Jinki and Jonghyun broke up the summer of sophomore year, after a whirlwind of romance and emotion their first year at university. Unfortunately, that meant they were still signed up to be roommates the coming year.

 

Jonghyun tried and tried to email their school and say that they’ll room with anyone else, and he got nothing back except sorry and everything is already set in place nothing can be done, sweetie. God, she even said sweetie if just to piss Jonghyun off even more.

 

So, Jonghyun had to awkwardly text his ex-boyfriend that he had no luck and that they’d be seeing each other in the rapidly approaching fall.

 

When that fated day finally came, Jonghyun pleaded to his mom to wait until at least the afternoon to load all of his stuff in, but his mother insisted that she had to get to her cooking class by two o’clock and that the teacher would be very angry with her if she was late again.

 

So, not being one to ever argue with his mom, Jonghyun gave in.

 

But as he looked up from putting his spider man blanket over his bed to find his ex smiling up at him, he really regreted not putting up more of a fight.

 

“Hi, Jinki” he said a bit too weakly scratching the back of his head nervously.

 

He couldn’t help but think how tan Jinki had become in the six weeks since they’d last spoken. Perhaps it was just the tight white t-shirt Jinki was wearing that made him look so much darker, although that didn’t really help much either.

 

“Hey, Jonghyun!” Jinki said with that sunshine smile of his “Do you need any help unpacking? ‘Cause I finished an hour ago.”

 

“Oh no Jinki that-that’s fine. I’m almost done too. You should go catch up with friends” And stop god damn smiling at me he didn’t add.

 

And with that Jinki left with a simple See ya later leaving Jonghyun to fall back on his bed and close his eyes in peace. God, he really hadn’t realized how painful it would be to see Jinki again.

 

Jonghyun was an emotional guy, and he needed well over a month and a half to fully get over a relationship as seriously as he took his and Jinki’s. He needed at least two months of no contact and ice cream movie nights with his mom and sister before he could even think about talking with Jinki again.

 

Now here he was, spending the next academic year with someone he still wasn’t totally over, but who was almost definitely over him. Jinki had always been like that; he could come to terms with any given situation and make the best of it, which is probably why he had been so okay with their living situation this year.

 

“Jonghyun? Dear, are you all unpacked? I was just about to get going.” His mother said quietly, before she saw the position her son was in, “Oh sweetie are you alright? What’s wrong?”

 

Jonghyun hadn’t told his mother about Jinki yet, even though he knew his mother would give him endless support, he really wanted to do this on his own. He was determined to handle this like an adult and not come running to his mom like usual.

 

“Yeah mom, I’m fine, but kinda wish school didn’t have to start so soon. I haven’t finished rereading Deathly Hallows yet…” It was a lie, he’d finished it last week in an attempt to escape his sorrows.

 

“Well sweetie that can give you something to do on some quiet nights here, okay?”

 

“Okay mom. Anyways I just have to finished unpacking all of my clothes, so you can go to your cooking class now” He said trying to form a smile, even though it just wouldn’t come.

 

“Alright dear, but if you need anything you know I’m always here for you”

 

“Of course, mom” He said pulling her in for a tight hug, “Now go learn how to make homemade pasta so I can have some for thanksgiving break” He kissed the top of her head and waved goodbye.

 

“Goodbye honey I love you!”

 

“Love you too”

Later that night Jinki came back looking shockingly sober, as he greeted Jonghyun who was on his bed watching Attack on Titan on his laptop.

 

Jonghyun simply waved; assuming Jinki was tired and wanted to get some rest before classes started already knowing his schedule was packed to the brim.

 

“Um, Jonghyun can we talk?” Jinki said in his low deep serious voice.

 

“Yeah, sure” Jonghyun replied, hoping he’d be able to get through the conversation without tearing up. Thankfully, it was dark out and they only had a small lamp on for light, so he couldn’t even make out Jinki’s face that well. He hoped Jinki wouldn’t be able to see his nervous eyes and twiddling fingers.

 

“So, I know this arrangement is not ideal, but since we can’t do anything about it, I’d figured we should make some rules”

 

Rules? Okay rules made sense. Rules would make sure no one’s feelings got more hurt than necessary.

 

“That sounds like a good idea” Jonghyun said while nodding probably a bit too enthusiastically.

 

“Firstly, we’re not allowed to bring anyone in here”

 

“Huh?”

 

“You know like, if you’re dating someone and…” Jinki awkwardly trailed off.

 

“Oh right! Right yeah I agree” It was funny, because that thought had never even slipped Jonghyun’s mind, and now that it had he knew he would have a lot more to cry over later.

