Youngjae feels fifteen as he stands next to Daehyun at the alter.

The older man looks beautiful in his black suit and tie combo, made especially more wonderful with the smile adorning his face. Daehyun’s bottom lip is captured between his teeth as he tries his best to keep some expression of seriousness on his face, but fails miserably because it’s quite possibly the best day of his life. He just has to smile.

Everything feels almost too serendipitous.

Youngjae looks over to his parents and to Daehyun’s with a look of joy on his own face. The scene and moment is everything that Youngjae’s ever wanted from the moment he was fifteen.

Except Youngjae’s not fifteen; he’s twenty four.

The wedding march cues up and the grand doors to the chapel opens.

A beautiful bride in white walks in with her father’s arm interlocked along with hers. She fingers her white gloves nervously, but when she looks up and sees Daehyun’s smiling face, all traces are gone. She looks as if the clouds have parted from the sky. She goes down the aisle confidently with an air of elegance following behind (or perhaps it was leading her). The unbearable joy Daehyun was trying so hard to suppress blossoms on his face.

Daehyun’s never looked more dazzling in Youngjae’s eyes.

Youngjae delivers the bride and groom their wedding rings and watches as the two come together as husband and wife. His eyes tear up as the newlyweds seal their marriage with a kiss.

Even blurry, Daehyun is lovely.

Everyone takes their turns taking pictures with the two.

Daehyun wraps his arm around Youngjae’s shoulder as the photographer gestures for them to move closer together.

Youngjae feels fifteen for another blissful moment.

Later, he nearly ruins the afterparty.

He misses his cue for his obligatory speech as the best man. He’s fumbling around for his pants and rushes out of the coat room once he has them securely back on. He leaves behind one satisfied waiter.

Despite the slight limp in his step and the subtle slurring of his words (thanks to multiple flutes of wine), Youngjae recites his speech without too many mistakes. All the guests assume his errors are due to nerves, anyway.   

“To the happy couple!” he toasts with what may be his fifth glass.

Daehyun dances with Youngjae to amuse all the guests. His hand is entwined with his and the other’s holding his waist as they move perfectly with the band’s music (it’s been awhile since the closet incident). It’s a slow song.

The onlookers laugh at the sight: two best friends dancing together at a wedding. How cute.

All Youngjae wants is for the music to stop as soon as possible because he doesn’t think he can handle being so close to Daehyun on a day nearly identical to his ideal one. They're both dressed exactly like how he imagined them to be and Daehyun is as happy as he hoped.

(they’ve got matching tuxedos. daehyun’s tie is his favorite color of gray and youngjae’s is a pallid gold.)

The song ends and Youngjae’s ready to bolt (the alcohol is beginning to affect his body more heavily finally, too), however, Daehyun holds onto his hand and says, “one more song.”

Youngjae’s never been able say no to Daehyun--not when he was eight, not when he was seventeen, and definitely not at twenty four. And so, although his heart feels like it’s being crushed and toyed with beyond what he can handle, he still complies.

It’s Daehyun’s day. He shouldn’t deny him something as simple as a dance.

Youngjae wonders if this dance means anything to Daehyun at all, searching his eyes for a hint. It’s hard to tell under the dark hazel of Daehyun’s eyes, though. Even harder with the way Daehyun looks over his shoulder and at his June bride.

The same waiter comes by Youngjae’s table later and hands him his number.

Youngjae rips it up in front of his eyes before going back to eating the cheesecake on his plate.

Himchan drives him home. Youngjae lays in the back seat of  his car, trying to block out the street lights passing them by. He’s happy it’s a friend taking him back, rather than some random taxi driver. There’s no doubt he would have succumbed to revealing his life story to one.

Taxicab Confessional: Yoo Youngjae.

It’s sometime around midnight when he stumbles through his apartment’s doors. He trips and falls his whole way through. The complete other half of his living room is a sea of boxes which Daehyun will return to get when he’s back from his honeymoon.

He stares at the belongings, feeling indignant. He kicks one of them hard and hears the telltale sign of glass shattering as it tumbles over on its side. The words fragile are written on the side of it. He feels good for all about a minute before he’s overwhelmed with regret.

He slumps down on the couch and loosens the suffocating tie around his neck. The room’s dark and the only splash of color is from his golden tie. The house is quiet aside from his breathing. This is a feeling he’ll have to get used to, he supposes.

Just not yet.

The television flickers on and the room takes on a blue hue. A commercial plays with an obnoxious announcer’s voice. Paid programming tends to play at this time. Infomercials run on and on and he can’t look away. It actually makes him feel better--somewhat validated to watch people slip and fall and spill food all over themselves. Their life is a bigger mess than his. Like, yeah, he just had to suffer through being the best man at the wedding of the boy he’s loved for the better half of his life, but at least he can cook pasta without setting the house on fire.

