January 1st 2015

5…4…3…2…1

Jaehwan can hear the cheers from where he stands on the shore, his feet submerged in the cold water. It's New Years and Hakyeon had wanted to throw a party so Jaehwan let him even though he wasn't made to be in big crowds. Hakyeon had begged him to stay by the house until it hit midnight but Jaehwan managed to sneak away. It's calming out here by himself, more calming than a bunch of friends could ever be.

A couple minutes pass before Hakyeon joins him and Jaehwan wishes that he hadn't. Jaehwan likes being alone underneath the night sky, the stars all his.

"I found you finally!" Hakyeon yells, louder than he should being that Jaehwan was right next to him.

"Where else would I be?" Jaehwan scoffs. "I come out here every night."

Hakyeon shrugs his shoulders.

The water soaks the bottom of Jaehwan's pants even with them rolled up a bit but Jaehwan doesn't mind it. Hakyeon entwines his hand with Jaehwan's, turning Jaehwan so that they are facing each other. Jaehwan opens his mouth to ask what he wants and why he couldn't be left alone for once but Hakyeon stops anything that Jaehwan could have said by connecting their lips. Jaehwan's lips are chapped from the cold air and Hakyeon's are soft. Jaehwan doesn't respond to the kiss for a few seconds, until Hakyeon bites his bottom lip.

"New Years kiss." Hakyeon says when he pulls away and Jaehwan smiles, pulling Hakyeon into a hug. There are more cheers from the house and Hakyeon starts laughing into Jaehwan's chest. Jaehwan cracks a small smile as he rubs Hakyeon's back and a chuckle escapes his lips.

"I love you, Hakyeon."

"I love you too."

 

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January 5th 2015

The stars twinkle in the night sky, some brighter than the others. Jaehwan searches through them not quite sure what he's looking for. It's nearing midnight and with the smile that graces Jaehwan's face, no one would be able to say that he was tired. The weather is more on the colder side tonight and Jaehwan begins to wish that he bought a jacket with him. He takes a few steps away from the water so that it doesn't touch him anymore, and it's as if the tide follows him by the way it comes further back on the sand to touch him. The tide never comes this far back. His focus never leaves the stars though.

Jaehwan jumps when a jacket is thrown over his shoulders, arms winding around his waist. He smiles a bit wider. Hakyeon.

"If I knew you did this everynight, I would have never moved in with you." Hakyeon mumbles into Jaehwan's shoulder.

Jaehwan chuckles and turns around in Hakyeon's embrace, pulling Hakyeon closer to him. "Why?"

"Because it's freezing in your room when you leave me."

Jaehwan shrugged his shoulders. "The starts are beautiful though."

Jaehwan shifts his weight between his feet, rocking him and Hakyeon side to side. He looks up at the night sky again and Hakyeon sighs, pulling away from Jaehwan's hold. Hakyeon turns around and looks up at the sky with Jaehwan.

"What do you even see out here?" Hakyeon whines and Jaehwan smiles as Hakyeon grabs his hand.

"Everything."

Hakyeon ignores Jaehwan's answer, instead tugging and trying to get Jaehwan back inside their house. Jaehwan doesn't move very much though and Hakyeon gives up after a while. "Please, babe, come back to bed. It's cold and it's so late now, I know you have work in the morning."

Jaehwan glances at Hakyeon beffore taking his final look at the stars. "Fine." Jaehwan whispers and Hakyeon presses a kiss to Jaehwan's cheek before dragging him away from the shore.

~

Jaehwan groans as he rolls out of bed, considering calling in sick today but he knows that if he does that they won't get this months bills paid. He watches Hakyeon curl into a ball, feels his heart break at the sight before he gets in the shower.

~

His shift ends at noon and he cant wait to get home to Hakyeon. Hopefully Hakyeon was still in bed so that Jaehwan could go back to sleep with him.

Jaehwan leaves ten minutes early, making sure that no one saw him sneak out of the back doors. Business was slow today anyways so Jaehwan was certain he wouldn't be needed.

He tries to not speed the whole way home, also trying to keep his eyes open. He groans when he gets stopped at a red light and he checks his phone. Nothing from Hakyeon. Good, so maybe Hakyeon was still asleep. When Jaehwan gets home though, Hakyeon is already up and waiting for him.

"Babe…" Jaehwan whines, closing the front door behind him and pouting. Hakyeon chuckles. "Why are you up already? I wanted to come home and sleep with you some more."

