Bangtan Boys are boys, and there were times that they made Nayeon cry—and surprisingly over silly things. She cried when she lost to Jungkook in that UNO card game. She cried when Nayeon thoughtfully cooked for Bangtan and everyone enjoyed her cooking so much that they forgot to leave a portion for her. Nayeon cried when Taehyung pranked her by writing ‘Yeonjoonie’ on her forehead with a permanent marker when she had fallen asleep in the workroom.

Nayeon cried, at least that’s what they think, because her eyes would be b with tears and her voice would crack when she says or screams things before walking out from them and hiding into Namjoon’s workspace. They never saw her tears fall right before them. Whenever this happens, Namjoon would leave the room to Nayeon and his voice would be dripping with concern as he asks the boys what happened. After explaining things to him, he’d shake his head and laugh it off. But he couldn’t walk back in the room, knowing that Nayeon might still be crying. The thought of hearing her stifle the tears, the sharp sniffs and the heavy sighs, it makes Namjoon so distressed he keeps on pacing back and forth outside the room (because he’d never dare walk in) until Yoongi or Seokjin finds him, rolls their eyes, and pushes him out of the way.

But when either of the two comes in to check on Nayeon, they’d find her folding a paper then pushing a drawer close before and smiling at them. Her eyes aren’t bloodshot or swelling. There wouldn’t be a trace of dried tear on her cheeks at all. Nayeon would look perfectly fine like she didn’t cry. Maybe she actually didn’t.

 

As soon as the others left the room, Nayeon stared at the wall and took deep breathes in five-second intervals. Yoongi knew that she’s fighting back the tears.

“I’m sorry about that,” he said, trying to comfort Nayeon. “I would have been scared myself. What the hell happened?”

“My fault is that I didn’t tell him beforehand,” she answered dejectedly.

It started with BangPDs permission for Nayeon to check the company PCs if they are doing fine, saying, “I’ll check on them myself when I found some time for it.” And based on her judgement (which was then based on the things she picked up in college before dropping for music), most of the PCs are doing fine, except for a few particular PCs. Nayeon said the others were easy to deal with, but Namjoon’s was an entirely different story.

“It was like the plague,” she said and tried to chuckle. “Namjoon’s DAW had -ton of viruses and even malwares!” Despite that, Namjoon’s DAW is perfectly serving its purpose, but the clean-freak and now, also a security-freak that Nayeon is, she had to do something about it.

“So, all you did was clean his computer?” Yoongi said, like clean stood up for something that needed further explanation, to which Nayeon picked up on right away.

“Of course I made a back-up of everything,” Nayeon said, rolling her eyes. “Does he think I’m too shallow to jump straight on reformatting the computer without keeping a copy of those files? I worked for those files, too! And BangPD might as well lay me down straight to my coffin if I actually deleted those without a back-up.”

So that was it. A simple misunderstanding—a much more mind-blowing kind, at least. Nayeon was shocked by the “abuse” Namjoon’s PC is suffering, with all the malwares and viruses it had. Yoongi has a perfect idea of where those and Trojan horses came from, and the idea makes him want to gag. Nayeon took action right away and wasn’t able to tell Namjoon. Nayeon left a note like she always does, but the note is nowhere to be found. Yoongi looked down and found a yellow sticky note somewhere in the shadows under the table. Now, Namjoon, tired, stressed, and kind of excited as well, woke up one morning with all of his files gone, and the last person he saw using his computer was Nayeon.

Nayeon, of all people.

Yoongi prepared himself for her tears, although it makes him really uneasy. Nayeon could tell by the way he shifted on the leather seat as if a worm was wiggling out his butthole. Nayeon once again took deep breathes, looked at the clean PC and started taking out a couple of external drives and three flash drives from her bag. She opened a small drawer on the left side and takes out a paper.

“How am I supposed to say it?” Nayeon asked with a determined look in her eyes. Yoongi blinked, not believing what he just saw. Here’s Nayeon, the girl who cried over losing in UNO, the girl who cried for not having a piece of chicken, the girl who cried for being written with a marker on the forehead. Then, Namjoon exploded with anger right at her face and she didn’t even shed one tear.

Yoongi shook his head. Where did this woman come from?