 

“Also, no talking about relationship stuff…that’s just weird”

 

“Yep that would be weird” Jonghyun says making an obviously forced chuckle.

 

“Lastly, no drinking together. That just sets us up for problems”

 

“Don’t worry, I’m not drinking anymore. My sister made me watch a three-hour long documentary on the dangers of college drinking, and now I fear for my life.”

 

“Wow, okay then. How long since you’ve gotten drunk?”

 

“I don’t know, maybe like a month?” He’d gotten so wasted after their break up, just to blur out all his tears. But when his sister found him on his bed surround by beer cans and tissues, she knew something wasn’t right. Hence, the documentary, but also lots of hugs and snuggles .

 

“Well, I hope you keep it up. Drinking is the worst”

 

After that, Jonghyun didn’t really know what to say, despite knowing fully well if they were still together this conversation would be flowing so much more naturally and that they would’ve already been making out by now. The thought made Jonghyun glance up at Jinki’s lips; they were so plump and round and pink and…God he missed them.

 

“So, do you have any rules you wanna implement?” Oh Jinki, always saying such fancy words like implement in casual conversation.

 

“Umm…not really? I don’t know this isn’t really the kind of thing you face everyday”

 

“I know, but we’re going to have to”

 

“Right…” He twiddled his thumbs some more, messing around with his thumb ring “Well you should probably go to bed”

 

“Aren’t you going to?”

 

“Nah I’m gonna watch a few more episodes or something” He said gesturing to his laptop which had now gone black.

 

“K goodnight then”

 

“Night”

 

And with that Jonghyun put back in his earphones and tried his best to keep his eyes from glancing to the right.

 

 

Later that night Jonghyun dreamt of his break up with Jinki. Except this time it was worse. It wasn’t his gentle Jinki sitting him down on a bench at a park telling him they weren’t right for each other. This time, Jonghyun was up on stage in front of their entire school, and Jinki was yelling into the microphone how unworthy he was of him and how he couldn’t believe they’d ever even gotten together viciously while everyone in the audience threw tomatoes at him ferociously. He shook and shook and eventually fell on the ground and cradled his head to protect himself from the harsh words.  

 

And that’s when he woke up at four am crying and shaking slightly. He turned to his side, and thanked the gods that Jinki hadn’t woken up, because he really would not know what to say.    

 

He decided to go wash his face in the bathroom. Once he arrived at the already smelly restroom, he splashed some water on himself and turned to face his reflection in the mirror. He took a few deep inhales and exhales and forced himself to make the largest grin on the planet. He had to admit the trick always made him feel at least a little bit better when ty nightmares like this happened.

 

He knew it was irrational. Jinki didn’t think he was unworthy of him. That’s obviously not why he’d broken up with him. They were just too different and he said he didn’t know how he could continue with their relationship anymore. It was all so vague, but Jonghyun hadn’t asked anything. Not one question left his mouth, just a mere I understand before he left. Something he’d regreted ever since. He really needed to sort this out, because he hadn’t gotten a peaceful night of sleep since that destined day and his insomnia was now full blown.

 

Jonghyun returned to their dorm quietly pattering his feet across the wooden floors and slipping back into his tiny bed. Already knowing he couldn’t go back to sleep, he took his notebook out from his bedside table, and opened it up to see if he could finish that song he had started last week. It was unsurprisingly a depressing ballad about the break up. Fortunately, Jonghyun’s unchecked emotions at that moment were great for song writing, as the lyrics seemed to flow so easily out of his head.

 

Before he knew it, the sun had risen and so had Jinki as his blaring alarm beeped throughout the small room.  Being Jinki, he hit snooze approximately eight times, before Jonghyun couldn’t take it anymore and pranced over to his bed and said “Jinki please just get up, I am not listening to that annoying beep one more time” and so Jinki groaned a few times before finally sitting up and stretching, only to give Jonghyun a wonderful sight of his happy trail.

 

Jonghyun couldn’t help but blush at the intimate thoughts that entered his mind. The times they’d stayed up all night just to engage in each other’s wildest fantasies…and wow he should not have been thinking about that right then and so Jonghyun hastily turned around and got back to his notebook.

 

“What’re you working on?” Jinki asked mid-yawn.

 

“A song.”

 

“Oh, nice” He said before yawning again. “Hey did you ever get into that advanced music theory class you wanted?”

 

“No.” God Jinki why did he have to bring that up. It just made him look like an even bigger loser than he already was.

