--------I saw you spending your time at the balcony in a unit on the second floor of the building across the street, wearing thick eyeglasses, reading a book. After being at our unit’s balcony from time to time for five years already, I just saw you for the very first time. I assumed you were a new occupant of the building across the street, and I felt somehow upset that I wouldn’t be able to spend more time there, because, I didn’t know as well. Maybe I just didn’t want someone else actually doing balcony view while I was doing it as well.

I actually didn't give any damn the first moments I saw you spending almost all your time at the balcony. I didn’t even try to at least take a glimpse whenever I go out to have my daily morning milk and my night yogurts. I also didn’t know when and how, but I started getting curious. I kept looking at you from time to time, making sure you wouldn’t catch me even just once. And as the time passed by, checking you out at the balcony has been getting into my system. The more I saw you just sitting there, drinking a hot drink in the morning, studying by noon, and watching passersby by night, the more I wanted to see you every day.

I know I was being creepy by secretly observing you from our unit. I stood behind the curtains while spending some time watching your small things, and your own little doings. I actually kept smiling whenever I saw you making faces when you seemed like you actually didn't understand what you just read, and how you just kept talking to yourself. I found it cute when you were singing with your headphones on, sometimes using your pencil as your microphone. I sometimes pretended I need to do something so important in the balcony, like watering the plant I intentionally bought just to have a valid reason to be outside, without you thinking that I was actually looking at you.

Those things you were doing actually made me somehow wonder. I wonder if you actually did those to others, or you just actually kept it to yourself. If so, then I considered myself lucky seeing your real side. And I hate to admit that despite the reasons like ‘I didn’t even know you personally’ and ‘I hadn’t talked to you even once’, I just couldn’t help myself but adore you for just being your crazy self.

I remember how I answered my hyung when he asked me about my ideal type of girl. I said I like pretty girls who looked so good in both jeans and dresses; someone who can be so elegant and cute at the same time. But after seeing you almost every day, the woman I wanted to be with is someone who is responsible enough to be serious with her studies, someone who smiles despite those things that weren’t actually going the way she wants, someone who is actually independent and can manage to live by herself. Now, my ideal type of girl is someone like you.

I already saw you at your worst state, physically. You were just wearing oversized faded shirt, matched with shorts that looked like you bought it in the men’s section. You always had your hair in messy bun and you wear those thick eyeglasses. You weren’t that dashing to be honest, but I didn’t know why I was still giving you my attention. I didn’t know why I kept falling for you, hard. Whenever I see you, I couldn’t help but smile. You always change my mood and turned it so brightly. Your aura is like a sun, and I am like a sunflower who always follows your light.

And there was a time that I forgot to hide myself, I stood by the door and smiled, watching you as you swayed to the music you were listening to—and then you noticed me. You suddenly shook and shyly went back inside your unit. I went back inside as well, blaming myself why I became so careless that moment. That you already knew someone was actually watching you, I kept asking, will you still stay at the balcony like what you usually do before? I just kept wishing you would actually ignore what just happened and you’d just go back to your usual doings. I just wished you’d actually go back to the balcony again.

However, as the days passed, I haven’t seen you go outside again. I haven’t seen you studying there anymore, maybe because you suddenly felt conscious that there was really no place in the world where no eyes can see you. How I wish I can tell you that even though I was looking at you, you are free to be and act like yourself, just like nobody actually watches you. Because whatever you do, you’re just perfect in my eyes.

One time, I was about to water the plants and I saw you drinking your daily dose of hot coffee. I looked at you and smiled, thinking that that might somehow change your opinion about me. I came to the realization that maybe those days you didn’t go outside were because you became afraid of me, thinking I was some kind of maniac or psycho stealing glances of you, because I’d feel the same way if I actually found out that someone doing the same things to me. By giving you a shy smile, I actually jumped once I got back inside the apartment when you shyly smiled back at me and even signed, “Let’s have coffee”.

Since that moment, I needed to check myself first in the mirror before going to the balcony, making sure that I was in my best state whenever you saw me. Thinking that I could make a good impression to you would give me a chance; maybe you would at least slightly like me. I’ve never been happier as days went on; I actually felt like you actually became so comfortable having me as your friend from across the street, whom you never even talked to before.

The moment I finally decided to talk to you by paying a visit to your unit, my hyung brought someone home to introduce her to me. And I felt like my world started falling apart after seeing the girl from across the street, the girl I adore, the first girl I actually had an interest to, was holding hands with my hyung.

“Taemin, this is my girlfriend,” my hyung said. My hyung and I had a pact that whenever anyone of us finally was in a relationship, he has to introduce the girl on the very day they became official. I gulped, and hesitated but I tried to smile, and shook your hand. The warmth of it actually triggered the pain to burst and dominate my heart.

I blamed my shyness. I blamed how I always acted too late. If I only took the courage sooner, then I wouldn’t be able to be hurt like this. But, if only I talked to you before my hyung did, will it be possible that you'd be mine? Regrets. Regrets. Regrets.

This is what I get for being shy and not having any courage at all. I ended up hurting with the regrets. I ended up thinking the what ifs. I ended up thinking the possibilities that just got wasted if I only, if only I did things sooner. I have nothing else to blame but myself.

------

Ok. Wahahaha. Mian. Labyu mga beks muah