waddle out to the common area, smell the coffee brewing.

 

Hoseok must already be awake.

 

Make a cup. 2 teaspoons of sugar and a splash of cream.

 

Sit down on the couch in silence, hearing the shower run.

 

Hear some more sounds, the others are waking up.

 

Sounds like Jimin has to drag Jungkook out of bed again.

 

Damn kids.

 

Makes me sound like a Grandpa.

 

Take a sip of coffee. It tastes burnt.

 

Decide not to drink it, pour it down the sink and get a glass of water instead.

 

Jin comes out of his room, looking like a zombie, heading straight for the fridge.

 

Takes out an already-peeled orange, must of done it last night, closes the fridge and goes back into his room.

 

He must not be awake yet.

 

Go and sit back down on the couch in silence until Jimin and Jungkook finally emerge, sitting on opposite sides of me.

 

Their eyes are baggy.

 

This schedule is killing us all.

 

Wonder where Hoseok is, its almost 6 and he hasn't shown himself.

 

Usually doesn't shower for so long.

 

Stand up from the couch, try not to look worried.

 

Its hard to remove that look of anxiety from your face.

 

Especially when Hoseok's the one who works the hardest for what he does.

 

Always dancing, until dawn breaks, sometimes only sleeping an hour or two.

 

Make my way to the bathroom, gently knock on the door.

 

“Hobi, you almost done?”

 

No answer.

 

Shower is still on.

 

Worry, worry, worry.

 

Turn the knob, its unlocked.

 

Walk in and close the door.

 

He's slumped down in the shower, towel just barely covering him.

 

“Hobi.. You're an idiot.”

 

Turn the shower off, cover him with another towel, and shake him awake.

 

“..Did I pass out again..?”

 

“Yeah. Come on. You should go lay down. I'll explain your absence to Manager..”

 

“N-No! I have to keep working.. I can't let you guys down..”

 

Bite my lip, giving in to him.

 

Already off to a bad start.

 

-

 

Finish up in my room, clothes on, backpack full.

 

Snacks, water, phone and earbuds, extra socks, hoodie in case it gets cold, deodorant.

 

The others probably packed similar bags.

 

Manager says we're going somewheres special today and to pack appropriately for an over-night stay.

 

Probably a t.v program.

 

Another one.

 

So tiring.

 

Go back into the common room after locking my door, everyone is gathered.

 

They all look so tired.

 

Even Jimin looks exhausted.

 

Hoseok can barely stand up without the support of Jin.

 

Taehyung is absentmindedly playing with a bracelet on his wrist.

 

Namjoon is sipping the burnt coffee, probably ignoring how bad it tastes because Hoseok made it.

 

Leader is so kind.. He works hard too.

 

To keep us happy, to arrange things so we don't have to strain ourselves.

 

I wish I could be like him and help.

 

-

 

On the bus.

 

Cameras pointed at us.

 

I try my best to look uninterested.

 

Nod my head to some music.

 

One of our songs, Dead Leaves.

 

I forgot how good this song was.

 

Almost forgot my own words to it.

 

Inhale, sigh.

 

Someone's snapping their fingers infront of my face.

 

Jimin.

 

Pull out an earbud.

 

“..are you excited for today?”

 

Nod my head in agreement, try to look happy.

 

“Yeah. It sounds like its going to be a good time. I hope I can give everyone something great to enjoy.”

 

And earbud back in once the attention is gone.

 

It's going to be a long day.

 

-

 

At the beach.

 

Hoseok and Taehyung have their shoes off, looking through the sand for something.

 

Shells, maybe.

 

Oh, Hoseok pulled out a mission letter.

 

Time to pay attention.

 

“BTS 'Fun Boys' mission! Find the 'Seashell' among the rocks!”

 

Whatever that means.

 

They all look around.

 

I just try to look happy.

 

Or at least, not dead inside.

 

-

 

They found the 'Seashell'.

 

Its a gas station centered inbetween some large brick buildings.

