I should ask no questions and I'll get no lies. I should turn the cheek and blind the eye. I should let you go. I should bite my tongue and close my mind. I should. But how can I if I'm still in love with you?

Why am I still in love with you?

I can't remember when was the first time I've met you, I can't remember how it all started. But I do remember how I fell for you. I do remember why I fell for you. I do remember how I tried to hide it, but I couldn't. I do remember this all. I do remember. Because I don't want to forget.

Today's the day you've said you'll come to take all your things from the house we used to call our home. I couldn't sleep for the whole night. And it's not because I've been thinking about you, I got used to it. You always show up in my dreams and I think I love it more than thinking. Because I can feel you being close to me, even if it's not real. But dreams are so realistic that I see you crystal clear, I feel your soft hands on my petite body, for a moment I feel happy. Then the morning comes and ruin my happiness bringing me back to the reality and makes me realize you're not here anymore. I couldn't sleep because I was afraid of what brings tomorrow. And tomorrow became today.

You're going to be here in one hour. I'm fighting with myself, I have no idea how should I feel. Because I feel sad you really want to leave me. Even more than sad, but it's hard to admit. I feel so ing miserable without you, I feel sick at heart. My head aches when I think of you. I feel useless and ask myself so many questions I can't even give an answer for. I'm starting to blame myself for everything, even if you said it's not my fault. I'm starting to hate myself for existing. And I hate it even more.

I ought to quickly clean up the living room. But who cares if you won't spend here more than few moments? I ought to prepare some food to stop you here for a bit longer and talk with you. But who cares if you won't even take it into consideration? I ought to change my clothes, so maybe I could keep you for a bit longer with my look you used to love. But who cares if you don't love it anymore? I ought to prepare mentally to greet you with big smile, so maybe I could keep you for a bit longer with the smile you used to call magnificent. But who cares, if you don't call it like this anymore?

And then I recalled that wonderful moment, when we were finally able to spend some time together. We met few times before, but you were working in a city far away from mine and it happened hardly ever. But I believe it brought us even closer to each other. Although, this one moment was the best of all. I raised enough money to buy train tickets and visit you. Three whole days together. I remember smiling to myself during the trip, one man in train asked me if I'm alright, I was smiling that much. You picked me up from the station. When we talked before I even said I'll come, you told me I can stop at your place. Do you know how great it felt? How excited and delighted I was?

We weren't even in a relationship. We weren't sure what is this chemistry between us. But surely we didn't have time to think about it, we only had eyes for each other. It's funny that we both forgot how we've met. Memory of our time still remembers. It was your birthday party. I came there with your boyfriend, my best friend. Eliminating the fact later he became my boyfriend, we still remained friends. Same with him after we broke up. Sounds ridiculous and complicated for people. Almost as we lived in some triangle. Especially when you kissed me during the party, you were that drunk. I don't know how it all happened, but at the end I was with you, in your city walking around and holding your hand. We were nothing official, yet we still were stealing kisses, hugging each other closely, exchanging lovely stares. The last day was the hardest for me. I was aware after this day there's a chance we won't meet for such a long time. But oh, you made me stop worrying about it. You took me to the restaurant where we ate food so delicious that I could eat it everyday and I don't even eat that much. You held my hand tighter than usual. You provoked me so many times to kiss you, that I probably kissed every inch of your face. And at the end of the day, you were with me waiting for my train to come. And at the end of the day it was horribly hard for us to say goodbye. I saw it in your eyes.Saw how hard it was for you too. Or I just wanted to see it.

Because it was then, when I woke up next morning and read your message. Your message that left me confused and clueless. You just had to inform me, that time spent with me was so much fun and that it felt so good, but you don't want go any further. You just had to inform me that it all was just being close friends and that you want to keep it like this. You just had to inform me that you don't play such a game called relationship. You called relationship a game. Like I was about to play with your feelings. Like I was about to play with you like with a toy. But I never would. You did.

Weeks passed and we haven't even talked since then. I tried my best to not feel even a bit depressed, but do you know how hard it is to live without reading any word from you? I'd rather see you throwing tantrums at me for nothing than seeing no texts from you. I felt my brain's filled with emptiness and could do nothing about it. As I didn't want to be strident, I never tried to talk to you. I told myself to move on. I've grown tired of being unhappy about everything so I need to get my together. I knew I can move on. Or that's what I wanted to believe in.

