I was a transferee back in high school, coming from Daegu all the way to Seoul. I was scared, very scared indeed, because of the new environment I need to adjust to, new people to deal with, different practices to cope up…

The very day I was standing on front of everybody, to introduce myself, with all those students looking strangely at me, maybe because of my short mushroom hair style reaching down my neck, my resting--face syndrome, and my somewhat manlier-than-men attitude, I was very ready to go home and do everything I can to convince my parents for us to go back to Daegu.

I sat at an empty seat at the back just beside the window. The whole class hour, I was staring out the window, staring at the broad surroundings outside; the big trees, stout, green shrubs, the leaves that have fallen on the blanket of grass covering the whole soil, and the pathway of students in between. Some buildings below, if it was part of the school campus or not, I don’t know. I just know that I stared at it for the whole eternity as if I had memorized every single detail of the land below until I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Ms. Kang Jiwon, won’t you mind focusing in my class, and taking down notes?” Seonsaengnim ruffled my hair, the hair I tried very hard to style this morning, and I gasped in chagrin, causing laughter in the whole class.

“It is your first day here, so please cooperate, and coexist with us, okay?” seonsaengnim went back to her desk and I sighed, trying my best to bring the stray strands of my hair down, but still, some strands kept on standing up.

“Aish…” I muttered under my breath as I got my notebook from my bag, only to hear a snicker by my side. I stared at my seatmate, the seatmate I was sitting beside for almost an hour and I haven’t even noticed his presence, except at this very moment that I heard his soft laugh.

“That was too funny,” he laughed, his eyes crinkling as he covered his mouth where chuckles kept on coming out, “minutes ago you were standing before us, with your tough expression on, and now you are whining because our teacher ruffled your hair.”

I glared at him. “Yah, I am not whining!” I half screamed in a whispery voice, my voice full of air to keep my tone down.

I just got a soft laugh in return, AGAIN, and I gave him a stare that spelled ‘death’ and he instantly stopped.

I went back to my notebook, and began copying the notes on the board for a few minutes of silence, until I saw a bottle of staying serum for the hair on my desk. I looked beside me, and saw his bright smile once again, “Use that to help your hair stay in place.”

“Erm…” I picked it up, looking at it as if I am searching for something else on the label.

“That has no drug or anything on it. It is just as it is.” I was a bit shocked that he figured out what I was thinking, and I noticed how his lips cracked into a sweet smile, showing his white teeth, and how his puppy eyes glowed with persuasion, and that is when I felt it… All the outward noises were gone, and my ear could just hear his voice, his soft, angelic voice. I felt my whole world stop, my body freeze, just by the stare and smile he gave me. Thankfully, I got back in my senses, and I just shove it back on his hand when I heard the bell ring, indicating that it is already break.

“Hey, don’t you want to use this? It is very nice. This staying lotion is the one I use because I hate the feeling of gels and waxes—“

“I can fix my hair myself!” I answered back, rushing out of the classroom as fast as I can, my hand clenching on my chest as I made my way to the comfort room, to perhaps, think about everything that just happened.

I couldn’t understand why, even with all the silence and solitude I have in the corners of the room, I could hear and feel my heart thumping in my chest.

I was scared at the moment, as it is my first time feeling this in the almost 16 years of my life.

Kim Jonghyun.

So that is his name, as I heard from the female students in my class who were at the hallway. Kim… Jong… Hyeon. Three syllables that rolled on my tongue as if it was the easiest thing to say.

Kim… Jong… Hyeon. This Kim Jonghyun was sitting under the tree I was looking at for the rest of the first period. He sat there, a guitar on his hand, with all other students surrounding him. So he’s popular, huh.