Hakyeon pulls Jaehwan into a hug, rubbing Jaehwan's back and Jaehwan drops his head onto Hakyeon's shoulder. When Hakyeon pulls away Jaehwan lifts his head and Hakyeon kisses his cheek. "Go to bed then." Hakyeon says and Jaehwan grabs Hakyeon's wrists before he can walk away.

"You're coming with me then."

 

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January 6th 2015

"Where were you last night?" Jaehwan asks Hongbin as they stand together. "You left me out here by myself."

Hongbin shrugs. "When I got home last night I saw that you were with Hakyeon so I didn't bother."

"Why?" Jaehwan asks and he shivers as the water runs over his feet. "Hakyeon loves you."

"Hate to break it to you Jaehwan but he really doesn't." Hongbin mutters.

Jaehwan shakes his head at what Hongbin says. He sighs and closes his eyes, tries to think of a happy place but he can't because his happy place is here and now, underneath the stars. He leans into Hongbin and opens his eyes, looking at the sky. The stars are never the same so Jaehwan takes time everynight to study the ones that he can.

The thing about winter that no one likes is that it's cold out and the days are shorter. Winter was one of Jaehwan's favorite seasons because there was more time at night to watch the stars.

Jaehwan pulls his phone out of his pocket to check the time. 12:34 AM. Hakyeon should be coming out to get him soon.

Jaehwan shoves his phone back in his pocket and rests his head on Hongbin's shoulder. Hongbin's body stiffens and Jaehwan furrows his eyebrows. He doesn't relax for about a minute and Jaehwan wants to ask why, always wants to ask why Hongbin stiffens when Jaehwan touches him, but he doesn't. It's not his place to.

In the distance he hears a door slam shut and he knows it's Hakyeon coming out to get him. The same door slams shut again after a few seconds. Hakyeon never came for him.

 

 

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January 17th 2015

The stars look cloudy through the window in Jaehwan's room and he sighs, looking back at Hakyeon. He's sound asleep and Jaehwan honestly doesn't understand why he couldn't go to the shore tonight. He'd already tried sneaking out once, actually just a few minutes ago, but Hakyeon had somehow heard him and told him to stay. Jaehwan sighed and sat back down on the floor by his side of the bed. Hakyeon was sleeping in his spot, hand on his shoulder to make sure he didn't leave. Jaehwan presses a soft kiss to Hakyeon's hand before looking back out of the window.

He thought about opening it but the cold air outside would disturb Hakyeon and he would have to close it anyways. Going to bed was an option seeing as how he always takes the morning shifts (why is something he hasn't exactly figured out) but he wasn't tired. He was never tired at night anymore.

Hakyeon stirs in his sleep but doesn't move his hand from Jaehwan's shoulder and Jaehwan hears him sigh.

"I thought you were asleep." Jaehwan says, looking back at Hakyeon and Hakyeon sits up with one hand behind him supporting his weight.

"I thought you would be in bed by now. It's nearly one in the morning" Hakyeon mutters.

"I'm not tired though." Jaehwan rests his head against the bed and Hakyeon runs a hand through his hair, Jaehwan groaning at the feeling. "Please sit with me."

Hakyeon doesn't say anything as he leaves the bed, sitting on the hard floor with Jaehwan. His eyes fight to stay open and he ends up closing them in the end, resting his head on Jaehwan's shoulder. Jaehwan runs a hand through Hakyeon's hair and Hakyeon scoots a little closer to him. Jaehwan sighs and smiles, this feels nice. It feels right.

"What's your dream?" Jaehwan asks and Hakyeon shrugs his shoulders.

"To go to bed with you at an appropriate time." Hakyeon mutters and Jaehwan pulls on his hair gently, no sting behind it.

"That's not a real dream."

"Being a dancer." Hakyeon sighs and Jaehwan nods his head. He already knows why Hakyeon isnt following his dream, because it won't pay the bills. Jaehwan's been there before.

"Can we please go to bed now? You're going to be half asleep at work."

Jaehwan nods his head and Hakyeon stands up, falling back onto Jaehwan's side of the bed. Jaehwan chuckles and lays down on Hakyeon's side, Hakyeon curling up in Jaehwan's embrace.

 

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February 13th 2015

It's silent on the bus, Hongbin sleeping next to Jaehwan and there was no one else but them. Their stop was the next one but it wasn't for a couple of minutes. Hongbin shifts in his seat, resting his head on Jaehwan's shoulder. Jaehwan hopes that he is a better pillow than the window.