 

“Sorry about that Jonghyun. I know how much you wanted it”

 

“Yeah well I needed a recommendation from Professor Scriddenbourg and he pretty much wants me to die in a hole so”

 

“Really my friend Gwiboon said he was like her favorite”

 

“Well I truly envy her” Jonghyun chuckled oh so uncomfortably “How about you? Did you win that essay writing competition?”

 

“I got third place”

 

“Really wow that’s great!” Jonghyun knew how much effort Jinki put into that essay. Come to think of it he didn’t even know what it was about, just that it meant a lot to Jinki.

 

“Hey what was it about anyway?”

 

“What was what about?”

 

“The essay”

 

“Oh, it was a time in our life that we felt like a role model”

 

“What’d you say then?”

 

“Something about being an older brother to Tae”

 

“That’s sweet” Jonghyun glanced at the clock, and quickly realized that he had a class to get to in twenty minutes.

 

“Oh shoot I have class, I’ll talk to you later” He said while rushing out the door not even caring that he was going to wear his pajama’s on the first day of class.

 

 

 

 

A few hours later, Jonghyun walked back to the dorm from the dining hall. He heard a familiar laugh that rang a bit too loudly in his ears. He turned his head only to see Jinki shirtless and playing football with some of his friends in the quad. And did Jonghyun enjoy what he saw. In that moment he couldn’t care less that Jinki was his ex, because right then he was a hot piece of running across the grass with his sweat-clad hair and toned arms. Jonghyun was flat out staring at Jinki’s ripped back muscles when he turned around to high-five someone. After probably a full five minutes Jonghyun actually comprehended what he was doing and speedily walked back to his dorm.

 

As much as he hated to admit it, seeing Jinki like that brought back even more intimate memories; their first time together, their anniversary, that time they’d met up on Christmas break because they just had to see each other…

 

As his mind was flooded with these thoughts, Jonghyun really couldn’t help it when he felt his hand slip lower and lower, until he could feel his hard-on from over his boxers. He slowly started rubbing himself up and down thinking about how ing good Jinki felt inside of him and how – and with that Jinki opened up the door and walked right in cheerily saying “Hi, Jonghyun! It’s really nice out today isn’t it?”

 

Jonghyun flinched his hand off of himself before waving to Jinki only to realize what his hand had just been doing not two seconds earlier.

 

“Yeah it’s like the perfect temperature” He said not being able to control how breathy he sounded.

 

Luckily Jinki didn’t seem to notice anything off, or if he did he completely ignored it.

 

“I’m gonna go shower before I stink up this entire room with my sweat” Jinki laughed, and Jonghyun tried to as well, but he couldn’t help his mind from thinking how nice Jinki looked all hot and sweaty.

 

 

 

When Jonghyun heard the door open again ten minutes later, he immediately opened up his laptop and instinctively checked his email just so he would have something to look at other than his ex-boyfriend.

 

“So how’s your first week of classes been?” Jinki asked clearly trying to strike up some friendly conversation, when in fact Jonghyun needed just about the opposite in order to feel like he could at least get his heart rate down to normal levels again.

 

“I like most of my teachers so far I guess. None of them seem to hate me yet” He said forcing himself to look at Jinki as he spoke.

 

“Well that’s always good. Same for me, everything’s been pretty good so far”

 

Except for this Jonghyun almost blurted out.

 

“So Jonghyun…” Oh no, not another Hey Jonghyun, I think we should talk. Jonghyun had had way too many of those the past few weeks.

 

 

“I think we should talk” Well .

“Okay Jinki, let’s talk” Jonghyun all but lamented.

 

“I can tell we’re both pretty uncomfortable with rooming together. Especially so soon after our break up, so I just thought it would be a good idea to talk it out a little bit. You know, just uplift that awkward barrier we have right now and just let some things out?”

 

“That sounds really nice” Jonghyun said before he knew it.

 

“Okay.” Jinki said while getting up and walking across the room to sit next to Jonghyun.

 

And before any type of silence fell between them, Jonghyun abruptly asked, “Okay seriously Jinki, why did you break up with me? You’ve really never given me a solid answer, and I think –no, I know I deserve that. We were together for a whole year, and maybe that’s nothing to you but to me-“

 

“Jonghyun, it’s okay I understand. It’s a long time to me too. The reason I didn’t give you a clear answer is because, I don’t really have one?”

 

“Jinki, please just be honest with me” Jonghyun could start to feel the water prickle he eyes, so he quickly looked away and got a drink from his water bottle sitting next to him.

 

“Okay. I’ve never really said this out loud, but God, I think I was just scared Jong”

 

“Scared? Of me?”

