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It’s March 24, 2014 when an empty heart is created in a man’s chest from the sounds of a unmerciful voice. Against his paled cheek was his phone, heat and sweat finding an odd mixture with each other. Kyungsoo remembers staring obsessively at the old white hair before him, the wrinkles staining an unbothered face, and a newspaper held tightly in ancient hands. A war on earth: The people vs the government. Kyungsoo repeated to those words. The eight time was slow. The ninth time was slower. And the tenth time never got to be slower than the ninth because it never happened.

"Did you hear me?"

Kyungsoo twitches his left foot, hoping it would move. And when it did, his eyes allowed some more weights to join the others. "I know."

He hears a bitter sigh. "Kyungsoo. Breaking up is not a bad thing. Perhaps good. We were fireflies once. A little light used to fly in the darkness and didn't care how the world looked at it but the light grew tired and grew dimmer and dimmer unfortunately. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Jongin." Kyungsoo wondered how much it would pain him to say that name for the next fifty years and maybe another fifty years if he's lucky. Just two minutes ago, he loved that name but now it lied broken with no remorse. He didn't know if the lack of remorse came from him or Jongin. He bets Jongin.

"The five years we had together was amazing. It was," Jongin said at ease as if the five years meant nothing to him. "I'm leaving for London tomorrow."

Kyungsoo twitched his right foot. He wasn't paralyzed. "Okay."

"If you ever need anything, call me. I'll always be here for you Kyungsoo. You know that, right?"

"Yes..."

Jongin smiled through the phone. "Goodbye, Kyungsoo. I'll talk to you later yeah?"

Kyungsoo wondered why there was no stinging in his eyes. He's read many romance novels and whenever there was a break up, stinging eyes would be felt. But he hadn't experienced that at all. "Yes. Later."

Jongin hung up as if he had just canceled a promise trip to the mall with his friend. But in reality, he had canceled a promise to marriage.

“The are you looking at?”

He watched the white little dots fall onto her hair, the black strands not really the color they were supposed to be. He—Kyungsoo gripped the bench handle and waited for a response. His beautiful way of defending himself had been smashed between the two of them. Kyungsoo wondered why the snow was still creating an ice cloud on her head and why she allowed it. But he let that thought flow away as he realized his scalp was frozen also.

“Why are you so rude to people?” She asked. She wasn’t really offended and wasn’t really curious either. It wasn’t a question or statement. It had a new meaning that none of them understood.

Kyungsoo gripped the handle harder. “I’m not rude,” He told her. “I just don’t want you or anybody in my face.”

“That’s a boring life to live. You come out here every morning and sit on this bench. 8 am to 9 pm. You eat your five cheese strings and might take a sip of water. Someone comes up to you to make a conversation, you shut them off. You’re rude and bitter.”

Kyungsoo frown was uglier than it had ever been before. “You ing bi-“ He caught himself. Name calling wasn’t necessary even though she was being unnecessary two seconds ago. “You don’t know anything about me. Why can’t you accept I don’t want to talk to you? It’s been six months and yet you consist on messing with me. I don’t even know your ing name and you don’t know mines. I’m rude? I’m sorry that because I have no interest in you declared me as a rude guy.”

She had no expression. She never did. No offense taken. No curiosity asked. Just a new meaning. “Kyungsoo. I know your name.”

“How the hell do you know my name?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

Kyungsoo believed her. He wouldn’t believe her if she told him. He didn’t believe anything she said. So he took her unbelievable words and believed them for the first time. “I’ll leave.”

She watched him remove himself from the hard bench that made his bottom ache. With a half drunken bottle in his hands, Kyungsoo had left the tension. She watched his broad back before she spoke again. “You ever wondered what my name was?”

Kyungsoo twisted the green bottle cap, continuing to walk away. “No.” He raised his voice a little.

“My name is Misses Tomorrow.” She raised her voice higher than his.

Kyungsoo waved her off. Misses Tomorrow. Something about that name made her more disturbing then she already was. If she was Misses Tomorrow then he’ll call himself Mister Never. He liked that word. Maybe because it was the only word he related to. He didn’t like a lot of things but never was one thing he did like.

Later that day he went to the baseball field and loaded some balls into the pitcher machine. The darkness of the sky made the stand light glow whiter than it ever had and made his dyed blue hair glow bluer than it had ever been. His body was covered with his team’s uniform, black and white with a red cap. He didn’t know why he put on his uniform to practice but he did. Kyungsoo did a lot of things he didn’t really understand.

