~ The hardest thing to do, is to watch the one you love, love someone else ~

Being a single guy in your group of friends, all of whom are ‘taken’ is awkward. But being the single guy in love with his gay best friend, who is also ‘taken’ has to be the icing on the cake.

Sehun had known it since the day he realised he was gay. He was in love with Jongin, his best friend since the time the two had been in diapers. They met through their parents, who were classmates turned business friends turned best buds. Naturally, they were the best of friends too.

Just like everyone expected.

But what was unexpected was both of them coming out as gay on the same day.

Christmas of 2010.

Sehun still remembers the day as clear as if it were yesterday. Their parents always meet of for the holiday, and that year was no different than the 15 years before that. Only difference was the paleness in Jongin’s skin as he paced in front of Sehun. Sehun could tell he was nervous, just like he could tell every other thing about Jongin, so he confronted to other. Honestly when Jongin shouted that he was gay at Sehun’s face, Sehun had hoped, for a second that another confession would follow eventually. A confession in which Jongin confessed his undying love for the other.

He did get that confession a few months down the lane, only in it Jongin was declaring his love for a guy named Do Kyungsoo of class A instead of Sehun. They had gotten together a few days later and broken up in 6 months. And since then it had all been pretty much the same, new man and break-ups, till they entered college and Jongin met him.

Park Chanyeol.

Sehun had accepted Jongin, now Kai’s, string of lovers as something of a distraction of a boy, since he always came back to him at the end of the day. Sehun liked to believe that one day, Jongin would look at him like he looks at all those men who cross his path instead of ignoring him. He had thought that one day, when Jongin was done playing around he would turn and look at Sehun and realise that what he had been looking for all along had been right beside him all the while.

I'm gonna smile like nothing's wrong, pretend like everything's alright, act like it is all perfect, even though inside it really hurts.

Sehun had been waiting patiently for the day Jongin would come to him. But then he met Park Chanyeol, and he knew in an instant that things were different this time around.

Jongin’s steps had an extra spring to them, his smile was the brightest when he was around Chanyeol, Jongin was glowing and Sehun just knew that he was in love with the tall male. As hard as it had been for him to accept, he had tried to smile back and seem just as enthusiastic about each date, each night out, each stay over, while inside he was burning slowly.

He was a mess, he was scared and he was jealous.

He was jealous that Park Chanyeol had gotten everything he had ever wanted. But nothing mattered to him more than Jongin’s smile, and so he swallowed his feelings and stood beside his friends and watched silently as the two would exchange affectionate words or actions.

But he was after all human, and humans have a breaking point. His was the day after Jongin turned up in his doorstep in tears, claiming that he had fought with Chanyeol. He had looked after the poor weeping, taking him in and wrapping him in blankets, making sure he ate, and cheering him up. And he succeeded in making the other laugh and forget Chanyeol for a few, because no one else knew his Jongin like he did. Even Jongin himself agreed to that.

But like all good things, their time together came to an end when Chanyeol turned up again and swept Jongin away right under his nose all over again. And that was the last time Jongin ever came to him for comfort. In fact, it had been the last time they spent more than just a few hours together.

He had cried his guts out, while drunk, to Kyungsoo, who had surprisingly remained friends with the duo even after his break-up with Jongin. Kyungsoo had of course, nothing to say to comfort him but give him a shoulder to cry on. He advised Sehun to let go, but then he himself knew it was not possible, not when Sehun’s love ran deeper than just a few months.

Sehun had believed that he would be happy as long as Jongin was happy; as long as they remain friends and Jongin would come to him with his problem, he would be fine.

As time passed it was becoming increasingly clear to everyone around them that Chanyeol and Jongin were serious. They had moved in together and Jongin had become so wrapped up in his new life, that he forgot the one person who had stayed up nights to make sure Jongin was asleep, who had refused to eat until his best friend had called him to wish him good morning and who would still throw everything away with just one word from him.

Because that’s how life is, you always move forward and never look back. And that’s what Jongin did, and so he completely missed that one man who still had his hands out-stretched for him to hold on to.

Sehun had noticed the change. The long, two hour, daily phone-calls became just a minute calls every alternate weekends. Their weekly meet-ups were non-existence now, but Sehun hadn’t stopped going to their favorite café outside their college and waiting for the other to show up, every Wednesday evening, because that was their thing.

But one day, he did show up. But he wasn’t alone. He had come with Chanyeol. Sehun jumped up in excitement and was about to wave his hands to grab his attention but then froze when he noted that Jongin hadn’t even looked around to their favorite spot. Instead he and Chanyeol had settled at a spot at the other corner, facing away from Sehun.

Sehun slumped back down on his chair, his eyes glued on the pair as they shared their frappe and laughed like there was nothing wrong in the world. Jongin’s melodious laughter, for the first time cut Sehun’s heart into pieces rather than make him calm. His eyes filled up with angry tears as he watched the man he had loved with all his heart laugh casually with another man, totally ignoring his existence.

