Bora exhaled sharply and rubbed her chest. The clock hung over the door of the motel room ticked the seconds away as midnight approached. Her birthday would be over in a few minutes.

Legs crossed, she was repeating in her head the number Jackson had given her again and again like a nursery rhyme. She’d created a story out of the digits to remember them with clarity when the moment would come.

Droplets of water from the still wet ends of her brown hair dripped onto her lap. She repeated the number like a mantra until it was embedded inside her brain.

Her hand went from her chest to her neck to grab onto her necklace but only found bare skin. She touched her neck with a jerk as her heartbeat picked up. It couldn’t be.

“No, no, no…” She whispered as her fingers scraped the floor in search of the necklace with a heart-shaped pendant Woobin had gifted her.

She got up from the floorboard she was sitting on and started searching the rest of the room and then proceeded to the bathroom, to no avail. She even went to the balcony. She slid the glass door open and a light fresh summer breeze filtered inside, caressing her legs. Her steps faltered on the threshold.

The only thing on the tiny outdoor space was Jackson, leaning over the railing and looking out to the horizon, his back to her. She didn’t expect the dense cloud of smoke surrounding him. She would definitely try to paint the striking contrast of his dark silhouette against the colorful street signs overhead.

She almost forgot why she came here in the first place. She did a quick scan of the floor hopelessly. Bora let out a frustrated sigh at the nagging feeling tittering her. She knew where the necklace was. The taunting thought at the back of her head knew too.

In the diner’s restroom where the man had attacked her and almost strangled her and where the police was probably investigating the scene at the same instant.

She her taut neck muscles and looked up to the sky. She exhaled loudly in defeat and peered over to Jackson who hadn’t moved an inch since she’d joined him. Part of her felt insulted by his idleness, that he didn’t consider her enough of a threat to even glance her way.

“You don’t happen to have seen a necklace around here?” She asked, annoyed.

He furrowed his brows and glanced back at her as though he was just noticing her presence. She knew better though. He'd probably sensed her presence from the moment she'd gotten up.

“It was a gift from Woobin. It has a heart-shaped pendant.”

He shook his head and took a long drag off his cigarette. He turned his body around to face her and rested his elbows back on the railing. He studied her with ever dark eyes and suddenly she felt self-conscious.

She felt exposed, not knowing what to make of her arms. So, she walked next to him and wrapped her fingers around the cool metal. Her heartbeat was erratic ever since the earlier fight. She inhaled and exhaled sharply while looking over the railing to chase away her thoughts. Even at this late hour, there were still people coming and going in the street below, she noticed.

“Still dizzy?” Came Jackson’s voice on her right. He’d been watching her every move with attention.

She rubbed the spot on her chest. “No. It’s the chest pains.”

“What chest pains?”

She shrugged. “From the toxin, I think. It must be a side effect.”

“There are no such side-effects from this particular poison. It’s a benign chemical that’s not meant to do a lot of harm. Think of it as pepper spray.”

“Pepper spray doesn’t give chest pains, Wang.” She pointed out.

“That’s my point. And stop calling me Wang.”

“Well, I’m fine. Everyone doesn’t react the same way.” She argued.

“Maybe.” He said, but his voice didn’t hold its usual firmness. He wasn’t convinced.

She cocked her head sideways and smirked. “You don’t like being called Wang?”

“I have a first name and I’d prefer it if you used it.”

She raised a single eyebrow. “Interesting. Wang.”

“You do want to die.”

“I took self-defense classes.” She said, jokingly punching his arm with her fist.

She bit back the curse that threatened to fall off her lips as her fingers connected with his hard arm muscles. She had to look the other way to blink back tears of pain.

Jackson didn’t seem to notice, as he stared off into space. “They were self-defense classes to protect yourself from petty thieves, not trained governmental agents. Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

“Killjoy.” She rolled her eyes, rubbing her knuckles.

Silence fell again and this time it was Jackson’s turn to break it. “Just so you know, what you did wasn’t heroic, only extremely stupid and reckless. Not that I’m surprised. Each and every action of yours up until now was a clear display of your lack of common sense.”

Her grip around the railing tightened, whitening her knuckles. Couldn’t he just thank her? It wasn’t like she’d just potentially saved his from death.

“You smoke.” She changed subjects. “Nasty.”

“Occasionally. Smoking eases the mind when you’re overthinking.” He replied, rolling with her change of subject. “You should try it.” He added, extending his arm to offer a drag of his cigarette.

She gave him a dark look and ignored his offer. “Do you even feel regret?”

Tension instantly thickened and she almost regretted her words. Jackson knew what she was talking about. Of course he did.

He slowly drew back his arm and shook the end of his cigarette making ashes fall over the railing. His voice was steady when he replied, not missing a beat. “No. I did what I had to do. It was him or us.”

“What if you’d just incapacitated him, or –“ She started.

“To show mercy is to show weakness.” He cut, crushing the cigarette against the iron bar, his voice final.

He meant it, Bora could tell. He firmly believed he had done the right thing. Bewildered, she opened to say something but she didn’t know where to start, each question being replaced by another one.

“This is the biggest load of bull I’ve ever heard.” Bora simply said.

He pressed his lips with a slight frown. “I’ve thought of other solutions, other ways. There are none. And I’ve learnt to live with it. I don’t expect you to understand. There’s no redemption for people like me. It’s always been like that and always will be.” He said with a tired edge to his voice.

He thinks he’s hopeless. A lost cause to himself.

What kind of life must he have led to think that? She doubted he’d even lived properly.

She smiled lightly. “Says who? It’s too easy to categorically label yourself as a hopeless case. It’s selfish, weak, not to mention complacent. I believe there is redemption for people who seek after it, Jackson.”

Jackson raised a brow.

“What?” She asked.

“You just called me Jackson.” He smirked.

She rolled her eyes for the nth time. “Tell me if you find the necklace.”

She ended the conversation and headed back inside.

As she was about to step a foot inside, Jackson’s voice held her back. “Ah.”

“What?” She turned back, her eyes darting around and her heart jumping excitedly at the prospect of finding the pendant.

Instead, he said. “Happy birthday.”

She paused and her eyes went up to his face as disappointment set in.

“I wish it was.” She replied, bitterly.

Before he could speak again, Bora slammed the glass door shut with more strength than intended, making the fragile floorboard shake.

Happy birthday? She didn’t feel happy. She was scared, sad and wrecked. There was no such thing as happiness in her life. She’d always known it. She’d just never admitted it. There was something missing in her life. Something she had yet to put a finger on, leaving a bleeding hole in her bitter heart.

***

The following morning, the first thought that crossed Bora’s mind was I fell asleep. She’d fallen asleep when she’d sworn she wouldn’t.

And it wasn’t the peaceful type of sleep. She’d had another nightmare she couldn’t remember. She remembered being woken up in the middle of the night by the noise of Jackson heating noodles in the microwave. She vaguely recalled throwing a pillow at him and them exchanging hushed curses.

As she emerged from sleep, she felt even more tired than the previous day. Her limbs were sore and she was hurting in several places where bruises ha