Jaehwan's phone vibrates in his back pocket for the fifth time in ten minutes and he sighs. He knows it's only Hakyeon being worried about him but five texts in ten minutes was a bit much. He's already told Hakyeon where he was going but clearly that wasn't enough. Jaehwan doesn't check his phone though, leaving it in his back pocket.

"Hongbin..." Jaehwan whispers, shaking Hongbin gently to wake him up. It was only eight pm but Hongbin must have gotten no sleep last night. "Time to get off the bus."

Hongbin groans, lifting his head from Jaehwan's shoulder. Jaehwan smiles at the pout on Hongbin's face and chuckles when Hongbin tries to rub his eyes but hits his hand on his camera. Hongbin struggles to keep his eyes open and Jaehwan thinks it's the cutest thing he's ever seen.

"We're almost home." Jaehwan says and Hongbin nods his head.

When the bus comes to a stop Jaehwan has to drag Hongbin up from his seat. The bus driver wishes them a good night before they get off and Jaehwan smiles. They have to walk down a street to get home which isn't bad at all. As they walk, Hongbin drifts over to Jaehwan until he gets to close and then takes a couple of steps away from Jaehwan.

"Why are you so tired already?" Jaehwan asks.

"You did keep me up all night." Hongbin groans.

"It was only one in the morning."

"All night."

Jaehwan chuckles as they turn a corner and Hongbin's house is the second one closest to them. Hongbin doesn't say anything as he crosses the street, only turning around once he's at the front door to wave at Jaehwan. Jaehwan waves back before walking down the street, heading to his own house.

The lights in his house were still on and he smiles at the thought of getting to spend time with Hakyeon. He expects a whole lecture about not answering Hakyeon's texts, or even checking them, but Hakyeon is silent when he walks inside.

"Bad day?" Jaehwan asks as Hakyeon gives him a hug and he nods his head against Jaehwan's chest. "Want to talk about it?"

Hakyeon nods his head again and Jaehwan lets Hakyeon drag him around the house until they get to their bedroom. Hakyeon tells Jaehwan about his day until he falls asleep in Jaehwan's arms.

 

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February 27th 2015

The smile on Jaehwan's face slowly disappears when he walks into his house. Hakyeon watches Jaehwan walk around until he sits down next to him. Hakyeon doesn't do anything when Jaehwan tries to cuddle up next to him and Jaehwan eventually stops trying. He sighs and Hakyeon doesn't look at him.

"Where have you been?" Hakyeon asks quietly, his voice almost a whisper. Jaehwan looks at him with wide eyes.

"What?" His voice is soft and Jaehwan hates the way it sounds.

"I barely see you anymore, Jaehwan. This past week it seems like you have been gone."

"What do you mean? You know where I go and what I do." Jaehwan starts and he bites his lip before continuing after realizing that Hakyeon wasn't going to say anything yet. "I go to work, come home-"

"And then you leave to hang out with Hongbin." Hakyeon cuts Jaehwan off and Jaehwan furrows his eyebrows, turing on the cushion so that he was facing Hakyeon. "What's so special about him?"

Jaehwan scoffs, glaring at Hakyeon now. "He is just a friend, and you know that. Do you think I love him or something?"

Hakyeon doesnt say, or do anything for a while and Jaehwan folds his arms across his chest. Hakyeon finally nods his head and Jaehwan moves to stand up but Hakyeon grips one of his forearms, preventing him from leaving.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mea-"

"You're right, maybe I do love him." He pulls his arm out of Hakyeon's grip before leaving again.

As Jaehwan walks off the grass and onto the sand he'd wish he would have said something else. He's not in love with Hongbin, not at all. Hakyeon must be crazy to even think that. Hongbin is his best friend.

The water is always cold against his feet, even more so at night. The stars always shine but tonight they look dull. Jaehwan feels dull. Maybe the stars reflect how he feels, and maybe they dont but Jaehwan likes to think things that are close to impossible.

He tells his problems to the moon and the stars because they won't tell anyone. Not Hakyeon, and not Hongbin. He talks about how Hakyeon had accused him of being in love with Hongbin and he talks about how he never thought of Hongbin as anything more than a friend. He's upset that Hakyeon made conclusions before he talked it through with him.

He sighs deeply when a door, the door to his house, opens and slams shut. He walks further away, not wanting to see Hakyeon. He has time still to look at the stars by himself and he takes every second of it before he can hear Hakyeon's steps in the sand behind him.

"Please, leave me alone." Jaehwan mutters but he only hears Hakyeon come closer. Hakyeon stands by his side and it's easy to keep looking at the stars instead of at Hakyeon. He used to do it everynight when Hakyeon would join him outside, too caught up in all the stars.

