The loud thud of a gun that launches an empty shell is the sign for her to start, not just the race she’s about to take part in but also a start of her interlude as she going to push herself to the limit, to reach the end, to meet her goal and to present a new beginning to her life. The other contestants are pushing their way around her, some try to make it to the very front line in the fastest time possible, while she’s waving goodbye to the man that’s grinning happily with such hopeful stare in his eyes. He’ll be at the finish line and she knows they both can take a new start once she finishes this race.

Kim Hyoyeon is always the person with great physical built, great stamina and great interest in many sports since she was little. She’s been representing her schools in many sporting events, swimming, basketball, gymnastic, and many more. She got her easy way to college from the gymnastic scholarship and she continued to excel in more sports ever since.

But her hobby is always running, she like to tell herself that she’s a recreational runner. Not the one that seek for competition, not the one that tries to set some time goal to somebody who run to burn certain calories because they’re told to by the doctors.

She runs because she loves to. But today, she runs to prove something to herself—and to redeem what she lost.

To anyone who’s ever been in a running race, the early start will always feel the same, you’re hopeful but still try to keep some of your strength for the remaining distance. But when you have 42. 195 kilometers, you have to prepare a strategy to still be able to run to the finish line, and this is the real challenge she’s facing today.

No matter how great of a sportswoman she is, how many championship she won and how many medals she got, she never did anything that pushes her limit to this extend. This is a new experience for her but that doesn’t mean she didn’t come prepared. She’s been spending the last five months in her life for today.

Maybe all other runners alongside with her get their own reasons also, to proof themselves, to counquer their own best time, to have fun, or like her, to seek for self-forgiveness. She likes to pretend this race is a journey back into the tragedy she and her husband had to face months before, she thinks that by doing this, she would slowly take back to the time when their marriage was tested and slowly she’d find her peace along the miles she passes through.

Kim Hyoyeon stops paying attention to the contestant around her and just focus on the upbeat music she has in her earphone and put her eyes on the prize. For each kilometer she passes through she feels like she walks back to the beginning of their story.

*

She met with him in a simple local concert her big brother brought her to, back then her brother was in a band and Kyuhyun was the keyboardist of the band. It was something around that time to be in a band and have your band got recognized all around the campus and her brother’s band was lucky to be one of the campus band that got girls chanting over their name.

When she first met him, she didn’t find anything special from him. Cho Kyuhyun was only a regular guy in her eyes, he’s a friend of her brother and she was entirely being polite when they were both introduced. A quiet and cool guy didn’t interest her that much. She prefers somebody that’s responsive to her chatters to compliment her talkative personality, Cho Kyuhyun was far from that as he usually just sit in the corner, paying attention to his engineering book or his music book—nothing more.

But they both slowly find each other as a comfortable friend, because Kyuhyun often visited her house to practice music with her brother and soon they become a good friend that can talk about deeper matters, like life view, their believes in the existence of God, if alien exist, if evolution theory a hoax, and so many more. She learned slowly that behind his quite attitude, the man really has deep understanding about the universe and he wasn’t afraid to speak out his mind, even if sometimes his thought was not what the majority of human population believe in—but it’s what interest her about him, because he dared to think differently and have a lot of theories to back-up his reasons.

One day, he was waiting for her brother at her home and Hyoyeon came home with weepy eyes. She burst out to him, telling him that she’s been cheated by the boyfriend of three years that she adored so much. Kyuhyun sat there and listen to her, didn’t try to console her or say useless things such as ‘it’ll get better’ or ‘you’ll get over him soon’ because he knew that it’s impossible—he just went through a bad breakup not long before hers.

But that day had changed them both, they started texting each other and his reason to go to her house shifted from meeting her brother to meeting her. They believe it’s what people say the relationship that started from an understanding and comfort towards each other, a kind of friendship that leads into something more. After months they spent on being closer, he finally braced himself to asked her out. He asked permission from her brother and in the end, their friendship became stronger as they love each other deeper.

To Hyoyeon, their relationship isn’t the sweet kind, Kyuhyun was far from being a mushy man that charmed her with gifts, he never tried hard enough to give her any compliment, he didn’t even try to do any sweet talk to her. When she acted out about it, he simply just said “What’s the use of all that? it’s only words, I’d rather show you how much you mean to me than just flatter you with words we’re both uncomfortable with.”

She realized that day that she’s stuck with a guy with a cool personality, someone who put reasons before his every actions and someone that she has to continuously impress if she wanted him to be around—someone that’s perfect to fulfill her competitive mindset.

Two years into their relationship, he did something she never expect him to do. Cho Kyuhyun took her on a road trip and despite all the cringe on his face, he got down on his knees and asked her hand in marriage. For he knew that she’s the one for him. she’s somebody that always tries to impress him, the one that put a smile on his face, the one that can argue with his reasons that sometimes a little too bizarre to be understood, the one he really fell in love with.

