Aftermath

Hyejin wipes the table with excessive force, as though there is a stain. But it’s clean, to the point of blankness. For a moment she seems to recall some distant memory. Her eyes flicker to the seat by her side.

It's nothing.

She doesn't blink when she grasps the unused bowl and chopsticks in her hand.

She dumps everything back on the dish rack, untouched.

Through it all, she doesn’t waver. It's as if her emotions are gone.

“Maybe I should throw all these extra away,” Hyejin mumbles to herself and walks into the living room.

It feels unsettlingly empty.

Her gaze sweeps the area and the quiet creeps onto her skin, burrows into her veins.

She shivers and turns back, locking her eyes on the dish rack.

“Next time, I guess.”

Changing out of her baggy tee shirt, Hyejin pulls on a hoodie and steps out of the house.

It’s now too empty for her liking, but she wouldn’t admit it. Never.

***

“Hyejin, how many drinks have you had?”

Hyejin turns to her friend, worry outlines Yongsun’s features in the dim lighting.

So it starts again.

Yongsun is tugging at her girlfriend’s sleeve, trying her best to be subtle. But Hyejin notices, because Yongsun absolutely terrible at subtlety, and holds in a scoff.

“Hyejin…” Byulyi begins, dragging it out as though she’s finding the best way or the least painful way to word her sentence. “You’re fine right?”

Hyejin looks at them like they are all wonky in the head.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You know-“ Byulyi screeches to a stop and the couple exchanges looks, picking at suitable words with their eyes, yet again. Amusing, Hyejin laughs and their attention is rapt on her. Byulyi very nearly squirms as she continues, “- I mean it’s been months… a long time, I’m sure you’re over it right?”

Byulyi twiddles her thumbs and Yongsun looks nervous as hell.

Hell, those es.

“It’s good riddance,” Hyejin snorts, and takes in a mouthful of Long Island Tea. But subconsciously, it’s her turn to choose her words properly. “She’s nothing but trouble.”

They look at her like she’s gone mad.

“Do you guys honestly expect me to be depressed?” A rhetorical scoff, but her friends nod simultaneously. She purses her lips, displeased. “Well too bad. I’m not. She’s too hard to love, annoying and whiny most of the time. It’s good riddance.”

They are exchanging looks again and Hyejin, for a wild moment, feels the urge to smash their faces together. Wipe the damn concern and doubt away altogether.

“But, Wheein-“

Her heart cranks out a hollow groan, and all the alcohol pulsing in her veins can’t stop the spiraling feelings. She cuts them off. “Byulyi. Yongsun. Believe me, I’m fine, without her I’m better.”

They don’t believe a single word, she can see it in their eyes.

Well, screw them.  

***

Late into the night, well past three a.m. and Hyejin is in bed, wide-eyed. No matter how much she demands, sleep refuses to take away her senses.

They say cuts and bruises heal with time. Wounds mend. Talk it out, write it down, they say.

So so many ways to do this, they insist.

Hyejin reaches out to the side and searches blindly for the light switch.

This isn’t her side of the bed. And when she ventures over, things still confuse her.

She clicks the button and the designer standing lamp hugs her with a soft, warm glow.

She switches it off frantically and everything slinks back into darkness again.

Write it down-- crossed out.

“She’s a . Yeah, Ahn Hyejin, you know it.”

Talk it out. To air, to herself, to an emptiness that her in even if she tries to clamber out.

“Whatever. Love ends, hearts get broken.” The sky of sparkling stars is distracting and an unwanted source of meagre lighting. They tug at her heart, and she forces her eyes shut. Wheein has talked about stars and their formation now and then, previously. “There’s nothing worth remembering.”

But Wheein's silly smile and crackling laughter worm and wiggle into her mind.

Hyejin breathes hard.

How devious is Wheein, to cage her up with just the echoes of her even now.

Hyejin grabs the sheets, suppresses the flood of emotions and determinedly repeats to herself, “Nothing.”

***

Wheein left behind stuff that Hyejin refuses to acknowledge. She claims them as hers, so that she has an excuse to keep them in the most dignified manner.

She had put on a show some time back, threw away things and announced that she has got no use for those eyesore in her house. Byulyi and Yongsun held their tongue then, even though they were clearly unconvinced.

Wheein left behind a lot of her wooly clothes. She had a perchance for woollen wear, and while Hyejin pointedly pushes away the thoughts, her memory of Wheein in slightly oversized woolen sweaters continues to dwell.

Time passes but some things stay the same.

Winter is approaching, Hyejin reasons as she opens the closet and sits on the floor.

In a few pile, covering the expanse of the closet’s flooring are some of Wheein’s clothes.

“Hey,” Hyejin mumbles, tentatively unclenches her fist but not having enough in her to touch anything.

It’s been so long and Hyejin is a thousand percent sure that whatever lingering scent is gone. Gone with her love, gone with whatever longings for Wheein.

Gone and gone.

Hyejin pokes at a brown sweater.