I watched as his fingers strummed on the guitar as he sang. Sunlight shone on him, passing through the branches of the tree that was shading him, and I swear I saw the most angelic face throughout my life. I never saw someone so beautiful, so pure, as this human. Everything seems to be moving slowly; the light swaying of the branches with the slight breeze outside, the students who are clapping, squealing, hitting each other while looking at Kim Jonghyun who just sang and played his guitar while closing his eyes. The way his long, velvety fingers moved, the way he opened his mouth and the way he tapped his foot on the cemented ground… Very soft. Gentle. Smooth. Even when his hair flew to the sudden gust of wind, they all fell on their respective places. Gosh, even his hair is as delicate as him.

I didn’t notice the time, and just looked at his direction, until he stood up, bowed at his enthusiastic audience… And he opened his eyes, turning his head at my very direction as if he knew I was watching all the time, and he waved his hand, a grin on his face. I felt a burning sensation all over my face, and I quickly turned away from the window, going at the school comfort room the second time of the day to calm down my nerves.

That was the day I fell in love with Kim Jonghyun.

“So I see that you watched my mini performance.” I almost jumped out of my seat when I heard his voice. His smooth, soothing voice…

“Umm yeah. You sounded nice.” I mindlessly commented and I heard a giggle.

“You didn’t even hear me at all. It is impossible to hear me from 20 feet above.” He chuckled and I looked at him, annoyed, “You kept on laughing, don’t you?”

“Why, it is better than frowning,” he said, “they said that it takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 muscles to frown. I don’t want to tire myself.”

I was very ready to cut him off, as he is annoying the crap out of me, until he added the last part:

“You’re amusing.”

I didn’t know how, and I guess I would never know, but I became friends with the school’s flower boy, Kim Jonghyun. Jonghyun was one of the most popular students in school despite being a first year high school student. His charms, his handsome looks, and his broad range when it comes to singing was known since he is in middle school, where he began studying at our school.

I loved it when we would come over to each other’s houses, where we could see a different side of each other. Jonghyun was effeminate, yes, but I didn’t know that he was this…bad? Worse? Cute? He was so adorable. He prefers doing house work for women than the electronic ones like fixing the light bulb. He giggles, he kept on laughing while covering his mouth… he will suddenly hug me for doing something for him such as a simple dish or beating the level of the game he couldn’t finish...

As for that night, he tied my hair in an apple hairstyle after trying on pigtails on me. Gosh, this guy really loves fixing my hair.

“Ugh.” we both let out a groan as the lights and appliances suddenly shut down by their own. Only my phone’s flashlight lightened up the whole living room.

“It is a power interruption, I think.” He sighed, and added, “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, Jiji. You could go home now.”

“Bro, you’re really asking me to go home at 10 in the night?” I sneered, and hit him by the elbow, “and, I couldn’t break my promise. I promised your parents and your sister that I will take care of you.”

“Oh, that’s why you came over?” he hugged a pillow that he got from the side, “those adults, really. Don’t they think I could take care of myself.”

“Of course. You don’t know how to cook a single decent dish. Your food masterpieces are fried this and boiled that. I saw you once sweeping the floor with the fan on. You kept on freaking out in the dark and saying that monsters may come out. You couldn’t even determine if you should change your clothes from too much sweat or retain it. And yeah, you literally shrieked when we saw a bug moments ago—“

“Yah!” he covered his ears, not ready to hear any embarrassing moments of his life again, “fine I get it. Stay here. I prefer if you are here with me.”

“Of course you do,” I stood up to get the nail cutter by the side of the living room cabinet, “if you are alone, I bet you would have woken up the whole neighborhood by your screams because you tripped on your own feet in the dark and that a monster is coming for you.”

“Kang Jiwon!” he covered his face with the top of the pillow he was clinging to, and I could see the tips of his ears go red, “stop teasing me.”

“This baby, really,” I shook my head as I sat on the floor once again, grabbing one of his hands, “hey, when are you planning to cut your nails, hm? They’re too long and can scratch someone."

“Tomorrow when the power goes back.”

“No, I am doing it right now.” I barely had the nail cutter clip off his thumb nail, when he pulled his hand away, “It’s dark. What if you hurt me?”

