Jongin is jolted awake when someone bumps into his knee. He hears a quick murmur of apology and before he can even lift his face, that person is gone. He sits up straighter, moves his leg so it doesn’t cause any further obstruction to the narrow aisle, and checks on his younger sister, fast asleep in the seat next to him. Her window is covered, but through someone else’s, he notices that the sun is up high now, which means they will be arriving soon. It was still dark when they departed.

 

A thousand thoughts run through his mind right then. He doesn’t quite know what to expect when he finally arrives. After all it has been more than half a decade since he left his homeland. He holds on to the book that he intended to finish during the flight, but gave up after a couple of pages when everyone dimmed the lights, and stares ahead blankly.

 

“Is everything good, sir?” a flight attendant who he didn’t notice is walking by the aisle asks. He shakes his head in response and gives her a smile, but continues to brood over her question even after she has walked away.

 

KE018 lands at Incheon International Airport half an hour later, and as Jongin and his sister step out of the arrival gate where no one awaits them, he realizes that he’s not completely sure of himself.

 

 

 

 

 

He glanced up at the low-hanging sky.

 

The clouds looked particularly closer to earth today that it seemed like he could grab them if he just reached out his hand. He didn’t, though, and kept his hands shoved inside the pockets of his slacks. Just then, the bus pulled up in front of him.

 

Jongin scanned his card and made his way straight to the backseat, where she was. He sat as quietly and carefully as he could so he wouldn’t wake her up. He pulled out his earphones from his bag and closed his eyes as the music travelled into his ears, but soon he felt a hand removing the one in his left ear. When he opened his eyes again, the earbud was in hers.

 

“Good morning,” she murmured before he could ask, beaming.

 

The bus made another stop. At the same time, he returned her smile and tilted his head at her direction so the earphones wouldn’t be too strained. She did the same, and they stayed like that until they reached their stop, where she returned the earbud.

 

He got up before she did and was the first to descend from the bus, then waited for her. The sky was brighter now, but the clouds still looked reachable. When he returned his gaze at her, she was just scanning her card. Smiling, he held out a hand and called her name, to which she looked up.

 

“Soojung.”

 

She landed with a leap on both her feet, and took his hand.

 

 

 

Soojung placed a chocolate milk carton on his desk as she pulled out and turned the chair opposite him around so she could sit facing him. It was Jaebum’s seat, but he was too used to her coming by and sitting there during recess, that he wouldn’t fuss about it even when he returned. He preferred to spend the break time at the cafeteria, anyway.

 

In her hand was a can of milk coffee, and Jongin made a face. “Aren’t you still too young to drink coffee?”

 

“Aren’t you already too old to drink milk?” she returned the question in the same manner and tone as him. Letting go of his pen, he chuckled and pushed the straw to puncture through the foil covered hole. “You’re not eating?”

 

He shook his head in response. “I haven’t finished my essay,” he answered, then took a long sip of his milk while Soojung pulled open a bag of cheese bread. It was his favourite. Before he could even think about asking for a bite, she held it out for him.

 

She craned her neck as she tried to read his handwriting upside down but quickly gave up. “Were you working till late again last night?”

 

“Yeah, lots of people last night so they asked me to help out,” he mumbled in between chewing and picked up his pen again.

 

She scrunched her face, an expression she’d pull when she disapproved of something. “But Jo—”

 

“It’s my duty,” he cut her off, knowing what she was going to say.

 

“You’re just a high school student.”

 

“I’m also responsible towards my mother.” He gave her a smile, meaning to reassure but she wasn’t. “I know you worry too much sometimes, but you don’t need to worry about me, Soojung. Or maybe you need to because I might not be able to finish writing this essay if you keep distracting me.”

 

Soojung stared at him in defeat. From the corners of his eyes, he could see that she was biting her lip to resist herself from talking more but he kept his focus on his unfinished homework. After a while, she exhaled a sigh, pulled out a comic book from Jaebum’s desk (he always had them) and started reading it quietly.

 

Jongin knew that she meant well, but he still thought that some personal matters should be handled by him alone although his personal matters were no secret to her. In fact, almost the whole neighbourhood was quite aware of his household. A happy ending was not quite for his parents. After the messy divorce which resulted in the father leaving for another town, his mother turned to drugs for some sort of relief. Obviously it didn’t turn out well, and she had been going back and forth between their small two-bedroom home and the rehab.

