“What are you doing? You can just leave any time you want, again, just like before, and leave me here alone again. But this is so important to me, Bin. I want to debut, I want to make it, I’ve been working so hard. All of us have. You need to try harder. You’re not the only one your performance affects. Don’t just brush me off when I try to help you with your dancing-”

Wonsik breaks off abruptly, throat constricting.

There is a stunned silence. Jaehwan looks with supreme apprehension between the two of them and very uncharacteristically, gets up without a word and quickly leaves the dorm’s bedroom like he should have the minute Wonsik had stalked in after Hongbin and grabbed his shoulder. Jaehwan closes the door behind him as if to contain the raw emotions spilling over the floor.

Wonsik swallows thickly. The words are out, finally, and it feels like this fight has been coming for a long time; but he hadn’t counted on the way his heart would break at the way Hongbin is looking at him right now.

“I’m not going to leave again,” Hongbin says, very steadily in a tight voice. “And Vixx means as much to me as it does to you. I’m not that ing selfish.”

Hongbin’s breaths are coming in a way that is obvious he’s trying to control himself very carefully – he’s never seen Hongbin cry in all the time they’ve been training together while Hongbin’s caught him crying for all sorts of reasons, so he doesn’t think it’s because Hongbin is fighting back tears. He must just be that angry; but the more Wonsik looks at him he becomes aware he’s wrong – he’s seen Hongbin mad and this isn’t it. This is worse than that.

With the realisation that the emotions showing on Hongbin’s face are hurt and betrayal and not defiance or anger comes instant and overwhelming regret. He wasn’t thinking about the words before he said them, but now all he wants is to go back in time to a minute ago and keep them in because he doesn’t think he can stand Hongbin looking at him like this any longer.

“I know I’m not good enough, okay? I know my dancing is terrible and I can’t sing and you’re right, I don’t try hard enough because no matter how much I practice I still can’t get it. I can’t make my body move like yours or Hakyeon hyung’s, and I am never, ever, going to be able to sing the way even Hyukkie can. Do you understand that? Do you know what that feels like?”

Wonsik can’t speak.

“I know the only reason I’m here is for my face. I know. But without me the rest of you would still do fine anyway.”

Hongbin makes as if to push past Wonsik and exit the room, his face red already with the humiliation of laying himself bare, but Wonsik grips his hand as he passes and holds on, not letting him leave.

Hongbin looks down at their joined hands and then up again at Wonsik’s face, confusion and embarrassment making him aggressive. “Let go.”

“No,” Wonsik answers, equally embarrassed. “Bin, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean to push you until you were uncomfortable – I didn’t know how you were feeling. And you’re wrong.”

Hongbin rolls his eyes and tugs at his hand insistently.

“We can’t do it without you.”

Hongbin stops and stares up at Wonsik in disbelief at how sentimental he sounds and Wonsik immediately wants to bury himself forever in the deepest underground cavern he can find, but he takes a deep breath and forces himself to continue.

“When you left,” Wonsik is looking everywhere but at Hongbin. “You know how many times I called and texted you. I was ready to go out and find you myself, but Hakyeon hyung didn’t let me.”

Wonsik doesn’t continue, and Hongbin slowly thinks of his earlier words - You can just leave any time you want, again, just like before, and leave me here alone again. Two months alone without Hongbin with no news of where he was or what he was doing or whether he would come back.

Hongbin watches Wonsik, watches the pink spread across his face under Hongbin’s scrutiny, and they both stand there silently hand-in-hand counting their heartbeats and listening to everything the two of them aren’t saying.

“I’m not going to leave again,” Hongbin repeats, voice softer now, and hopes Wonsik knows what he really means. I’m not going to leave you again.

Wonsik nods, trying to smile. “Vixx needs you.” I need you.

Something has shifted between them, and neither is upset anymore. Hongbin knows he should say something sincere about practising harder or asking for extra dance tutoring from Wonsik or Hakyeon, but instead he begins to joke, acting offended – the easiest way to gloss over emotions that are becoming too real for either one of them to confront right now.

“Hey, don’t you know not just anyone can hold my hand? You should ask for permission first. Or pay me for the honour. Do you know how many fans would be dying in future for this chance?”

Wonsik laughs and it’s beautiful to see, his deep, shy laugh a strict counterfoil to the angry emotions of just a few minutes ago. Hongbin unknowingly smiles along.

“Can I hold your hand, Hongbin oppa?” Wonsik giggles – pretending to be a fan, failing miserably at a falsetto voice, and Hongbin hits him for the ‘oppa’.

“Ten thousand won a second,” he says, entwining their fingers together properly while acting like it’s no big deal. “Ten thousand, twenty thousand, thirty thousand-”

“I’ll steal Taekwoon hyung’s money later to pay you,” Wonsik replies, holding on tight.

“Do you want to die?” Hongbin laughs incredulously, both of them knowing there is no way Wonsik would ever dare. More likely it’s Hakyeon hyung who’s going to get robbed, if anyone.

“Ah, enough of this,” Wonsik says, letting go of Hongbin’s hand, trying to be cool. The blush hasn’t left his face.

“I think that was a total of a hundred thousand won,” Hongbin muses.

“You’re not worth that much,” Wonsik scoffs, leading the way out of the room as Hongbin punches his arm.

Their fingers are still tingling.

*

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