Seungri didn’t often to this.

It’s Saturday night, the weather was spectacular and there was absolutely no reason for him not to party like he usually would. He could feel his phone vibrating like no tomorrow from his LINE notifications, people asking him where he was and did he want to hangout. Or clubs telling him that they’d offer free drinks if he came and party there. Seungri turned off the vibrate function and just let his phone lay there.

Seungri is all alone in the BigBang dorm, a place he was sure nobody frequented anymore.

He was sitting on the balcony, dressed in the outfit he had used when going out earlier in the afternoon. He had his back pressing on the glass windows as he stared towards the dark sky. He remembered how the stars shine when he was in Gwangju, but it was hard to find stars in the sky of Seoul. It made him feel lonely all of a sudden.

Loneliness isn’t good. He hated feeling lonely. It was supposed to be a foreign word for someone like him. Cheeky Seungri the maknae of Bigbang shouldn’t feel lonely because he liked his own company better than he liked anyone else’s, right? But at times, this wasn’t what he feel…

Seungri exhaled, trying to steel himself with the self-hypnotism tactic that Jiyong hyung once taught him. But as he was about to whisper the words, he felt tears pooling in the corner of his eyes and he clicked his tongue instead.

“Ah, dammit.” Seungri bit his lower lip as he pulled his knees closer and put his chin on top of it. Ahhh he wanted this night to be over already. He was pretty sure that this was just another episode of unnecessary loneliness that hit him once every few weeks after their concerts, he’d be fine.

(Ah, their concerts, the constant jokes of being a four member group, the constant reminder of how BigBang didn’t need him to succeed, the constant fake smile as he took on every words said with a smile on his face. It used to be precious, what his hyungs said, nowadays Seungri doubted his hyungs loved him as much as they say they do)

I should drink.

But before he could get up, he could see his phone showing a name. Someone is calling him.

Who, though? Everyone is supposed to be enjoying the short break they got after their concerts before preparing for their respective solos. He thought no one wanted to have anything to do with him for a few months, but someone is calling?

Jang Hyunseung

That made Seungri narrow his eyes. Why would Hyunseung hyung be calling him? He hadn’t call Seungri for months. They’d usually talk when he called Daesung hyung but he never called Seungri. They were never that close and Hyunseung hyung left before everyone could understand the calamity of cheekiness that makes up Lee Seunghyun’s personality. But still…

“Hello?” Seungri started, unsure on what to say to the estranged hyung of BigBang (or not, Seungri never drew a clear line) and this was somehow even more awkward than his early days with Daesung hyung. But Hyunseung greeted back with a warm voice. “Seungri ah! How come you’re not in Kangnam? I most definitely thought that I’ll get to see you here!” The background noise was loud with the usual house music of the clubs he often frequented, Seungri laughed.

“Uhh, no hyung, I don’t feel like partying tonight.” Or tomorrow, or the day after. Even Seungri didn’t know how long until this lonely feeling dissipated for good and he wouldn’t even think of stepping on Kangnam soil until he could party with his heart lighter than whatever this is.

Hyunseung didn’t say anything, but Seungri could hear the background noise getting farther and farther away. “Are you okay?” And just with that, Seungri’s tears fell off his eyes. He didn’t let out a sob or anything like that, but nobody had asked him that question in quite a while now. And he knew that Hyunseung hyung didn’t need to fake anything for anyone; this wasn’t a broadcast or a scripted show so Seungri knew that the estranged hyung is genuinely asking if he was okay. Seungri took a deep breath. “I just feel a bit lonely, hyung, it’s okay. After concerts effect y’know?” He ended with a laugh.

There was silence from the other line and Seungri used the time to wipe off his tears. This is stupid. He was so very sure that if had been Jiyong hyung or Youngbae hyung or anyone else he wouldn’t have answered the way he just did. “I’m okay, hyung, so—“

“Seungri ah, do you wanna go on an adventure with me?”

“Come again?”

“Road trip, to provinces, you have no schedules right now, right?”

“Well, no, but hyung—“

“I know that I’m not one of your BigBang brothers, but you’re still my cute little dongsaeng. What do you say, Seunghyun?”