 

The owner of a barbecue restaurant not far from their house, a middle school friend of Jongin’s mother, was well aware of their situation and tried lending a hand as much as possible by hiring Jongin, but he was also aware it was wrong for a high school student to serve alcohol as a job. It put them in a tight spot, but as the only breadwinner of the household, he knew how desperate Jongin was to make money and he could not just turn a blind eye.

 

Jongin looked up at Soojung, and while tapping on the bottom of the milk carton using the straw, he nudged her foot lightly. She flicked her eyes at him, and they both smiled.

 

 

 

 

 

“Kim Jongin?”

 

He looks up and finds a man standing in front of him, taller and tanner than he is. The man’s sleeves are folded up to his knees and his tie is slightly loosened. He seems to be in his early 30s, but without the dark shadows under his eyes he would probably look younger. For a brief moment Jongin wonders if he would look the same way within five years later.

 

“I’ve been assigned to mentor you,” the man adds. Hearing that, Jongin instantly springs to his feet, but when he’s about to give to him a polite bow, the older guy places a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry for my tardiness on your first day. Got caught up in the traffic on my way from the bank,” he rambles on, telling him about what he did there and how his mornings are usually like. The details are rather unnecessary, but Jongin listens intently.

 

His first day of internship technically began over an hour ago, but after he was shown to his desk by the secretary, he has yet to receive any tasks or even be given any briefings. At least now he knows why.

 

The man later introduces himself as Ok Taecyeon, the company’s only accountant who started working here 5 years ago. He explains both his job scopes and Jongin’s who will be working under him, but also clarifies that as an intern, Jongin would only need to handle the measly and trivial errands. Jongin also learns later that Taecyeon moves and gets his work done as fast as he does talking, which is why no one in the office complains about the noise though some do tell him off occasionally.

 

The office itself is not really a big one. It is a small design company built up by the petite but extremely smart Kwon Boa and her partner who left a couple of years ago to venture into another field. They still stay in contact and maintain their friendship, and he would come by sometimes as reported by Taecyeon. Thanks to his mentor, Jongin learns about the company’s history and every person in the office’s personal life in one morning. He hasn’t even done a single work for the day, but he thinks his brain might already overload with all the excessive information.

 

Taecyeon leaves Jongin alone after giving him a photocopying task to do some arguing with the boss, as worded by his truly. Jongin is more than glad, truthfully, and enjoys the buzzing sound that the machine makes. He also takes the chance to study his new workplace more properly. Besides Taecyeon, there are five other people Jongin can now call his colleagues, but everyone is so awfully busy and keeps running around as well as in and out of office that he thinks he won’t be surprised if they forgot about the new addition to the team the next day.

 

Jongin only dares to slip out of the office for lunch once everyone else has left. He finds a spot at a convenience store a block away from his office, and fishes out his phone to check his messages while waiting for his noodles. It’s been set on silent and non-vibrate mode all morning, and with the anxiety of his first day of internship added, he completely forgot the phone has been in his pocket all along.

 

He finds a text from her sister asking if she needs to prepare dinner for only one person in case he doesn’t make it out alive, and looks at the clock. Guessing that it’s also her break time, he types out a reply and doesn’t forget to ask if she’s made friends already. Ha-in is four years younger than him, too mature for her own good and claimed that she doesn’t need friends after she came home from her first day at university. Jongin think she’s just shy, perhaps doubtful as well that no one is interested to befriend the quiet girl who just returned from overseas.

 

A chorus of greeting echoes as a new customer enters the store just in time as he’s finished typing, reminding him of how hungry he actually is. Setting down his phone, he picks up his pair of chopsticks to stir the noodles, now cooked, and starts digging in. At the cashier counter, he hears the part-timer scanning whatever things the customer is buying before announcing the amount due. He glances up at them and stares at the customer’s back. Long chestnut hair, average height, slender figure. He can spot a milk coffee can in the plastic bag.

 

His stomach churns.

 

 

 

The double doors come to a close the moment both of his feet land inside the train, and seconds later, the vehicle starts to move, dragging itself away from the platform.

 

Jongin exhales in relief and glances at his watch out of habit. He would have to wait for at least another 4 minutes for the next train to arrive if he had missed this one, and he barely has any to spare now to make it to the office in time. Being late on his second day is definitely not on his bucket list ever, especially when he’s only an intern.

