“If we meet by chance… Have you been well? I’m good too. I want to greet you with a smile. I would like to meet your girlfriend too. I’ve been holding back, trying not to cry… but I’m fine now. It feels nice today…”

Your fingertips drummed against a large envelope in your lap. Thoughts swirled around your head, “Are you doing well? Are you still the same?”

Tears threatened to spill from your eyes as the memories came back. Today was your anniversary of your first meeting. 3 years ago today you had met the boy with dimples who had nearly fallen on you when the crowded train started abruptly. 3 years ago today since you both turned bright red when his hands instinctively reached to stop you from falling and getting hurt. 3 years ago today since you both exchanged names and separated shyly, both hoping to see the other again. Part of you wishes you hadn’t rushed to catch that train that day, but the other part was glad you did. That same part was glad you continued catching the same train and finally talking more often with the dimpled boy Hongbin as you waited at the station. 

‘You huffed as your body sped towards the station. Four minutes until the train and you were almost there. You could do this! Just a little farther and you’d be there and you could get to your destination on time and with time to spare. 

The station was in sight, seeing the station was so close now you sped up; your feet pounding against the cement. You quickly used your normal ticket to pass through the gates and you hurried to the platform. Just as you had reached the platform, the train was pulling in. The train doors soon opened, revealing how packed the morning train was. The few that were on the platform tried to shuffle in the already crowded train. The air was thick from the amount of people in the train. All of the handlebars and possible seats taken, making you have to try and hold your stance to not fall as the train pushed forward toward the next station.

The train soon became more and more crowded. When the train lurched forward or halted to a stop you tried to be so careful, the cramped carriage making it difficult. The train continued forward a few more stations before starting up again when more passengers got in. You were pushed not only by the train but by other passengers also falling forward suddenly. You closed your eyes and waited to be crushed beneath several other people, but two arms wrapped quickly around your waist as they fell also. The strength in the stranger’s arms and their quick reflexes was enough to keep you both upright. You turned to thank the stranger, but all of the breath in your body felt like it was knocked out of you. Any thought or any words of thanks suddenly vanished as you blushed deeply and smiled sheepishly up at the handsome stranger.

You snapped yourself out of your daze, bowing your head and thanking him shyly. You noticed then that his arms were still around you, this did not help the shade and heat of your cheeks at all. He must have realised this as well as his arms quickly moved back to his sides. A dimpled grin made it’s way to his face.

“You’re welcome, sorry I nearly fell on you”, he smiled again and you felt weak. “I’m Hongbin”, he offered his hand towards you.

You ignored the fluttering feeling in your stomach and in your chest, giving him your name.

“_____”, you replied softly, taking his larger hand in yours and shaking it.’

You shook your head at the memories, wiping the tears from your eyes. You always got like this around this time.

“It’s just because I’m alone and I feeling moody”, you told yourself.  “It is okay not to be 100% over your first love. A lot of people struggle to forget their first love until some time passes or they find another,” you thought. Nodding your head, you stood up and looked down the platform. The train was coming. Good, today was the day, you were finally going to get over this. You’d spent enough time in a dark room crying over him.

Stepping into the train you hurried to take a seat. You took a seat next to the window so your mind could wander as you looked at the scenery passing. Today was the last time you’d think of him. He left you without seeing you first, a single letter and that was all. Your hands once again tapped the envelope, containing memories of him. You carefully took out his last letter and remembered why you were doing this.

‘You had received a call from your boyfriend in the morning, “Can we meet? I need to talk to you urgently.” You had agreed quickly, not wanting to miss the chance to be with your boyfriend. He hung up before you could say anything else. A nervous feeling sank to your stomach.

Later that night you had met with your boyfriend at a cafe. The first thing you noticed was how red his eyes were. He looked like he had been crying. You shook your head, you shouldn’t pry, he’d tell you if he wanted to.  Maybe he was tired. The second thing you noticed was how tightly he hugged you. You shook off the weird feeling and tried to enjoy your date.

After eating and drinking coffee together while making some light conversation, you both left the cafe. You thanked the owner as you left. It was a nice autumn night, the crisp air was cool but refreshing after being in the warm cafe. Hongbin grabbed your hand tightly as you walked. You threaded your fingers with his, squeezing his hand lightly.

You looked up at your boyfriend, “Oppa, thank you for tonight. I had a really nice time with you”, you murmured.

Looking into his eyes you noticed how red they were. “Oh, are you okay? Did the wind blow something into your eyes?” You asked worriedly.

His eyes grew more and more puffy as you continued asking him questions. He shook his head calmly and told you not to worry in a shaky voice.

Something felt off.

He had walked you all the way to your front door. This was a normal thing for your dates. You had told him right off from your first date that there was no need. But, Hongbin had told you it wasn’t safe at night and that he liked to make sure you got in safely. Always the gentleman your boyfriend.

