She takes a deep breath and glances around the room, noticing the f(x) posters and the handwritten letters on the walls, illuminated like everything else by the gentle light coming from the laptop on the end of the bed. She sees the clock which reads 4:30 am. She looks at everything except the person she knows she needs to see, then hangs her head so that she can only see her crossed legs on the blue sheets.

“Wheein? It’s okay, you can tell me. Anything, you know that.”

Of course she knows that. She knows that she could tell Byulyi that she was ing planning to kill her and Byulyi would still be calm and hold her and help her figure her feelings out. It’s one of her favorite things about her Unnie, one of the things she is most grateful for. She forces herself to look up, just enough to see the concerned look on the woman’s face. Then she looks back down and gently nods. She whispers, barely loud enough for the woman to hear, “I know.”

“Then what is it? You didn’t mug somebody or something, did you?”

Wheein lets out a small laugh. “No, of course not, Unnie, it’s just…” she trails off again, for what has to be the twentieth time, and she can feel her starting to get a little frustrated. Not that she blames her, Byulyi does have to be awake in less than three hours and here she is wasting time. Hell, she’s more than frustrated with herself.

Byulyi gently grabs Wheein’s chin between her thumb and forefinger and tilts her face up, forcing Wheein to look into her eyes. 

“Then you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.”

Wheein moves her eyes across the older girl’s face, looking for a sign that maybe Byulyi can read her mind, that she doesn’t have to actually say the words she’s been dreading. She looks at Byulyi’s mouth; the way her lips are just slightly asymmetric. She traces her sharp nose, her sharp chin. She looks directly into Byulyi’s eyes. “Maybe not to you… but a lot of people feel differently.”

Byulyi stares back into her eyes and contemplates the words, searching for some sort of answer. Then something clicks. She has been suspicious of this for a while, and as Byulyi looks into Wheein’s eyes, looks into her soul, she suddenly recognizes the pain, the confusion, the desperation for relief that Wheein is trying so hard to hide. She understands why Wheein is so unwilling to say the words, and knows that at the same time she wants so badly to finally let her feelings free. Byulyi’s thoughts flash back to every time she has been in the same position Wheein is now, starting with when she was a mere twelve years old and trying to tell her mother. The memories still make her feel like she’s been punched in the chest by ing Superman, and despite her best efforts to appear strong for Wheein, a single tear escapes and rolls down her cheek. Now she’s the one who whispers. “I know. I’m sorry. It .”

Wheein tilts her head, hopeful that Byulyi isn’t wrong. “You know?”

“I think so. I recognize the look in your eyes, you know. I do own mirrors.” Byulyi forces out a bitter laugh.

Normally bluntness like that would make Wheein laugh, but this time, it just makes her break down into tears. Byulyi does know. Too well. And the thought of her loving Unnie having to feel what Wheein does just makes her cry even more.

“Hey, hey. No need to cry.” But Byulyi knows that it can’t be helped, that Wheein needs to let these built-up emotions out. She wraps her arms around her waist, pulls her closer, and sighs at how her mental agony has manifested itself physically, making the girl feel so fragile. “Okay, okay, let it all out. I’m here.” 

So she does, Wheein lets it out. She nods and wraps her arms tightly around Byulyi and buries her face in her neck, knowing that her Unnie doesn’t care if it gets covered with tears and snot. She lets herself cry every ing tear that she has held in for the last decade.

Byulyi runs her fingers through Wheein’s hair, goes to trace comforting little circles on her back. The whimpers and cries, muffled by her neck, the violent shaking, the way Wheein is gripping onto the back of her shirt for dear life bring her close to breaking down too. Wheein doesn’t deserve this. Nobody does, but especially not her beautiful, sweet dongsaeng. If she had it her way, she would go out right then and destroy every person who had contributed to this pain Wheein was dealing with. But that is nearly impossible, and so she chooses instead to do everything she can to stay strong for the girl. She needs wants to be the protective Unnie, the Unnie who can take perfect care of her sisters no matter what. She forces herself to focus on the blinking of the colon on her clock and only notices how long it’s been when she hears Yongsun’s 5:00 alarm go off next door. She removes her hand from Wheein’s back and 

whispers. “Wheein, honey, look at me.”

Wheein just shakes her head in response.

“Please? It’s been nearly half an hour; I can’t take it anymore..... Please, Wheein, please.”

Wheein just sits still for a couple minutes, then decides to comply and pull back. She looks at Byulyi, at the clear mix of concern and pain in her beautiful face. She hates herself for making her Unnie look this way.  She notices the tears, tears that Byulyi seems completely unaware of. “Unnie, you’re crying.”

Byulyi touches her cheek, finding it wet with tears.  She should have known better than to think she could stay stone cold. Her only two options are to break down or try to laugh it off. She tries the latter. “So I am.”

“I hate this. I don’t want to make you cry. You’re too nice to cry.” Wheein looks down. “You’re too pretty to cry.”

Despite everything, that makes Byulyi smile. She hesitates for a second, then asks, “You think I’m pretty?”

Wheein immediately regrets saying it, but it’s too late to take it back. And it's not like she was lying. She gulps. “O-Of course, Unnie. You’re beautiful.” She’s scared, but she forces herself to look up, and is surprised by the smile on the woman’s face. “Really beautiful.”

It’s Byulyi’s turn to look down again. Had the other girl not just spent half an hour bawling into her neck, she would have giggled like a schoolgirl. But all she can do is whisper, “Thanks, Wheein.” She looks up again. “You know you’re beautiful too, right?” She leans in and tenderly kisses Wheein’s forehead.

Wheein’s resulting emotions confuse her. She is so grateful, so happy that Byulyi knows her secret but still wants to maintain the level of intimacy that the two have always had. However, a small part of her feels like she just got punched in the stomach, because the kiss shows Wheein that Byulyi still doesn’t know absolutely everything she wanted to say.

- - -

Thanks for reading the first chapter! Don't kill me lol I promise I plan on making it less angsty as the story goes on but I only get inspiration for angsty things and ty things, idk what that says about me but oh well. If you don't understand what Wheein's secret is yet, I promise it'll be more clear in upcoming chapters.