 

As he is pulling out his pair of earphones out of his backpack, something else gets pulled along and drops on the floor, landing near his right heel with a loud clank. It’s his set of old house keys which he keeps as a keepsake. Attached with it is a keychain made by Soojung in her Living Skills class, a small hand carved figurine of a green faced boy that’s supposed to be Jongin. She never told him what grade she received for it.

 

He’s still struggling with the zipper of the backpack, his tangled earphones and keeping balance in the moving train when someone else bends down to pick it up for him. He smiles, mumbling his word of gratitude, and holds out a hand to take the keys back.

 

But then the girl raises her face and meets his eyes. All clocks stop ticking at once and he is suddenly deported back to his old neighbourhood.

 

 

 

 

 

16-year-old Jongin asked Soojung out in the art room, the day their homeroom teacher asked for their help to rearrange the easels because the last class that used the room did not bother to do so. It wasn’t entirely romantic, and he hadn’t planned it at all.

 

“You know, you’re not as bad as I first thought you were,” she told him after he came back from the school’s convenience store with drinks.

 

He handed her a can of milk coffee, something he noticed she liked to drink, and they pulled out two stools and sat facing the window. “What did you think I was like?” he asked.

 

She smiled at him and held the can tightly in her palms. “I kind of thought you were not interested in class. I mean, your seat is right at the back and you’re always dozing off. We weren’t even close then, but all of a sudden Mrs Yoon asked me for a favour to help you study since you were falling behind, so I naturally had that impression. But then I found out about your story, and here we are.”

 

“Were you disappointed that I did not turn out to be one of those cool and mysterious dudes in movies?”

 

“Extremely,” Soojung deadpanned and chuckled afterwards. He laughed with nudged her shoulder with his, then took a long drag of his chocolate milk. She looked at him. “It’s a good kind of surprise.”

 

Outside, the sky was already changing colours as the sun slowly made its way down for the day. Jongin didn’t notice how much time he’d spent with her here until now, as well as how much time they had spent together since she started tutoring him. She was staring ahead when he turned his gaze at her. The orange and velvety sky casted a glow on her face that makes her look like a doll on display at shop windows.

 

Right then, Jongin felt his heart swelling. He could never pinpoint the exact moment where he fell in love with Soojung for the first time. In between sharing a joke while studying and riding the same bus home together, he realized his feelings for her had blossomed into something else far beyond his control. Looking at her now, he thought that this moment was as good as the first.

 

“Soojung,” he uttered her name carefully, as if he was balancing a glass jar on the tip of his finger. She looked over at him and tilted her head as she waited for him to say more. He lowered his eyes. “All you see now, everything you know of me, that’s all I am. I can’t make an offer to take you to some nice restaurant for a fancy dinner, and because of my situation, I can’t even promise that I can drop everything and run to you when you call. But I can offer to work hard so I can buy you as many milk coffees as you want, and I can promise that I will do my best to put a smile on your face. This is all I am. If it is enough for you, Soojung, will you go out with me?”

 

After he finished talking, he dared himself to return his gaze at her. Soojung stared at him long and hard. Neither of them said a single word. The sun continued to sink lower, and the room began to grow dimmer by the second. For the briefest second he wondered if they were the only ones left in the school. Then, she leaned forward and kissed him. Jongin was too flustered to do anything, but he saw that she had her eyes closed, so he did the same and got rid of all of his thoughts.

 

When they parted, she gave him a smile as soft her kiss was. “What do you take me for?” she asked, and instead of answering, he kissed her again.

 

 

 

 

 

Long chestnut hair, eyes of a similar colour, petal-like lips. She looks almost the same as she did seven years ago when he fell in love with her all over again in the art room.

 

He doesn’t know what to say. Looking back, he never really did. The longest speech he has ever made in his life is probably when he spoke to her in the art room. His mouth opens and closes repeatedly. In the end, it’s Soojung who takes his hand places his keys there.

 

“You still keep that,” she says.

 

Why wouldn’t he? Jongin wants to ask her, but he’s not in the place to ask something like that. “Yeah,” he instead replies. His hand curls around the keys.

 

“It’s been a while, Kim Jongin.”