“Do you honestly believe that I would hurt you?” I cocked a brow up, and gestured to the cellphone flash with my lips, “plus we have a small source of light. Just trust me, Jjong.”

He just nodded, and I proceeded to my labor of love. I went slow, so he won’t get nervous and hurt. The last thing I would like to do was to cut those delicate fingers.

He would occasionally look up to me and smile, and I would smile back.

“Done.” I said, and he looked at his nails in quite surprise, “you did it perfectly even in the dark.”

“Told yah. Did I hurt you?” he shook his head, and I smirked, “You really couldn’t live without me.”

“Yes. You’re my very best friend,” his eyes crinkled as he smiled, which made me do the same again, despite the quite pang in my heart for hearing ‘best friend.’

I felt his hands cup my cheeks, “This is rare I guess.”

“Rare?”

“Rare for you to smile like that,” he chuckled as he pinched my cheeks a little before pulling away, “in school you kept on throwing them death glares. Even if you are with me, you rarely crack a grin. Just fatherly smiles and laughs.”

“Father?” I mused, “then you are the mother. The clumsy mother who couldn’t do anything without the father.”

“Hey that’s too much,” he pouted, letting out his bottom lip in a very cute way that had me restraining to kiss him, “you’re really getting into our classmates’ teases, aren’t you.”

“They refer to me as a guy, and sometimes, they see you as a girl especially when you are with me. Gosh, are all flower boys like that?”

He didn’t answer, and I just laid my head on the side of the couch he was sitting on. After about a minute I felt the weight on the couch disappear, and I felt a pair of arms encircling my frame.

“You really are tiny, aren’t you?” he rested his face on the crook of my neck, his nose in contact with my skin, that made me lose all the oxygen in my mind, “you’re just a bit taller than my mom.”

“W-what are you doing?” I tried grasping away from his hold like a 7 year old boy who doesn’t want his mom to kiss him because he thinks he is an adult, “and excuse me, you’re also short and small.”

“But you’re a lot smaller. You’re tiny. See the difference?” his hold just got tighter around my waist, and I just squirmed, “yah, Jjongie…”

“You’re so squishy,” I heard, and felt him sniff by my neck, which made my heart thump faster than it already was, “and you’re so fragrant. You smell like green tea.”

“Heeeeeeey,” I let out a long whine as I pushed his head away from me, only for him to do it again, “you’re too close to me.”

“It’s not like there’s malice,” he whispered by my ear, and I swear I felt his lips by my earlobe, “it is just the two of us anyway.”

“Yeah…”

“If all our classmates just know how sweet and cute you are, I know that they would like you.”

“I don’t need them, as long as I am with you.” I answered, keeping my head down. Thank God there’s a power interruption or else he might have seen the blush on my face.

“Sodam noona always told me that I am already a grown up so I should act like one,” he said as he sighed, “but sometimes, I couldn’t help acting like a kid. Thank you for keeping up with me. Thank you for always being there for me.” I could tell that he was smiling while speaking.

“No, thank you for keeping up with me even if I am the school outcast and the ungirliest of all girls.” I replied, and got my phone and turned off the flashlight. “Let’s sleep, our baby Jonghyun.”

“Good night, Jiji…” he trailed off, and I felt his head lay on my shoulder. Just when I closed my eyes and thought that he was asleep, I felt something warm press on my cheek and I heard his sleepy voice:

“Thank you for being my teddy bear tonight, beautiful.”

I hope I didn’t wake him up by my erratic breathing due to the fast beating of my heart. He really did kiss me.

Due to my boyish manner and weird hairstyle for a girl, not a lady in school wants to be friends with me. As for the boys, either they think I am trying hard to be tough or that I am not attractive enough to court, so they don’t like to be associated with me in any way.

