All he could do was stare. He stared with glossy eyes at the blue flower petals had fallen into his lap. He wasn't sure of whether he was gonna cry because of the pain he still felt in his throat or what throwing up these petals meant. Hanahaki disease. Unrequited love --- and it was all so bizarre because this shouldn't be happening to him. No, not him, because he has love. He was sure of it. Soonyoung quickly picked up the petals, rushing from his bed and to the bathroom because he couldn't stand looking at them anymore. He threw them into the toilet bowl and flushed it down the pipe. He sighed as they disappeared as if that was the end of it. As if everything would now be okay.

                                                                                                        It wasn't. 

It wasn't long after practice and after they got to their dorm that he escaped to the bathroom to get rid of the petals that clogged up his throat. He heaved and coughed and he was glad when it was over. His eyes had gotten watery again and he sniffed as he sat with his back against the bathroom wall. There was a knock at the door. He blinked a couple of times as he looked at the door just to make sure he was hearing right. Everyone should have been asleep by now.  "Soonyoung-ah.." He heard from the other side of the door. There was no mistaking who that voice come from. Soonyoung quickly flushed the toilet and rubbed his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater. He opened the door to see Jihoon with tired eyes that squinted once the bathroom light shown on him. "Are you okay?" He asked. No, he was most definitely not okay. Soonyoung nodded with a hum. "Are you sure? It sounded like you were throwing up." Soonyoung smiled at him and nodded. He didn't want Jihoon to worry. He didn't need to worry. It would all be fine. Jihoon nodded with a tiny smile in return. He made it a few steps down the hallway before Soonyoung called out to him. " Jihoon.." He said in an unusual quiet tone. Jihoon took it as him just being tired. " Can you come lay down with me? I need you right now..." Jihoon hesitated, his silence echoed throughout the quiet of the hallway and it felt way too long for him to actually nod. 

                                                                                 And it was true, he needed him. Always will. 

Forget-me-nots is what he learned they were called. Those flowers that made him grimace every time he saw them. He never thought he could hate something that was meant to be so beautiful. But his hatred only grew the third time it happened. Not long after they had begun to practice for a second time and his part came up did he feel that now familiar scratch in his throat. Everyone looked at him in confusion as he darted out to the bathroom covering his mouth. His cheeks became flushed as he coughed up more petals than before. It felt like an endless stream of blue petals and it was pure torture for every one that came out. "Soonyoung, are okay?" Seungcheol's voice came through the door and all he could think was why wasn't it Jihoon? Why,why, why..  "I'm okay." He desperately tried not to sound like he was in pain but he was. In more ways than one. Because Jihoon hasn't talked to him since last night, because it wasn't him behind that door, because he knew what these flowers meant. "I'm okay." He repeated but it was only to convince himself. 

                                                                                  He was not okay. He was not okay. He was not okay.

They used to have those secret nights a lot in the beginning. When they both weren't sure what was going on between them but both knew there was something there. When they were both too scared to mention it to the others even if Jihoon wouldn't admit that he was. He remembers them being caught cuddling as they slept, Soonyoung's arm around Jihoon's waist, and he remembers how their mouths went dry at not knowing what to say in that moment. But it was all fine because the rest of the boys weren't idiots and their secret nights could hardly be a secret at all in the dorm and it was what the rest of the members expected. Now, though, his mouth went dry at the fact that they hardly had those nights together anymore. Jihoon would deny spending a night together frequently and he can't help but think Jihoon didn't deny it the second night of throwing up petals because he noticed how horrible Soonyoung looked and he just felt sorry for him. These thoughts only conjured up another batch of flowers to make his chest ache and his throat burn and he still doesn't want to believe this is happening to him because he loves Jihoon so damn much that it was literally killing him. He splashes water on his face and looks into the mirror and he can't face the truth.

                                                                                              Jihoon doesn't love him. Not anymore. 