An advertisement for a shower light appears. For only $29.99, he too can throw a small rave every morning in the bathroom before work. There are a multitude of colors which it can switch from and even has a strobe light feature. It opens all sorts of new options for him too, like showering in the dark.

Youngjae almost buys it, just to see the expression on Daehyun’s face after it’s delivered. He’d laugh and call it stupid, but Youngjae knows that in the middle of the night he’d eventually catch him using it. He’d be dancing and singing to a song with a falsetto too far out of his range (because who cares when you’re at home). A lame excuse would spill out of his mouth as the bathroom switches from a myriad of blues and greens and purple.

However, Youngjae remembers that he now lives alone. What’s he going to do with all this space in the apartment? Get a cat, perhaps.

Youngjae recalls the moment Daehyun’s wife joked about how much he’d love living on his own:

“I’ll finally get him out of your hair,” she said with her perfect smile. “This idiot won’t be bother you anymore.” The woman could model for a toothpaste company and he wouldn’t even question it. But amazing teeth doesn’t make her an expert on what Youngjae wants.

Because, if she really knew, she’d never allow him to contact her husband again. She’d change their phone lines and protect their address. Maybe even destroy all the wedding photos with him in it. But, luckily, she has nothing to worry about. Because she won.

Daehyun chose her over him, obviously.

After all, Daehyun was the one who broke up with him. And Youngjae’s just that pathetic loser who hoped maybe someday things would change. So he clinged on. Even now, he still kinda hopes.

They’ve been over for a long time, though.

Youngjae looks up at the ceiling and sighs deeply. He remembers the day they broke up, although no official words were said. But walking in on your boyfriend ing a girl is pretty relationship ending. Especially when said boyfriend introduces you as “just my roommate.” And that’s what Youngjae became after that. While she became his future wife.

Ouch, Youngjae thinks. Clearly he hasn’t had enough to drink if he can still experience pain. He clutches at his chest as if he can nurse emotional trauma.

He memorizes the plaster texture of the ceiling.

At times like this, Youngjae wonders if he had been more loving or understanding or just less of himself overall, if Daehyun would still love him. They never talked about their relationship after that incident. Youngjae never asked and Daehyun never explained. It was just over. But you don’t just throw away years of friendship (especially not if you’re youngjae and still pining after nothing). So you stay friends and roommates. It’s convenient.

That day, when he was fifteen and realized he was in love with Daehyun, still makes his stomach bubble. Daehyun had just dyed his hair a mix of pinks and purples. He thought he was so handsome with his plaid shirt and ripped jeans (and a part of youngjae thought so too).

“What cotton candy monstrosity crawled on your head and died?”

Daehyun smiles, “Says the guy who dyed my hair.”

Daehyun had been aiming for that too cool for school look but instead landed on pastel pretty boy. He ruffles up his own hair and flashes that damn half smile at him. For a second, Youngjae can believe he’s seeing something cute happen, but then Daehyun adds finger guns and sound effects to it. What an idiot.  

(“pew pew pew”)

The moment you understand you’re in love with someone, it isn’t like some big momentous event accompanies it. Sometimes it’s just the small things that tip you over. The expressions they make, the way they talk, or how they say your name. Those experiences you share that makes you giddy to have them in your life. Youngjae thinks back to that dumb time in his room and always smiles. Even now.

Youngjae guesses it would be cooler if he could think up a time where Daehyun saved him from a burning building or something. Maybe that would justify his feelings up until now. But it will always be that time in his room, though, laughing until their bellies hurt cause Youngjae returned the stupid gesture back.

(“bang bang”)

He wonders how Daehyun knew he was in love with him, himself. He likes to imagine that it’s the same memory for him, too.

The way in which they became a couple is very much the same way they defaulted into only being friends again. Daehyun accidentally introduced him to some friends as his boyfriend, rather than “best friend.” And there you have it. Daehyun never corrected himself and threw his arm around Youngjae as emphasis.

, Youngjae thinks. Even when the jackass is on a plane to celebrate his wedding, he’s still thinking fondly of him. It’s been so long yet he hasn’t moved on. Not really.

Daehyun’s hair is a boring black now.

Maybe it’s time to try to move past their old relationship.

On the television, an excited salesman talks about super absorbent towels.

well i posted daejae fluff yesterday, so i had to whip up angst to balance myself out. i love dae's new hair. dumb bastard always looking good. i wrote this pretty fast so yah.