 

 

 

 

 

17-year-old Jongin received a call when he was filling up someone’s car at the petrol station where he was working part-time. The pay wasn’t much but it was enough for Ha-in’s lunch money and other things a girl her age would need, and the manager let him do his homework when there was no customer around. He pressed the phone against his ear after the car wheeled away.

 

“Jongin, you need to come.” Dr Choi’s voice was stern, and immediately he sensed the urgency in her tone. This was not his first time receiving a call from her.

 

It didn’t take long for him to reach the facilitation centre. He found the doctor on the third floor standing outside a certain room. She gave him an empathetic look and straightaway he understood what happened.

 

“Her friend came back. You know, the one from before. He went to see her at workplace, and apparently she managed to get him chased out somehow, but he waited outside.”

 

Jongin looked at his mother who was sitting on a bed with her knees to her chest. His entire life, his mother had always been thin, but now she appeared to be especially skinny and frail. All skin and bones. She probably was staring out the window because she rested her head sideways on her knees. He wondered what she was thinking about. He wondered if she was thinking at all.

 

“She can’t be here any longer, Jongin. You need to take her away from Seoul. Start a new life in a place where nobody knows her and nobody who knows her can find her.”

 

His trembling fingers curled into fists at his both sides. “I understand,” he murmured, although he was still only trying to be.

 

Soojung was trying as hard as he was, more or less, when he told her about it that night over the phone. Her voice broke as she repeated the exact same words to him, but even louder than that, he heard her heart. The glass jar he was balancing ultimately dropped to the ground, shattering into a million minuscule pieces.

 

 

 

 

 

Jongin lets himself get distracted with the stack of log history and other documents that Taecyeon has piled up for him and runs errands for everyone else without a word.

 

At least, that’s what he attempts to do all day. Half an hour to noon, Yeeun catches him wasting three papers at the photocopy machine because he accidentally hit the wrong button while staring off into the space. Yeeun is in charge of Digital Designing, four years his senior at the company, and extremely opinionated according to Taecyeon, but Jongin thinks it’s just because she’s the one who always tells him to shut up. He’s still trying to figure out how to stop the machine in between panicking when she comes.

 

“Daydreaming? Boss wouldn’t be happy to know,” she says as she hands him the papers.

 

“I—I’m sorry.” He’s all flustered and almost loses grip of them. Getting caught making such a silly mistake on his second day of internship is definitely on his list either.

 

Seeing him like this, Yeeun chuckles. “I’m just joking,” she tells him, and starts patting his back when the creases in Jongin’s forehead do not fade away. “Something wrong? Is this job stressing you out? Or is it Taecyeon? He talks too much, doesn’t he? You don’t look like much a talker.”

                                                                                                                                                

He shakes his head and tries to crack a smile. “No, no, it’s not that,” he returns. Jongin lifts his gaze to meet his senior’s eyes, wondering where to begin or if he should even begin at all. No one’s ever told him whether it’s appropriate to discuss personal matters with his superior. He doesn’t think it is, but before he could reach a decision, she speaks again.

 

“Personal stuff? It’s alright, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” She offers him a smile, then glances at her wristwatch. “It’s almost lunch hour. Go have a nice break and eat something good. I’ll tell Taecyeon I sent you on an errand.”

 

She winks before turning on her heels and walks back to her desk, while Jongin continues to stay there, watching her the way he watched Soojung wordlessly this morning.

 

“I’m very happy to know that you’re still alive and well, but you still owe me an explanation,” she told him. He blinked, at the same time trying to force a word out of his mouth. “Not now, of course,” she added, then pressed a small card onto his palm. Seconds later, the train halted at a station, and Soojung strode out.

 

He slips a hand into his pocket and fishes out the card, where her contact details are written, along with his phone. Biting his lower lip, he punches in her number and starts typing out a message.

 

Let’s meet.

 

 

 

 

 

18-year-old Jongin stood in the cold, overlooking the dark water below him. The sky was as a blank canvas with not a single star. Instead, the dim street lights took their place to illuminate the town.

 

He didn’t forget to wash his hands before heading out earlier, but there were still residues of the red stain under his fingernails. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his washed out navy hoodie, out of his vision, and leaned slightly over the railing.