The tears he had just wiped return again but this time, Seungri had to bit his lower lip to hold back a sob. “Remember the pig skin restaurant we used to go when we were trainees?” Hyunseung hyung hummed from the other side. “I’ll wait for you there. Should I pack light or heavy?”

“Go heavy, I have no schedules either. It’s going to be a long bonding trip for us! See you there, Seungri ah!”

Then the phone went off and Seungri really couldn’t comprehend what just happened. He moved to his room, packing heavily just as his hyung told him to with a lighter heart. It didn’t feel as lonely as an hour ago, at least.

Seungri hailed a cab in front of their dorm and went over to the restaurant, where a car had its hazard lights on is parked on the side of the road. Hyunseung hyung pulled down the surgical mask he’s wearing and waved enthusiastically to Seungri. “Seunghyun ah!” He ran towards him and held his face. “Wow, you’ve grown up handsome. Blonde hair suits you. Come on, let’s go.”

It felt warm, warmer than anything in the last few months. Hyunseung hyung looked happy to be able to spend some time with him and that in itself is something Seungri took comfort in. As they load their luggage into the car, Hyunseung hyung smiled to Seungri as he sat on the driver seat.

“It’s really nice to see you again, Seunghyunnie, I missed you.”

Then Seungri replied without missing a beat. “I’ve missed you too, Hyunseung hyung.”

Seungri never really think about it, but now, he realized that he missed him too.

 

***

 

“Has any of you seen Seungri? I can’t seem to find him anywhere…” The manager noona was talking a few tables away from Jiyong and Youngbae’s table, but they couldn’t help but perk their heads up from the delicious YG cafeteria meals in front of them.

“Why? He doesn’t have any schedules, right?” A man asked with a nonchalant tone. “No, but he just got a few MC-ing offer I thought he’d like to know. Has he been here? He’s not at his house.” Jiyong and Youngbae shared a glance with each other. No, Seungri’s not here. They both practically lived in the building since the day their concerts are over to prepare their subunit’s songs and they’d never once seen Seungri waltzing into the building like he was prone to do.

They’d seen TOP once or twice when he was about to pick up a job or Daesung before the day he left for Japan but they hadn’t seen Seungri.

“That rascal…” Jiyong took out his phone and sent him a message in LINE.

Where are you?

Then after a few minutes, he added another sentence.

The manager noona is looking for you.

Youngbae narrowed his eyes before standing up and head over towards the manager’s table, Jiyong instinctively followed the notion. “Noona, did you say you couldn’t find Seungri in his house?” Youngbae smiled and Jiyong could see the manager noona’s face relaxing at the sight of Youngbae’s trademark saint smile. “Well, yeah, I can’t find him in his apartment and I heard he hadn’t been to Kangnam in two weeks now. I know this is his break but I would appreciate a little bit of news really.”

“Have you tried looking for him in the dorms?” Youngbae suggested and Jiyong immediately realized the situation. Generally, there are only three places where you can find Seungri when he’s not working. It’s in his apartment, Kangnam area, or the BigBang dorm. And Seungri only generally went to the empty dorm if he had something in his mind, just like how Daesung would go to the dorm if he had to clear his head. For their maknaes, the BigBang dorm was like a safe house they’d run to when they feel like the world is against them.

“Not yet, but I’ll check there after lunch. Thank you for your suggestion, Youngbae ah.” The lady smiled.

Jiyong and Youngbae went back to their table as Jiyong pulled up his phone and looked at the unread messages. He had a really bad feeling about this, and judging from the hardened look on his best friend’s face, the other had it too.

 

***

 

Top hyung, have you heard from Seungri?

Choi Seunghyun narrowed his eyes at the message he had just received.

The content itself didn’t faze him, after all he himself had sent the same question to everyone else but it was the sender that caught his attention.

Because it came from Jiyong.

It was no secret to everyone involved with any members of BigBang that in their group dynamics, Jiyong was Seungri’s favorite hyung. The maknae clung to the first hyung that ever opened his heart to him so much that it made others feel somewhat bad. Youngbae had been too shy, Daesung had been conflicted by their personalities, and he himself had been awkward. But nowadays, everyone loved Seungri so much that it wasn’t odd to receive a ‘hyung, how’s Seungri?’ from any members no matter where they are.

Well, any member except for Jiyong because Jiyong is usually the one who answers that question.

