A Kiss Away
Bruised and Scarred
 

A Kiss Away

My throat hurt when I tried gulping down my hot coffee. What can I do? It has been a while since I last saw him. But then again, I can’t believe he still has the same effect on me.

I’m on our usual spot here in Starbucks inside the campus. Huh, I’m just going to ask him a favor. No big deal. Well, it is a big deal because it’s as serious as it sounds stupid.

I saw him looking for me and when he did, he gave me a nod and it’s his way of saying hey. He’s still outside, though. And how I wish time would stop or slow down. Why did he come here so fast? I need more time to prepare myself. I’m not even sure if I’m ready.

He stopped and checked his phone. glass walls. They’re not so helpful sometimes.

I just want to run and hide and never show myself to him again and tell him that everything’s a mistake. But I won’t. And I have to man the up and tell him.

It’s not like I’m going to ask him to marry me or something. It isn’t like that. At all. Even though it has something to do with marriage. He’s my only hope and I hope the world is with me today.

He entered the coffee shop but he ordered first before coming to me. Coming. To me. Sounds weird when I’m referring to him. And what’s even weirder is that it used to be the most normal thing before. Well one of the most normal things before.

He has his usual Zen brewed tea and two cinnamon buns. Did he bought one for me? I suddenly feel so excited but I have to remind myself that maybe he’s just being nice.

“Here,” he handed me over the plate.

“Thanks. You really didn’t have to.”

“It’s cool, Wendy.”

I smiled. The least I can do right now is to not make him feel awkward. “Anyway, how’s life?”

“Well.” He smiled. Somehow it was that smile that sent me running. That beautiful, enigmatic and somehow playful smile. “How are you?”

“Well. I’m doing well.”

“Nice.” Oh, how I hate small talks.

“So… what’s up?”

He locked eyes with me for few seconds and then he shrugged. You don’t want to tell me? Fine, then.

We ate in silence but then he’s suddenly handing me napkins. He pointed at my face but I don’t know where he’s getting at so he leaned over and wiped something off my face. “Careful.”

“Ah, yeah, sorry. You didn’t have to.”

“No problem.”

When we finished our food, we just keep on glancing at each other. I hate awkwardness. “So,” I said when I finally found the courage to speak. “I need you to do me a favor…”

“What is it?”

“Be my boyfriend.” This time, I locked eyes with him. I tried holding his gaze for as long as I can. “I mean, fake boyfriend. Pretend boyfriend. I don’t know, however they call it.”

“What? Why?”

I told him the story of my crazy grandmother who will literally arrange my marriage with someone I don’t really know when I don’t show her a boyfriend of mine in flesh. And I don’t have any choice. I have lots of friends who are boys but I don’t want them do it. Somehow it feels wrong. And with Mark… I’m not so sure. Last night I just found myself sending him a message and asking him to meet up with me here even though winter break already started.

“You’re asking me to fake date you?”

“Yeah. Is it weird?”

“Yeah.”

I sighed. Why did I even risk the chance? I don’t think I can face him ever again.

“So you are telling me that—”

“That you should be my pretend boyfriend until I graduate which is a semester away—”

“And it’s because—”

“My grandma will literally arrange marriage me to some random Korean guy if she realized that I don’t have anyone at the moment—”

“So you called your ­ex-boyfriend to pretend for you.”

I smiled cheekily and threw a used tissue napkin in his face. “Yup.” I don’t even know why I want him to do it. Who knows, maybe I have some hidden agenda. But then again, I don’t want anyone else to do this for me. And I also won’t do it with anyone else. “You’re not dating anyone, are you?” he fell silent. So… is there someone else? “If that’s the case then I’ll just ask someone else.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I mean,” he took a sip in his tea before answering my question, “I don’t have one.”

“Really?”

“I mean,” he’s babbling again, “There is someone and we just started talking… we’re not really together so I think it is fine.”

“So you will help me?” I can’t hide the relief in my voice. I’m so embarrassing.

“Do I have a choice?”

“You always do.”

He sighed. I don’t know what that is for but whatever. “I’ll do it.”

“Thank you!” I said a little too happily.

“But what’s your plan?”

