Soonyoung pushed the door open. A bundle of jacket puddled on a seat, seemed like the owner of the room slept with head on the table. The performance team leader tip-toed slowly and stood behind the seat. The bronze-brown lock was under the mess of the jacket. A sigh escaped Soonyoung’s lips. He slowly pulled the jacket and draped it nicely on the small frame. Noticing the small guy slept while the song was still playing, Soonyoung stopped the play and pulled off softly the earphones. He noticed the title of the current song; in fact it was the only song in the playlist.

‘Gnash feat Olivia O’brien – I hate you, I love you’

A wash of worries, pity, sad and annoyed came through Soonyoung’s inside. His small friend was suffering endless time because of that person. Soonyoung didn’t like it and he wanted to see his small friend smiled freely again. But he couldn’t do anything except giving little comfort because he knew his small friend already loves that person too deep. He knew that fact exactly, which made him annoyed to the core. Of why that person couldn’t see this small figure loves him so much. His small friend was obvious, plain obvious with his feelings. Even before he was told by his friend about his feelings that one fateful day, Soonyoung already noticed. The blonde exhaled and softly ruffled the brown lock.

“Soonyoung?” The slurry voice echoed and Soonyoung quickly flashed a happy smile.

“Yeah, it’s me. You fell asleep again, Jihoonie.” The small guy sat straight and rubbed his eyes.

“Yeah, I did it again.” Soonyoung patted Jihoon’s head.

“Let’s go home, everybody already sleeping by now.” Soonyoung noticed the damp cheeks. He exhaled, knowing Jihoon cried to sleep again. Jihoon noticed Soonyoung’s stares and quickly rubbed the trail away. Soonyoung just smiled. “Do you want to stay here or go home?” Soonyoung asked. Jihoon looked at him.

“I want to stay, please.” Soonyoung nodded. He ruffled the hair in pats of concern before tucking the jacket closer to the small frame.

“Sleep on the couch. I will return to you before our schedule tomorrow. I will arrange everything for you, so catch some sleep.” Soonyoung said as he pulled Jihoon to stand. The weak figure just complied and walked to the couch. Soonyoung made sure Jihoon lied down comfortably before walking to the door. “I’ll be back. Just sleep.”

“Soonyoung ah.” Soonyoung stopped at the door and turned. Jihoon looked at him. “Could you please play the song?” Soonyoung’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Jihoon, that Gnash song…”

“Please…I don’t think I can sleep in this silence…” Soonyoung sighed. He closed the door again and walked to the desk, hand grabbing the mouse to click play button. “Don’t put another song.” Soonyoung huffed.

“Lee Jihoon.”

“Please. Just today, please.” Soonyoung stared at the broken figure. Jihoon was abusing his lips, his eyes were red again. The performance team leader sighed and played the song. Jihoon smiled mildly and mouthed thanks before closing his eyes. Soonyoung sighed heavily and walked out from the room, locking it back. He walked back to the dorm as planned, leaving Jihoon all alone in the studio. He knew one fact, Jihoon was too broken and he would never want someone to be with him when he’s in that state, the lowest of the broken Lee Jihoon could be.

Jihoon POV

It hurts me every time I see you

I stared blankly at the empty ceiling, piece by piece of memories flew by me. Before he came into the group till the pretty recent time. And today was the worst day ever.

We’re practicing for our very first stage of 2016 comeback. Everyone worked so hard for this comeback, even me as the one who produced the songs. We’re doing all the best we could for the last practice that will end on 11 p.m. as we was told to take some rest tonight. It started as a joke but I didn’t imagine it to be a reality.

“Coups hyung, can you stop glancing? That’s too obvious.” The voice of the youngest rapper echoed in the practice room. The attention was brought to them; we’re in the middle of first chorus formation. I glanced to the mentioned name by the reflection on the mirror.

“What’s wrong Hansol?” Soonyoung’s voice was asking after a half-second silence.

“Well, hyung keep staring at Jeonghan hyung and that’s becoming too obvious. I mean he moved his head.” The said guy looked at the mixed blood guy.

“Eum, I’m just checking on the step, yeah that’s it.” Seungcheol grinned sheepishly. I looked away; I don’t like the conversation’s focus.

“Well, I noticed too hyung. It’s like-” Seokmin smirked playfully. “You’re checking him out. Awww, did our leader falls for our pretty angel’s beauty?”

“Shut up, Lee Seokmin.” Jeonghan retorted with a flustered face. Seungcheol was looking away, blushes crept on his cheeks. The air seemed to change drastically from teasing to frozen chills due to the reaction of the two. Being the keenest among the members, Jun blinked.

“It’s a joke, right?” Jun asked in confused tone. Jeonghan laughed awkwardly and glanced to the leader. Seungcheol seemed like in a deep thought before he looked up to the rest of the members. All of them were waiting, including me. I could hear my nervous thumping heart on every second of waiting for him to say something.

Seungcheol was inching closer to Jeonghan. The bobbed hair male blinked in surprise and gave a look. The leader just smiled as if giving an assurance. I didn’t like that view and I didn’t want to think more because it hurt. Somehow, the next agenda hurts me to the core. “Actually, Jeonghan and I are dating…for few months already.” The gasps, the shocks were obvious on every member’s face. While I on the other hand was numb to reality, I couldn’t respond to anything around me as if I was thrown away from this place and invisible to them. My knees buckled and I almost fell, but there were hands caught me just in time. Soonyoung.

I couldn’t think, listen or anything, all my senses blocked. I didn’t remember what happened next but Soonyoung’s voice was clear to me. “Well, a good bomb for today. I think we need to call a day. I’m pretty sure everyone perfected their part nicely so I wouldn’t worry for tomorrow and let’s dismiss here.” Soonyoung’s short and clear order seemed like pulling everyone back to the world. He brought me out from that room.

I pushed his hand when we’re outside. “I can walk.”

“Jihoon.”

“Let me be alone for a while, Soonyoung ah.” He stood silently near the closed door. I smiled and apologized silently as I walked away. Each step I took, I heard my heart shattered, again and again.

Now here I am, broken beyond repair. How could I go through the day with this fact? Even before knowing their status I was already living in hell, now how my day would be. Could I even stay alive now?

I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I will never be her

I hate that I love you, Choi Seungcheol. I hate myself for liking you, for loving you this much and for wanting you even though I knew you wouldn’t return what I wished for. Never when you only see him. Only him.

Closing my eyes, the painful tears rolled down once again and this time I don’t know when it will stop…