And of course she didn’t have to think when she said yes.

*

Hyoyeon lower her pace once she sees the water station ahead, she looks into her watch and realize she’s been running for three hours and she only conquered eighteen kilos so far. She curses to herself, knowing she’s too slow from her target pace. She takes the water bottle offered by the officials and took a little time to breathe while she’s remembering every training she went through the past five months.

All this crazy idea popped out from her doctor. She was having a regular monthly checkup and in the last meeting, her doctor told her that she’s now completely healthy and recovered.

“You can even run a marathon, if you want. You are that healthy now.” He said with a big smile on his face.

Those words triggered something in her. She knew she always like to run and she remembered she once had a dream to finish one marathon in her life. She talked to Kyuhyun about her crazy plan and to her surprise, he said “why not? I’m sure you’ll do great.”

So she started her training plan.

She set up her training plan ahead for the Seoul Marathon that still five months away, practices every night by running at least three kilos and gradually adding her distance to fasten her pace. She joined a running club to gain supports and some new running buddies to run together with her during her practices and she put up many achievable running and distance goals for herself to keep her motivated until the big day comes.

She wasn’t alone, Kyuhyun who never really like sport sometimes joined her in the practice, her brother Kangin also joined in when he has some spare time, her girlfriends would go with her weekend training and they all keep on supporting her on her goal. For they all knew the reason she’s doing it and they knew how important it is for her to finish this race.

*

Their early marriage was like any newlyweds should be. They learned to live together with each other, learned new things they never seen from one another before and learned to manage a house together. He stopped playing in the band ever since he graduated and focus on his job in an engineering company to fulfill her needs and to bring the food on the table while she uses her sport skills to teach little yoga classes at the back of their home.

In marriage, there’s always one thing that’s expected from the couple, and in their eleventh month of marriage, they both got the great news. She’s pregnant and both of them couldn’t be happier to welcome their baby that soon will come into their live.

She experienced symptoms most woman felt during their pregnancy: nausea, mood swing, increase in appetite and unreasonable craving that sometimes would test his patience. But Kyuhyun followed everything she wanted, for him as long as his wife and baby are happy and healthy, he’d go an extra mile for both of them.

Their excitement continues as the baby grows, they started to transform her craft room into a nursery. They agreed on choosing neutral color for the room and they got exited every time they visit baby shops and she couldn’t contain herself from not wanting a changing station that one day could be transform into their child’s little desk once they grow—and of course, Kyuhyun would lose an argument over this and finally gave in and bought her what she asked.

Everything went well until her check up on the fifteenth week. During the ultrasound, her doctor’s face doesn’t look too happy and he suggested her to have another checkup within the next two days.

“Is there something wrong with our baby, doctor?” He asked.

“I can’t confirm anything yet. The heartbeat is strong and your baby grows as it should, but we have to look at it further.” The doctor explained.

Both of them started to be worried.

She didn’t feel anything wrong during her pregnancy, she felt as healthy as any pregnant woman should be and didn’t her doctor even said that the baby grows normally with a strong heartbeat? So what’s the problem? Why she’d have to go to another ultrasound and some test?

Two days later they redo the ultrasound with a more advance technology and got the information no expecting parents wanted to hear. The news they got struck like a lightning, they both were caught off guard and none of them really understood what was wrong with their baby’s condition, so the doctor had to repeat himself for the second time.

"gastroschisis ectopia cordis." The doctor repeated himself.

The couple sat in front of him curl their forehead, the only thing they understood from the alien term is ‘gastro’ which means abdomen, but the rest are mystery.

“Gastroschisis occurs early during pregnancy when the muscles that make up the baby’s abdominal wall do not form correctly. A hole occurs which allows the intestines and other organs to extend outside of the body, usually to the right side of belly button. Because the intestines are not covered in a protective sac and are exposed to the amniotic fluid, the bowel can become irritated, causing it to shorten, twist, or swell.” The doctor explained the term into something chewable for the couple.

“So what you mean is there’s a defect in my pregnancy?” She stuttered.

The doctor nodded.

“But we can fix it later on right? When our baby is born?” Kyuhyun assured themselves.

“The decision will be entirely yours to make, I’m here to assist you and help you.” He continued.

“But I’m sure you have a suggestion.” Hyoyeon cut in, “What’s the risk doctor?”

“Soon after the baby is born, surgery will be needed to place the abdominal organs inside the baby's body and repair the abdominal wall. Even after the repair, infants with gastroschisis can have problems with feeding, digestion of food, and absorption of nutrients.” He took a book near the bookshelves behind him about early pregnancy risks and gave it to Hyoyeon. “You can take this book home, you both can learn about it, I’ll mark it for you. But please whatever your choice would be, let me know within two weeks.”