 

For a second, he wondered how it would feel like to slip into the icy hollow depths of the river in the middle of a winter night. Soojung tried to teach him swimming back then, but he never quite mastered it. Would he be able to at least wade back to the river bank, or would the chilliness pierce right into his body and freeze all of his organs before he can do so?

 

That thought circled around in Jongin’s mind. His eyelids threatened to shut right then and there, heavy from exhaustion. He felt so, so tired.

 

At that exact moment, his phone buzzed in his pocket, so he took it out. The bright light from the screen hurt his eyes at first, but he adjusted quickly. It was a message from Ha-in, asking his whereabouts. He imagined her terrified face, all alone at the hospital where 14-year-old girls like her don’t belong. What was he doing out here?

 

He snapped back into reality, and ran back to his sister with all his might.

 

 

 

 

 

They arranged to meet at a café which happened to be near his workplace. After clocking out of his office for the day, he makes his way briskly to the promised place.

 

Jongin picks a table slightly tucked away from people’s vision to allow more privacy for them, but then mulls over his choice in case he runs out of things to say. He fixes his tie and adjusts his folded sleeves over and over, wanting to look presentable but at the same time wondering if he looks too formal. It would be a lie to say that he never imagined meeting Soojung again, but he never once thought about how he should dress for the occasion.

 

He wraps his hands around the mug of piping hot coffee for warmth. Then, he hears a chorus of greetings by the staff, so he whirls his head around. His stomach starts churning at the sight of her, but he decides to ignore it and raises his hand to catch her attention.

 

“Hello.” He spent the whole time walking from his office thinking what he should say to her, since he figured simply greeting her like an old friend wouldn’t be appropriate. In the end, he settles with the most generic one.

 

Now that he’s able to see her properly, he realizes how much she’s grown. Wearing a beige coloured blouse, slacks and heels, she looks every bit of an adult. Her eyes are different too, no longer soft and guileless like before, but wiser and somehow tired. Is this how adults are supposed to look like? He shifts uncomfortably and takes a sip of his drink.

 

“You drink coffee now,” Soojung points out. “You couldn’t handle even one drop back then.”

 

“Yeah, over the years I learned to drink it,” he explains, setting the mug back down.

 

“Already there’s something about you that has changed over the years.” The corners of her lips curl, forming a bitter smile. She lowers her gaze, and for a moment it’s quiet. Jongin bites his lower lip. “Are you working now?”

 

He nods. “I just started my internship at a design company called Cultureic—it’s a small company and still fairly new, so you probably haven’t heard of it.”

 

“How’s Ha-in? She’s…19 now?”

 

“Yeah.” He nods again, a little touched that she remembers that much. Then again, Soojung has always been thoughtful, so he thinks he shouldn’t be too surprised. “She’s a first year in university now.”

 

“God, how much time has passed,” she says in a low voice, as though it’s more of a monologue than directed to him. She brushes a stray hair away, but more fall back and cover a portion of her face.

 

He notices the way she has her lips pressed tightly together. He wants to say something that can comfort her, but at this point everything will come off as an excuse to her. Perhaps he is too cautious, but he doesn’t want to anything that is meaningless because Soojung doesn’t deserve any of it. Unable to search for the right words to say, he hangs his head low.

 

“Jongin, I think—” she begins again, voice slightly too urgent. “I think I can’t do this. I just—I’m sorry.” Then she gets up in the same manner and immediately walks away.

 

He clenches and unclenches his fist under the table, frustrated at both the situation and at himself. At last, he sets out for her. Fortunately, she’s still within his sight when he exits the café. He sprints towards her and grabs a hold of her wrist to stop her on her track. She does, and turns around to face him. “Soojung, I—“

 

“No, we—I can’t—I mean… Is this really you? God, Jongin, I—” she pauses, looking around as if to find the right words. He can hear the tremble in her voice, and purses his lips inwards. “There are so many questions I want to ask you; they piled up over the years, I don’t even know where to begin. Where have you been? What happened to you? Why couldn’t anyone find you? You know, I looked for you. I searched everywhere for you. You promised you’d come back on graduation day. I waited for you the whole day. Why didn’t you come? Jongin, what on earth—”

 

Her eyes are moist, but all he can do is simply wait for her to finish. That’s the least he can do for her now, after what he has done to her in the past. He doesn’t even dare to meet her eyes.

 

“Let me just go, Jongin,” she says in the end.