So Seunghyun immediately checked the message instead of delaying it like he was prone to do.

No, I haven’t. Is something wrong?

Jiyong didn’t immediately reply, but he received another message from another dongsaeng. A photo from Daesung and the obligatory ‘I wish everyone could have seen this, Seungri would have loved it! How’s our dongsaeng doing?’

But his manager called before Jiyong even read his message so Seunghyun pocketed his phone and hoped that nothing is wrong.

 

***

 

Youngbae is sure that Jiyong is going to lose his mind soon.

It’s been three weeks since they had the little conversation with Seungri’s manager and they still haven’t got any message from Seungri. Their songs for their mini album are done and they have a short break before shooting their music videos. Usually he and Jiyong would go to their favorite spa and relax themselves before the chaos that is shooting music videos, but now they just sit in the BigBang dorm stalking each and every social media Seungri had.

Or Jiyong stalks, Youngbae helps, to be precise.

He didn’t update a single thing. Instagram, SNS, LINE, nothing. He didn’t reply to chats and is unreachable when called. It drove Jiyong insane. They’d never gone this long without at least chirping in the group chat, but Seungri didn’t even read the group chats, evident from ‘read by 3’ sign that always haunts Jiyong’s group messages.

It’s like he had disappeared.

Now Youngbae himself is worried out of his mind. Seungri is young and he always had the sheer confidence that none of them had, not even Jiyong, their leader. He could be doing stupid things with strangers who didn’t understand him and got into troubles that not even Youngbae could pacify. But he knew that if he didn’t stay here and ground Jiyong, his best friend would crack at any given moment. It’s no secret that Jiyong is a control freak, and he despised not being able to answer Daesung’s usual question of ‘how’s our beloved little dongsaeng?’ like he usually would.

Youngbae scrolled his LINE timeline mindlessly, trying to find any news that might interest him, until he saw a friend-only status update from Seungri.

“Jiyong! It’s Seungri!” His best friend nearly threw away his own phone as he went over to see Youngbae’s own. It was a picture of two hands pointing up the sky, one with rings and bracelets and the other bare. So Seungri is with someone, then. But what surprised them was the caption underneath the photo.

The days we wish to disappear into the skies above.

Jiyong is about to comment a long paragraph before Daesung beat him to it.

Seunghyun ah, where are you?

“Don’t scare him, Jiyong. He didn’t do anything wrong.” Youngbae sounded desperate, because he too wanted to comment so many things like ‘where are you?!’ ‘who are you with?!’ ‘you made us worry!’ but he knew that Seungri didn’t do anything wrong. It’s his break, he’s free to do whatever he wished, including taking a vacation with someone they didn’t know without telling them anything.

Seungri’s reply appeared when Youngbae refreshed the status.

Disappearing, like everyone wants me to ^^;

Jiyong shot up from his seat faster than anything Youngbae had ever seen and went to his room, slamming the door shut. Then Youngbae heard him scream.

 

***

 

Daesung has just finished the recording of a Japanese flower-viewing TV show when he read Seungri’s reply and it instantly gave him cold feet.

The staffs were asking him to go with them to an after party, and Daesung honestly had wanted to go. But seeing Seungri’s reply made him go numb that he faked a smile and told them he’d be returning back to the hostel because he didn’t feel well.

Because he truly didn’t feel well.

When he arrived in his hostel, Daesung automatically showered, clothe himself, and apply his skincare products as he stared at the walls of his room. His mind forcefully replayed each and every moment they joked about being a four member group or the comments about how Seungri didn’t really matter to BigBang or the comments about how Seungri didn’t deserve any support because he was a cocky bastard. No, no, no, no, no!

They didn’t understand.

People didn’t understand.

People didn’t understand just how much Seungri mattered to them, to BigBang.

If it weren’t for Seungri then Top hyung, Jiyong hyung, or Youngbae hyung wouldn’t be as happy as they are now. If it weren’t for Seungri, BigBang wouldn’t seem like an approachable group because everyone had such strong personalities that shouldn’t be able to match each other. If it weren’t for Seungri then G-Dragon wouldn’t be coveted as someone so brilliant because no one would have assured Jiyong hyung that he was a genius. If it weren’t for Seungri then they wouldn’t be able to experience the joy of being brothers, because it was through Seungri that everyone bonded.

