It takes a total of four days before Kibum caves in and calls Jonghyun. It's a valiant effort, just shy of a miracle that he even made it that far. All that kept him from contacting Jonghyun on the very same day he got his number was his own sheer stubbornness.

But now Kibum is here, half a week later, with his phone in his hand and a decision in mind. He's going to call Jonghyun – if nothing else, then to stop Minho from constantly throwing him those secret looks that scream of how worried he is, even though he's trying hard to hide it. Gross.

The phone is picked up after just one ring, almost as if Jonghyun had been sitting around waiting for this exact moment to happen (which is ridiculous, of course). “Hello?”

Hearing his voice makes Kibum's heart skip a beat, and he hates it. He forces his tone to be steely as he says: “If you have any plans for tomorrow, cancel them. We're going to talk.”

“Okay,” Jonghyun says, seeming taken aback by how brash Kibum is even though he should be used to that with how long they've known each other. “Do you want to meet up somewhere or...?”

Kibum thinks it over for a moment. Should they do this over the phone, or would it be best to do this in person? Where would be the best place to have a private conversation? “I'll text you my address.” The words are out before Kibum can stop them, and he regrets it immediately. Inviting Jonghyun over to his place has potential to be a Very Bad Idea.

“Are you sure?” Jonghyun says, sounding surprised. “We can just go to a coffee shop or a cafe or something, if you're more comfortable with that.” And no, Kibum honestly isn't sure at all, he's probably as far from sure as he possibly can be, but now it's a matter of pride.

“Just be there on time,” he snaps and hangs up without waiting for a reply, and he tries his hardest not to let the lurking sensation of panic get to him.

The Kim Jonghyun Kibum knew through middle school and high school was never known for his punctuality, but he seems to have improved in that department over the years. It's exactly nine on the dot, an hour after Kibum got home from work, when the doorbell rings.

Jonghyun enters the apartment like a whirlwind, looking unfairly good in jeans and a soft sweater, dragging the smell of smoke and bad decisions with him. “Sorry about the cigarettes,” he says in lieu of an actual greeting. “I tend to chain-smoke whenever I get nervous.”

Kibum huffs. “You? Nervous? Please.” The Kim Jonghyun he knows doesn't have an ounce of shame in his body. Then again, perhaps it's time for Kibum to stop thinking about the past. A lot of time has gone by, a lot of things have happened in the meantime, and he knows he's most definitely not the same person anymore, so he shouldn't expect Jonghyun to be either.

“Of course,” Jonghyun says with casual calm. He lifts his hand, as if to run his fingers through his seemingly carefully styled hair, but he stops himself at the last second. Instead, he shoves his hands deep into his pockets and rocks back and forth on his feet, a smile curling at his lips. “It's not every day I get to see my first love again.”

If Kibum ever felt anything other than apprehension about this arrangement that feeling has certainly vanished now with just a single sentence. “Don't do that,” he says, staring intensely at Jonghyun. Kibum feels almost... scared? But that's ridiculous, why on Earth would he be scared? Jonghyun's smile twitches, but he does not apologize.

When Jonghyun steps into the living room and casts a curious look around, it takes a lot out of Kibum to not immediately hide away every single personal belonging displayed around the room, every single thing that makes him feel so annoyingly vulnerable and exposed. “So this is where the great Kim Kibum resides,” Jonghyun comments. It's the first time in years Kibum has heard his name falling from Jonghyun's mouth. He hates that it makes him jolt. He manages to school his expression into a neutral one as Jonghyun looks at him. “How about a house tour?”

Kibum crosses his arms. “How about we just stay here and talk?”

“Fair enough.” Jonghyun lets his eyes roam over the shelves, and they seem to pause on a certain picture. He huffs out a disbelieving laugh. “Is that Jinki-hyung?” Kibum knows exactly which picture he's talking about even before Jonghyun walks over to pick it up from the shelf. It's the one from Kibum's college graduation, where Jinki had shown up with a huge bouquet of flowers in his arms and everyone thought he was Kibum's boyfriend. “Do you still talk to him?”