“Why two weeks?” Kyuhyun noticed his wife’s flustered expression so he did all the talking for her. “This is so sudden, doctor. Do you have any suggestion for us?”

The doctor shook his head, “You won’t like my suggestion.”

Her tears fell and wet her pretty face, Hyoyeon bit her lips to keep the pain to minimum but she couldn’t hold her head up anymore. “I think I understand what you’re about to suggest us, doctor.”

“That’s why I give you that book. Read it and learn carefully before you make any decision.”

They excused themselves from the hospital and went on the quietest journey back home.

*

Hyeoyeon can feel the sun is literally on top of her head. The hat she’s wearing and the shades she put on no longer helps to reduce the heat she feels throughout the body. She’s exhausted, she’s thirsty and she can’t feel her feet anymore. But she keeps on trying to lift them up one by one, one step closer to the finish line and she keeps on remembering her promise to her baby, that she will go through this, she will finish what she started for once.

Another look into her watch has makes her courage disappear one more time. She only has one and a half hour before the cut-out-time of seven hours and she still have ten more kilos to conquer. If it’s just a ten kilo race, she’d be finish in no time, but in marathon, the endurance of the runner is what’s most important, more important than strength and speed, and she’s been practicing to keep up her pace and keep her endurance. One thing she never calculated was the heat from the sun that seemed to all of her power.

“Of course, I always train at night. Maybe next time I should try to train when the sun is still up.” She mumbles to herself.

She stops running and chose to do a fast walk instead. This might be useless but she refuses to give up. She was once a quitter and she doesn’t want to be that person again, this time she would go to the finish line, no matter if she exceeded the time limit. She no longer care about the finisher medal she should get at the finish line, for her it’s just her and her redemption.

With that thought in mind, she took a deep breath and quicken her steps again.

*

Kyuhyun and Hyoyeon had spent their two weeks’ time to search for any article and info about gastroschisis ectopia cordis that they could find. They forgot about their works and forgot about anything else for what mattered now was their baby. They both were too happy with the prospect of being new parents, they both exited to welcome their flesh and blood, exited to have a new member in their little family and they’d do anything to make that happen.

But the more they read, the more they know, the more they got their heart broken.

There were cases where the parents decided to continue with the pregnancy but the baby didn’t survive her first year due to hygiene matter correlated to the exposure, or the baby survived but struggled throughout his childhood from the abnormality in the nutrition intake, and so much more cases that didn’t sound like good news to both of them.

Their biggest concern was of course, their baby. They wanted to keep it so badly yet at the same time they feared that their decision would cause troubles to their child later on. They know how many doctors visits their baby would take, how their baby will never be independent and how much it’ll get harder once the baby grows up—if the baby ever survives the first year of his life.

So in that two weeks, they enjoyed their last hours of becoming expecting parents and took the hardest decision they ever made in their life—to do an abortion.

Their families supported whatever decision they chose, for they all knew, it’s never easy for anyone to get rid of their own baby. She had her melt down every time she thought about the procedure and he had to be the rock she needed, even though he was also broken in the inside.

In the day of the abortion, both of them shut themselves from anyone else and cried their heart out in the car ride home from the hospital. The procedure lasted less than two hours but the scar never faded from their hearts.

Never in her life, Hyoyeon hated herself more than she was at the time. she felt like she could’ve kept her baby, she should’ve let her baby do the fight yet at the same time her commonsense knew how hard the struggle her future child would have to endure. And that’s the reason they chose to ended her pregnancy, because they didn’t want their child to suffer later on.

But why she felt like craps afterwards?

She blamed herself for not being healthy enough to carry a child in her, she refused to meet her friends for she feared they’d judge her cruel decision, she locked herself in the room and avoided any family meeting if she could. She didn’t like the look they gave her, as if they all said “you can’t even carry a pregnancy right.”

Because those people didn’t know the amount of tears she and Kyuhyun has shed for losing their hope, they didn’t know how many alternatives they both looked for, how many denials they uttered and how many internal fights they both had just to keep their baby with them.

Those people only knew how to judge them.

Judged them that they’re the cruel parents that killed their own child, that they both didn’t want to bother the hardship that’d come after the baby was born, that they just wanted an easy way out from the defect their baby had—while the truth was beyond hurtful for both of them.

*

She looks at her watch one more time, with half an hour left to the cut-out-time, she still has five more kilometers to finish and she’s hopeless. She could do that much in normal condition, but she just ran all the thirty-seven kilos before and those additions just seems to be out of reach.

“Hyo!” Shin Hyemi, one of her friends that trained with her approaches her from the side of the road, shs’s been waiting for Hyoyeon to show up in the last five kilometer marking with Kangin. They both planned to do the last five together with her, “Come on, five more kilos.”