Daesung remembered the days when the only person he could talk to was Youngbae hyung because they had similar personalities. Then he remembered the days when he really didn’t know how to deal with the super confident maknae that made him feel small, he remembered the day he first had a heart to heart talk with Top hyung because he wanted to be a good hyung for the first time in his life, and someone so experienced should know how to deal with Seungri.

Everyone loved Seungri.

Nobody wanted Seungri to disappear.

He wasn’t just a cocky talentless bastard, he was a lovable little dongsaeng who tried his best to encourage his hyungs in a way that Daesung had never seen a maknae do.

He remembered the days when Jiyong hyung had a hard time believing that the music he made is good because he just wrote it like it was a homework and the days Seungri sat by his side singing the songs with such a genuine emotion and the days he invited Daesung to sing along.

The day Seungri said the hyungs are his everything had been the day he’d seen the genuine relief, joy, and pride coming from all members of BigBang.

Seungri loved them with all his heart and it showed. It guided them and it made them strive for the better because they knew that their little maknae would be watching over them with pride. They knew that Seungri strived hard to be like them, because they were his role models.

They didn’t want Seungri to disappear.

Daesung never wanted Seungri to disappear.

And yet there it said that Seungri disappeared because everyone wanted him to.

With a deep breath, Daesung called his manager and asked him to book the earliest flight to Korea. He had no schedules until next week and he wanted to go home and look for Seungri himself. He knew that he was no G-Dragon, that he wasn’t the one Seungri would have wanted to see. But Daesung needed to see Seungri. To assure him that he was loved, that it was all real.

So he packed his luggage with a heavy, but determined heart.

 

***

 

Hyunseung remembered the day he punched Seungri because he thought that the other was being disrespectful.

He remembered the confused look on Seungri’s face.

Even in his days as BEAST’s member he’s been thinking of the day he’d make it up to his dongsaeng. And now, seeing Seungri smile as he caught the canned coffee Hyunseung threw, he understood why the hyungs of BigBang loved him so much.

They’d been together for approximately one and a half month, travelling across Korea with only his car and their luggage. They’d sightsee, eat, and bathe together in bath houses. They listened to his songs, they’d listened to Seungri’s songs, they’d listened to BEAST’s songs, and they’d listened to BigBang’s songs. They sang a lot, smile a lot, laugh a lot and cried a lot.

He understood Seungri better and Seungri understood him better. He didn’t lie when he said that Seungri is his cute little dongsaeng, but now he had a deeper understanding of why Seungri is such a cute little dongsaeng.

Seungri made him feel important. Like he mattered. Like he was someone to look up to. He listened to him intently (and talked back too, sometimes) and then it’d turn into a joke. At moments it didn’t turn into a joke, it turned to an argument between them. And Seungri will always make sure that the arguments will be finished with conclusions and apologies. He understood why BigBang never really had serious confrontations between its members because there was someone who’d speak his mind no matter what, even if he is the youngest.

But still…

“I saw that Youngbae hyung called, why don’t you answer it?”

“No, I’m having fun with Hyunseung hyung right now. It could wait.” Last month, Hyunseung had been happy when he heard that, because it made him feel like he was much more important than Youngbae hyung, but now, he just thinks that Seungri is running away. “Seunghyun ah, I didn’t take you to road trip so you could run away from your hyungs…”

Seungri looked surprised. “I’m not running away! It’s true that we’re having a bonding time together, so—“

“What’s going on?” Hyunseung cut him off, sharp and quick. Seungri had a silver tongue and he knew if he didn’t ask him straight, he’d danced his way around and save this conversation for another day.

Seungri fell silent. He bit his lower lip as he traced a circle around the canned coffee. “The hyungs didn’t really love me, Hyunseung hyung…” Seungri began, his face more of a resignation than anything else. “It’s all a scripted fanservice. BigBang needed to have an image, right? So I guess they’d gone with a group with talentless cocky maknae with big talented hyungs who loved him so much.” Seungri ended it with a little laugh with a heavy breath. Hyunseung clenched his fists.