Month after you called me. I don't hide it, I was so surprised that I almost didn't answer on time. And when I heard your voice I wanted to cry. No exact reason, it was just good to hear you. My hands a bit shaky and my heart pounding pretty fast, my head full of thoughts and question for you. I've frozen in place when you said, "Can we meet? I'm near your house."

I told you 'yes', of course. After you hang up I quickly changed my clothes and left my house. I almost ran in your direction, but it felt awkward to just run into your arms, I had to stop myself from doing so. I spotted your figure on the street corner and hesitantly came closer.

"Hi." You said kindly with a smile placed on your face, "I'm glad you came."

"W-what do you want?" I said it quietly, for my luck it didn't sound too mean. Just simple question asked to a common person.

"What about sitting on a bench?" You pointed snow white bench in the park. All we had to do was cross the street. As we did so, you sat first and followed me with your eyes. I kept the save distance from you.

"So why did you want to meet?" I said more confident. There was nothing to be afraid of. Deep in my mind I only thought of telling you how much I missed you. You sighed deeply and found my eyes with your own.

"I'm so sorry, Gayoon."

I couldn't move.

"I'm so sorry for what I did."

Nor could I say anything.

"I didn't want it like this. Would you please listen to my explanation?"

I just kept staring at you. But wanting to hear more of your voice, I slowly nodded.

"I know what I've told you. I remember it perfectly, because I still have that vague sense of guilt. But since then, all I could think of is you."

I should stand up and run away. I should stop listening to you. I couldn't believe you after how you acted previously. But I was so hypnotized that all I did was to grab your hand and let you say more.

"I don't know if you're able to forgive me, but..." You looked at our hands. They seemed to fit each other perfectly, "I'm asking you to do so. I really have been thinking about you as my girl, as someone who belongs only to me. You really can't get out of my head."

"Jiyoon..."

"Shhh. Let me finish, one more thing." You let out a small chuckle. "I... I love you. Can we try everything again, but with you as my girlfriend and me as yours this time?"

I felt tears of happiness in my eyes. Soon those tears made their way out and drew wet tracks on my cheeks. You only smiled at me and wiped the tears off with your thumbs. I missed your soft touch. I missed you so much. My friends never understood why I won't let you go, why I won't stop you from getting close to me. They said you're amazing as a friend, but you're known for changing your mind ten times per minute. I didn't care. I didn't see you that way.

Then you told me that you just moved in to my city. Happiness filled me even more. Also, you told me it's because of good job offers here and that you found one for yourself. And of course, you moved here because of me. And I was so proud of you.

As time passed by, we got closer to each other. Our relationship seemed to be nothing more but perfect connection between two people, who can't live without the second person. After next two months, I asked you to live with me under one roof. I never felt so high in love when you agreed.

I still can smell your scent on my bed. It's everywhere in my house. The fragrance you use is very rare to buy. That's why I won't ever forget it, I need to remember that smell so I won't go insane. It keeps me still in a dream I live in. This bed, where I'm lying for hours, was the one where we cuddled. Where you were telling me that sweet goodnight, every night. Where I always told you to place your head on my chest instead of that uncomfortable pillows. Where you always did and I could feel you listening to my heartbeat. But tell me, did you really do that?

I had to work more, but still managed to find some time for you. That one day I took day off and brought you to your favorite coffeehouse. I ordered two caramel coffees. I don't even like coffee. But it was the one you liked the most, so I liked it too. And I hope you remember that before we left that place I told you, "I feel like you're my blessing."

But you're not.

You're not my blessing.

You're my curse.

And it's getting worse now.

Then you suddenly disappeared. You left all your things in the house, but you were gone. And I was so worried that I almost called all the hospitals to check if you're not in one of them. What stopped me from doing so was your message. Again, the message broke my ing heart. From all the nerves I almost threw up. I felt like I'm your toy, just as before. You just had to text me, that you're sorry, but it doesn't feel right for you. But what doesn't feel right? That you were close to me for those two months? I found it confusing again. Also, you asked me to forgive you and to let you go, said that even you don't deserve forgiveness, you hope I'm able to do it. And that's it. You finished your text with few words, "I'll come next week for all my things."

