Leeteuk's POV

"Shut up Youngwoon. I'm ending the call. I'm tired."

"Hyung.."

I hate this conversation so much. I hate the ache in my chest. I hate the fact that tears were gathering in my eyes.

I had no words left for him. 

"I'm sorry," Youngwoon said when I didn't reply. His voice cracking as he whispered the words which was accompanied by a wave of emotions.

"I've heard that before." I spat back into the phone, the taste of betrayal lingering on my tongue. 

I hung up and threw my phone across my bed as I entered my room, not caring where it landed. 

It has been 2 days since it happened. For the second time.

2 days since we weren't allowed to be around Youngwoon, not that my schedule allowed me to break that rule. 

But I miss him so much.

Sitting on the edge of my bed, I buried my face in my hands as what happened in SM's office this morning replayed in my head for the nth time. 

 

"Jungsoo-ya. Super Camp in the U.S... is cancelled."

"What? What are you talking about? Why? Wasn't the dates and venue all sorted out already? Why all of a sudden-"

"We can't have just 4 members going all the way to the U.S. And going across the world to hold a concert is a huge thing. The company doesn't think.... You see.. what are people going to think if the rest of you continue holding such large scale activities while one of your members..."

".....You're right. Togetherness. If we don't advocate that now, the team is going to fall apart... I guess the members don't know yet? That's why you asked me to come alone?"

"Yeah. I don't know how to..."

"It's okay. I'll tell them. Anything else you have to tell me?"

"..........Take care of yourself."

 

My eyes opened, suddenly a lot more damp than it was previously. 

Fatigue seemed like such an insignificant feeling compared to the frustration, the anger,

the disappointment.

Why did he have to mess everything up, when things were starting to get better for him?

Why did he have to put himself back into the same situation, when he barely managed to escape more serious consequences during the first time it happened?

Just why?

I took a deep breath, trying to find composure. 

But I couldn't.

The frustration was too much to take, I've never felt more useless and I hate it.

I felt like I needed to punch something. And suddenly I was on my feet, throwing my fist at the wall. 

But all of a sudden, there was someone between my fist and the wall. And I couldn't stop my arm in time. 

My fist went straight into Heechul's chest, and he groaned and bent over in pain. 

"What the hell" was the first thing that came out of my mouth. "I'm so so sorry. Did it hurt?"

To my relief, Heechul managed a raspy laugh, and was apparently still capable of making fun of me. "There are better ways to break your hand, idiot."

"Wasn't planning to," I mumbled under my breath as i dropped myself onto the edge of my bed again. 

"Well, with that amount of strength, you would have. Whether you were planning to or not." 

I guess I must have hit pretty hard, since Heechul was still massaging his chest as he took my chair from my desk and settled down opposite me.

".......Were you looking for me?" I asked, changing the topic, because I knew he was right. 

 "I heard you on the phone when you walked pass my room. Just came to make sure you're oka-- to make sure you don't do anything stupid." He said as he checked for a bruise on his chest. "If a bruise appears on my perfect skin tomorrow I will kill you."

I chuckled, and let the upper half of my body fall back onto my bed as I stared up at the ceiling. 

"You wanna tell me what's up?" Heechul asked, and I could feel the cautiousness in his voice.

I smiled, appreciating the concern he was giving me. It feels good having someone who cares about you. And I know Heechul always did, and a small part of me wish that he always will.

We never deemed ourselves as best friends, our personalities clash and no other quarrel between 2 people is scarier than ours, the 83line's. Maybe cause we're the oldest, maybe cause we're both so strong headed, but all of us in SJ knows, the largest 'maybe', is because we're the pillars of the team. We both know that if we quarrel, we not only tear our friendship apart, but we also tear the team apart. 

Maybe that's why the both of us take the extra effort to understand each other. Because the stakes of not doing so is too high. 

And that's why, over the years, despite our contrasting personalities, we understand each other. Even though we may still disagree on certain things, we understand each other. Probably better than anyone else.

And we know that whenever something happens, we'll always have each other to rely on. 

There used to be 3 of us in this equation. While Heechul and I were always the pillars of Super Junior, Youngwoon.. 

Youngwoon was always there to help us. He was always there when I was tired and needed support. 

He proved his sincerity in changing, he was so genuinely guilty.

He was the one who understood me, the one who would notice the tiredness in my eyes, the one who would be the mediator between Heechul and I whenever we couldn't agree on something. 

I thought he would change for the better for good, I believed that he did, I trusted that he would never let us down again.

I really did.

