crossposted from my tumblr

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It was small, but it was home. The paint on the walls chipped slightly, but they stood sturdy against the blowing winds, keeping out the cruelty of the world. Their furniture was mismatched, but they didn’t mind, not when their bed felt too much like heaven despite its strange headboard and tacky yellow and blue sheets. Their furnace was inconsistent, but they kept each other warm, a mess of limbs and whispered words of adoration against heated skin. It was small, imperfect… But it was home. 

 Life was a mess sometimes. Making ends meet was tough, but trying to hold their relationship together was tougher. Sometimes they would scream so loud their throats would be raw till morning. Sometimes they’d hiss words dripping with acid, sometimes they wouldn’t talk at all. Sometimes they’d cry so hard that the tears would just stop, but the aching in their hearts wouldn’t. Sometimes just giving up seemed like the right thing to do. 

But they never did. In the end, they’d fix it. They had to, because they loved each other. God, did they love each other. They loved each other so much it scared him. 

Seungcheol would find himself so overwhelmed with love that the prospect of losing Jeonghan terrified him beyond belief. This was why he held on a bit too tightly to his boyfriend’s hand when they went out, why he would grab onto Jeonghan’s wrists after allowing him to pound on his chest, frustrated tears running down his boyfriend’s beautiful face as he whispered apology after apology, not really caring who had started what, why he loved their little home, with its paint-chipped walls, mismatched furniture and the nights where all they had was each other to keep them warm. He loved him so much he’d do anything to keep him. 

Jeonghan loved him too, but he never really said it. But just because he never said it didn’t mean he loved him any less. He said it in the way he made them coffee before work, he said it in the way he caressed Seungcheol’s face in the morning, eyes tracing over his boyfriend’s features, committing it to memory and emblazoning it in his heart, he said it in his hugs and his kisses, in his ‘thank you’s and his 'take care’s. “I”, “love” and “you” were words he never spoke, because to him, it couldn’t truly express just how much Seungcheol meant to him. It was beyond words, beyond any type of affection he could offer. 

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But the world was a cruel place.

Their love was strong, but their insecurities were sometimes stronger. 

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“You were flirting with him! You were, goddamn it, Jeonghan, I’m not blind.” It scared him to think that Jeonghan wasn’t happy with him. What if he realizes that he deserved so much more than what Seungcheol could give him? 

“You’re being suffocating, Cheol! I can’t live like this!” I can’t live without you, but I’m afraid that we’re just going to continue tearing each other apart. I can’t break you. 

“Then leave! If you can’t even tell me that you love me, then there’s no point in this relationship.”Please just say it. Please don’t leave. Please love me. 

“You’re ridiculous! This is ridiculous!” You don’t mean that. Please don’t mean that. 

They were but inches apart, chests heaving and cheeks damp from tears. This was no longer a fight about some random man who prodded much too close for comfort. No, this was something so deeply rooted that it shook them to the core. 

“You don’t love me.” 

Jeonghan froze as Seungcheol growled out the words he feared the most. The silence was deafening and Jeonghan wanted nothing more than for Seungcheol to take it back. 

“I’m leaving.” Jeonghan stepped past Seungcheol, grabbing a bag and shoved what little he had inside of it, ignoring the cracking of his heart and the numbness in his fingers. 

He stopped by their door, hoping that he would stop him. Grab him by the wrist and pull him to his chest. 

“Leave.” 

Sometimes giving up was the only thing they could do. 

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