As if in an attempt to prove himself wrong, Sehun picked up his phone and dialled the number he had engraved into his mind years ago. He saw as the other reached into his jacket and glance at the Id, he saw the look of curiosity that crossed Jongin’s features, and for a second, he was hopeful. But it all came crashing down when he saw Jongin swipe his finger across the screen and his phone told him that he had ended the call.

That wasn’t the thing that made him walk out the café and into the bar in broad daylight and drink his guts out. No, it was the glittering band on his ring finger that snapped Sehun’s heart totally. He hadn’t known, Jongin hadn’t told him. He wondered what else he had missed, he wondered who Jongin had told it all to. He wondered if Jongin even remembered him anymore.

Later that day, Jongin had called back, but he didn’t pick the phone up. Jongin had called one more time. But he wouldn’t get a reply, never again. Sehun had just sat there, head pounding, watching the phone light up, showing Jongin’s name, while Kyungsoo got him some tea.

“You should leave.” He suggested, and for once, Sehun listened.

Before going home, he went to the travel agency. A two month trip to Europe should clear his head enough, he hoped. He tried to be excited, but all he could think about was the person he was leaving behind.

When he reached home, he immediately started packing up. Not wanting to waste a second. One week, that’s all he had to settle things here before leaving and to be honest, Sehun had only one thing he wanted to settle.

Kim Jongin.

Two days before his departure, he showed up at his door step. A big smile on his face, eyes glittering with happiness and glowing.

Sehun fell in love all over again. Not that he ever got over it.

Jongin was with him the whole day, going on and on about his life with Chanyeol and how happy he was. Maybe he hadn’t noticed Sehun’s silence or he didn’t care. Sehun knew Jongin well enough to know that when the other was in his ranting mood, the whole world could collapse and he still wouldn’t realise it. It’s one of the quirks that Kim Jongin possessed that had made him fall.

They talked, more like he talked and they drank, more like Sehun drank. Sehun’s head was aching, as was his heart. Jongin had talked non-stop about him and Chanyeol. With every word that left his moth he realised how much he wanted to run away from Jongin. A feeling he never though he’d ever have.

“…and remember the café we used to go to? I took Chanyeol there the other day, he loved it Sehun! In fact he said we could go there every week, just like we used to. Oh and by the way, you have got to eat the spaghetti he makes, I don’t get how every time he makes that for dinner I forget to invite you over! And what about you huh? How have you been? You , you haven’t called me in ages and now look I am doing all the talking!”

Sehun chuckled at the other, though every word he had said had pierced his heart like shards. Jongin said he ‘forgot’, that he took Chanyeol to the place they used to go to, ‘used to’, when had they stopped? when had Jongin told Sehun not to wait for him anymore?

“I’m serious here! You barely ever talk to my anymore. You don’t show up at the group meets. You don’t pick up when I call. You don’t even care about me anymore do you?” Jongin was frowning now.

Sehun chuckled some more, chugging down the beer in the bottle in his hands and then opening another one, not bothering to reply. Because he and everyone else knew exactly who was the one who ‘didn’t care anymore’. Sehun went to every ‘meet-up’ and ended up being the only one without a friend to pour his guts out too, Jongin stood him up, so many times, and the one time he had shown up, he came with Chanyeol and Sehun shrunk away.

“Sehun! I am talking to you! Stop being an okay! I get it, I am bothering you. I can’t believe this, after 23 years of our friendship, this is the way we end? You are such a jerk. You have changed so much, where is my best friend. I love that guy…this one, the you have becom-“

“Love?” Sehun scoffed. Laughing when Jongin shut up, looking at him shocked at his reaction. “You loved me?”

“Of course I did!” he exclaimed.

“Ha…hahahahaha!! You loved me?” tears fell out of Sehun’s eyes as he doubled up in laughter. Jongin was insulted at the reaction.

“You are drunk. Call me when you are sober. I don’t want to talk to you like think. Not when you are insulting me.”

“You loved me…”

“Sehun…are you okay?”

Jongin asked for the first time. He suddenly noticed that the room seemed at bit bare, as if he had been packing. Then when he looked at Sehun, he realised that his friend had last a lot of weight than when they met last. His eyes were sunken in, with dark circles around them. He noticed that even though Sehun had been laughing, there was no cheerfulness, no humour in his laughter. The sound didn’t want to make him laugh along, this laughter made him want to cry.

“Sehun?” he whispered, catching the other’s attention.

“You loved me…” Sehun repeated. “…but not enough…” and then he became a laughing crying mess.

“Sehun you’ve had too much to drink.” Jongin noted the bottles around his friend for the first time, when had he drank so much? He moved to pick the other off the floor, but he found himself yanked forward, making him sit in front of the drunk male. He had finally stopped laughing.