 

He finally looks at her. Soojung seems so confused and maybe even angry. He doesn’t blame her for feeling that way, so he lets go of her wrist. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Yeah, I’m sorry too.”

 

 

 

 

 

Before moving away, he made a promise to return on the graduation day to be with Soojung.

 

Jongin hung up a calendar on the wall of his new room and eagerly counted down the days. He even took extra part-time jobs so he can purchase a certain necklace he had set his eyes on while passing by the store on his way to and from school every day.

 

His mother made the jump a week before that very day, and sent his life into a spiral. Jongin had always been patient, especially when dealing with his mother. But that particular day, he exploded because he found her at the bar again, in broad daylight, with pills in her hands and undoubtedly in her system as well.

 

He was so exhausted of this routine and her promises that she never kept, so he told her everything. For once, he let it all out instead of burying everything down like he normally would, hoping that it would trigger something in her. It did.

 

That same afternoon, she jumped out of their tiny apartment through the balcony, leaving behind a short note for her son. I will not be your burden anymore. Her final lie.

 

 

 

 

 

When he returns to the company after a trip to the bank with Taecyeon, he finds a familiar face waiting for him at the sofa meant for clients.

 

“Yo,” is the first word Jaebum says after 7 years to greet a mildly stunned Jongin. “There’s that face I haven’t seen in a long time.”

 

“Jaebum? What are you doing here?”

 

He shrugs leisurely, the same way he would back then when Jongin asked him about homework, and flashes a boyish grin that used to make the girls in their school go weak in the knees. At least there’s one person who hasn’t changed that much. “Came to see you, obviously. Words got around that you’re here.”

 

Jongin’s eyebrows crease in confusion. It’s been a week since that meeting with Soojung. Except for her, he has not come in contact with anyone from his previous high school. Was it her?

 

“Now you’re hurting my feelings. Were you planning on not seeing me again ever?”

 

He shakes his head hastily. “No, I mean, I just—”

 

Jaebum gives a light punch on his arm. “Just pulling your leg, Jongin. Now I can’t even joke with you?”

 

“I don’t mean that,” Jongin says, rubbing the back of his neck with his palm.

 

“I know you don’t.” Jaebum smiles, then glances around the office. “I just wanted to see you with my own eyes, I guess. I mean, nobody knew where you were, so… Well, I think I shouldn’t keep you around any longer. I’m sorry for dropping by so suddenly.” He gets to his feet and gives a two-finger salute. “See you.”

 

Jongin manages to stop him when Jaebum moves past him to head out towards the door. “You didn’t come here just to visit, did you?”

 

Jaebum smiles again a little too casually as he shoves his hands into his pockets. “No, I didn’t.”

 

“Um, do you…” Jongin trails off, stealing a quick glance at his superior. “Do you want to meet up for a drink later?”

 

“A drink sounds good.”

 

“Okay. So, where, uh, how do we…”

 

“Oh, right.” Jaebum reaches for his back pocket to take out his wallet, and hands Jongin his card. “I’ll come back in the evening. I have things to do in this area anyway, so don’t worry. If I finish early I’ll just wait for you outside or somewhere nearby. Then you can give me a call.”

 

“Okay,” Jongin says again. He watches Jaebum until the latter disappears behind the door, then continues to stare at it until he hears Taecyeon calling his name.

 

 

 

They end up going to a street stall near the subway entrance. Claiming that he’s hungry, Jaebum orders too many plates of snacks even for two grown men. Jongin chews on a rice cake slowly and watches as the former fills up their glasses with soju.

 

“Soojung and I actually stayed in touch after high school,” Jaebum begins all of a sudden without looking at him. “Somehow she got this idea in her head that if you were to contact anyone, it would be me. Well, obviously she turned out to be wrong.”

 

“Jaebum, I—”

 

“I’m not on anyone’s side, you know. Not Soojung’s, not yours. Can you honestly tell me, if you consider me your friend at all, what actually happened to you?”

 

Clenching his jaw, Jongin tightens his grip on the glass before downing the drink. Its bitterness feels like there are a thousand pins piercing through his throat. He never liked alcohol and can never get used to it, but he thinks he needs it in his system tonight just as a kick-start so he can borrow some courage in order to talk to Jaebum.

 

He inhales deeply, then begins to speak. “To tell you the truth, I lost all confidence after moving away.”