“Do you want me explain things to him?” Yoongi offered with a keen eye. Maybe she’s just good at holding back. Maybe she’ll break down any minute now. Let’s see…

Nayeon held the folded paper between two fingers, but didn’t open it. She faced Yoongi with a triumphant smile. “I want to say my apologies personally but I guess I can’t talk to him until he cools down,” Nayeon slipped the paper under the keyboard, plugged a drive to the CPU and said, “Tell Namjoon that if he doesn’t want me purging malwares out of his PC, he should be careful about the sites he browses and downloads online.” She turned to Yoongi again but this time, with a smirk and a meaningful look. She cocked a brow, and then went back to her work.

Yoongi blinked yet again, surprised at the way Nayeon delivered her words. As he mentally translated what Nayeon had just said, his face stretched into a grin. He might as well hide for the second-hand embarrassment the leader had put him into. Yoongi stood up from the chair, tapped Nayeon’s back, and they both broke into a punch of laughter. “Alright, I’ll tell him that.”

Upon hearing the door close, Nayeon sighed. She paused from her work and pulled out the folded paper that she slipped underneath the keyboard. This paper is what comforts Nayeon. It may sound too cheesy, but this paper is the reason why she didn’t cry.

Nayeon unfolded the paper and found the same exact words she had written Namjoon roughly around three years ago.

 

On that night when the crowd cheered their names and the lights danced in his tearful eyes, the man of my ponderings revealed himself to the world.

With a heart swelling from affection and care he tore himself open, baring his soul; cried until his throat gave up, and like unfurling fingers of a closed fist, one by one, tears fell
until the stage flooded with a river of pain, of sacrifices, of love, and happiness.

It was a night of accomplishment, of realization of dreams it was a night of weakness,
of honesty and tenderness. But in our eyes—in my eyes, he is—they are—the strongest man standing.

Who is this man? I ask myself once more. He turns his back to the crowd and his path is showered with light as I wonder if I could ever come just as close.

Once he quoted and this moment I quote, “When a person accomplishes his dreams it becomes the dream of others as well.”

You have reached yours, and I can never praise you enough for everything you’ve done
to be where you are now. Thank you for being an inspiration to me, to us, and a thousand more who will, one day, listen to your soul-gripping music and love your artistry as we do.

You are not a monster. Not a demon of intimidating power, nor a being driven by a dark fire. You are so much more.

You aren’t God, and you’ll never be but we look up to you, watch your steps, and listen to your voice.

You are a person, a human. A strong, sensitive man. A loving, generous King. A leader worthy of every ounce of respect.

When the voices get too loud and the world becomes a blur; a psychedelic blend of unflattering colors, it’s time to stop, take a rest. Because when the water starts raging
and the waves start crashing over, you don’t fight the current. You rest on top of it.

That’s how we breathe.

Don’t pressure yourself, may I remind. You don’t have to prove everyone—anyone that you are worthy of the love you receive. This gift is gladly given. It’s yours. Take it.

Whether the sun shines or not, stand tall and do what you believe is right. Give your best, no regrets.

“Dream, hope, keep moving.”

“Live, laugh, keep loving.”

I believe in you. 

-S.N

It made Nayeon really happy to find this paper in his workroom, marked but carefully folded inside the drawer where Namjoon keeps his lyric notes. Nayeon closed her eyes, basking at the fact that after all these years Namjoon had actually read her letter.

 

Meanwhile, at the other side of that door, Namjoon was a mess.

He sat on the couch, his elbows propped on his thighs, his head rested on two large hands while his hairs up to a hundred directions. Seokjin and Hoseok sat beside him, and the two looked up at Yoongi who came towards them. The smug face he wore didn’t match the heavy atmosphere looming over the couch.

Hoseok and Seokjin calmed the lion down with a simple reminder: everyone has a copy of everything. Every company PC has a back-up of the new album. Of course they have that. But the thought slipped out of his mind as soon as he saw his computer scrubbed clean, and the boys couldn’t blame him for feeling that way. Still, it was wrong of him to give Nayeon the judgement of hell, and this is why Namjoon is hiding his face.

“How did it go?” Seokjin thoughtfully asked. Namjoon peered over his hands, glancing up to Yoongi with regretful eyes and marked with a few traces of anger. This made the latter crack.

Yoongi collected himself, apologized for his improper reaction, and said, “Nayeon says you should stop downloading .”

