“Baby, I’m hungry…”

“What do you want me to make for you?”

I nuzzle my face in the crook of my boyfriend’s neck, inhaling his scent and smiling at the sweet sound of his voice. It is morning, and I feel rested.

“Fruit.”

I can feel his facial muscles move, as if he is frowning.

“Fruit?” he asks, “You don’t usually eat fruit.”

I agree, but insist. He cups my cheek in one of his dry hands and trails his thumb close to my nose, and I smile warm-heartedly back at him. It might be confusing how his presence can be both horrible and soothing, and it might occur as a mystery how we still stay together. But it is only because we love each other.

“Let’s make fruit salad!” he suggests and leans in to brush my forehead with his lips as I tug at his T-shirt to bring him closer to me. I do not know how we manage to own such an expensive place when all I do at work is to throw trash and he has no work. When I was little, I thought that when you were rich, you did not have to work, but grew up to realize that having a job meant much to keep the fortune. Yet Ryeowook is stubborn. He refuses to work, while I refuse to quit mine.

He grabs my hand and pulls me off the high bed with him. As soon as my feet connect with the floor, I realize how weak I am and stumble behind him.

“That night took the best of you again, eh?” he implies, making me nod and scratch my head. “Here”, he says and pulls my arms, bringing my up from my bending state, but I shake my head.

“I deserve this, anyway.”

“…As long as you love me.”

My eyes squint as I change the direction of my gaze to meet with his. His sparkling eyes widen, “Because you always do…”

“I do.”

I will never stop.

“Kyuhyun-ah!”

He waves his hand in front of my face, “Don’t think about that.”

“It’s hard to suffer.”

“You’re making yourself suffer.”

Unfortunately, that is true. I could stop all of this. I could stop bringing home someone multiple nights a week, and I could just throw away all the thoughts of that he is the one who had been trying to kill me a few years ago. I could leave.

But that is not an option.

“I saved you. You have to stay with me”, he says, once again making me hold my breath. Everything he says is true. He has saved me, I love him, and I want to stay with him. But I do not want to love him. My heart is having a war with my brain, and it is not easy to let the intellectual part win when you have nowhere to go.

When I was close to dying of maltreatment from my parents, and our family’s house was set on fire, Ryeowook came and saved me. I remember much from that night. I have even seen the person who threw a match at the corner of our house and made the windows unable to be seen through. Because there was fire everywhere. I can remember seeing a petite guise with black clothes and a devilish grin on the face. Some times, when I look at Ryeowook, I imagine that his slightly misplaced tooth is the evidence of that he was the arsonist. But my trust for him in the beginning weighed more than my thoughts about whom it could have been. And so, I had fallen in love.

Does attempted murder overpower change of heart? After a long while together with Ryeowook, I started to recall my memories and I once again fell back into a pit of trauma. I began thinking that he had been the one who had set our house on fire. That belief lingers. But I know that I cannot leave him. I love him too much to ever look away even if I want to, and he loves me too much to remain in this world if I leave. I think that if I stop loving him, I will be able to leave.

That is why I try to dull it.