“I didn’t get to spend much time with you guys, but I know how Jiyong hyung could be a sensitive prick. I know how Seunghyun hyung is awkward with social interactions. I know how Youngbae hyung could be silent and distant. I know how Daesung hid everything inside and never show anything other than a smile. Do you know what I think about your company’s decision to use that image?” Seungri looked towards him with a sad look on his eyes, but he silently gave a nod. Hyunseung ruffled his hair with a smile.

“They used that image because it reflected the true situation BigBang as a whole. You gave so much dynamics between all the members, Seungri. Perfectionist and insecure Jiyong hyung needed someone who believed in him no matter what and showed him that he was as good as everyone thinks he is. Seunghyun hyung is forced to retaliate your loudness and obnoxiousness as the eldest hyung and he got more social interactions with other members on how to handle you as a result. Youngbae hyung too, because I know that he’s such a good person and he wanted to get close to you but had no idea how. But because you act like you do, so warm and so full of energy, he can shower you with love through physical contact and teasing. And Daesung, I know that he didn’t know how to be hyung just like how you didn’t know how to be a maknae. But you guys got closer anyway. I watched that episode of Intimate Note by the way, your awkwardness with each other isn’t something that can be acted no matter how great of an actor you are…” Hyunseung laughed.

He pulled Seungri closer to him and circle his arm around his shoulder. “Tell you what, why don’t I take you home and see if it was just a scripted fan service or not? I sincerely think that your hyungs loved you as much as they say they do, Seungri.”

The maknae fell silent again, he curled towards Hyunseung’s chest in an attempt to hide his face. See? This wasn’t even a scripted show and Seungri behaved like a cute and cuddly maknae anyway. He was genuine, and he needed to see that not everything was scripted.

“They’ll be so mad at me…”

“Yeah, but see past the anger and look into the content, okay? Come on, let’s go home.”

 

***

 

It’s been such a long time since the dorm felt crowded, but Jiyong didn’t feel any happiness or nostalgia coming from any of the members.

What he felt was despair and anxiousness, everyone wanted to go and find Seungri right there and then but they absolutely had no idea where to find him. Top hyung had been flipping channels on the TV, never settling into one because he didn’t really want to watch anything while Youngbae sat next to him in pure silence. Daesung had told them that he’d landed in Korea and he’s coming to the dorm to pick some things up. It felt tense.

The house felt quiet without Seungri, it always did, but this time the silence is deafening. Jiyong has been tapping his foot nonstop ever since Youngbae told him to stop biting his nails. And Top hyung didn’t say a single word since he announced that he’s here. They didn’t talk at all.

But then Daesung came and he didn’t come with a smile on his face. He looked serious, an expression foreign to their always-smiling dongsaeng as he went to his room, took a backpack and walked a hasty footsteps as if eager to go outside again.

Youngbae was the first to speak up. “Where are you going, Daesung?”

“Looking for Seunghyun.” Curt and unapologetic, as if it wasn’t Daesung at all. “He’s out there, somewhere. I’m guessing Gwangju, but if it’s not then I’ll look somewhere else.” Top hyung turned off the TV then looked towards Daesung, his expression hard. “You’ll waste your time. We don’t know where he is. We should do some research first before—“

“Please, hyung,” Daesung clenched his fists. “I can’t just sit here without knowing anything! Seungri is—“

“Sit down, Daesung,” Jiyong snapped. “Just… sit down, please.” The message was clear. Jiyong and Seungri used to be glued on the hips before they started getting busy with everything. So if anyone is despairing, that person is Jiyong, more than anyone else. Youngbae nodded at Daesung, urging him to listen.

“We all feel the same way, Daesung,” Youngbae began calmly. “We all feel the same way about this. So please, listen to us.” Daesung gritted his teeth. This was such a foreign situation for all of them. Angry Daesung, despairing Jiyong, confused Youngbae, lost Seunghyun, they didn’t know what to do.

Then Daesung took a deep breath and grabbed his luggage. “Then I’m leaving first, hyung, I’m sorry.” When he walked away, Jiyong, Youngbae, and Seunghyun all ran towards him. “Daesung ah, listen!!” Seunghyun was shouting and it was foreign but Jiyong and Youngbae didn’t even care enough to be startled. The four of them ran until they were in front of the house, where a face from their past is standing in front of the source of their worry.

Jiyong saw red.