“Once in a while,” Kibum answers. “He's a busy man, though. He's getting married soon.”

Jonghyun hums, then snorts. The way his eyes sparkle when he looks at Kibum with a grin brings back suppressed memories as well as unwelcome feelings. It's like they're teenagers again, and Jonghyun is about to tell one of his cheesy jokes that will make Kibum roll his eyes violently even though he's actually struggling to keep a straight face. “Remember that time in middle school when we skipped class to go hang out at the internet cafe next to Jinki-hyung's parents' restaurant?”

“His mom gave all three of us such an earful when she discovered us stowed away in a corner with a whole stack of empty ramyun containers piled up next to us,” Kibum adds, and the memory brings a smile to his face, too. He walks closer to take the picture frame from Jonghyun, purposely ignoring the way their hands brush from the action. “I also remember that you practically forced him to buy alcohol for us as soon as he was old enough to do so.”

“There was no force involved,” Jonghyun objects. “Just persistent persuasion.” He pulls a rather unattractive face. “And I sure ended up regretting that in the end.”

“Yeah, your small body didn't exactly take too well to all that beer and soju.” This time, Kibum doesn't bother to hide his amusement, he just laughs. Life is too short to pretend to be bitter.

It takes longer than it probably should for Kibum to notice the way Jonghyun is looking at him, but when he does, his laughter quickly fades out. At the same time, he also notices that they are standing closer than he had thought, so close he could easily reach out and flick Jonghyun's forehead to make him stop staring so intensely. He doesn't. He looks away first, putting the frame back in its place on the shelf. His heart his pounding, and he hates it.

The silence is loaded with tension and seems to last a lifetime. Until Jonghyun eventually breaks it (just like he has broken so many other things). “You know,” he mutters in a tone that's uncharacteristically quiet for him. “That's the first time in years I've heard you laugh. I really missed that.” Kibum's pulse speeds up even further when Jonghyun reaches out for him. The tips of Jonghyun's fingers brush ever so softly over Kibum's skin before his hand fits itself against the curve of Kibum's neck, his thumb tracing the line of Kibum's jaw, and it's clear that the one thing that hasn't changed over the years is Jonghyun's touchiness. The same touchiness that made it very difficult for Kibum to be his friend all that time ago. “I really missed you.”

“What are you doing?” Kibum mutters. He swears he sees Jonghyun's eyes drop to his lips, if only for just a second, and that is when he decides to take a step back to put some distance between them. He crosses his arms in front of himself as well. Like a precaution. A barrier. He has pulled down his walls on accident and now he needs to put them back up. “Don't.”

“Sorry.” Jonghyun's outstretched hand drops down, his arm swinging meekly by his side.

Kibum has to swallow down the lump in his throat once, twice, before he can even get his words out. “What do you want? Why did you come here? To talk, right? So talk.” Jonghyun does multiple false starts, initiating sentences that he doesn't seem to know how to complete. Kibum can feel his patience wearing thin. Most of all, he wants to tell Jonghyun to leave and not come back, wants to say that his presence is exhausting. Kibum is just. So. Tired.

“Remember when I told you I was in love with you?” Jonghyun finally says.

“Yeah.” It's a thought that has been plaguing Kibum's mind almost nonstop for the past few days. The fact that Kim Jonghyun was in love with him, and Kibum wasn't even aware of it. His life could have been so much less angst-filled if he had known.

“Well.” Jonghyun takes a step forward, and Kibum forgets to take a step back to make up for it when the next words out of Jonghyun's mouth are: “What if I told you it's not just past tense?"

“What do you mean?” Kibum asks slowly. He has an idea, but he's pretty sure it's the wrong one. He really doubts it's what he thinks it is. It can't be.

“I'm still in love with you.” Jonghyun's tone isn't the uncertain, questioning one he had used when he had first confessed his past feelings to Kibum in front of the subway station. This tone is firm, decisive, like Jonghyun has given it as much thought as Kibum has since they last saw each other and has finally come to terms with the truth. “I've been in love with you for a decade.”

“A decade?” Kibum repeats. How could it have been a decade when it's only been seven years since Jonghyun cut him off? He feels dizzy. Maybe he should sit down.