Kim Jonghyun was my only friend at the time. He always said that he likes my charms: my ‘cuteness’ and ‘handsomeness’ in my hair, and we even go to the barber shop on the same days;

My honesty and guts to say what I think directly, even if it is on the authorities such as our teachers who have done things that seemed unjust in my eyes;

My wittiness to talk back with the high school seniors who bullies me and sometimes, the guys who are jealous at Jonghyun;

And my somewhat dare-devil bravery. I could remember clearly how I, who learned from an old friend who was a gang member before, escaped from some bad guys who wanted to rob the dandy, looking-rich Jonghyun on one of the days we went out.

The two of us were happy buddies, delighted by the thought that the other one exists, and were ready to rescue each other in emergency situations (eg. Me in my undone homeworks and him in days he wants to get away from home, from any boring activity, and helping him escape on various gangs). I should have been contented over that. I should have never told him how I felt. But I couldn’t take it anymore. The kiss on the cheek that he gave me that night caused me to become braver.

"I like you."

Jonghyun immediately stopped typing on his laptop and looked up to me. I could tell by his expression that he was taken aback and surprised. We were at the school library at the time and there are just like 4-5 other students inside, who were all studying.

"...what?" He furrowed his eyebrows, and stood up from his chair, making his way on front of me to touch my forehead. "Hm, but you're not sick. What's happening with you?"

"I like you." I repeated, and handed him a bouquet of flowers I had been holding. "This is for you."

He stared at me, maybe he was thinking that I was playing around.

“Jiji, if this is a joke…”

“I want to court you, Kim Jonghyun.” I said with a straight face, and he just stared at me for the whole minute.

“I’m a guy, Jiji. And you are a girl. You can’t be doing this,” he looked at the surroundings, and saw some of the students peeking up from their books and going back to the stuff they were busy on, “and take these flowers. Someone would think that I would be giving this to a girl when they see me around.”

“Are you rejecting me this fast?” I frowned, and I signaled with my hand for him to stop handing me the flowers, “these are yours. I bought this bouquet just for you.”

“This is too expensive to accept,” he insisted, but he stopped when he saw a glint of hurt in my eyes, “I…”

“It isn’t like that it is your first time receiving stuff from girls, and boys alike,” I crossed my arms and tilted my head as I looked at him. “I know you like her. I know that you are courting her. But you couldn’t remove my right to show you how much I like you.”

“I…” He was probably planning to say another word, but he couldn’t. “Thank you, Jiji.”

“I will walk you home later.” I proceeded at the exit and I looked back at him again, and said:

“I won’t give up on you, Jonghyun.”

He was left there, dumbfounded.

We were still close friends despite that, only that our male classmates would tease us every now and then, and the female ones would criticize me just with their looks. I bet it’s just four reasons: 1) they want their Jjong oppa by themselves;  2) they were rooting for the girl Jonghyun was courting, 3) I was never right for him in their eyes, or  4) I’m courting a hella  guy. Why, it isn’t like I was the only one in the world who had done that. At least I am courting him, not like those creepy madwomen who act like sasaengs and pursue guys in scary and cringe-worthy ways.

On weekends, I would visit Jonghyun just to bring him a single flower, a small bar of chocolate, or whatever I laid my hands to, and I would ask him if he would like to be my boyfriend.

“Don’t you have anything more useful and reasonable to use the money for?” he asked me once, as he stared at the pink bud he was holding, “not that I am complaining. I am very grateful for your kindness, but it’s too expensive, especially because you kept on giving me stuff every single week.”

“But these are all pretty to ignore,” I muttered under my breath. He just shrugged and patted my head, flashing his million dollar smile.

“When will you agree to be my boyfriend?” I asked the question he kept on hearing every week, and like the usual, he would just look at the present I gave that day and make a comment about it.

“It’s pretty. Thank you for this.”

He already turned to enter his house again, but he looked back when I said this:

“But you’re more beautiful, Jjongie.”

“That’s embarrassing, Jiji.” I was walking him home, which I insisted on doing even if he objects as it should be the other way round. He sighed as he walked with his hands on the back of his head, and I was casually trudging on the road.