 

“What do you mean?” Jaebum asks, eyebrows knitting in a mixture of genuine concern and confusion.

 

Jongin’s lips form the slightest of smile. He looks away and keeps silent at first, but then he starts telling Jaebum everything without leaving out a single detail. How hopeful he had been when they first moved, how frightened he was deep inside, how angry he was at his mother, how guilty he felt after that, how lost, how confused, how frustrated he was.

 

“My father came to the funeral. I guess he felt responsible for us, I don’t know, but he couldn’t keep us around since he had a new family already. He offered to send us to study overseas. I wasn’t going to accept it but I thought of Ha-in, so we went. It was really hard. I lived with guilt every day and had nightmares every night. I still get them now, but not as often as before, at least. But I could bear it all because of my sister.”

 

For a moment, neither of them says anything. Jaebum’s eyes flick back and forth from his empty glass to Jongin, stunned. “Jongin, I just—wow,” he exhales. Creases form on his forehead. “What didn’t you tell us about any of these?”

 

“I couldn’t. Isn’t it obvious? At that point, I had nothing left of me. No confidence, no courage. I didn’t think I even had right to meet her.  Even if I did, I just couldn’t bring myself to face her.”

 

“Is that how much trust you had in her?”

 

“That’s how much pride I had left. It was selfish of me, but I wanted to her last memory of me to be a good one.”

 

“Jongin, Soojung, she—” Jaebum struggles to get the words out. “She’s getting married.”

 

“Oh,” is all Jongin manages as a response. What else can he say? After disappearing on her for years, what right does he have to say anything?

 

Jaebum gapes at him as he stuffs his mouth with all the food on the table until he gets choked up, and the former pours him another drink. For the first time in his life, Jongin thinks the bitter aftertaste of soju in his mouth and the way his mind gradually blanks out feel strangely good. So this is why people drink, he muses quietly in his head. He finishes three bottles that night and doesn’t remember how he gets home.

 

 

 

The rest of the first month of Jongin’s internship passes by quietly. He buries himself with work while putting up with his superiors’ demands to keep his mind from wandering elsewhere. He almost succeeds, and thinks his life is going back to normal, whatever normal was for him, until Soojung shows up in front of his office.

 

He is just leaving for the day, all prepared to dive into his bed as soon as he makes it home, when he catches the sight of her leaning against the wall. She’s bundled up in a light beige jacket and dark grey scarf around her neck that covers a quarter of her face. He almost missed her.

 

She blinks several times and smiles hesitantly at him. Her face is softer than the last time, more like the Soojung he spent most of his high school years with. “Jaebum told me about you,” she says.

 

“He told me about you too,” he replies. His eyes fall on the fourth finger of her left hand. It glimmers even with the lack of light, a little too bright for him. He averts his gaze away.

 

“I came because I have a question for you, and I really would like you to answer it.”

 

“Okay,” he murmurs, still unsure of what to make of the situation.

 

“When we were 18, about a week before the graduation day, I received a strange phone call late at night. I picked up, but no one spoke from the other end of the line. At first I naturally assumed it was a prank call. I waited, but that person never said anything. All I heard was the sound that person made as he breathed,” she explains. “My question is, Jongin, was that person you?”

 

They stare at each other for what feels like to him like an eternity before he cracks a small smile. “Yes, that was me,” he admits, tugging his jacket closer to his body by shoving his hands into its pockets. Soojung has always disliked the cold, he suddenly remembers, which explains why she is already dressed warmly even though autumn is just beginning. “It was the day my mother made the jump. I was still at the hospital corridor, Ha-in asleep with her head on my lap, because neither of us could bear to go back home. Unlike her, I couldn’t fall asleep. And I really wanted to hear your voice, so I called.”

 

“Why didn’t you ever let me in, Jongin?”

 

“Soojung, I was living in a blackhole. Instead of getting me out, you would only get pulled in if I kept you too close. I didn’t want you to get trapped along.”

 

Tears escape her eyes and run down her cheeks. He wants to reach his hands out and wipe them away for her, maybe even hold her in his embrace, but he restrains himself. His hands hover instead hopelessly at his sides as he tries to suppress the swell in his chest. He spent the last 7 years learning to live with her, and at one point he felt that maybe he could do it after all. But now she’s right here standing right in front of him, he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do anymore.