“I didn't actually realize it until I went off to college and found out how much I missed being with you every day. Just being around you, talking to you, trying to get you to laugh. Holding your hand. Touching you. I realized as well that I really, really wanted to kiss you, and it freaked me out.”

“Why?” Kibum asks. Now he feels defensive. “Because being gay is wrong?”

Jonghyun scoffs, shaking his head. “No, not at all. That's not a problem, I've made out with guys before. Hell, I've done more than that.” The thought shouldn't make Kibum jealous, and yet it does. “It's always just... so scary when feelings get involved, it's so easy to get hurt one way or another. And, because I'm a selfish coward, I decided it would be better to stop talking to you altogether rather than let myself get hurt. Flawless logic, huh?”

Kibum can feel himself trembling. With anger, maybe. He's not sure. “That's... that's really ing low.” Jonghyun just sighs like he knows that. “So? What makes it easier this time? Why is it less painful now?” It sure isn't less painful for Kibum, but Jonghyun must be here for a reason.

“I'm braver than I used to be, for one,” Jonghyun explains. “Also, when you turn me down and tell me to get lost in approximately thirty seconds from now, I won't be at risk of losing my best friend.” He grimaces. “Seeing as I already ed that up years ago.”

“What do you get out of telling me, if you're so sure I'm going to reject you?”

Jonghyun smiles. Soft. Familiar. “I needed to get it off my chest. I needed you to know that what happened is entirely my fault for being unable to deal with my emotions like an adult and that you did nothing wrong. The moment I saw you on the other side of the counter at that coffee shop, I knew I had to do it. I needed closure, and I thought maybe you would want that as well.”

He's not... entirely wrong. Even though Kibum has attempted to bury all memories of his friendship with Jonghyun, there have still been times – at night when he was laying in bed and everything was silent, at particularly weak moments when he'd look through old photos from his teenage days – where Jonghyun popped into his thoughts again. Kibum has tried so hard to forget him, but he has always been... there. People say you never quite forget your first love, after all.

“Well, I appreciate it. I'm glad to know that all the ing up was done on your part.” Jonghyun smiles, though it doesn't quite reach his eyes. He looks sad more than anything. Kibum lets out a faux-exasperated sigh. “And here I was all these years, thinking I had scared you away because you had somehow found out about the massive crush I had on you.”

It seems to take a moment for the words to sink in, then Jonghyun's eyes widen. “What?”

“I had the biggest crush on you in high school,” Kibum elaborates. “It was disgusting, really. Lots of angst. Lots of helpless pining. Lots of crying over always falling in love with straight guys.”

“I'm not all straight, though,” Jonghyun interjects.

Kibum laughs without mirth. “And, oh, how much easier my life would have been if I knew that.”

There is still something solemn about Jonghyun's smile. “Right.” Clearly both of their lives could have been much easier if they had just been honest with their feelings. But Jonghyun is right. Feelings are scary. Even if Kibum had known back then that Jonghyun liked guys as well as girls, he's not sure he would have actually been brave enough to confess to him. Even if he had known, there was no way for him to be sure that Jonghyun liked him.

Now, though... now Kibum knows. It's a good thing he's done with being scared, then. He eyes Jonghyun up and down, then does a beckoning motion. “Come here.” Jonghyun appears hesitant, skeptical, like he isn't sure of Kibum's intentions. Kibum rolls his eyes. “I want to give you a hug.”

Jonghyun looks like he still doesn't trust it. “Just like that? You're just going to forgive me?”

“I haven't forgiven you,” Kibum clarifies. “Not yet, but... I don't hate you anymore, at least. So let me hug you.” That seems to be all the convincing Jonghyun needs. He takes another step forward, closing the last few inches of space that had remained between them, until they're standing chest to chest, until Kibum can wrap his arms around Jonghyun's shoulders and hold him tight.

