When did this mess called his life start unravelling for him even begin? It probably began around his second year of high school, that was during the time he really began pursuing his passion for music by looking into places where he could further look into becoming a lead singer of a band without his parent’s knowledge. Maybe it was even earlier than that, it could be the first time he participated in the school’s talent show and won, tasting the feeling of being on stage and performing in front of an audience. Implanting the idea in his head that maybe, just maybe this is the spark he was looking for after all these years of never excelling at sports or academics. He was never a boy who fit into the typical crowd of boys, sure he was adequate at what they were all interested in but he never once felt that he would do any of this later in life. Playing soccer, creating solar systems, and such were all fun but none of it gave him the drive that he saw his peers had.

Sunggyu leaned against the slightly rusted balcony of his apartment, looking out to the busy streets of Seoul which was a complete opposite of his hometown. Cigarette in his right hand, left hand propped up against his face to hold it up as he furrowed his brows, he thought back to what really lead him to this point in his life. It sure was the talent show in middle school but shaking his head he recalled during that time he was even more awkward and antisocial than he was now, so what made him decide to muster up the courage to join? After he had been staring idly at a beautiful piece of artwork on a billboard that recently was placed near his apartment building, he remembered. His face lightened up with a remorseful smile attached to his lips, Sunggyu flicked the ash off his cigarette to bring it up to his lips for a smoke. His cloudy memories began to clear up like his smoke being whisked away by the night breeze. Slowly but surely memories of his youth that weren’t so far but far enough invaded his mind. Those memories of youth: studying for tests with his best friends the day before, eating lunch in the cafeteria as they spoke about their miniscule issues, and playing video games until dawn on the weekends. The most significant memory of his youth had to be of one special person, her.

He chuckled audibly thinking about the insurmountable memories with her, when they had a fight with paint, arguing whether or not being able to fly was cooler than being invisible, and the times whenever they passed their test they would get ice cream. After thinking back on his memories with her he found himself smiling from ear to ear, quickly dismissing his smile and to continue back on his train of thought. He realized that she was the one who convinced him to join the talent show his last year of middle school. She being the one who overheard him in the chorus room singing to himself while playing a simple tune on the piano. He only sung as a secret hobby for himself to relieve stress and never thought anything of his voice until she came in loudly announcing how ‘he was so talented’ and ‘needs to enter the talent show'. Thinking back now, Sunggyu had no clue if it was for better or worse that she decided to eavesdrop and pushed him towards entering that talent show. His life wasn’t terrible, not at all actually. His band does well enough to allow him to survive off of that and they are going on a mini-underground tour of South Korea for the next couple of months. The only problem he has is the steps it took to get to the place he is at now, the people he had to lose, and all the sacrifices he had to make to ultimately reach this place of middle ground. Even now he holds a heavy heart within him that creates beautiful music but at what cost, that is his problem.

“Fate has a funny way of messing with people,” he puffed the last of his cigarette. Holding in the smoke for a split second to have it seep through his lips a second after; he exhaled exaggeratingly while putting out the cigarette, disposing it properly. “I should really quit smoking, she would probably hit me if she saw me right now.” He took a good look at the billboard one last time before entering his slightly disorganised but clean apartment. The picture of the butterfly flying towards a white flower majestically was crystal clear in his mind.  Of course they had to put something like that right in front of my apartment balcony, he thought to himself, looking in the mirror one last time at his slightly stubbled face he decided to shave tomorrow morning. Climbing into bed he thought to himself how ironic his life had become to the point where it wasn’t even funny.

The amount of times life screwed him over but he had to deal with it because that was his life as Kim Sunggyu. He didn’t know if it had to do with him becoming a singer or if his life would’ve been this troublesome either way. Who knows, all he knew was that tomorrow was going to be a long day since they had a gig at this well-known underground club so the pressure was on. He rested his eyes and laid still hoping the jittery feeling in his heart would reside if he did that. He could feel his heartbeat slowing down and finally began slowly but surely drifting into sleep. Maybe his suffering would finally come to end, maybe the heart soaked with regret would be relieved. If only he knew that it wouldn’t be easy to erase the pain that was buried deep within him. Tomorrow wouldn’t only be the day of one of the bigger gigs of his life, but old wounds reopening, stretched open, and confronted years later. He could only hide from it for so long and allow music to take away his pain, but now he needs to face his demons head on.