"Heechul.." I sighed, closing my eyes as the tears threatened to fall. 

"Why must he let us down again... Why must he put us through this again... Why must he put me through this again..."

I heard Heechul let out a small sigh and I know he feels the same.

"I'm so ing mad at him," we both said together, making us both let out a little laugh. 

"I... I went to the office today. Our managers called me over." I sat up so that I could look at him as I speak.

"Go on," Heechul prompted, his eyes staring straight into mine.

"Super Camp.." I avoided his gaze. "Super Camp in the U.S. is cancelled."

Heechul clenched his fist tightly, but he kept his cool, his voice still calm.

"And their reason for doing so is?"

"To maintain our image. Our image of being one of the most bonded teams in the industry. It won't be nice for us to happily go across the world to meet fans and leave him to face everything alone."

Heechul's fist relaxed a little. 

"An image you work so hard to make true." He said as he dropped his eyes.

A sad smile formed on my face. "Do you think it came true? Do you think... the others can forgive him?" I looked up at him as he did the same. "Can you forgive him?"

"......He won't forgive himself."

"It doesn't matter if he doesn't. Maybe he shouldn't, so that he won't repeat his mistakes again. But Heechul.. can you? Will you?"

"......Not now. Looking at the mess he left behind, knowing that all the others who are in their rooms right now are worried about what is going to happen, looking at you Jungsoo, looking at you being buried alive in your schedules and yet you still have to deal with all these , no. I can't forgive him. For now. But I know Youngwoon. I know how much Super Junior means to him. I know how much we, especially you, mean to him. He can be impulsive, he doesn't think at times, that's what resulted in all this. I hate him for that. But.. he's still my friend. He's still a brother. And I'll always fight for him to remain as a fellow member, even if sacrifices have to be made."

The determination was strong in his voice, and I was so relieved to have sensed it.

Because I'm actually so so so so so afraid that Youngwoon might not come back.

I'm actually incredibly afraid of losing another member. 

"Thank you.." I said, incapable of finding another word. "At least I won't have to fight the battle alone if the company decides they want to..." My voice involuntarily cracked and I couldn't bear to say the possibility outloud. 

"Jungsoo." He started. "Yknow, the rest of the boys are going to be fine about it. If the company dares to mention removing Youngwoon from the team... It's not only me and you who will be against it. Have more faith in them." He punched me in the shoulder lightly and smiled.

"You really think so?" I looked down at my feet as I doubted the possibility of the rest standing up for Youngwoon after he disappointed us, again and again. 

"Jungsoo." Heechul said and paused, waiting for me to look up at him. "You have led the team for years. We have all seen you work your off for Super Junior, for us to remain together. I'm sure all of us learnt something. Even if we didn't learn something from you, we all felt it. Your dedication, your team spirit. And yknow, it spreads. When they get the news that Super Camp in the U.S. is cancelled, be prepared to witness the disappointment on their faces. Maybe even anger. But hey." Heechul left the chair and sat beside me on my bed, putting his arm around me as my tears started to fall.

"We're family. You made us a family, Jungsoo. Because of you, we learnt to never give up on each other, because we have seen how you have never given up on anyone of us."

I felt warmth emerging from the core of my heart as his words sank in. However, it all sounded too good to be true. Have I really managed to do so? Have I really managed to get all of them to see the rest of us as family? Or is it just Heechul, who has always been a sentimental person who values friendships?

"You don't believe me?" Heechul questioned.

"I believe you. But about the rest.. I don't know.. Will they really still defend him when he needs us to?" 

"Pass me your phone."

I looked at him and raised my eyebrows. He reached his hand out, asking for my phone despite my hesitance.

I looked around for it, not sure where it landed, until I caught a glimpse of it under my pillow at the other end of the bed.

I crawled over and took it before sliding it across the mattress to him. 

He typed something and handed it back to me.

If you are not asleep, which I believe most of you are not, come to Jungsoo's room. Now.

It was 4.10am.

And Heechul had just sent that in Super Junior's group chat. 

"Kim Heechul I haven't thought of how I'm going to break the news to-"

"What news?" Kyuhyun asked as he walked through the door, with Yesung and Ryeowook behind him. 

"I guess that's everyone." Heechul said and smiled at me so very widely. 

I should have punched him in his perfect teeth, I thought to myself as I stared at him.

"Jungsoo has news for us." He said. And although he hid it well, I could hear the nervousness in his voice. 

The three lead vocals looked at me expectantly.

"Guys.." I tried looking for words to make the news sound less disappointing, but it was hard since the news was nothing but disappointing. 