“I don’t know. I just have to make her believe that I have someone until I graduate—which is a semester away—because then, I’ll be out of her hair. I can run away whatsoever.”

I’m the kid with big dreams. I don’t intend to stay in the same place forever. So when I graduate, I’ll try to find a job in North California. And I’ll be out of anyone’s hair and they’ll be out of mine.

“I’ll stick with you until then.”

There it is again. The smile. “I really hate that smile of yours.”

“What?”

We held each other’s gazes before I told him. The truth, of course. I wouldn’t lie to him. Not then, not now, not ever. “You’re making me nervous.”

***

“Grandma…” that pointed look of hers is always sending chills down my spine. I hate this. But still I smiled and reached for Mark’s hand. Our relatives—most of them are just here for vacation because they’re from Korea—are watching us. I’m glad that Mark didn’t complain. “This is Mark.” Her gaze shifted. She studied him and as she does that, I didn’t realize that I’m holding my breath until Mark blew an air to my ear.

“Nice to meet you, Ma’am.”

Grandma smiled. Pleased. “Just call me grandma.”

Mark gave her the smile. And maybe if she’s around my age she would’ve swooned. I see my little cousins gaping at him. It’s crazy. He’s not even this good looking before.

“Uhm, we’ll be in the balcony if you need us.” I tell her and pulled Mark with me. I blew an air and even tried inhaling so much air because I feel like fainting. “It turned out well, right?”

I almost forgot that I was holding his hand so when I let myself collapse on the floor, he collapsed with me. “Oh, sorry.”

“It is fine,” and then his free hand is inches away from my face. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. But he only fixed my bangs. “I thought you hate having bangs?”

I still do. I’m surprised he still remember. “For a change.”

“Ah, so should I shave my head then?”

“You will never do that,” I pat his head like a kid, “you love your hair a lot.” And I want to run my fingers through his hair but I stopped myself before I even do something I will regret. I most certainly cannot do that.

We remained silent for few minutes. Well actually it was quite long. It was awkward and weird like you’re hanging out with your old friends and you just don’t have anything to talk about. I had to remind myself that that’s what exactly what we are. Old friends. So just imagine how shocked I was when he put his left arm around me and let his head rest on my shoulder.

I want to shrug him off. I want to. But somehow, like all the crazy love stories out there, I can’t. “Is it okay?” he asked. I said yes. He only does this when he’s stressed out.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m okay. Your family’s really great.”

“I’m not talking about that.”

“Then what are you talking about?”

“I know something’s wrong. You can tell me, you know?” We’re friends. Friends.

“If I tell you that I’m not okay because of you…” he lifted his head and used his hands to make me force look at him. He has my face wrapped around his hands. Literally. “What will you do?”

“Anything you want me to do.” And our faces are centimeters away. This isn’t right, right? He’s talking to someone. That must be something. I can’t be interfering. But he said they’re not together. So it’s alright, right? What the heck. What am I even thinking about?

.

So I close my eyes and wait for his lips to touch mine. I waited and waited and waited but it didn’t happen. I felt him kiss the tip of my nose. Like he always does when we were still together. “I’m having a hard time because of you.” And then he stood up and then left me like an idiot here.

I want to tell him that he’s giving me hard time, too. I was supposed to be fine. Unaffected in any way. But one look at him and I’m in drought again.

***

I ran as fast as I can to Barnes & Noble and went to look for my wallet. This is so not happening to me. I tried asking the staffs if they saw my wallet but they didn’t. How am I supposed to go home if I don’t have my wallet? It’s not like my dorm is just around.

I can’t call my mom. She’s going to kill me. Yerim and Joy are both too busy. I can’t bother them. How the hell can I be so stupid?

It’s just a coin purse with few dollars for books and fare. I don’t have my real wallet with me. I have all my cards there but now… I really don’t have anything but from my phone.

I’ve been scrolling up and down to my contact list but I can’t think of anyone who can help me here. For someone who has lots of friends, I sure am friendless at the moment.

And that’s when I saw his name.

I cursed and cursed and cursed before calling him. “Hey,”

“Uh, hey, uhm—”

“Is there anything wrong?”

“Not really.” Everything’s so wrong right now. “But I need help. Are you busy?”