“Thank you for walking me home, Hongbin Oppa”, you smiled softly at him. He pulled you in tightly for a hug. His arms tightening against your small frame. He held you for a few moments before taking your hand in his. He squeezed your hand tightly again and handed you an envelope. 

“Goodnight ____ -ah” He turned and left you quickly, not giving you enough time to see what he had written or even enough time to react.

You headed inside, taking off your coat and sitting on your couch before opening his letter.

“____,

I can’t, I’m sorry.

It’s just not working.

Let’s break up.

I have to follow my dream. I will only ruin your heart more if we continue. I want to be an idol someday and there are many restrictions and obstacles. Our relationship would only be hurt worse. Maybe we were only meant to be until here.

Live well.

- Hongbin”

Your heart shattered. The only person you had ever truly loved, just threw your relationship away like it was nothing. He couldn’t even tell you face to face. He had to write a letter. Your tears poured out as your heart beat painfully. How could he? No, no, no. This had to be some joke.

You ran out towards your front door, swinging it open. He couldn’t have gotten too far. He’d be walking and he couldn’t have ran that quickly right? You ran, ignoring the fact that you were shoeless and coatless on a cool Autumn night. You followed the way he went crazily. You had to talk this out. You wanted him to live his dreams but there had to be another way. You could see a figure in the distance that resembled your boyfriend… Well ex now. You tried to yell out to him but the cold wind swept your voice from you, a choked pained noise replacing your words.

The figure turned briefly before, walking faster toward the direction they were heading and disappearing into the night.

The cold and the pain making you fall to the ground with tears streaming.

“Hongbin…”, you whispered. 

Your body shook with sobs and from the cold air. He was gone, he had left. You had to let him go.’

You nodded once again to yourself you had to do this, remove him and all the happy and painful memories from your heart. You were done with nights and nights of crying. This was the right thing to do, you knew it wouldn’t work even if you met again. He was an idol, he was supposedly dating another idol. A pretty girl with long hair, you couldn’t remember her name and you didn’t want to. It hurt your heart too much.

Even if you knew deep down it wouldn’t work, you did hope to see him again. There were words pent up inside for so long that you wanted to say.

“I waited and waited for you, I really hate you so much”

But, today you’d let it all go. Maybe this was all  a bit too much and a bit silly and similar to a scene in a drama. You were heading to the spot of your first date, to burn the lasting memories. His first confession written on a napkin from your fifth date at the cafe, stuffed animals he’d bought for you, polaroids and sticker photos of you two together, letters he had written to you to let you know about his feelings and his last letter. If it would give you some closure you were happy to be a stereotypical ex girlfriend. 3 years was a long time but a first love lasts a long time when you only have them in your heart and when they appear on the tv and radio a lot.

You looked through your box one more time, before closing the lid. Your stop was the next one on the trains line and you were ready.

You didn’t think that being here would affect you so much. The weather was nice and the wind was refreshing, but it reminded you of him. The late night walks down the beach, the silent “I love you’s” beneath the moonlight, the playfulness and innocence of your dates, all of it. You missed him, being here reminded you of that.

Part of you hoped he had found someone good and that he was happy and that he’d forgotten you, happily living his dream. But, the other part of you missed him so much. You knew though, no matter how much you wished he wasn’t coming back. The figure walking away that night reminded you of that.

But Who knows maybe you’d meet someone new in the future, but right now you were alone on a beach. You shifted through the box, sitting in the sand. You tore through his last letter, tearing it to pieces. Angry tears made their way down your face.

“Lee Hongbin, you jerk!” you yelled to no-one in particular. You received a few weird looks but you ignored them, looking back at the box.

You just couldn’t bring yourself to do it, not yet. You sat for a while trying to convince yourself to destroy all the evidence of Lee Hongbin and you together, but something held you back. Your thoughts making you want to back out again.

“But still, if I wait for you, if I keep longing for you. Maybe you’ll look at me once more, so I wait for you,” you knew it was ridiculous. He was an idol and you couldn’t be with him again.

You decided to get some liquid courage into you, that’d help you do what you had to.

The afternoon came around and you’d felt better after your bottle of soju. You’d stepped out of the restaurant.

You hurried onto the beach, there were only a few people on the beach. A big tent a little further down. You shrugged, ignoring its sudden appearance.

Now or never.

You flicked open the lighter and lit up one of his love letters. You watched the bright orange flame engulf his words, his feelings and you smiled to yourself. You were doing the right thing. You continued doing this to most of the items in the box.

You rifled through your pocket and picked up the next thing, a photo of you and Hongbin. You rubbed your thumb over it briefly, looking at the happiness contained in the photo.

“The road we walked together, the story of you and me, the time we spent together, but now it’s worse. I promised, I thought I’d be fine, but… I miss you a lot today” you spoke softly to the photo. You were ready now. The last photo you had left.

You flicked the lighter once more, holding it close to the bottom of the photo.

“Yah! If you feel that way then what do you think you’re doing?” A deep voice startled you, nearly making you burn your hand.

You turned towards the voice and nearly fainted at who you saw behind you.