He knew of the cold world at a young age.

He was never an emotional child.

He always kept to himself.

Those are the descriptions you usually receive while reading some fan fiction. Those are the typical descriptions you always see. Those are the types of characters I see all time as well.

Whenever I read any stories or books with a character like that, I always wonder, I wonder what it would've been like if I grew up with that personality. Because in the end, the cold, quiet character gives off a 'cool' vibe to the reader. It was the same for me, as I am human as well.

Sometimes, at the randomest times, I think, I wonder if this would still happen to me if I grew up with that character. Because usually, I'm receiving another 10 hour lecture from my parents about my grades when these thoughts pop back into my head.

I wonder what if would've been like to grow up being bullied. Bullying is never a good thing, but everyone's always saying 'you never really know the pain unless you've dealt it yourself'. Coincidentally, the 'cold type characters' all seem to have been bullied in some way as they grew.

Domestic violence is illegal. But sometimes I catch myself thinking, I wonder what it would have been like if my mother constantly abused me. I'd probably go straight to the police. But, at the same time, I believe I wouldn't. Some of the cold characters I wish I was tend to be involved in domestic violence.

How do those children even know of 'the cold world' at 'such a young age' anyway? How old is 'young' anyway? You can't just answer that with a specific number. The number to that question always changes. When you're 6 years old, 2 year old toddlers may be young. When you're 14 years old, 'little' 12 year olds may seem young. To 27 year olds, 14 may seem young. And to 80 year olds, 45 may seem young. There's no definite answer to that question. There never is. There never will be. Because it's always depending on the person. So what age do people mean when they say 'he had already figured out the real world at a young age'? I wonder. But I also wonder what it would've been like if I knew what the real world was like at a 'young' age... whatever age that would be.

Emotionless? How could one ever be emotionless? Unless you're a psychopath, I wouldn't think it'd be possible to be emotionless. Even psychopaths have emotion. So I wonder, what would it have been like to grow up with no emotion?

'He never cared about what others thought about him.' How could one possibly not care about his surroundings? Even the greediest rich man occasionally donates to charity because of what other civilians may say about him. It's easy to claim that you don't care about your surroundings. But it's not that easy to remotely not pay any attention to what people think about you. Because even the most stubborn men fall in love.

What's it like be emotionless? What's it like to be able to ignore everything? What's it like to have grown up in a violent household? What's it like to learn of the real world at a young age? What's it like to have been bullied? What's it like to have that kind of quiet, seemingly cold, hard to approach personality? What's it like to manage to stay attractive with all these other characteristics behind?

I wouldn't know. 

Would I?

I grew up in an Asian household. My parents are Korean. My grandparents are Korean. I'm Korean. Every time I did something wrong, my mother hit me. Multiple times. To the point where I flinch every time she moves. I grew up in America, and my mother liked to name her kids the same name as their Korean name. Unfortunately, I was given a seperate American name. I was made fun of because of my 'unusual' name. People made ual references to my name. Students cussed at me. Classmates pushed me around. Ignorant beings called me Chinese, no matter how many times I corrected them. I gave up eventually. I never really gave it much thought. I never really thought about what others think about me. I never had friends, so I never had to think about what others think about me. Because of my older sister, who's smart academically, all my teachers hated me. Me being only two years younger than her, had the disadvantage of having the same teachers she did. Me, being more skilled in sports, my academic skills were not that great. The teachers always pointed me out, always picked on me, always made me stay in lunch for no reason. Always failed me for no reason. But, I just let it slide because I thought, there are people like these everywhere. If I can't deal with it now, then I'll never be able to deal with it. And because I never had friends, I never talked to anyone. No one came talking to me. Occasionally a few upperclassmen would come to me as compliment me on my looks. I was always fit because of sports, but I never really focused on my body. Or anyone else's.

I guess I would know. I guess I would know what it would be like to grow up with domestic violence. I guess I would know what it would be like to be bullied. After all, I was bullied throughout my entire student career. Even my teachers bullied me. I guess I would know what it would be like to learn about the real world at a young age. I guess I would know what it would be like to have a kind of quiet, seemingly cold, hard to approach personality. I guess I would know what it would be like to be emotionless. And I guess I would know what it would be like to manage to be attractive with all these things behind.

I guess I'm the one kid everyone wishes they were.

A/n:

this is all fact. autobiography? I guess.

-K.o