“Kind of. I’m with… her.”

“Oh. Right. Okay, then. Bye.” I ended the call.

I’m starting to panic here. I don’t even know what I should do. . I decided to hide behind a bookshelf. I’m safe here, right? Right. I should clear my mind.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts—I’m trapped here——Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts—he’s with her—fu—I’ll be okay—happy thoughts—!!!

I’ll be okay.

And then my phone started ringing. I answered it without even looking who’s the caller. “H…hello?”

“Wendy? Where are you? Are you okay?”

“Ma—” I sniffed. “I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay. Where are you?”

“The Grove. At Barnes & Noble.”

“Are you crying?”

“You don’t have to worry about me. You’re busy, right? I’ll be fine.”

“Don’t leave there, okay? Wait for me.”

He hang up.

I didn’t even realize I’m crying. Jesus why am I like this? Why am I so weak? I shouldn’t be like this. But is he really coming to get me? Did I bother him? He was supposed to be having a good time with whoever she is and I’m just too stupid to call him. But did I made him worry? Is that a good thing?

I waited for him. For almost an hour. I was going to give up when someone suddenly hugged him. His breathing is ragged and his hug is too tight. “Are you okay?” I wrapped my arms around him.

“I am now.”

He inched away from me and now that we have a clear view of each other, he looks so… stressed. “Are you?” He nodded and imitated my reply.

“What happened?” I told him what happen. And he didn’t say anything. He just listened to my story and allowed to sound so weak. He intertwined his fingers with mine and kissed the top of my head. Wow. Isn’t this romantic? We’re here hiding behind huge book shelf and we’re acting as if… as if we’re a couple. Even when we both know we shouldn’t.

“I’m so sorry for making you worry. And for ruining your time with her.”

“It is all cool, okay? Don’t worry about it. And I am where I want to be.”

“What?”

“I’m here with you, right? So you don’t have to worry about her.”

“You ditched her?”

“I did.” I hit him.

“You’re mad! You shouldn’t have done that!”

“And what? Allow you to stay here like you’re so hopeless?”

“Huh.” He pulled me closer to him.

“I’m not even sure why we broke up.”

“You’re not?”

“I’m not. So enlighten me, will you?”

How are you supposed to tell your ex-boyfriend the reason why you split up? “It didn’t work.”

“Try again.”

“Okay… we had a fight, remember? I just keep on… getting mad over stupid things. And you’re not exactly the most patient person on earth…”

“And even though we want to give it another shot, we were both so tired that we decided to give up instead of talking about things out. It’s like that All Time Low song. Too much of everything is too much. And I guess we had too much of each other… and the world. I don’t know maybe—”

He cut me off by kissing the hell out of me. I missed this. I missed him. “Let’s forget about it, okay?”

“And what do you want us to do?” I’m not even sure why I’m suddenly so shy.

“Live the part two of our story.”

“How about her?”

“The moment you called me and you sounded so…. Helpless…. I had to make a decision.”

“It’s not just a matter of where you should be but also who is it that you really want to be with?”

“Yeah…”

“And—”

“And you. I was supposed to be with you.”

“So we really don’t have to pretend?”

“We don’t.”

“And we’re back together?”

“We are.”

“You’re going to marry me?”

“Do you want me to?”

“If I say yes, what are you going to do?”

“I’ll marry you right at this very moment.”

Maybe he’s just really a kiss away. I was on the brink of giving up on him. Maybe the reason why I called him to be my pretend boyfriend is because I really want him to be my boyfriend. Maybe that about sociology and pretending is applicable even with love. Maybe.

One kiss and the world turned upside down. Another kiss and it’s okay again.

Life is a lot like a music video. Most of the time it’s based on the song. And just like that Mayday Parade song called Bruised and Scarred, I’m just one kiss away from him as he is to me. Maybe he keeps on listening to that song. Maybe that line was really applicable to us. Maybe it’s for us.

Call my name if you’re afraid, I’m just a kiss away.

And one day we will all find that song that will fit our lives—be it a song about love, independence, happiness, freedom… whatsoever—and we will feel better. Because at least we are not alone. And even if we are, we have the world. And just like any other music videos, life will leave us hanging. So we have to learn how to make a move.