All passengers aboard we are now making a stop at Chungmuro

 

Hongbin stared at his phone screen, scrolling through the emails of today’s thanks and of tomorrows assignments. He stood there at the station, ever so close to the yellow caution line of the tracks, waiting for the train to pass him by and pick him up along with hundreds of other civilians in the area. Waiting to be taken away and returned back to his tiny apartment with a cold draft, despite having no windows. Waiting to get away and return to his life of solitude and cold milk and stale bread. Waiting.

 

Slowly, the train pulled into the station, and Hongbin smiled as he took note of how few persons were at the stop, getting on along with him. It was a Thursday night, not yet Friday, and not yet the end of the business week. Many had already gone home, and most students had stopped wandering the streets hours ago. The train compartment held about four people in total. Hong bin, an old man, a woman his age and her small son( which he assumed she had always picked him up from a babysitter on her way back from work), and the usual other two-three guests.

 

Walking onto the train, he waited for the ancient metal doors to open and first entered the compartment. He went to his regular seat, three spaces to the right of the doors, facing them so that he could see who came in and who came out. 

 

Hongbin didn’t like to be observed. He was often told he was handsome, but to him the face in his mirror felt like another being entirely. It was part of the reason why so many of his relationships ended. And it was because he liked to watch others instead. His fear of being watched, caused him to be aware of others at all times,and so he would position himself so that he could deduce conclusions on every person he met based on looks and body language alone.

 

For example the old man on the train was a regular. He would always rub together two coins in his pocket, and Hongbin liked thinking that he was a banker, but also a gambler. The man had a clean shaven head, and nice enough clothes, but he always had a bit of stubble and his eyes always seemed gloss over at times. His cheeks were thin and hollow, and Hongbin believed that if anyone could be a fish it would be that old man. Swimming in a sea full of treasure as he would then loose it.

 

The woman on the train was single mother, she cut her hair short so that she could focus on her son and Hongbin suspects her to be depressed. She has a lovely smile, especially when looking at her son, as if he is her whole world. Hongbin knows that the boy is, but sometimes the mother looks out the window with such a sadness in her eyes, with such a tired look he knows she’s hurt. 

 

And the little boy can see his mom is sad but he doesn’t know why. Hongbin watched how he looks at his shoes and picks at his toys quietly when he mother gets like that. He supposes that the boy blames his mom’s attitude on her job, all because he is too naive to know what sadness she has. 

The old man and the women with her child were Hongbin's favorite. Whenever he would be alone in his apartment, he would pretend he was them on the train. Whenever he was tired of being Hongbin he would pretend he was brave enough to gamble, or strong enough to drag a child to and from the city.

 

But because he played pretend so much he had lost a lot as well.

 

A long week, a last train, the regular customers. Hong bin began to feel at peace. But then he felt unsettled. As if a feeling of anxiety began to wash over him. He grabbed his briefcase and pulled it close to him, hugging it tightly as if to hide his discomfort. he was upset and he didn’t know the reason. It was like a sixth sense, a mysterious power was telling him of the next great tragedy. Hong bin’s mind began to race; A train crash? An earthquake? Will a shooting happen in another car?

 

But will it ever matter if I die? I have nothing to live for, the only thing had left…

 

And his imagination ceased thought. He calmed down. Nothing could happen to him, and even if it did, it wasn’t as if he hadn’t prayed for all those things to occur to him at some point. Everything was fine it was perfect this feeling doesn't matter it doesn't mean anything.

 

Now stopping at Dongdaemun.

 

The doors opened, sighing as if they have released a deep breath from holding everything in. A few people tripled into the train car. Their tired looks and shaking heads making more noise than nesscecary.

 

“Hey where are you taking me?”

 

Hongbin then froze. A cold sweat formed on his face. He knew that voice. He knew it too well. But it couldn’t be. Hongbin began to panic. He was still crouched down, clutching his bag for dear life, like a coward. But in the situation he considered that he was one. Thoughts poured into his head a mile a minute, as he listened in on their conversation.

 

“I told you its a surprise!”

 

“Wonshik-ah I’m too old for surprises, its Thursday I have work and you have practice.”

 

Noonononono it cant be-

 

“I know but  it'll be a quick surprise I promise!”

 

“It better be you punk.”

 

“It will be Hakyeon”

 

At that moment all the blood on Hongbin’s body froze. His hairs stood up on end and he peeked upward. Sitting right across him was Hakyeon. His ex-boyfriend. All the air around him turned colors, and at that moment Hakyeon looked towards Hongbin and for the first time in god knows how long their eyes met and the colors around them became deep red ambivalent lights, shooting in the sky, swallowing it whole. 

 

It had been eight months, twenty-seven days, and 2 hours since their eyes had been given the chance to eat up the other’s and they were blinded by the overwhelming color that they saw.

………

 

 

“Oh pigeon photography. Make sure to get a picture his little pigeon .”

 

Hongbin noticed the other mocking his art project. He didn’t really acknowledge the owner of the voice. He chose to take another photo of the pigeons before that flew away instead. After a moment he laughed and said,  “Of course pigeon photography is quite artistic you know.”

 

“Exquiste even.” The man giggled. His tone of voice was very cheery, even if Hongbin could tell he was being sarcastic.

 

“I just hope my art teacher will agree,” Hongbin muttered, changing position for another photo.

 

“I’m sure he will. The pigeons are beautiful after all.”

 

“Sure he will.”  Hongbin acknowledged the other man even if he knew that the project was waste. Sure the site was pretty but he needed to catch unaltered beauty in the most common of places. And for some reason pigeons came to mind first. He sighed. And began to take another picture.

 

Just then however he noticed the man run into the middle of site. Causing the pigeons to fly away. Despite the chaos around him, the man was smiling.