He pushed past Daesung and went over to where Jang Hyunseung stood, holding him by the collar and dragged him down until they were eye to eye. “Yah you bastard!! Where did you take our Seungri, huh?!” Jiyong screamed at his face. Youngbae went over to hold Jiyong back, but then Seungri tried to pry them off and all Jiyong could focus on is his maknae’s face.

He let go of Hyunseung, knowing fully well that Seunghyun hyung would be staring him down angrily while Daesung would try his best not to punch his friend. “Seungri, Seunghyunnie, Seungri ah…” Jiyong hugged him close and tight, desperate to feel his cutest little brother in his arms. Youngbae joined their hug, conveying not with words but through action just how much Seungri mattered to them.

“Hyung… I…” Seungri was overwhelmed, but Jiyong shushed him and gently pat his back in a circular motion. “It’s okay, Seungri, it’s okay. Your hyungs are here now. It’s alright, it’s okay, you’re safe now…”

Jiyong didn’t let go, he refused to let go. Youngbae ruffled Seungri’s hair affectionately with a tender smile on his face, one he reserved only for Seungri and Daesung.

Behind him, Daesung and Top hyung are staring at Hyunseung. “You have some explaining to do, Hyunseung.” The former member nodded silently, he didn’t look scared or anything, he looked relieved. “See, Seungri?” He addressed their maknae, earning a nearly guttural growl from Jiyong. How dare he talk to his maknae?!

“This isn’t a scripted show or anything, and here your hyungs are—ready to punch me with no hesitation in the middle of the city just because I took you on a road trip. Do you still doubt them?”

Jiyong slowly let Seungri go from his arms, but he still kept his hands on Seungri’s cheeks as the younger boy (man, they are adults now) looked towards the ground with a very foreign anguished expression on his face. Did Seungri just… did Seungri ever doubt the fact that everyone in BigBang loved him so very much? Did he…

“Seungri?” Jiyong’s voice shook, but Seungri refused to meet his eyes. He looked intently at the ground before burying himself in Jiyong’s chest.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I just—I didn’t mean—hyung I’m sorry!!!” He bawled out loud and Jiyong felt his heart break. He needed to do better. Love him better. As the leader of BigBang and Seungri’s closest hyung, he should have noticed the little signs of insecurity their maknae had. He should have done better, he should have—

“You idiot!” Youngbae hugged them close, pulling Jiyong and Seungri into his chest. “You idiot! You idiot!” Youngbae had nothing to say, for the first time since Jiyong met him, Youngbae is in a loss of words. Daesung wailed and ran towards them, joining their hug also. “You should have called! You should have told us! Don’t ever do that again!” Daesung’s words are intelligible in his cries but Seungri cried louder so he must have heard.

Seunghyun looked towards Hyunseung, the estranged dongsaeng that didn’t make it into the final lineup of BigBang, smiling sadly at the display. When he was about to leave, Seunghyun ruffled his hair and pushed him towards the group.

They hugged for a long time until the breeze started to get cold and Seunghyun had to usher them inside. Seungri is still sniffling and Jiyong sat by his side, hounding him like a mother hen while Daesung and Youngbae made warm tea for all of them. Hyunseung sat next to him telling him everything from the very beginning.

“I just thought… Seungri needed a hyung and I thought I could… you know, be a good hyung?”

The eldest brother ruffled his young brother’s hair and showed him a smile he reserved only for his beloved dongsaengs.

“I know. You did a good job.”

 

 

-The next concert-

“Let’s be a four member group if he doesn’t do well!” The audience laughed when Seungri pouted. But then Seunghyun walked towards the maknae and pulled him into a tight hug. “Naah, we at BigBang can’t function well without Seungri. We’ll probably disband if we don’t have this cute little dongsaeng cheering us on and making us his role model, right guys?”

Then everyone shared a meaningful look with one another, because there has been an instant where Seungri is gone and they really couldn’t function. “Right! We love you Seungri!” Jiyong ran, and so did Youngbae and Daesung. They all jumped towards him and made a BigBang burger. Seungri looked happy, as usual, but Seunghyun knows that he didn’t fake this one.

Because Seunghyun knew that Seungri had realized that even when people wish for him to disappear, BigBang will never be without him, so he smiled a genuine smile. Seungri is very much loved, after all, he is world’s most loved maknae. Has been and will always be.