“Why is life unfair?”

“Nothing is ever fair in this superficial world, Chaeng.”

“Why does it have to be me out of all people in the world?” You shut your eyes close, with your hands fidgeting on the side.

“It’s not just you who is hurting, Chaeyoung. If only you’d open your eyes, you will realize how other people have more problems than you do.”

“I’m pathetic.”

“Don’t say that. You are certainly not pathetic.” I started to reach out my hand to pat you on the shoulder, but I quickly retracted it as soon as you moved farther away from me.

I sighed for the millionth time that day.

Chaeyoung, you are as stubborn as a boulder sitting quietly by the mountain side. No matter how much positivity I whispered upon your ears, your life, you would dismiss it every single time. It was frustrating to say the least, every efforts I have done were masked by the quiet zephyrs of the wind.

However, I will never give up. One day you, Chaeyoung, will somehow try and hear my voice – the words that I truly meant for you.

I remember the times when we both stood in front of the ocean. You screamed your heart out, you bent out your frustrations against the innocent ocean, all because the dream you once so tried to achieve miserably crumpled down to ashes. I couldn’t do anything but nod with everything you said. Listening was the only thing at that moment I could do so, for simply life was too unpredictable, and besides, I knew there was something else in store for you. The struggle you are facing will eventually wither away.

Once again, you started to walk away, like no conversation even happened and of course, I trailed a few steps behind, blindly following your light to oblivion. I don’t know when these one-sided conversations will end someday, but I do hope it’s soon. Even though I have been with you for too long already there is still a barrier between us that I have tried to break down countless times, but I ultimately can’t.

Still, I vowed to watch over and help you, Chaeng, and I will do everything for you.

I find myself sometimes looking up the heavens above and feel an overwhelming sadness, knowing that I am committing such mistake for loving you. It’s as if I could see God amidst the clouds frowning upon me, probably saying,

‘My child, don’t stray away.’

I was supposed to be your friend, your confidant, your haven…. But selfish I wanted more than that. I became foolish in every inch that I was made up and worse, day by day, my greed for you builds up. I was supposed to love you unconditionally – maybe I wasn’t cut for this job after all. Consequently I somehow dragged a part of you from the life that you were supposed to have. I wanted all your happiness to myself and have forgotten that you had a life outside of the circle I have built between the both us.

Sometimes, I think hell has a special place for someone like me. Probably.

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