January 13 2009

Dear Luhan,

The saying "Take it day by day" becomes dangerous for me. There's no future or any real goal to it. It sets you up to fail. I say this from my experiences. Everyday, I simply exist. That's what I believe that quote is saying. All you think about is that day, there is no future or yesterday. Just live day by day. And since I follow this, and not by choice, my life is ed. And the reason why I say it's by choice is because I unconsciously conditioned my self into that lifestyle. 

I exist. I only exist right now with my thoughts. I don't see myself existing tomorrow. 

Maybe if I start telling you my story, you might begin to understand me. 

Sullen numbness engulfs me. I live with shame and guilt, but most of the time I don't feel anything at all. Even as a child, I never cared to feel anything because it was easier not to. And because of that I never took anything seriously, even when my mom constantly nagged at ne for that. 

Which brings back another story. My mother when I was about 13 from cancer, since then ny father never returns home. And despite all the money we make we only have enough for necessary stuff. Plus , I noticed that my stuff and money goes missing. He acts strange and barely talks to me.

Strangely, all that never bothered me after my mom passed.

You know that saying, "What kills me, makes me feel alive."? That's absolutely true.

I smoke cigarettes to feel the smoke devor my lungs and I like the place my where my fingers touch the back of my throat to feel the satisfaction of throwing up. And more.

Honestly, I'm a simple dude.

Well, that's it for now.

Talk to you later,

Xiumin.

...

a/n: short, but this is an intro