 

The next clue is inside, behind the cashier counter.

 

I elect to stay outside the door.

 

My head hurts.

 

I'd rather be back at the studio, recording, or remixing, or something.

 

Anything besides doing a mission for a stupid t.v program.

 

-

 

Jungkook cut his hand open at the place we stopped to eat at.

 

He dropped a glass and tried picking it up.

 

We told him no, don't worry about it.

 

But he did it anyways.

 

And laughed about it.

 

I wish I still had that.. 'childish wonder' in my heart like he did.

 

Probably would have gotten pissed if that happened to me.

 

-

 

Manager taps on my shoulder.

 

“You haven't done anything all day.”

 

“I know. I'm sorry.”

 

Feel like I'm pushing too much work on everyone else just because I'm tired.

 

They're tired too.

 

My turn to step in.

 

I say something I don't even remember, something about the program.

 

I don't know.

 

Read off the next mission.

 

“BTS 'Fun Boys' mission! Ah..”

 

Struggle to read the words for a minute, things going fuzzy.

 

“Ah.. To.. Find the tallest lady in the world.”

 

Hand the mission card to Namjoon and stumble away off-camera.

 

Fuzzy.. Blurry.. Floor.

 

-

 

Wake up in a bed.

 

Hoseok is curled up next to me, holding my hand.

 

Nighttime.

 

Jimin, Jungkook, and Taehyung are asleep in the next bed over.

 

“Thank God you're awake..”

 

Namjoon, standing up from a chair across the room.

 

Jin is asleep in a chair next to him, his head propped up on a desk.

 

He sits next to me, rubbing my cheek with his thumb.

 

“You kind of just.. collapsed.”

 

“Yeah, I guessed.”

 

Try to sit up.

 

Held down by Hoseok's grip.

 

“Just rest.. You all need it.”

 

“You need it too.. Why aren't you sleeping?”

 

“A dad has got to take care of his children.”

 

Look away from him, forgetting he has responsibilities.

 

I wish I could take them off his shoulders and let him rest in my place.

 

-

 

Morning.

 

Didn't even realize I fell back asleep.

 

Hoseok is facing away now, curled into himself.

 

Namjoon and Jin leaning on eachother, asleep.

 

Only 4am.

 

I slept for too long.

 

Its my turn to be someone they can depend on.

 

Get out of bed as quietly as possible, slip shoes on, pull hoodie over head, grab keycard, and leave.

 

They all deserve a break.

 

I'm the oldest, and I haven't been taking care of them like I should.

 

Even with Namjoon as leader, I'm still his hyung.

 

He needs a dad sometimes, too.

 

-

 

Coffee.. Sweet buns.. Ramyun.. What else?

 

Got a basket full of things for breakfast.

 

Trying to think of what each person would want to eat.

 

Grab some rice chips too, and fruit pies.

 

Oh, a bottle of fruit juice to share.

 

Mango-strawberry, sure.

 

How will I make the coffee..

 

They sell coffeemakers here.

 

I hope I have enough money.

 

Grab the smallest one, since its all I can afford.

 

Check out and leave, walking slowly back.

 

They need all the sleep they can get.

 

I'll set everything up around 7.

 

, someone recognized me.

 

Pull the hood up and walk faster, turning down an alley.

 

A cat looks up at me and mews, and I smile.

 

How cute.

 

-

 

Everyone starts waking up as the coffee finishes.

 

“Yoongi..?”

 

Namjoon rubs his eyes, waking Jin up with his movements.

 

“I got you guys breakfast.. 'Cause I ed up yesterday..”

 

Give them all a grin, rubbing my neck.

 

Its the least I can do for them, if I can't be a good team member.

 

“You didn't have to--”

 

“I did. I let you all down yesterday. Hoseok was more tired than I was, yet I'm the one who ruined everything..”

 

Jimin sits up, blinking slowly as Jungkook presses his face into the pillows.

 

“I just want to be the hyung that you guys need.”

