I walked in. Nobody turned around. After all, I wasn't late. People were still warming up.

I rolled and unrolled my book as I walked towards the aisle on the far left and sat down on the third row.

I let out a quiet sigh. It's just another recital. Nothing big. It just so happens that the past two recitals I completely messed up and now I'm known as the one pianist who went from 100 to 0 real quick. Nothing big.

I wasn't nervous. Yet.

"Anyone else need to play once before we begin?" She turned to me. "Would you like to play once?" I shook my head.

She laughed. I don't know why.

I turned to my left and met the church's stained glass. It depicted a man and a woman, and two more men above them. Musical notes floated around them, and multiple famous composer names filled the empty spaces. I've look at this glass so many times, for so many years.

"Well then, it seems as though everyone is here, and it is now time! Thank you everyone for coming..." I ignored the opening announcements and looked down at my book. Muczynski SEVEN. Nobody's heard of it, therefore nobody's played it. No matter how much I searched, there were no recordings on Youtube for me to listen to. I opened the cover. A big one glared right at me.

Not the right piece. I turned the page.

Two. Nope.

Three. I wish.

Four. Sure as hell am glad it's not this one.

Five. Bingo. A short piece, probably only about a minute long. It's not meant to be played alone.   

I looked through the piece and along as it played in my mind. After I finished, I looked at the program. I'm on the back of the page... My teacher always structures it by level. I guess I'm in the higher level category now... Although my performances haven't shown as  much 'advance'  as my pieces show. Ashamed of myself is an understatement.

Hmm... everyone's wearing summer formal clothes meanwhile I'm wearing my orchestra clothes... black in the middle of a sea of color eh? I eyed my black dress pants and shoes. It's not my fault I don't have clothes.

The little kids began the recital. I looked through the program more thoroughly. Everyone's playing Baroque pieces... I looked down at my book. A random CONTEMPORARY PIECE appeared out of nowhere! Do you wish to fight? I sighed. Of course. I always had to be the odd one out. Last recital everyone played romantic pieces and I was classical. The recital before that everyone played contemporary pieces and I played romantic.

I hate Baroque pieces. And my piano teacher knows. What a generation clash. I set aside the program. Applauds filled the room. Ah, one finished. I lightly clapped as well. I watched as the next person went up. Huh, it's a violist. People say God never makes mistakes but no one knows that God's only mistake was the viola. I chuckled quietly to myself as I texted my friend. He responded blandly. 'Duh. Everybody knows. You're not the only one.' I only wanted a simple 'lol'. Was that too much to ask for?

People these days take everything too seriously.

I looked ahead of me and saw nothing but little children sitting in the two rows in front. I sighed. I'm the oldest pianist and I'm not even that great. 

Suddenly my chest hurt. 

And then

And then...

And then I thought, Why am I so nervous? I looked back at my program. It was almost my turn. Why am I so nervous? I turned and looked at the stained glass. I looked at the lady fixing her husband's tie, and though they could not move, I saw it. I saw the lady scolding her husband for being so forgetful as she fixed his tie, I could hear the violinist above playing a grand Baroque piece, and I could see the composers' glare at my through their colored names. My heart calmed down. Why was I so nervous? I looked back down at my program. I'm next. I stood and I saw the lady in the glass smile and nod. 'You'll do well.' 

Suddenly I wasn't nervous anymore. Suddenly, I didn't care what the audience thought about me anymore. Because who cares? This is my performance. I can play it the way I want to. Suddenly, I didn't care that I was the only one playing a contemporary piece. Because you know what? It's better that I stand out. That way people get interested. People feel the urge to get to know me. 'Who is this brave child who decided to challenge Bach with Muczynski?' After all, no one can tell if you made a mistake in a contemporary piece. It's all dissonant either way.

I rest my hand on the piano and bowed. I heard the applause. As I stood back up, I gave the lady in the purple dress one more look. 'You'll do well.' I took a deep breath and sat down.

Ok, focus. How do you want this to sound? I decided, busy. Like it's 8 AM in New York City, in the subway. I lifted my hands.

And I started with a mistake. My heart started pouding again.

I didn't dare look up. Instead,

Instead I kept going. Because who cares? Nobody knows anyway. They'll all just think it was done on purpose. For a split second, I let my focus wander off to the lady in the glass. 'You're doing well.' After that, I didn't focus on anything else, but my fingers and the piano. And the subway in New York City at 8 AM.

I finished. 'That's it?' I could hear everyone's thoughts screaming at me as I stood up. I turned, and the first person I looked at was my piano teacher.

She knew.

She knew.

She was the only person who knew of all the mistakes I made.

So I laughed. I could hear the purple lady's melodious voice as she laughed with me.

I laughed as I bowed, I laughed as I walked down the aisle, and I laughed as I sat back down.

Why was I so nervous?  I turned to my left. 'Because you knew you would do well.' I smiled. I smiled like I never smiled before.

I smiled. It had been a long time since I felt so...

so...

Light. Feathery. Stressless. Great. 

Happy.

For once, I felt happy.

For the first time,

For the first time in forever, I felt genuinely happy.

I looked back at the church's stained glass before the last performer finished his Concerto.

Who knew this lifeless piece of colored glass could give me so much life?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

A/n

no, I did not actually see the lady in the purple dress actually talk to me. I'm not delusional.

I actually didn't think much of the stained glass that was next to me until I actually decided to write this story(which is based on my last piano recital) and Imma be honest, I did look at the glass a few times when I was feeling nervous.

Understatement. I looked at the a lot of times. Every time I felt my chest hurting (from my heart beating so hard) I looked at the glass, took a few deep breaths, and calmed myself down.

Now, this church that we were performing in, I've been here a lot. Not because I attend this Church, heck, I'm not even Christian(technically I'm Catholic but let's not go there I don't even go to church). Actually, when I was little I joined a youth orchestra and they always rehearsed in this church so, yes, I have been in this church multiple times and I always looked at the stained glass I looked at during the piano recital. I never thought much of it. There's a lot of other stained glasses in that room but for some reason I only ever did look at that specific one every single time.

Weird.

Well anyway, that specific glass doesn't really mean anything to me I just put it in here to make the story interesting.

Whale bye~

-K.o