Maybe, It's Okay

Maybe, It's Okay

 Jimin and Yoongi are snuggled under the blankets, out in the gallery, looking at the stars. It's a mildly chilly night so they are cuddled up closer than they usually would be. Though something tells Yoongi that the cold might not be the only reason.


 Jimin has been quiet all night after their church visit with the others. Yoongi can sense some unsaid words in the atmosphere but he doesn't break the air. He wants to let Jimin speak when he's ready to speak.
 After a long while of simply rubbing Yoongi's knuckles with his shaky finger, as his body is pressed into Yoongi's side, Jimin speaks hesitantly "Hyung..."


 He pauses, as if contemplating whether to let his thoughts out or not. He looks almost as if he will back out but Yoongi never pushes him to speak. Maybe because Yoongi can sense what this is all about.


"Do you think... God regrets creating Humans?"


 And Yoongi almost shrieks with glee because he was right. This is exactly about what he has thought this was about and he can't help but feel a gloomy frown etch his features. Because there was once a time he had these thoughts too.


 Actually, he still has these thoughts some days. On bad days, that Jimin is not there to brighten.


 But Yoongi does not let it show. At least not to Jimin. And he replies in all his nonchalance with a casual shrug "maybe."


 There is a lull in the conversation that Yoongi is dying to fill but can't seem to find words to do him justice. So they stay that way for another while.


 And Yoongi almost falls asleep but Jimin's voice brings him back, "do you think God regrets creating You and Me too?"


 Yoongi looks down from the stars at Jimin and regards the boy in silence. Jimin can feel Yoongi's gaze on him but he doesn't look away from the stars above. As if doing so will take away the sky from him forever.


 And Yoongi doesn't know what to say because he has asked this question to himself too many times to even remember the answer. And maybe the answer had never come because Yoongi is asking himself that question again. But looking at Jimin, Yoongi can't remain quiet. He knows how this silence feels. How heavy and bearable this is. So he replies with another shrug and act of cool indifference", maybe."


 Jimin doesn't look away from the stars. He knows Yoongi's eyes are trained at him but he can't look away. His eyes turn glassy and he knows Yoongi can see it too but he doesn't look away.


 As if he's looking at God, asking for forgiveness, and looking away will make it harder to be forgiven.


 With hesitation lacing his words Jimin once again asks Yoongi. His voice a mere whisper of what Yoongi is used to hearing, "can God resent Humans too? For their choices? For... going against his wishes?" Yoongi doesn't know what to say. He is speechless. Because that is a question that hurts. A question that instills fear in him and leaves him hollow without faith.


 It is the question that had turned him into the atheist he is today.


 It is annoying. Yoongi has to admit. Jimin's never ending faith in the so-called religion that he follows. Jimin's persistence on attending the church mass every Sunday. His insistence to pray every night before bed. Him wanting to make a confession to the priest if he ever commits a sin.


 And Yoongi wants nothing more than to just jerk him awake from this fantasy of an all-forgiving God of his. But Yoongi can't do that Jimin. He won't. Because Jimin's faith is what makes him Jimin. Jimin's faith is what keeps him smiling and makes him believe in life itself. Jimin's faith is what made Yoongi fall in love with him.


 Because, unlike Yoongi, Jimin was brave enough to have faith.


 So he shrugs dispassionately and replies with a long pause. "Maybe."


 And the tears are b in Jimin's eyes as they fall down his cheeks but he asks his next question not wanting to let his emotions get in the way. Because he wants an answer. He needs an answer. And he needs it to be in the negative.


"Do you think God resents us, you and me? Because we're gay? Does he hate us?" By now Jimin is crying. Sobbing. Hiccuping. And nothing hurts Yoongi more than having to give the answer that he knows will hurt Jimin.


 Yoongi kisses Jimin slowly. Deeply but just on his forehead. Caressing his hair lovingly. His voice wavers and his lips tremble. And Jimin can hear the pain, fear, weakness, desperation and hope in his voice. So unlike the cool act that he wanted to portray. Yoongi pulls away and places a gentle kiss on Jimin's lips and replies with all the emotions in his heart this time "maybe."


 Now Jimin is crying. And Yoongi is too. Yoongi clutches on closely to Jimin, as if his life depends on it. And Jimin releases his hold him. Jimin pulls back to look into Yoongi's eyes and Yoongi is scared. He is scared that Jimin will go away. That Jimin's faith will pull them apart.


 But Jimin speaks and everything is okay. Jimin speaks and Yoongi finally finds an answer. Finally his questions are answered and Yoongi couldn't ask for more.


 Because it's okay, because Jimin is by his side "maybe... Maybe you're right. Maybe... Maybe God hates us. Maybe he resents us. Maybe we will get punished." This time, Jimin places a kiss on Yoongi's lips. This time, Jimin the elder's hair with all the care in the world. It is Jimin, this time, who wipes Yoongi's tears as he answers all of the questions Yoongi had ever asked himself when in doubt "but maybe God doesn't mind. Maybe it's okay because God loves us. Maybe it's okay to like you, Hyung."

 

 Jimin kisses Yoongi once again. Wiping Yoongi's tears. "Maybe we won't be punished because it's no big deal. Because we don't mean any harm. Because we still pray and do good. Because we don't lie or steal or murder. So maybe it's okay to be gay..."

 

Another kiss that Jimin places on Yoongi's wet cheeks.

 

"Maybe it's okay to be gay, Hyung."

 

 Jimin cups Yoongi's face in his hands. He rubs away the tears in Yoongi's eyes. And Yoongi's closes his eyes in the simple pleasure of the innocent skinship. Jimin kisses Yoongi again, peppering the elder's face with butterfly kisses. He whispers against Yoongi's lips, "maybe... Maybe it's okay to love you, Hyung."


 And Yoongi smiles against Jimin's lips, feeling the younger boy's lips curve into a smile as well.


 And maybe, Yoongi still has faith. Or maybe it is Jimin that makes him believe once again. Or maybe it is this moment, them snuggled in the covers, under a blanket of stars. Because Yoongi prays. After so long Yoongi prays for it to be okay.


 And maybe, it is okay.


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justpetals
#1
The brief foreword is already so angsty
yumi-xo
32 streak #2
This sounds exciting! Please update soon.