Wheein should have took it with her when she left.

And it happens, as her eyes rest on the sweaters, in this sudden, heartless manner, much like how Wheein left. Everything collapses and Hyejin grabs the sweater, fingers clasp against the soft material, her stitched up heart disintegrating and wounds searing open all over again.

“ you…” Hyejin whispers into the sweater, tears cascading, trying her best to not descend into another mess.

She can almost feel Wheein beside her and she knows, deep down, that it’s too hard to let Wheein go.

***

“Have you had an annoying girlfriend before?” Hyejin stirs her drink, kind of pouts into it, and throws the question to the stranger sitting beside her at the bar counter.

He is nicely dressed, well groomed, drinking a house pour beer. He smiles, in a way that feels way too bright and sparkly.

Slightly reminiscent of Wheein, only no one can beat Wheein’s smile.

“It’s kind of hard to get me annoyed.”

And no one can replace Wheein.

But Wheein isn’t with her anymore.

“You look like a good guy,” Hyejin drawls, nodding away. Articulating is getting harder, she can’t remember how many drinks she’s had. “I’ve dated someone really annoying before.”

He laughs and it’s deep and disorienting. Hyejin frowns, wants him to stop, but scrambling for a legitimate reason gives her nothing. She prefers his smile and she wants to just sit there and talk to his smile.

He even has a shallow dimple. Hyejin stares at this bonus revelation.

“A recent boyfriend?”

Hyejin doesn’t really know how to respond so she lowers her eyes, sips her drink. The alcohol makes her feel better about herself, about life, about Wheein leaving her.

Even if it’s a ball of lies conjured by herself just so she could live.

“It’s all good,” he continues, patting her on the shoulder. His hand probably stayed a tad bit too long but Hyejin doesn’t really care. “You’ll find someone better.”

“Have you ever met someone who’s a total jerk? Hates doing laundry, leaves clothes lying around, can’t cook, swats you away when you try to wake her up?” Hyejin croaks, watches as fragments of Wheein swim dangerously to the surface. “Snatches the blanket, wakes you up in the middle of the night for stupid ing tea because she wants to talk about this amazing commercial she saw hours earlier?”

The stranger sits silent, devoid of smiles and Hyejin feels like she couldn't continue this conversation anymore.

“Does it even make sense? She was a hateful pesky thing. She clinged to me all the time and she called me ‘hyejinie’ in this… whiny, bouncy way I love.”

Hyejin chokes, spills her tears into her glass of alcohol and gets up to leave.

The guy sits there, dumbstruck

She doesn’t feel better even after talking to someone. Why’s everyone lying to her? Hyejin hates this, hates being here and hates Wheein.

She stumbles out, head painfully clear thanks to recurring thoughts of when Wheein was in her life.

Her phones buzzes.

Byulyi’s cheeky smile lights up her phone and Hyejin sighs while swiping left.

I’m fine, on a taxi home.

Hyejin types as she gets into the car. Byulyi’s name flashes again, right after she sends the text message. Call rejected as she settles into the seat.

Byulyi calls again and Hyejin feels the burning desire to smash her phone. Perhaps, the only thing holding her back is the knowledge that Wheein bought her the phone as a present.

Swiping left again, she replies with another text message and Byulyi finally gives up, choosing to send a text over instead.

Call me anytime. I’m glad you’re fine. Or at least better.

Hyejin clutches her phone.

What’s fine?

She has been lying to herself for too damn long.

***

In the freezing night, Hyejin suddenly wakes up, cold and unguarded. She reaches a hand over the empty bed, only to realise that she is at the wrong side of the bed again.

No Wheein to cuddle, her arm catching air, scraping pass that designer lamp that Wheein liked so much. Nothing feels real and it is too late to guard against the memories and emotions.

“Wheein… Wheein… What do I do.” The comforter bunches up in Hyejin’s vice-like grip, as she grapples with her emotions. Hyejin doesn’t know what she’s fighting against, as she tries to stay strong, keep away from the tears and breakdown. Maybe she’s fighting against memories, against herself.

Or against Wheein.

I miss you, Wheein. I love you.

Because Wheein is now out of reach.

Hyejin squeezes her eyes tight, her hands finding a gradually familiar route to the light switch of the standing lamp.

The light glows, unusually soft and warm.

Hyejin stays in the glow, imagines that Wheein is hugging her, like what she used to do every night. Only now, she cries herself to sleep.

I’m not fine, Wheein, to be left behind.

Author's Note: Hi moomoos, I've been cleaning up my google drive recently and i found this ridiculous thing that has been there for nearly a year. I believe y'all should blame karou for this because the name of the document says 'swap: hyejin angst torture'. I'm very sure it's a prompt swap which involves intense angst. HAHAHAHHA. 

I didn't make enough edits tbh but well. Regarding the story and Wheein, I wonder if y'all caught the hints in it. Hyejin's choice of tenses when talking about Wheein almost physically wounded me when I gave it a read through. 

Hope everyone's doing well, hearteu <3