"I'm sorry." Hakyeon says and Jaehwan shakes his head from side to side in a silent, no you're not. "I didn't mean it."

Jaehwan looks down at the ground to avoid looking at Hakyeon. "Why would you accuse me of that? He's my best friend." Jaehwan whispers and he kind of hoped that Hakyeon didn't hear it over the wind. He doesn't want to talk to Hakyeon right now.

Jaehwan looks up at Hakyeon and he can see that Hakyeon is deciding his words. He shrugs his shoulders and Jaehwan sighs. "I guess I'm just jealous."

"Good, you should be." Jaehwan says and he ends up smiling even though he didn't want to. Hakyeon smiles back and he wraps his arms around Jaehwan, turning Jaehwan in his embrace to give him a proper hug.

"Are we okay now?" Hakyeon asks, his words muffled against Jaehwan's chest.

"Yeah, we're okay."

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March 6th 2015

The alarm on Jaehwan's phone goes off at 6:45 every morning and he hits the snooze button four times today, back to cuddling with Hakyeon after he presses it each time. Hakyeon slowly wakes up from Jaehwan moving around too much and he reaches over to stop the alarm. It's five minutes until seven and Hakyeon shakes Jaehwan until his eyes open.

"Babe get ready, you're going to be late for work." Hakyeon says and Jaehwan groans, closing his eyes again and rolling onto his stomach. Hakyeon thinks about running his nails down Jaehwan's to wake him up but he decides against it.

"Do I have to go?" Jaehwan whines and his voice is heavy, laced with sleep. "I'll call in sick."

Hakyeon smiles at the thought of getting extra time with Jaehwan and he picks up Jaehwan's phone, unlocking it and dialing Jaehwan's work. "Here, its calling now." Hakyeon says, holding the phone to Jaehwan's ear. Jaehwan makes him hold it, his eyes still closed and he coughs to clear his voice of sleep a bit.

Hakyeon bites his lip when Jaehwan starts talking, asking for a sick day and when Jaehwan nods his head Hakyeon takes the phone away, hanging it up. "Got the day off." Jaehwan mutters before Hakyeon lays back down with him and Hakyeon rubs Jaehwan's back as they drift off to sleep.

 

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April 8th 2015

Jaehwan is outside earlier than usual today, sitting down at the edge of the tide where the water wont touch his clothes. His hands play with the sand around him, picking some up and letting it slip through his fingers.

He smiles when he sees Hakyeon sit down next to him, the first star already out. "You don't have to be out here." Jaehwan says, knowing that Hakyeom would rather spend the nights inside.

"I know." Hakyeon says, his head on Jaehwan's shoulder. "I just wanted to be with you and anyways, it's not as cold out tonight."

Jaehwan doesn't say anything more, beginning to fall in love with the night sky all over again as the stars shine and the moon whispers for him to talk. There isn't much to other people who look up at the sky every once in a while, but to Jaehwan it's different. The night sky is Jaehwan's whole world. He sees constellations, both the bright and dull stars, he sees the two brightest planets that stand out as little sparkles, the way the clouds can make everything foggy, and the way the craters in the moon make a difference.

Hakyeon doesn't understand all the things that Jaehwan loves about the night sky.

 

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April 31st 2015

Hongbin is the first to join Jaehwan underneath the stars tonight and Jaehwan doesn't have to ask himself if Hakyeon would be outside tonight or not when he hears his door slam shut. Jaehwan smiles wider when he looks at Hongbin and he never notices. Hakyeon joins them in a minute and they walk to the tide together.

Hakyeon and Jaehwan hold hands all the way there and Hongbin doesn't say anything about it. Jaehwan talks more with Hongbin, it seems to come easier with him than with Hakyeon. They talk about how black the sky is and whether or not they were going to get sleep tonight. Jaehwan doubted they would seeing as how him and Hongbin both had the day off tomorrow. Hakyeon just listens, not really knowing how to add to the conversations.

They tide rolls against their feet and Jaehwan squeezes Hakyeon's hands twice and Hakyeon doesnt really know why but he squeezes back anyways.

He hears Jaehwan and Hongbin talking about running into the water for a few seconds and then running back, and when Hakyeon is asked if he wants to do it too he shakes his head as he steps back. Hongbin and Jaehwan roll their pants up as far as they will go and before they run into the water, Jaehwan presses a kiss to Hakyeon's cheek.