Namjoon’s jaw fell on the floor together with two others which belonged to Hoseok and Jin. Namjoon hid his face back into his hands and groaned in frustration and shame while the three boys slammed everything their hands could as they slid down the ground, tears forming at the corners of their eyes as they laughed their heads off.

 

 

X

 

 

Nayeon was recording—and this is not something she’d expect.

BangPD met her the next morning and discussed with her a plan that he had been keeping to himself for so long.

“I like your voice Nayeon,” he started, his flabby arms once again crossed over his chest as he lightly swung the leather chair to and fro.

Nayeon couldn’t believe what she heard.

“I’m sorry?”

“I said I like your voice,” BangPD repeated, this time adding a smile before making his point clear to Nayeon. “It really surprised me when I heard you singing in the studio room once.” BangPD went on with his view on Nayeon’s singing capabilities, something she had thought about before as well. The difference is that Nayeon thinks she’s hopeless. BangPD believes otherwise. After the meeting, he assigned a vocal trainer for Nayeon. “Let’s see what a week can do you.”

So here she is, a week after, covering an Adele track in the recording booth while the writers and producers she had been working with watched and listened to her with BangPD on the other side of the room. So far, she had been receiving encouragements and positive comments. Maybe, that’s a good thing.

“Rest for a moment and then we’ll redo the final chorus,” BangPD said through the intercom and Nayeon gave a nod.

She took off the headphones, sat down for a moment and laid her eyes on the English lyrics at hand. BangPD selected this song for her since her voice is low and powerful. While Nayeon personally doesn’t have hopes of being a solo singer, she still gave it her best. Nayeon wouldn’t want to fail BangPD.

As Nayeon looked up at the recording equipment, she could picture Namjoon standing behind the microphone, one hand rested over the headphone while the other held the printed lyrics. There’s that, another reason to give this recording her one hundred ten percent: Kim Namjoon.

 

Kim Namjoon stood outside the recording booth, his eyes tenderly watching Son Nayeon. He wouldn’t admit it, but Namjoon thinks Nayeon is beautiful, although she doesn’t fit in his description of ideal woman. But who cares about ideal types? His standard of an ideal woman was superficial anyway. He wanted a tall woman with a killer bod, pretty face and nice voice. Nayeon earns zero point in that standard. She’s a small lady with healthy curves, making her fit in his arms very well. Her voice is deep and it sounds really soulful and y when she hums to the music. Nayeon is rash but caring, sarcastic yet sweet, simple and artistic, open-minded and expressive, enduring and full of spirit—and he loves her the way she is. He loves how Nayeon fits him perfectly, how their similarities, their differences and flaws complement each other’s so well they might as well have been made for each other. Namjoon strongly believes its fate. 

Yes, Namjoon is in love with her. And although Kim Namjoon had been known for being direct, for being the most straightforward of all members, when Son Nayeon enters the room, Kim Namjoon would stare at her in a daze and shut his mouth close.

How could he think about confessing when he hadn’t even apologized for last week yet?

He’s ashamed of himself.

But then, Namjoon could justify it to his conscience very well. He wanted his apology to be heartfelt, so he’s putting much effort on it—so much effort and love that he spent the whole week writing a song of apology for her.

It doesn’t appeal to s though. At best, they would say something along the lines of “Hyung, it’s been a week.”, “I miss Nayeon’s cooking.”, “You haven’t told her yet? Man you’re weak.” “I wonder when Nayeon-ssi will drop by again.” But then Yoongi, for reasons he didn’t say, had reached the end of his patience, and so he said,

“Man up and ing apologize.”

 

Namjoon was torn out of his trance when he felt something pull him back to reality. He glanced up and found Nayeon’s eyes looking back to his, those captivating hazel orbs that dances with a spectrum of colors. Were it not for that, Namjoon would compare them to black holes: those eyes just never fail to him in. Nayeon held her gaze for a moment, smiled, and then waved a small hand.

Ah, she’s so cute.

Namjoon found himself waving back.

And I’m so ing lame.

Unbeknownst to Namjoon, three boys (Hoseok, Taehyung, and Jungkook) are already standing behind him. They crept close to him, centimetre by centimetre, until they finally sandwiched him against the glass wall, and the three voices sang together,

“Someone has a crush on Nayeon-ssi~”

Namjoon practically jumped in his spot, but the boys didn’t see as they were so busy flailing in the hall, running out of air for laughing their lungs off. Hoseok was the first to recover, and unfortunately for him, he’s the one who gets kicked by an obviously-flustered Kim Namjoon.