“Why? I just fed you with the cake I tried very hard to bake,” I puffed my cheeks as I stared at him, “what’s embarrassing about that? Why, doesn’t it taste delicious? Seonsaengnim said I did a great job and got the highest score in our baking class today.”

“But why do you have to feed me in public,” he almost squealed as he remembered the moment, “and when you wiped the icing from my mouth, Yoona entered the room. I’m very embarrassed.”

“It’s not a big deal,” I winked a little at him, making him roll his eyes, “Your flirting today is nonstop, isn’t it, Kang Jiwon?”

“You call that flirting?” I stopped on my tracks which he did also.

“What…” he didn’t speak when I tiptoed (as I am just… below the level of his chin) to tuck the stray strands of his jet black hair behind his ear. “You need a new haircut. It’s getting longer than usual.”

“I see…” he nodded, as he looked at his house’s direction, “Gosh, we are already here? So fast.”

“Nae.” I smiled and turned to the road leading to my house, “I’m going Jjongie, Let’s have a date next weekend!”

“D-date?” he blinked about 6 times, his puppy eyes fluttering every now and then, shooting me love hearts, “bwoh. Are you really asking me to have a date?”

“Yes. It isn’t like Yoona is the only one you could date. Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?”

“No, no of course.” He waved his hands together with the shaking of his head, “i-it isn’t like that.”

“Okay then. I’ll take that as a yes for our date.” I winked, and I ran, just to look back again to shout, “Next Sunday! I wouldn’t give up on you, Kim Jonghyun!”

Jonghyun just massaged his forehead as he smiled, and went inside his house.

“I couldn’t go.”

“Why?” Jonghyun called me to tell that he couldn’t have a date with me today.

“I was playing basketball with my friends yesterday, and I got some hand injuries, so…”

“WHAT? I’M COMING THERE.” I dropped the phone, not giving him a chance to speak. I grabbed my coat and bid my dad who was reading news paper on the dining table and my mom who was cleaning the kitchen a fast goodbye and fled from my house.

“Gosh, Jiwonnie you scared me so much.” Sodam eonni held her chest as if her heart would jump out.

“Where’s Jonghyun?” I felt my breath went in an irregular manner. Perhaps from too much rushing. I couldn’t let my prince in distress feel the pain all by himself.

“He is upstairs, honey,” she walked over me and patted my head, “may you stay and look Jonghyun over for me? I am going to fetch Mom from work.”

“Okay.” I grinned, and waved her goodbye as I flew upstairs.

“Jjongie!” the door flew open, and Jonghyun looked at me who was lying on his bed. “Jiji?”

I stared at the bandage on his hand, making me cover my mouth in shock.

“Don’t freak out like that,” he chuckled, patting the empty space on his bed, asking me to sit down, “it is just a simple sprain. There is no fracture.”

Still… I felt myself sniffing at that moment, until I burst into tears and buried my face on his uninjured arm, “Why didn’t you take care of myself?”

“Sorry,” he patted my head, gliding his hand on my hair, “I really got into the game. It has been long since I played with those guys.” Yes he was right. He was dating with Yoona almost all the days of the past week, so he rarely had time with his friends. Count me in that category.

“Please don’t cry anymore. I am still alive. See?” he kicked his legs in the air, and held up his injured arm, only to wince in pain later on.

“Yah!” I slapped his shoulder, holding his hand up in the gentlest way possible, “you’re such a baby, aren’t you.”
 

“You’re mean.” He pouted, “you are crying right now. Who is the baby now?”

I just laughed at him while wiping my tears, “Does it hurt?”

“Just a little,” he smiled apologetically, “and, hey. I’m sorry. Because of this, I can’t go to our date.”

“It’s alright,” I beamed, “just being with Jjongie is enough for me.”

I looked at his other hand, which has some bruises and dressed wounds, to which I readily placed a chaste kiss.