 

And Hongbin snapped a photo in the most perfect moment. Relaxed shoulders, elongated neck wrapped around it an oversized scarf. 

 

“The place is beautiful you know. Probably my favorite place in the world.” The man shuddered and exclaimed. His eyes twinkling with a new type of emotion Hongbin’s never seen before. Unconisously he took another photo, only that time the man noticed.

 

“A-ah Sorry I didn’t mean to! Was it okay that I did that I didn’t-“ Stammering Hongbin got up off the floor and ran towards the stranger. Preparing to delete the photos.

 

What he didn’t count on was for the man to start laughing. Hongbin froze. Enthralled by the others beauty. His laugh like little silver bells ringing, his smile was heaven blessed. Skin toned to match that of the earth, so smooth and sparkling in the sharp autumn wind. 

 

Slowly the stranger opened his eyes, and Hongbin fell for him. Then he opened his mouth, extended his hand and out came, “It’s okay you can keep it. Use it for your project or whatever. But I’d like credit if I’m included. I’m Hakyeon by the way. Cha Hakyeon.”

 

Hongbin stared at Hakyeon’s hand. Then looked at the other. Hongbin’s face flushed a bit as he then stammered, “I’m Hongbin. It’s nice to meet you.”

 

Gold. Cha Hakyeon was enshrouded by colors of warmth and gold, shining like the sun, like the father of earth. Beautiful enveloping gold. Rich and strong. Melting into the atmosphere. Giving off the impression that everything he’s every touched has turn fertile under his touch, that everything has cultivated and grown. That everything Hakyeon did gave off life.

 

And never had Hongbin felt so alive.

 

……..

 

 

“Hakyeon….” Hongbin muttered while standing aloof in his kitchen. Head and eyes turned towards the floor. Avoiding the storm that was Hakyeon.

 

“Hongbin look at me.” Hakyeon stopped right in front of Hongbin and continued, “Hongbin look at me. Look at me. Just look at me!”

 

Hakyeon grabbed Hongbin’s face and force the other at look at him. Hongbin was shocked. He never thought that Hakyeon would ever be able to touch a person, even a fly in such an, aggressive manner. But Hongbin knew that Hakyeon was struggling at be seen and heard.

 

Hakyeon looked at Hongbin, his eyes full of anguish and sadness. Hongbin could only imagine how void his looked in comparrisson. He felt Hakyeon’s hands slowly let go of his face, quivering. Hong bin knew he felt guilty.

 

“Hongbin-ah. I’m leaving. You’re becoming different. I love you. I mean I loved you but that’s all…you’ve been indifferent and I’m tired of trying. I can’t do it. I can’t hold you like you’re living. You’re clinging onto me and I can’t take it…Hongbin-ah I have to go.”

 

“Hakyeon..” Hongbin cried the others name, and he reached out to place his hands over the others. He wanted Hakyeon to be warm again, to be overflowing to be sparkling, to embrace him and give him life.

 

But Hakyeon let go of Hongbin’s hands. Slipping right through Hongbin’s fingers, as he looked Hongbin in the eyes and whispered, “I’m sorry Hongbin but I’m not what you need. I can’t do this. I can’t love you anymore than I already have. I’m sorry.” Hakyeon turned away and grabbed his bag, walking out the door, shutting it gently.

 

Hongbin stood there and watched. He watched Hakyeon leave, his head looking straight ahead, chin held high. Not a tear in his eye, leaving Hongbin in the middle of the kitchen floor. 

 

Too tired to cry, and too sad to stand Hongbin sank to the ground and folded himself into a ball. Feeling a coward for just standing and watching as Cha Hakyeon walked out his life. As Cha Hakyeon became tainted under his muddled palette. And as Cha Hakyeon left him in the dark, turned away from the sun, away from the light.

 

……

 

 

On the train, the exchanged look meant so much. If looks could speak then Hongbin would be writing a novel to Hakyeon in the heat of the moment. Hakyeon looked exposed, under the other’s stare, and Hongbin imagined him squirming. 

 

Memories fluttered through his mind. Morning kisses, afternoon hugs. The smell of summer sweat. Sticky skin. Cotton, stained sheets. Soft touches, rough hands. Fleeting laughter, lasting smiles. Warm moments. Reds and oranges and yellows. Blooming sunsets and rises.

 

Then came the blacks and pale greens. The yelling the shouts. Cold rooms, empty sheets. Linoleum floors, hot tears. Cowardly actions, walking away. Rough pushes, soft poundings. Empty moments. Grey and blues and purples. Healing bruises and old bandages.

 

Now here. In the white light of the train. A strange man. Handsome man. Lucky man. 

 

Good for you, Hakyeon. As if you never cried. So easy. So lucky.

 

Hakyeon couldn’t tear away his gaze. The man with him didn’t seem to mind. He looked anxious about something else. Preoccupied. If he only knew that his boyfriend was staring down his ex.

 

Time stopped but soon it came to be a moment to face reality. Hongbin stood up. His stop was coming soon. He noticed Hakyeon move his arm, just a bit. As if to call to him. But Hongbin stared straight ahead, above Hakyeon. Refusing to come to him, to go back to him. Maybe if it was a few months earlier. If Hakyeon never left him in the first place. Maybe if Hakyeon hadn’t hurt him. If Hakyeon hadn’t made him more numb. If Hakyeon had never come. If…

 

Then the train slowed down to a quiet stop. Walking quickly to exit the train, Hongbin made his way across the train. But before he left he made a small declaration.

 

“Congratulations”

 

Before Hakyeon could glance the look on Hongbin’s face the train doors locked themselves in place, and all he could manage was a glimpse at the lonely back of a man he once betrayed, a man he once broke, a man he once loved.