He punched forward and kicked the air low so none of the three would dare come near him again, but despite himself, he was smiling just as big. “Get the outta here!” He screamed a pitch too high and his voice cracks in the process, knocking Jungkook of his feet as he laughed his head off again.

 

 

X

 

It was eleven in the evening when Nayeon was lounging in Namjoon’s workroom. Nayeon is expecting him to come at such a time that’s why she stayed there right after having dinner alone in BigHit’s caferia. She spent three hours listening to RM’s second mix tape, browsing articles and reading her letter over and over again with a question in mind: Why did Namjoon keep it here?

The door opened, producing the man Nayeon had been waiting for all these time. He stopped on his tracks for a moment, probably surprised for finding Nayeon in his workroom again. Nayeon felt bad about this. After what she did with the PC, seeing her close to the device might be ringing caution alarms in Namjoon’s brain.

But that’s not the case.

As soon as Namjoon closed the door, the air thickened. His breathing pattern became erratic, and his heart is beating wildly, like a beast having a tantrum in its cage. His mouth felt dry and the apology he had been trying to take out of his chest balled up into a lump, lodging itself midway his throat.

“Man up and ing apologize.”

“Nayeon—”

“I’m sorry,” Nayeon started, waving the paper for him to see. “You might be thinking, ‘There she is again, rummaging through my things like she could just do whatever she wants.’” Nayeon shrugged and opened the paper. He was too far to read its contents but he recognized the marks that he made. It was his favorite fan letter. “I’m just really happy to find this in your drawer, in a place that is so close to you. It’s really comforting.”

Namjoon remembers the words in that letter very well. It was indeed a comforting letter for him. For a person to say such affectionate words during tough times—

He stopped as her words sunk in. “I’m happy to find this in a place so close to you.”

Then he remembered a line in the letter that sounded quite the same: “I wonder if I could ever come just as close.”

“That letter,” he started, and he pretends to cough as he cleared his throat. “I’m not trying to sound arrogant or anything but, could that be—”

“I wrote it,” Nayeon confessed, and she knows Namjoon wouldn’t believe those statements right away, so she repeats. “I wrote it for you roughly three years ago. A fan who attended the Bundang fansign made a letter project. I sent mine, in hopes that it would reach you.”

Indeed, Namjoon remembers receiving it roughly three years ago, together with hundreds more—and none of those were left unread.

It was her. All these time, it was her. Son Nayeon, the thoughtful author behind the letter that gave him strength when he starts doubting himself.

I believe in you.

Namjoon took a deep breath. He drops down the ground and chuckles.

Nayeon pursed her lips and started again, “I’m really sorr—”

“No, I’m sorry,” he said as he finally mustered enough courage to look straight into Nayeon’s eyes. “You were just…doing the right thing then. I shouldn’t have been so harsh at you. You worked hard for everything.”

Nayeon smiled understandingly. “I’m still at fault,” she said with a shrug. “Partly, at least. Sorry for making you worry for nothing.”

Namjoon stood up, pulled a chair and sat next to Nayeon. His head is turned down, avoiding eye contact as much as he can, or his heart would blow into a hundred butterflies right away. Clearing his throat once more, he asks, “What should I do?”

“I installed all the essential software back. I added a couple of anti-malwares and anti-spywares as well. Browsing shouldn’t be a problem from now on. Be careful with external drives, though. Don’t plug any other drives that aren’t used by the company—”

Nayeon wasn’t done yet. She’s about to discuss how she returned all the music files back and was preparing to elaborate about how she organized them by dates and genres into different folders to make finding easy when Namjoon interrupted her.

“I didn’t mean about using the computer, Nayeon,” he sighed. Namjoon is usually straightforward. He could say anything he wants; say how he feels at the moment without a problem at all. But why is it different with Nayeon? He cracks his knuckles, rolls his shoulders, stretches his neck, and finally, proceeds once again. “I meant about me,” he added. “What should I do s-so you can forgive me?”

To his surprise, Nayeon sat on his lap and sunk herself into Namjoon’s chest, one arm awkwardly hanging around his neck. “Please count off from 20.”