"Super Camp is cancelled. The shows in the U.S. are cancelled." 

There was dead silence. 

I could hear my clock ticking on the wall. 

No silence felt worse that this one.

"Why were we still able to carry on with Macau's show then?" Ryeowook asked, his voice cold as ice. 

"It was too late to change anything then. There was no time to make alternative arrangements. But now.. There's still another month till the shows in the U.S. And the company has hence made their decision. I'm.. I'm sorry."

"Why should you be sorry." Heechul snapped back.

"That's right hyung. You shouldn't be," Kyuhyun said.

"Maybe it's the right decision. We shouldn't leave Youngwoon here alone." Yesung said softly as he looked down at his feet, clearly disappointed, but his words struck me right in the heart, making it warm.

"Yesung hyung's right." Ryeowook agreed, as he walked behind Kyuhyun so as to stand beside Yesung and wrap an arm around the older's shoulder. 

Kyuhyun sighed before he looked up at Heechul and I, feigning brightness in his eyes. "We'll go together next time. It's alright. I'm still young, I've got plenty of chances. If you oldies are cool about it then there's no reason why I shouldn't be." He smiled cheekily.

Heechul smiled at me, but I was too surprised to react. 

"Aren't you guys... mad? At Youngwoon?"

"Oh hell yes we are." The 3 of them said in unision, which made them laugh together.

Heechul and I looked at each other and smiled. "This scene looks famililar," I whispered to him.

"I punched him in the face when the news came out, remember?" Yesung shook his head at the memory, a sad smile on his lips. "Can you imagine? Me? Punching Youngwoon? But I was really mad. I was so angry. But... I saw the guilt in his eyes. And all the anger melted into pain. Heartache."

"Kangin hyung messaged me that night." Ryeowook said.

"Hey he messaged me too!" Kyuhyun responded.

Heechul and I looked at each other, puzzled. "Why didn't Jungsoo and I get any? That bastard." Heechul said.

"He said in his message he couldn't face the both of you, knowing that you two had to go through so much to clean up the mess he made back then... He said he was sorry.. And that he would understand if we would never forgive him, ever again..." Ryeowook voice decreased to a soft whisper. 

"Idiot.." I murmured, as I felt a squeeze in my heart. 

"I told him to dream on though. Cause there was no way we were going to do that." Kyuhyun said, with a tinge of sadness, but full of hope.

The other 2 vocalists nodded, and I saw Heechul break into a smile beside me, with tears welled up in his eyes. 

"Thank you kids.. Thank you." I managed to say as I caught them altogether in a group hug. 

 

---

 

"Jungsoo," Heechul said as I closed the door to Ryeowook's room, he was the last one I had to lead back to his own room after the 5 of us talked till our K.R.Y all fell asleep, some on my bed, some on the floor.

"You should sleep." Heechul continued.

"Nah it's fine. I've only got 2 hours to my next schedule anyway."

Heechul stood in front of me, stopping me in my tracks. "Park Jungsoo. We need you yknow. Will you take care of yourself?"

The truth was that I know I'm not. I know I'm not taking care of myself. My body is failing me even though I tell myself to carry on working. But it just felt like I had to. If I do well, it will be reflected on my team right? Maybe if I work hard enough, things will change for the better.

And I'm desperate for it to change for the better.

"I do take care of myself. I'm good." I smiled, even though I didn't feel like I had enough energy left in me to smile. 

"You just went to the hospital and got a shot to get your voice back yesterday." Heechul said sternly, and I my lips and looked up at the ceiling in distress.

"Heechul.." I was surprised at how pained my voice sounded. I felt like a weakling, hearing the fatigue and pain in my voice. A voice that I would allow no one else other than Heechul to hear. "You know me. Just let me be. I'm better off over-working."

"You..." Heechul sighed, "come here."

He pulled me in for a hug and I, after being an energy giver in front of the camera for 14 hours that day, let myself find some comfort and absorb some energy from him.

"Please take care of yourself. I can't afford to watch you collapse. None of us can. The team needs you more than ever now." Heechul whispered in my ear. 

What I should have felt was stress, hearing those words come out from his mouth. But it was the truth, and I understood. 

"You too," I replied. "I need you. Take care of yourself too, don't let me go through this alone." 

He was the only one I could count on to keep us all together, to keep me together. And he knew. I'm grateful that he knew.

I'm grateful that he knows we aren't just SJ's pillars of support. 

"I'll never let you go through anything alone, my friend." 

We are also each others' pillars of support.