 

Soojung takes two steps towards him, narrowing the gap between them, and takes his hands in hers like she wants to comfort him. He’s the one who should be comforting her. “I missed you so much, Jongin, every day,” she says softly.

 

“I missed you too, Soojung. You have no idea.”

 

She smiles bitterly and rests her head on his chest. Feeling his shirt soaked with her tears, Jongin’s hand travels to find the back of her head, the other on her back pulling her closer, and rests his chin on her head.

 

“I was there that day. Graduation day, I mean. I boarded the train, stared out the window anxiously yet excitedly, and bought flowers on my way. White daisies—they were your favourite, weren’t they? Then I took the bus to school, the one we used to take every morning, and listened to the songs we used to listen. I tried to picture your face when you see me. Would you be more delighted when you see the flowers? I thought about a lot of things as I sat in the bus, and it was all you. Then, when I finally arrived in front of the school, I lost all courage again. Or maybe I didn’t even have them in the first place. For the longest time, I stood in front of the gate. I guess I was afraid, because I didn’t dare step in. Of what, I didn’t actually know. Maybe I thought I’d be betraying my mother if I did. Everytime I tried to imagine your face, I would think of her instead. I could neither take a step forward nor back. My heart hurt so much that I suddenly couldn’t breathe, and I collapsed right there and then.

 

When I woke up, I found myself in a hospital. Ha-in was crying by my side, saying how terrified she was she might lose me too. That’s when I snapped out of it, and decided to let go.”

 

After he finishes, he’s overcome with relief all of a sudden, as though the weight on his shoulders he’s been bearing all these years have finally been removed. On the other hand, Soojung continues to sob quietly onto his shirt, and Jongin lets her.

 

It takes her a while to stop crying, and when she does, she takes a step back and bravely lifts her gaze to meet his. She buries the lower part of her face in her scarf again. Her eyes are red, just like the exposed part of her face, but the corners of slowly curl into a smile. He recalls his promise bitterly. He said he would make her smile, didn’t he? He didn’t mean this kind of smile.

 

“I’m leaving,” she murmurs the smallest of voice.

 

“Take care, Soojung.” He nods. “Goodbye.”

 

He barely manages to return her smile. In the background, the sun is sinking lower into the horizon, painting the world in violet and orange hues and casting a glow on her face. It reminds him of the first time they kissed in the art room. She still looks a like doll now. They stare at each other for a while, and then she turns away.

 

Just like that, Jongin bids farewell to his past.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He glances up at the low-hanging sky.

 

The clouds look so particularly closer to earth today, as if he can touch them if he just reaches out his hand. He doesn’t, though, and keeps his hands shoved inside the pockets of his slacks. Just then, the bus pulls up in front of him.

 

Jongin scans his card and makes his way straight to the empty backseat. He pulls out his earphones from his bag, closes his eyes as the music travels into his ears, and sits there quietly. There is no hand that would remove one of the earbuds this time. There will never be one anymore, he reminds himself.

 

The bus makes a stop, and he keeps his eyes closed. It’s the final day of his three-month internship. He heard talks about the company planning to hire him full time, but he doesn’t keep his hopes up. It’s better not to, he figures, because the one who would end up being disappointed is him. Right then, he feels a hand removing his right earbud. His eyes spring open in shock.

 

“Good morning.” It’s her, beaming at him so brightly like it’s the most natural thing to do.

 

“Soojung?”

 

This time, the earbud is not in her ear, but in her hand. “I thought about it a lot, Jongin,” she begins. “We spent so many years apart against our wish. Why must we spend the rest of our lives the same way, when we can choose not to?”

 

He blinks at her blankly, unable to find any word to say. At the same time, the bus makes another stop. It’s his, but she gets up before he does, scans her card and descends from the bus before anyone else. Jongin grabs his bag and makes his way to the exit.

 

He is standing on the last of the bus steps when he hears her calling his name, so he looks at her. With a smile on her face, she holds out a hand towards him. That’s when he realizes that the ring is gone.

 

“Jongin?”

 

The sky is probably brighter now, but the clouds probably still look reachable. He’s not sure, because he has his eyes fixed on her.

 

Smiling back, he lands with a leap on both his feet, something he hasn’t done in so many years, and takes her hand.