Namjoon gulped and hesitantly slithered his arms around her. When his hands finally rest around her tiny figure, Namjoon breathes out and takes her in comfortably. “Why should I?”

Nayeon answered in that low and hushed talking voice she uses when it’s already deep in the night and hearing your normal volume feels quite odd. Namjoon loves it when she talks that way. “I’ve read online that hugging someone for more than twenty seconds makes them trust you more,” she answered reluctantly like how she hates admitting to her dad she missed him, “and I just happened to be a very cheesy person.”

Namjoon chuckled at this. Taking a deep breath he, pulls Nayeon closer, but then, he felt Nayeon pushing out of his hold.

Reluctantly, he lets Nayeon go, but she didn’t go too far. All she did was peer up and ask, “How long had it been?”

“I-I forgot to count off,” Namjoon answered slyly, pulling Nayeon again to his chest for another hug. Namjoon can never get enough of her soft skin, her sweet vanilla scent, the lame- butterflies in his stomach, his wild heart beats, and her insanely warm body that feels like it’s always a degree higher than the normal body tempt (although they had actually tried testing her once and the result was normal). “Let’s start over,” Namjoon whispered on top of her head. “I’ll countdown from sixty—maybe even a hundred.”

“Make it a thousand,” Nayeon playfully shot back. This made Namjoon from ear to ear as he snuggles into the crook of her neck.

Nayeon thought about all the Bangtan boyfriend!au imagines she had read online and smirked. Well, they’re all damn wrong. Namjoon isn’t the sensual daddy that makes you scream his name as he teased you to your edge. He’s a cute, needy baby who needs a lot of love and hug and—

Namjoon grew quite uncomfortable so he shifted a little, his plump, wet lips (quite intentionally) brushing against her neck for a short moment, sending a firework of sensations down her spine and back up to her brain again and her breath actually hitched; Nayeon prayed Namjoon didn’t notice.

The fan blogs are probably right.

 

 

They stayed like that for God-knows-how-long. Nayeon started to feel sleepy and Namjoon’s arm felt awkward and numb. Nayeon said something about it earlier but he just wouldn’t budge. After a while, numb arms finally won and Namjoon gave up on holding her for another second.

Nayeon stood up and Namjoon can’t help but frown as her warmth started to fade away. She collected her things, slung her bag on one shoulder and gave a soft smile. “I should be going now.”

Namjoon nodded and pursed his lips into a thin line; it was more of a strain for words rather than a smile. Nayeon gave him a dead stare and Namjoon spilled the tea. “A-am I forgiven?”

Nayeon took a red flash drive from her rucksack’s side pocket and tossed it to him. “Open that drive and you’ll know,” she said nonchalantly. “I do not have a complete copy, but at least it’s now virus-free.”

He looked up to her eyes, then down to her plump red lips and Namjoon his own as he thought about how perfect the night would be if he can have a taste of it. But he’s an idol and it could be the biggest mistake he’d ever make, so he shifted his eyes back to hers and gave a sincere smile. “Take care.”

She beamed back. “You, too.”

As soon as the door clicked close, Namjoon took his jacket off and then the shirt underneath. The AC is on, but he’s sweating like hell. As he stood up from the leather chair, the flash drive Nayeon tossed him drops on the ground. He picked it up and settled it on his table.

Had it been the old days, Namjoon would have to rummage through shelves and shelves to find his old laptop. Then Nayeon came to Bangtan and now he perfectly knew where his old laptop is. Nayeon placed it in the lowest shelf on his left wall.

He opened the laptop and rested it on his thighs. It’s not exactly broken, but it’s too old to handle the heavy work of music production. It functions well for a half an hour, and then starts to have problems thereafter.

Namjoon plugged the flash drive Nayeon threw at him. Although Nayeon said it’s clean, it’s not a company drive and he doesn’t want to risk it now. He’d prefer following Nayeon’s instructions from now on.

He opened the drive and files that are so damn familiar to him flashed on his screen. Namjoon would have laughed, but all he could to was settle down the old laptop on a table and hide his burning face behind his two large hands. He might as well snatch his scalp off afterwards.

He couldn’t believe Nayeon would go as far as making a back-up of this.

“This.”

A mortifying American collection by no other, Kim Namjoon.

He scratched the back of his head, dropped on the floor and donned a grin like a man losing sanity.

Damn you, crazy woman.

 

 

hope you enjoyed the read :))