Hakyeon watches and smiles as they run into the water, laughing when Jaehwan falls over as they come back. Hongbin is laughing too hard to help him up and Jaehwan laughs himself. Once Hongbin is calmed down from laughing he offers his hand to Jaehwan and he takes it. His clothes are soaked from his waist down and Hakyeon knows that was Jaehwan's favorite shirt.

The look on Jaehwan's face as he and Hongbin run back doesn't slip past Hakyeon. The smile Jaehwan has on his face when he looks at Hongbin is wider and Hakyeon doesn't feel hurt when he realizes that Jaehwan really is in love with Hongbin. Jaehwan used to look at Hakyeon the same exact way, Hakyeon remembers because he used to wonder why Jaehwan's smile was always off when he looked at him. Jaehwan doesn't take his eyes off of Hongbin until they get back onto the sand, when Jaehwan gives Hakyeon a hug and gets his clothes wet too.

Hakyeon hugs Jaehwan tighter, wonders what is so special about Hongbin.

 

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May 4th 2015

Jaehwan taps his spoon against the side of the glass bowl that sits in front of him, uneaten cereal left in the bowl now soggy. He waits for Hakyeon to wake up, and he smiles when he hears him coming down the stairs. Hakyeon says a good morning to Jaehwan when he walks in, hair still a mess and shirt hanging off one of his shoulders.

He grabs the bowl from the counter, preparing his own cereal. He stands as he eats his cereal and Jaehwan looks up at him.

"I love you." Jaehwan says and Hakyeon doesn't look at him, stirring the cereal in the bowl around with his spoon.

"Please, don't lie to me." Hakyeon mutters and he finally looks at Jaehwan.

Jaehwan looks hurt but Hakyeon cant help but not to feel sorry for him. "What are you talking about?" Jaehwan asks and Hakyeon doesn't miss the way one of his hands curl into a fist before he lets it go.

"You dont love me anymore." Hakyeon says. "You love Hongbin."

"Didn't we already talk about this? I already told you that I don't lo-"

"You can say what you want but I saw the way you looked at him the day we both joined you that night." Hakyeon cuts Jaehwan off. "I saw it, Jaehwan. The way you looked at him- you used to look at me the same way. You might not realize that you love him, might never realize it because you're so insisted on keeping him as your best friend and nothing more than that, but I know that I'm not the one you're in love with."

"I-" Jaehwan's eyes well with tears but he doesn't let them fall. He doesn't know what to say to Hakyeon because the more he thinks, the more he looks back on all the times he's hung out with Hongbin in the past few months, he finds that Hakyeon is right. "I'm sorry."

Hakyeon shrugs his shoulders. "I'm not upset that you love him, whatever makes you happy know that I'm happy for you."

When Hakyeon leaves him alone in the kitchen Jaehwan lets the tears fall.

Jaehwan has stood outside at the shore everynight since he had moved into the house with Hakyeon, and he'd hope everynight that Hakyeon would join him. He hears the door to his house slam shut but Hakyeon never comes out to be with him.

 

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May 5th 2015

There's a key, Hakyeon's key to the house, and a note sitting on one of the counters when Jaehwan walks into the kitchen. His eyes widen and he runs upstairs to his bedroom. All of Hakyeon's stuff is gone, the bed sheets unmade, and Jaehwan feels the tears run down his cheeks. He hurries back downstairs, grabbing the keys and the note before he leaves.

The note gets crumpled in his hand from clenching it but Jaehwan cant bring himself to care as he walks across the street to Hongbin's house. He knocks three times before he hears Hongbin unlocking the door.

"Jaehwan, it's three in the morning what are you doi-" Hongbin begins to say but then stops himself when he sees that Jaehwan was crying.

"He- he's gone." Jaehwan cries as he hands the crinkled note to Hongbin, the keys in his other hand.

Jaehwan hasnt read the note yet and he doesn't want Hongbin to be the first so he takes it back once he's inside.

Jaehwan,

You fell in love with someone else and I want you to be happy, so be happy now. Don't worry about me.

Hakyeon.

He wants to rip the note up but he doesn't, handing it to Hongbin instead. He wipes the tears from his cheeks, wanting to call Hakyeon and scream at him, tell Hakyeon that he is still in love with him. Jaehwan doesn't though. He knows he never will.

Hongbin lets the note fall down to the floor and he brings Jaehwan into a hug and Jaehwan hugs him tighter than he did with Hakyeon. He cries into Hongbin's shoulder and he holds Hongbin's shirt between his fists, clenching and unclenching them.

"Why did he leave?" Hongbin asks, his voice soft in Jaehwan's ear.

"He thinks I'm in love with someone that isn't him."