Today was the day. Thinking about what happened during last three, four, five months I went to the door. I heard somebody knocking. Of course it was you. Sighing deeply, I took step forward and slowly put my hand on the doorknob. I don't know if I want to see you, but I guess I have no choice. I need to encounter you. This is the only right way. So I gently opened the door and I saw you. Jiyoon, if you only knew that my heart broke just seeing you. Does it make you feel guilt?

"Hi." You dared to smile at me, "I'm going to just take my things and won't bother you anymore."

I just watched you taking your bag with all your clothes from the living room. This was my last chance to stop you. I can't just let you go like this. Even if my friends say it's not worth it, I think you're so worth it and I'm going to fight till the end.

"Jiyoon." I almost ran into you. I grabbed your arm and made you look at me. And it disappointed me, only shock in your eyes. No signs of hope. No signs of grief. No signs of love, "Let's talk."

"We're talking already." You just shrugged.

"Stop this. Why are you like this?"

"Gayoon..."

"No, let me finish!" I desperately cried out. You obviously don't want to talk. But let me be selfish this one time as you were all the time, "Don't leave me, you can't!"

I probably was too much of a fighter. I mean, I didn't know you for too long. What is it, six months? And already fighting for you like I'm just losing a relationship that lasted for few years. But you'll never understand. It was all because I really fell hard. I fell in love you. I fell and I'm literally falling now. I'm falling down.

"Listen, Gayoon, I really don't have much time..."

"But you had time to play with me? You had time to wash all the reasonable thoughts out of my brain?"

"I didn't want to play with you. It's just not the feeling that I thought it is." You turned around to face me as you held your bag. You calmly watched my tears falling down. Tears that you used to wipe off my face. You were thinking of getting the hell out of my place. And I was thinking about not letting you. How different we are?

"Am I not enough for you? I can change, just tell me what I did wrong!" I cried even more, taking more steps towards you, "Was I too pushy? Made our relationship too obvious for the world?"

"Gayoon, I'm sure you'll find someone else. You're a really nice girl, you care about people. But I'm not the one. I felt two awkward spending time with you." You tried to veer away from me. But that's when I grabbed your hand and made you stop walking.

"So all of this we did. All of our time spent together, it was all awkward to you? Your words make no sense." And I still think it made no sense, but it must be right. All I sacrificed was for nothing. Cause I found no sign and saw no light. Heard no voice when I prayed at night. But I swore to myself that I'm going to fight for you and there was no turning back.

I eliminated all the space between us. I had to feel you close to me, make sure it's all just a nightmare, that at the end you'll hug me tight and tell me it's all aright. That you are here for me.

But you didn't.

It was me, to put hand on your cheek to feel your soft skin, to feel a bit of your warmth.

But it was you to quickly brush my hand off.

"I really hope you forgive me." With that words you approached the door.

"I hope you got hell to pay." I screamed still crying. I couldn't deal with you leaving me. I have no idea what power kept pushing me towards you and made me love you still. But I knew I'm so not going to forgive you, "Stop talking like you're about to preach to me."

Even if I said so, I'd rather you talking to me any bull than never hear you again. But you are so selfish. You came to me when you felt guilt about not feeling the same love I felt for you. You're so selfish, that you care only about your feelings. You're so selfish, that you even apologized only to wash off the guilt. Jiyoon, why are you so selfish?

"Hey, Gayoon." You spoke before leaving, "I... I really loved you. Just not as much as I thought. Once again, I'm so sorry."

And you just walked. But I'm sure you've heard my last words to you. Because those words are the whole truth about all you've said.

"Don't you dare to say it again,

because it's a blasphemy."

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I want to thank my friend for allowing me to write this story, which is based on her recent relationship that ended so quick. It was inspiring and gave me a lot of thoughts about people.

Selfish people that can't think of their feelings and doing whatever they want.

Of selfish people that play with the ones who love them just because they are undecided.

I hope you got hell to pay.

And thank you reader, for being able to stand this mess of thoughts in my fanfics.

I'd be more than glad if you leave a comment.

.2016.