The ball and bat clapped together, smacking sounds touching his ears. The next ball was hit just as hard. The third one was a bit softer. The forth one needed a little help. The fifth one was the one Kyungsoo liked the best, hard and strong. “You’re the best on the team, boy. Don’t let a bad romance ruin your skills. Dating a man was a bad idea anyway.” Smack! “You’re dating Jongin? A guy?” Smack! “I never thought of Jongin that way. You, yes. But Jongin? No. The guy has everything. The looks. The money. The women. Why would he date a guy?” Smack! “You’re just confused.”

Kyungsoo left the pitching machine on. He kept his uniform on and decided he’ll fall asleep with them on and he did. He dreamt of a talking cow and a masked man. The cow was blue and red and symbolized the American Dream. Kyungsoo learned all about the American Dream from that blue and red cow. He learned the American Dream was bull. It was only for the privileged. The cow told him he represented the unprivileged while the black and white cows represents the opposite. The masked man didn’t say much but when he did, Kyungsoo could taste fear on his tongue. His voice was of a little boy with a tremble. He kept saying, “A fearful god, Mister Never. One day you will know.” Kyungsoo didn’t want to know.

That’s why he sat at his kitchen table with a drink in his hand. He killed his dream. He hoped he’ll never have to kill it again. He hated murder.

The second glass was a white colored moscato. The blasting flavors and spiciness created nothing more than a sea of taste in his mouth. He circled his finger around the cup, the distant sounds of his TV being ignored.

Kyungsoo didn’t realize a rainy day had touched his eyes. A few warm tears scented with love, fear, and desperation stained his white cheeks. It only got worse. His sobs were like violent gang members, punching and kicking himself to death. His heart escaped his chest with no regret that only thing he would feel be complete numbness.

Jongin.

His love.

Those pretty five years were like roses and chocolate. Perfectly established. Glances. Kisses. Love making. Sweetness.

Or so Kyungsoo thought.

It had been two ing years since his only protector betrayed him, without an explanation. Kyungsoo remembered the calls, hoping to get a familiar voice so things could be understood or worked out but Jongin changed his number. Just the night before the break up, they went out to their favorite restaurant and life was normal. But then Jongin made life foreign with his sudden disappearance. Poof.

Kyungsoo went from crying every hour to once a week, from crying once a month to only once a year, and now only on their anniversary…like today.

His missed that kind of love.

He wondered how he could still love someone who shattered his heart with no remorse.

Kyungsoo body jumped at the sound of his phone going off. He wiped his deadly tears away with a sigh escaping his mouth.

“Hello?” He asked once he picked up his phone, an unfamiliar number on the screen.

“You act like you don’t know who this is,” The caller said, a childish tone playing with a serious one. His statement had gotten no response so he said, “Baekhyun. It’s Baekhyun, asshat.”

It had been a few months or maybe a year since Baekhyun moved to Los Angeles for career purposes. Kyungsoo convinced himself he left because he had grown tired of hearing or feeling nothing but sadness when he and Kyungsoo interacted. Kyungsoo knew it was the dumbest thing a man could assume but he didn’t consider himself a man so it all worked out.

“How’s LA?”

Baekhyun chuckled, a glint of surprise. “Its amazing man. The weathers great. The foods great. And did I mention the women? The women. Good god. It’s like I did something praise worthy in my past life or something. I must gave a hundred dollars to a ing god. I’m like superman over here.”

Kyungsoo felt the end of his lip curve. “That’s amazing. I don’t think you’re superman however.”

“Bull I am. I’m just missing a red cape and the weird powers.”

“You’re missing everything that makes superman, superman.”

Baekhyun gave up. “So uh, how ya been doing? Has things gotten better? What about theater? You still doing that?” He threw questions left and right that even Kyungsoo couldn’t catch them all.

“Fine. I’m doing fine.”

Baekhyun didn’t believe him. “Theater. You still doing that?”

The word theater made Kyungsoo flinch. Memories of telling Baekhyun about his old dream of writing his own musical and singing it on Broadway played through his mind like an unwanted CD. “No. I went back to baseball.”

Baekhyun smacked his lips, “Baseball? But ya’ hate baseball.” Baekhyun told him. “You need to get back into theater. You were really good at it. Why’d you stop?”

“There was no reason to perform. What’s the point of performing an unwanted performance?”

“It’s not unwanted. I wanted to see it. Your mom wanted to see it. Jongin wanted to see it.”

Kyungsoo played his eyebrow hairs. “Like I said, an unwanted performance.”

Baekhyun allowed an ugly pause to occur before saying, “Misses Tomorrow. Have you met her yet?”