 

“No no no, nothing like that,” he whispered lightly putting his hand on top of Jonghyun’s in a comforting gesture, “I’ve just always been so ing worried about commitment. I knew I was getting in over my head when I asked you to be my boyfriend but you’re just so perfect and I couldn’t stop myself”

 

“But, like why? I mean I still don’t understand why you couldn’t have talked to me about this. Is there more? Do you not think we’re right for each other?”

 

“I-I, I don’t know Jong. I think that I kind of forced myself into believing that was true, that we weren’t right for each other. But when I think about it now, I really don’t know how that could be the truth.”

 

“Jinki, what the hell? Did you not think about who you were hurting when you broke up with me? Did it really not occur to you to think about how I might react to you saying those things, because the Jinki I know puts the people he cares about first” Jonghyun wasn’t mad exactly just frustrated. Jinki still wasn’t giving him straight answers.

 

“Jonghyun of course I did” and Jonghyun thought he really meant it with they way he looked him right in the eyes, which seemed to be almost pleading with how intensely they were looking at him.

 

“I knew my limits as a person. I thought I was too young to have a serious relationship”

 

“Jinki, I’m being completely honest when I say that’s bull.”

 

“I don’t think you understand…”

 

“Jinki, then try to help me understand. Because it really makes no sense to me why you could just be dating someone happily for a year and then just…decide it was all too much? It’s not like I asked you to adopt a child with me or anything, Jinki.”

 

“Yeah okay, Jonghyun you’re right. This just feels so ing pathetic, I don’t wanna say it out loud.”

 

“Jinki please tell me”

 

“It was my parents Jonghyun. They’ve just always had such a strong say in my life. And when I say strong I mean they picked my college and my major, which is all well and fine because I was happy. Until they asked if I was seeing anyone, and of course I told them since they’d probably slit my throat if I’d lied, but also because I wanted them to know I was in love. And well…God I’m sorry Jong but they didn’t approve of you. They said all the stupid about art not being serious- which I do not agree with by the way- and at first I was like them I’m in love and that’s all that matters. But when I went back home to see them they started lecturing me on and on and at some point it just got into my head that it was better to just shut up and listen to my parents than be with –“ and by that point Jinki was crying, and not just a couple tears crying no- actual sobbing. Jonghyun was so shocked because he did not expect that, and also he had never actually seen Jinki cry. He was always the comforted, not the comforter so all he could think to do was pull him into a hug and rub his back like Jinki always did to him.

 

He wanted to tell Jinki it was okay- he really did. But he didn’t think he could do it. Everything about that story just generally hurt his feelings: the parents disapproving of him and Jinki actually caring about that. It was all too much, and Jonghyun just didn’t know what to say.

 

Once Jinki had calmed down a bit and was just sniffling a bit, Jonghyun asked “Jinki, are you happy with your decision?” well perhaps happy wasn’t the right word, since he clearly wasn’t, but Jonghyun wanted to know if he thought he made the right choice, so he asked Jinki that too.

 

“Of course not Jonghyun. I know I’ve been hiding it kind of well, but I’m still really pained from that break up. I regret it constantly, honestly you have no idea.”

 

“Then why didn’t you say anything? You’ve had plenty of chances to”

 

“I think I’d just figured you’d hate my guts for what I’d done. That you wouldn’t even be able to reckon the thought of us getting back together.”

 

“That’s not entirely true…I mean I can give it a thought”

 

“You think?” Jinki whispered. They were holding hands now, Jonghyun didn’t know when it had started but he did enjoy the feeling of Jinki’s soft hands in his.

 

“Yeah, Jinki. Not right away obviously. Maybe we can let things ease back to how they were before trying anything again? I mean we still have a lot to sort out”

 

“So you’re saying there’s a chance?”

 

“I am.” And before Jonghyun knew it, tears were falling from his face slowly. Jinki instinctively wiped them off gently with his fingers before placing a chaste kiss under his eyes.

 

“Don’t cry Jong. Not over me. Not anymore” He cooed placing his hands once again in own.

 

“I’ll try” He laughed lightly. A comfortable silence had fallen between them as Jonghyun realized how tired he had become, making him yawn loudly and cease the silence.

 

“We should go to bed okay?”

 

“You’re right”

 

“I know you said you wanted to ease back into things, but is it okay if we sleep in the same bed tonight? I think we could both use some cuddles”

 

“Hmm I guess that would be okay, considering we never made a rule about sleeping together”
 

“Although we have just broken on imperative rule”

 

“Which one?”

 

“Don’t talk about relationships.”