The two sat next to each other at their group meeting. They sat in a circle on the floor as Seungcheol talked but he was hardly paying attention. The pair held hands, fingers intertwined, their hands rested on their knees that connected in the position they sat in and it was all Soonyoung could focus on. He tried, really tried, not to focus on it too much. But there he was staring at their hands and softly caressing the back of Jihoon's hand with his thumb. Not much has changed for him since the last time they held hands before the disease. He heart still skipped a beat at the touch. He still loved the feeling of Jihoon's hand in his. He still wants to hold it forever and never let go. But this time, he knows the other doesn't feel the same. Jihoon's heart only skipped a beat because he shouldn't be holding Soonyoung's hand. The touch no longer gave him warmth. The feeling of Soonyoung's hand in his was tainted. He knows he can't keep holding on. But he tries to ignore that and focus on his leader. The focus changes when he doesn't feel the others hand in his and hears intense coughing. All eyes focus on Soonyoung. His chest heaves up and down violently. His arms shake as he tries to keep himself from falling into the petals. There was more than ever before and his chest felt tight from the branches that only felt like they were squeezing his heart. His eyes pricked with tears. It was only hell for every second that passed and he prayed for it be over. The last few petals came with a few drops of blood from his scratched throat and it really was a crime for something so beautiful to do something so awful. 

The only sound that could be heard was Soonyoung's heavy breathing. Everyone stared with wide eyes. Though, no one could really compared to Jihoon's. "Stop staring at me." He wanted to scream but his throat hurt too much. He looked at everyone but Jihoon as he sat in his previous position with barely manageable breathing. "I -- What the hell?" Seungcheol was the first to speak up. "Wh--" Soonyoung interrupts him because he knows the questions that are about to be asked and he hated the fact that everyone was here just staring at him. " It started a few days ago." He notes that Jihoon takes a sharp intake of breath. " I didn't want anyone to know. I thought -- I --" and his tears can't be hidden as they cascade down his pale cheeks. He immediately leaves the room. He wanted to avoid all of this. Wanted no one to know that he was no longer loved by someone he loved with all his heart. 

All he could do was collapse onto his bed and cry. He cried until his pillow was soaked. He cried till there was no more tears for the night. He cried so long that his sobs were forever embedded into the minds of his band mates. All of them knew what this meant. Jihoon didn't return his love any longer. They all felt a twinge of pity and sadness. All Jihoon could feel was guilt. He tried not to fall out of love, he did. He kept reminding himself that he is so lucky to have someone like Soonyoung love him because Soonyoung is nothing short of greatness and he knew that. He would always care about Soonyoung. But he couldn't force himself to be in love with him no matter how hard he tried and he only feels guilty that he couldn't give love to someone who deserves it. He can't get the sight of the petals and blood out of his mind and he knows he never will.

                                                                                                       It was his fault.

Chan dared to be the first one to walk into the room Soonyoung has had to himself since last night. The maknae knew that Soonyoung wasn't going to come out for breakfast any time soon and he wasn't going to let the other starve himself. Chan held out the food for Soonyoung to take and truthfully he thought if he ate anything that he would just throw up again but Chan was doing something nice and worrying about his hyung, he didn't have the heart nor the energy to turn him down. Chan sat on the bed across from Soonyoung, eating in silence for a few minutes before the younger decided to speak up. "Are you going to get the surgery?" Soonyoung doesn't look at him and just shrugs. He knows he needs to or he'll die. But even with that in mind he can't think of a world where he doesn't have these feelings for Jihoon. "It feels weird at first but you will get used to not having the feelings anymore." This is what makes Soonyoung look up, blinking a couple of times as he looks at Chan. " You..?" A simple nod as a response. "When?" Chan sighs, setting his food down on the night stand. "Before debut. Had to get it done or else I wouldn't be here." Soonyoung let his words hand in the air for a moment before he spoke again. "With who?" He spoke with great hesitance, not sure if he should ask and too nervous to know who. "..Hansol." The younger says with a shrug as if it doesn't matter anymore, which it probably doesn't. "No one else knows." Soonyoung nods and silence hangs over them once again. "Just please think about it, hyung. Please." Even though he notices the desperation in his voice and his pleading eyes he just can't make himself agree with the idea.

                                                                              He doesn't want to make it like it never happened. He can't.