“I don’t think I can do it.” She shakes her head.

“I’ll be your pacer, let’s go.” She takes a place next to Hyoyeon and insists her to follow her step.

“Hyo! I’ll join you to the finish line! We can do it.” Her brother Kangin joins them.

“Oppa, it’s still far away, I don’t even run that fast in any of my 5 K races.” She gives her pessimistic reason.

Kangin and Hyemi look at each other and reach a silent agreement, they take Hyoyeon’s hands and pull her with them.

“We’ll help you get that medal.” Hyemi says.

“You can do this, Hyo.” Kangin adds.

And so the three of them run like they never run before. Hyemi and Kangin are not listed as the contestant of the full marathon, but they both there to assists her in her weakest moment. They know that 42,195 kilometers will be a though distance to conquer for anyone but they have faith in Hyoyeon and they want her to know that.

They keep on running and now the three of them can really see the finish line in front of them, but Hyoyeon’s cry break once she sees the clock on the finish line has shut off.

“No, I won’t make it in time. look the clock is already turned off! I don’t make it.” She cries.

“No matter, you have to finish it!” Kangin pulls her hand stronger.

“Hey, let’s do a hundred-meter sprint now, just give your all Hyo. Trust me. Ignore the clock, you’re here for your baby, remember?” Hyemi shouts from beside her.

“But..”

“Get set,” Hyemi ignores her and put on a start position for a sprint, “GO!” She takes off with her hand still dragging Hyoyeon with her.

Kangin follows to sprint beside them and Hyoyeon just helplessly follow Hyemi no matter how painful her feet are, she knows her friend is right, it doesn’t matter if she gets the medal or not—as long as she finished.

And she can really see the finish line from where she is.

There are times when the world becomes silent and for Hyoyeon that time were the time when she sees Kyuhyun’s face from the side of the street near the finish line.

Her husband stands there with both of his hands lift upward as his mouth chanting her name, encouraging her to get her under the finish line. He keeps on cheering for her and in the last fifty meters he joins Kangin and Hyemi to do the sprint with Hyoyeon, hope that his wife will forget about the time limit and just do what she came in for—to finish the marathon.

“And the number 10.668 under the name of Kim Hyoyeon! Finish in the time of six-hours-and-fifty-six minutes!” The MC announces.

Hyoyeon doesn’t really aware of what’s going on after because everything goes blur in her eyes. A girl approaches her with a medal and round it in her neck, “Congratulations, finisher!” She says.

Kyuhyun pulls her into his arm and embraces her as tight as he could. Kisses her sweaty face. Hyoyeon got what she wanted, she redeemed herself and the best news is she finished the marathon only four minutes before the cut out time.

“Kyu, did I hear it right?” She cries in his arms.

“Yes, you did it.” He whispered in her ear, “You did it, Hyo. You finished and now you should forgive yourself.” He cries along with her.

She pulls away from him to look into his eyes, they both are weeping and crying out their happy tears. Hyoyeon takes the medal that rounds her neck and bring it up to look at it closer. It is stated there, that she’s a finisher of Seoul Marathon 2015.

“I’m a finisher, Kyu.” She grinned happily still with tears on her face.

“I know, I’m so proud of you baby.” He lowers his face to plant a deep kiss on her lips, then he whispers in between. “And I know our baby is proud of you too.”

She cries again, slightly relieve that she finished yet at the same time she feels like her scar is open up again.

“We can try again, right?” She pleads in between her kisses.

“Of course, we can always try again.” He pulls her into his embrace. “I’m so proud of you, Hyo.”

Kangin and Hyemi now approach her with the rest of their practice groups. One by one they shake her hand to congratulates her and after she gets tired shaking everyone’s hand, Kim Hyoyeon finally came to a realization. That she’s not alone.

She’s never alone.

Her friends were always there for her, her brother and her families are all supportive with her decision, her husband still stands beside her with the same love he always gives to her.

She was alone because she was the one that eliminates herself from those who love her, because she hated herself along the time she was grieving. It’s not society that judged her, but she was the one who judged herself. It’s her own self-hatred that had made her felt so left out.

She’s crying still, for the burden that’s finally lifted up from her heart, from the pain she finally able to withstand and for the forgiveness she always seek in herself.

That night, after the proper celebration, they go home with smiles on their faces. She’s used in getting medals for every sport she participated in but this medal is what matters the most for her. As she arrives home, she quickly seeks the ultrasound picture of the baby they both had lost and place her new medal next to the framed picture.

“This is for you my baby. I did it, I finished it and I hope you’re proud of your mother.” She whispers.

*For you, number 10.668 finisher! I’m proud of you.