It's so familiar. Jonghyun always gave the best hugs. He has noticeably more muscle on him than he did the last time they embraced like this, but he still feels like Jonghyun, he still smells like Jonghyun when Kibum presses his face against his neck and breathes in. Even through the faint traces of lingering smoke still clinging to his warm skin. Kibum can feel the tension bleeding out of him as he melts into Jonghyun's arms. “God, I missed you so much,” Jonghyun whispers, like he's scared of ruining the moment by being too loud.

Kibum's eyes feel suspiciously misty when he mumbles back: “I missed you too.”

He doesn't know how long they stay like that. Long enough for his legs to start trembling, but that could be from the catharsis, the relief of having this finally work out. It's Jonghyun, who begins shifting first, motioning to pull away, and Kibum, although reluctant, follows suit. Then they're standing there, just looking at each other. Kibum has his arms loosely draped over Jonghyun's shoulders, Jonghyun's hands are on Kibum's waist. Until he raises them. Once more, he caresses Kibum's neck with a gentle touch before cradling his face in both of his palms. Kibum used to hate it when Jonghyun did that because it made his heart race and his breath hitch. It still has that effect on him, of course, but now he knows it's not necessarily a bad thing.

Instead of pulling away, he starts leaning closer. The soft smile on Jonghyun's face fades to be replaced by surprise, confusion. He doesn't move, though, and Kibum knows for sure, this time, that he sees Jonghyun's eyes drop to his mouth. “Can I kiss you?” Jonghyun asks. At that point they're so close to touching that Kibum feels the words as a ghost of air against his lips.

“What do you think?” Kibum deadpans. Isn't it obvious what he wants? Jonghyun still seems to hesitate, and Kibum rolls his eyes. “How can I make it more clear? Do I need to send you a written invitatio–” He's cut off by Jonghyun kissing him, but he's not even mad about it.

Jonghyun's lips are chapped but warm against Kibum's, and he tastes like cigarette smoke dulled by strawberry candy when he slides his tongue into Kibum's mouth. He's exactly as good of a kisser as Kibum had imagined he would be – and, if he has to be honest, he has imagined it a lot. Jonghyun holds Kibum's face in his hands like he's made from precious jewels and steals his breath away with each slick glide of his lips, each pleased groan rumbling deep in his throat, and Kibum feels like he's burning up. He loves it.

They kiss and kiss and kiss, until Kibum's lips are raw and numb, until he's lightheaded because they have barely even stopped to breathe, until Kibum's chest feels like it's about to burst with all this emotion he can hardly contain. And even then, they continue kissing. If Kibum had a choice, he would keep doing this forever: holding Jonghyun in his arms, breathing him in, feeling his heart beat against his chest. Kibum has waited so long for this. For years on end, he has held on to what seemed like hopeless hope, and now, against all odds, that hope has somehow become reality.

So, when Jonghyun breaks the kiss, Kibum almost doesn't let him. “What is this?” Jonghyun pants, but his lips are on Kibum's again before he has a chance to reply. “What does this mean? What are we?” A kiss to punctuate each sentence. Jonghyun's hands slipping into Kibum's hair, tender. His eyes so intense, but still sparkling bright with passion as he looks at Kibum.

“I don't know,” Kibum says. He leans back in, at Jonghyun's lips until they open up for him, willing, eager. Once Kibum pulls away again, he sees Jonghyun's throat bop. He wants to that as well. “I don't know. But can't we just keep making out for a while?” Jonghyun seems more than thrilled to do just that.

Of course Kibum knows in the back of his mind that they're going to have to talk eventually. They have to talk about this, talk about them, talk about everything. For the time being, however, he's content to just stay like this: stupidly happy and grossly in love. He loves it.

~*~

A/N: obligatory onew because if you say you don't love lee jinki, you're either lying or in denial.

this is technically(?) the end, but what I wanted out of this story from the very beginning was for them to diddle each other's fiddles. like, I literally just wanted them to meet again after a long time, reconcile, then have angry . then the aforementioned plot spillage happened, I accidentally wrote 9000 words instead of the ~2000 I had intended, and the rest is history. I am weak. OTL

I guess what I'm trying to say is: this is the end of the actual story, the part that means something, the plot, so you can stop here, if you want. however, if you wish to expose yourself to some awful jongkey , stick around for the final update. no refunds.