SOMEWHERE IN LONDON

11:37 pm

“You gotta give it to him, ya know.” The woman exhaled the smoke, little nothings flying in the air while the fire of the cigarette matched the coat of her nails.

“I know.”

The woman looked the man in the eye. She wondered why his skin looked so pretty in the dark. Maybe it was the moon that added a specific glow to his beauty. “I could give it to him for you.”

“How?”

“I’ll tell Mister-“

“You won’t.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want him near that kid.”

The women grabbed the man by the neck and tasted his lips. “If it makes you happy.” She mumbled against him, “I won’t tell him.” She moved her hands to grip his thin waist, “But if I have to, I will.”

“That’s why I call you a .”

She chuckled, not really finding the insult humorous. “The best one you’ll ever meet.”

-

Kyungsoo was hungry, and when he realized how hungry he really was, he went to Tom’s Burgers on 27^th Street. He knew all and well that was the only restaurant opened at 3 am. He always found himself wide awake at 3 am, graving a burger and when he tasted the burger, he didn’t grave it anymore. It was overcooked with not enough seasoning. All he had asked for was burger but maybe life hated him a bit too much.

There wasn’t anyone in the restaurant except him and the I-didn’t-feel-like-cooking chef at the front counter. After two more bites, Kyungsoo decided he wanted to leave but when the radio came on, an unexpected song played while an unexpected man walked towards him. The last goodbye by The Kills. A man dressed with a black suit stopped in front him with an amused smile.

“So you’re the one.”

Kyungsoo concluded this day to be a strange one: Misses Tomorrow, the blue and red cow, the masked man, Baekhyun knowing about Misses Tomorrow, a man smiling while saying “So you’re the one.” Maybe he was still dreaming.

“Mister Never. It’s nice to meet you.”

Kyungsoo could feel his skin whiten. Time had slowed for the first time for him with The Last Goodbye playing in the background. “Why? Why did you call me that?”

The man smiled and took a purple book from his bag, a bag Kyungsoo didn’t see before. “From Mister Sad to Mister Never,” He placed the book in front of Kyungsoo. “One day you’ll understand Mister Never. Today is just a confusing day.”

Kyungsoo watched him leave with the umbrella that served no purpose. He stared at the purple book, waited two minutes (he counted), before he opened it and when he did, he wished he hadn’t.

Tuesday

Kim Jongin.

The first thing I did this morning was place a cigarette between my hard lips, watching the world from my window. The stick hanged loosely from my fingers as I inhaled the death I so greatly desired. The tiny ghosts danced in the sky and my eyes tried to define the lines of the outside crimes. A mother grabbed her wild child wrist. A business man cheated on his wife because he had on a wedding ring and ran out this woman’s house because he was late for work with a missing tie and a “why are you leaving?” from the woman he cheated with. That was disgusting. What’s the point of cheating? If you don’t love the person anymore then leave and have all the women you want. I’ve never cheated. Maybe cheated in games a few times but not a relationship kind of cheat. My last three girlfriends ended up breaking up because I was the problem. I didn’t really care about them or the relationship so I left instead of cheated.

Later on today, me and Chanyeol went to the bar and filled our stomachs with beer. He told me about his school life and complained about medical school because he doesn’t want to be there. He wants to rap. I understand him. I don’t attended a college because its useless. I just write and write and write and write some more and write a cigarette in my mouth like I’m doing now. My dad doesn’t like my career because I have potential to be a businessman. I told him, age 6, I wanted to own a company and he never let the idea slip away. That’s what Chanyeol is dealing with, trying to get out of his parents dreams.

After two hours of nothing but ranting with my friend, I decided to go home. I walked because that’s the only exercising I need. When maybe, five minutes away, I saw this boy picking up his lost papers that were decorating the ground. We were on a non-busy walkway, only darkness and little street lights to help us see. I didn’t help the guy because he looked fine. He hurried and brought all the papers to his chest. Then he smiled when he realized I was there, staring at him. I wonder why he smiled. “I’m sorry if I was in your way.” He said. He apologized for what? I just replied with a, “its fine,” and left because there was no point of staying any longer.

Now I’m eating a honey bun with the warmth of my bed loving me. My day wasn’t really interesting. Cheater. Chanyeol. Boy. I wished boy started with a C because those last three words would have all started with Cs which would have been nice. Coy sounds a bit stupid, I suppose. I think I’m going to smoke a little bit more and then close my eyes and wait for a new day, not that there’s anything to excited for. Sad. 

idk. its confusing...i know - alex