“J-Jiwon…” I looked up to him, who was blushing the moment my lips touched his hand.

“Couldn’t it be just me?” I asked, lacing our fingers together, “I promise that I would take care of you. I would do everything just for you… Just accept my love for you, Jjongie.”

He hung his head low and pulled away his hand away from my grasp, surprising me a bit.

“Jjong? Did it hurt or…”

“I’m sorry.” He looked at me straight in the eye, and I saw sadness in them.

“Jjong…”

“I should have never agreed to the date, anyway.”

“Why?”

“Yoona already said ‘yes.’” My eyes widened a bit, my mouth gaping a little. “S-Since when?”

I just stared below, playing with my fingers as he narrated how this past Friday, Yoona came to see him and they had a date, where our class Queen Bee agreed to be my best friend’s girlfriend. He talked and talked, and even without looking at him I could hear how cheery his voice was.

“Um… congrats then.” I raised my head a bit, and stared at those deep brown eyes which are glowing with happiness, “finally you got what you want. Best wishes to you.”

“Apparently, the reason why I am telling you this is,” he placed a hand on my shoulder, not breaking the eye contact, “I want to tell you sorry. I just… You…” he huffed, searching his mind for words to say, maybe to avoid hurting me as much as possible.

“You’re just a sister to me.”

“Sister?” I choked, forcing a cackle to come from my throat, “you must be kidding me. I’m your brother.” I held up my fist for our usual brofist, but he held and enveloped my small fist and put it down. “Jiwon…”

“You’re annoying aren’t you?” I poked out my tongue and winked, “you should have told me earlier, yesterday maybe. Then I could have at least not expected to have a date with you.”

“Jiwon…”

“My name’s pretty, isn’t it?” I ran my fingers through my hair, in an attempt to hide at least an eye to hide the pooling tears, “you kept on saying it today.”

“Ji—“

“If ever you weren’t injured, are you still planning to date me even if you have a girlfriend?”

“To be honest, I was planning to tell you that while we are dating.”

Silence.

“Jiwon I’m sorry—“

“Wae?” I laughed, wiping the tear that fell from my eye, “you chose the person you like. Is that bad? But Jjong, you could just tell me over the phone. No need to have me going into our date just to hear the happy news. People may think that you’re dating me for real.” I glanced on my watch, and acted like I was shocked at the time. “Jjong, sorry. I gotta go for now. Mom really asked me to run an errand, and I think I’m kinda late.” I lied.

“Could we talk this over, even just for 5 minutes?” he looked at me with those pleading eyes, which I readily avoided and just gave him a pat on the shoulder. “I’m going bro. Get well soon!” I raced out from the room, ignoring the shout of my name from his room. I ran out of that house, and I kept on running until I got exhausted. I am not sure if it is sweat or tears dripping down my cheeks, or the raindrops that suddenly fell down from the merciful sky.

But I never got tired loving him.

He tried. He tried very hard. He tried so hard to get me to talk to him. He kept on bugging me when I was taking down notes, joining me on the solitary corner of the school cafeteria where I always eat alone, suddenly tugging my blazer as I talk with others during group works… He joked, he pleaded, he did everything he could do for me just to say a word.

But I didn’t.

It hurts too much. Seeing him sing songs during his mini performances during breaks under the tree, with Yoona lying her head on his shoulder. Overhearing from our classmates and schoolmates how the two of them looked very cute. Him being very busy to prepare various gifts to give to Yoona.

During the time he was courting her, his time for me gradually lessened. He spent more time with his fellow popular kids, which are all Yoona’s friends. I saw him in a different light; he was still the same pure Jonghyun I met, only that he shone a brighter light; his smile was a lot more real  when he was with Yoona, he even got more famous, and I felt left out in the dark.

That was during the courting stage, and the moment they were together, I saw them as a power couple. Yoona had great grades and she could dance; I couldn’t do anything besides achieving average grades and hanging out with Jonghyun. Jonghyun had been my life for nearly 8 months