“You loved me…but not like you love him…”

“What?”

“Can’t you see? Why can’t you see yet?” Sehun’s hand grabbed his face and made him look right into his eyes. “Why can’t you see it? Why can’t you see me?”

“Se-“

“It’s always been me; I am always the one that ran behind you, since the day we first met to now. I ran and ran. I never stopped running towards you Jongin, but every time I reach you, you slip right through my fingers.”

“I was always here Sehun.”

“NO!! NO YOU WERE NOT.” Jongin was startled, he stared wide eyed as Sehun got off the floor and pushed himself away from him. It pained Jongin to see Sehun like this. And it pained him even more that he had no idea what was going on in Sehun’s mind. For the first time, he realised the distance between them.

“I was!” he tried desperately, to calm the sobbing male down.

“No…no you weren’t! You never were. If you were you would’ve known. You would’ve stayed.”

“I never left Sehun. I am right here.”

“But your heart isn’t.” Sehun whispered. Making Jongin stop.

“What?”

“Your heart. It’s with Chanyeol isn’t it? It is right? It’s with him, like it was with Luhan before, and Taemin before that, and Minho and Jonghyun and Kyungsoo.”

“Are you calling me a ?”

“NO! No…No…never…you are beautiful Jongin. So pretty, so easy to fall in love with. So perfect. I know. Everything you do is so perfect, so graceful. Probably thanks to all those ballet lesson you took when you were a kid, does Chanyeol know about those? Does Chanyeol know how you used to skip school to watch me dance? Does Chanyeol know how we faked out ID’s and went to the bar every week? Does Chanyeol know how it feels like to eat smores at 12 noon? Does he know how beautiful you look when you are dancing? Does he stop and stare at you when you laugh like I do? Does his heart beat fast every time you are near? Does his happiness depend solely on yours? No! NO…NO…it doesn’t. He doesn’t, he can’t know. He won’t ever know all that. Because he won’t ever love you as much as I do.”

“Sehun-”

“15 years!! I have loved you for 15 years! All I ever did was look at you. Remember when you asked me why I never had a date? It’s because I couldn’t even bear to be with someone who wasn’t you. I could bear to see another person smile at my silly jokes, I couldn’t bear the thought of having someone else in my arms. I can’t still bare it.”

Sehun broke down while Jongin stood rooted to his spot, not sure whether his friend was serious or it was his alcohol talking.

“I have loved you always. But you never even looked back. You say I don’t care? You say I didn’t talk much? Look at yourself? Since you moved in with Chanyeol how many times have you called me? How many times have you attended my call? How many things have you kept from me? How many…how many times have you forgotten me? And all this while I have done nothing but think about you. I kept myself alive knowing you’d be happy whatever you were doing. But now I know. I was the only one that cared.”

“You know that’s not true!”

“You stopped coming to the café. You stopped…you took him there instead…you didn’t tell me you got...engaged.”

Jongin gasped. Realising that he indeed had not told Sehun about Chanyeol’s proposal, but only because he had thought he had told the other.

“Sehun I-“

“Go away…please…enough. I’ve been hurt enough.”

“Sehun…!”

“GO!!”

And Jongin left, knowing there was nothing else he could do but leave. He’ll talk to him later. But what he did not know was that it was the last time he’d see Sehun for a long while. Because everything had changed, and unknown to both the boys, their whole relationship had changed.

Because then Sehun left, without a word and Jongin was left staring at the locked door waiting for his best friend to open the door. He had cried his eyes out that day, his guilt eating him up. Sehun was right, not once had he tried to reach out to the other, but he had blamed him instead. After getting together with Chanyeol, Jongin was happy in his own world, not once thinking about his old life. All he had cared about was Chanyeol. And he was happy that Chanyeol had loved him back.

His life had become Chanyeol’s. Jongin smiled bitterly as he sat on the floor next to the door. He really had neglected his old friends for Chanyeol’s; he had left Sehun behind to accommodate Chanyeol’s friends. His free time was spent with Chanyeol’s friends, his family, and Jongin was so immersed in them; in making his boyfriend happy, that he had forgotten about his own friends.

He had forgotten Sehun.

I loved you for 15 years.

Jongin dusted his pants and walked away from his best friend’s house. 15 years is a very long time. Too long. And Jongin had never noticed. He wondered what else he had missed in those years, had he really known Sehun at all?

Miles away, another tear fell out of Sehun’s eyes. It was hard, very hard. But he had to move on. He had to move on and live his own life. For far too long everything was about Jongin, it’s time someone looks at him too, for a change, Sehun wants someone to look at him. Look at him and see him only. Because the worst kind of pain is when you are smiling, just to stop he tears from falling, and Sehun was tired. He was so tired. he gently wiped of his tears and raised the glass of wine he was sipping on, to his lips.

Here's to the future, because i am so done with the past.