 

-

 

They all happily eat their breakfast.

 

Jungkook is still fighting to stay awake, but squishes half a bun into his mouth anyways.

 

I just sip some coffee.

 

Not really hungry.

 

“Yoongi, eat.”

 

Hoseok shoves me, a playful grin on his face.

 

He seems much better today.

 

Lack of sleep and nutrition s anyone up, even a guy as energetic as him.

 

Sigh.

 

“Fine.”

 

Take a sweet bun, munch on it.

 

Tastes bland today.

 

Too much coffee, maybe.

 

-

 

Back on the bus.

 

Back home.

 

At least, what we have to call home for another year or two.

 

Its alright.

 

At least I can be with them.

 

Help them out.

 

And hey, new coffee maker.

 

Maybe it wont taste burnt anymore.

 

-

 

Back in the dorm.

 

Manager gave us the week off once we came back.

 

We'd have to record another episode next week when we come back.

 

But we could really use the rest.

 

-

 

Spent the rest of the day in my room, writing lyrics in my head.

 

Kind of want to go swimming.

 

Kind of want to sleep.

 

Swim.

 

Sleep.

 

Swim..

 

Sleep...

 

-

 

Its 1am now.

 

I fell asleep.

 

Wonder if anyone else is awake.

 

Trudge out the door, Hoseok is sitting on the couch, his nose in a tablet.

 

Must be a dance lesson.

 

“Yoongi! Come sit with me.”

 

Sit down next to him without a word.

 

Just watch the video with him.

 

He loves his dance.

 

He wouldn't give it up for the world.

 

Practices and learns even on his days off.

 

I want to be like him.

 

I want to be like Namjoon, too.

 

And Jungkook.

 

I wish I had the spirit, the energy, the passion, to be like all of them.

 

Even Jin, who eats without worries about his waistline.

 

Jimin, who sings his heart out, gives fanservice like no one else can.

 

And Taehyung, who can let his feelings pour out of him, doesn't have to hide or pretend he's someone different, because all he is, is himself.

 

My face is suddenly wet.

 

“Hey, whats wrong?”

 

-

 

I explained everything to him.

 

He's someone I can confide in.

 

And someone who can always cheer me up.

 

I trust him so much.

 

He's hugging me close, patting my back.

 

“You shouldn't have to worry.. You're a great hyung.. Everyone loves you. You do your best, and thats all that matters. Everyone has something special about themselves. Me and my dancing, Namjoon and his leadership, Taehyung and his undeniable vocal skills.. Do you know what you have?”

 

Shake my head, burying my face into his shoulder.

 

“You are our glue. You hold us together. When everything else fails.. When we can't seem to stand anymore.. You show us that we are a family, that we need to stick together. You're strong, Yoongi. You showed me that when you helped me stand yesterday.. When you bought all of us breakfast after you had a fall the night before. You.. Are someone I look up to, and hope to be like someday.”

 

Shakey inhale.

 

Shakey exhale.

 

And more wetness.

 

And endless hugs.

 

-

 

Morning again.

 

Hoseok is hugging me as we sleep, his hand placed as if he was rubbing my back all night.

 

Curl up closer to him, wiping my face on my hand.

 

Dried tears, feel like glue on my face.

 

'You are our glue..'

 

Am I?

 

Feels like I make us fall apart more than anything.

 

'You hold us together..'

 

'You show us that we are family, that we need to stick together..'

 

I sniffle, remembering his kind words.

 

'You are someone I look up to..'

 

I laugh a little.

 

Not sarcasticly, or doubtful at all.

 

But..

 

Happily.

 

I thought I was trash.

 

That I was a nobody to them.

 

Like this group could do the same or even better without me.

 

But they need me, as much, or even more, than I need them.

 

We keep eachother going.

 

Through tough times.

 

Anti-fans.

 

Low ratings.

 

Disses from other groups or rappers.

 

We are here for eachother, for the fans, for ourselves.

 

And nothing will come between us.

 

We are family.