This whole situation was ridiculous, she was so dumb to believe that things would change with time, so dumb to actually wait for the girl she loved to love her back… to at least notice her longing gaze and acknowledge her sincere words. But now Byul knew, while looking up at the polluted sky in the back alley behind a bar, admiring the way the smoke from her cigarette blended with the clouds that blocked the moon… she knew, Yongsun didn’t feel the same.

Taking a big drag from the cigarette, she laid her back in the wall next to the bar’s door. She remembered the situation that leaded her to feel this miserable in the first place, that damned night in which her heart broke in a way it seemed irreparable.

There was drinking, celebration in the air. A producer from their company was getting married and everyone deemed necessary a post-work party. Byul remembered parts and fragments of the night, she sat next to Yongsun in one of the big tables filled with people, Wheein and Hyejin a few sits to their right. There were sheers and speeches… she had foggy memories of herself raising her glass and speaking loudly a few times, at the beginning everyone sheered with her, but then they just laughed as Yongsun pulled her sleeve to force her back to her sit.

The last of the party she remembered was Yongsun whispering in her ear “You’re way too drunk, we should go home” to what she answered shaking her head and reaching for her glass “I’m just having fuuuun unnie… why are you so serious?”

She didn’t remember at what hour Yongsun had convinced her to leave, and she had no idea of how the girl managed to get her to her apartment, but her memory was cleared from then on.

“You were so embarrassing, Byul” Yongsun said sitting on the border of the bed, taking a breath after the struggle it was to get the younger girl to it “we were in front of our boss and people we work with, you can’t be so reckless… I’ve never seen you like that before”

“I’m sorry… I just wanted to relax, but didn’t count my drinks… I…” Byul tried to speak but her mind was still confused by the alcohol “I’m sorry”.

“It’s ok… just rest”

From her position on the bed, she could see Yongsun’s profile hidden by the shadows, just her left cheek lighted by the moonlight coming from the window. She was adorable, she was beautiful, perfect in every way, even with a frown in her temple. Byul had those thoughts everyday and every night, and the words were constantly stuck in when they had meaningful conversations walking by the Han River, or when they cuddled watching a movie, or when they were asked for their ideal type in interviews.

I want you… I want more than what we have now… I want to look at you without shame… I want you to want me too.

She was always smart enough to hold those thoughts and words to herself, there was more than just a friendship in the game, there was a work relationship that could not be broken because of dumb feelings. She knew… but that night, it didn’t matter what she knew or what she thought, she had no control.

Byul sat on the bed and hugged the older girl from behind, wrapping her frame with her arms and pulling the petite back of the girl tightly to her chest. A slight shiver went through the sober girl as a gasp escaped .

“Byullie?” she asked, trying to stay still “Let me go, I’m going to my apartment now”

“But” Byul answered drunkenly, snuggling her face in Yongsun’s neck “I never want to let you go”

Byul cursed under her breath as she remembered the addictive scent of Yongsun’s hair, how was her drunken self so stupid to do something like that, to confess something so important in that state. It had been a couple of weeks, and she was going crazy. In an unspoken agreement, they avoid each other as much as possible, but the tension she felt around the leader of her group was almost unbearable.

She hated herself, maybe that’s why she was in this bar in the first place, a pretty secretive lesbian bar in Hongdae, getting drunk again… flirting with everyone. She went there regularly, every time she had a free morning the next day, she would leave her apartment without telling anyone, dressed with a hoddie, jeans, a snapback and a mask covering and nose. Her manager had texted her angrily the first few times, but she gave up after a discussion they had at the company, I which Byul ended up screaming that she would do whatever the hell she wanted in her free time.

She was a mess, and everyone close to her knew. They were probably trying to figure out what was wrong with her, to help her… but only Yongsun knew.

“I never want to let you go” she had said, and Yongsun froze for a second, before taking Byul hands off her torso and standing up “Unnie… please”

“You don’t know what you’re saying, Byul. Just go to sleep” she fixed her clothes without looking back at the younger girl.

“Why are you like that? How can you not know…?” Byul tried to stand up, but her head refused to work with her body, so she just sat in the border of the bed. “After all this years, I’ve waited… but you…”

She felt tears falling to her cheeks, her voice cracked and that was enough to make Yongsun turn around and look at her, her eyes severe.

“Byul, please… you are drunk, you are going to regret this”

“I don’t care” the girl shook her head to put more force in her words, her sobs the only thing loud in the room “I’m tired of this feeling stuck in my chest… I’m tired of you not knowing that I…”

“Shut up!” Yongsun cut her up, her hands made fists at her sides, shacking. “I know! I know, ok. You are in love with me, so what? What do you want me to say? You know that I don’t feel that way about you! Why are you asking to be rejected like this?!”

Byul could hear her heart shattering, but it did not surprised her. Her crying stopped as she stared at the floor.

“I guess I always had a little hope…” she whispered more to herself than to the girl still standing near the door of her room. “Can you leave, please? I’m sorry for tonight… for all of it”

She stepped on the cigarette and took out her cellphone, it was two in the morning… she had a few messages from some girl she had met a few nights before and a text from Yongsun, asking where she was. Byul ignored all of it as she saw the back door of the bar opening, a short girl came out and took a deep breath after looking around. They had met before, Byul could not remember her name, but they had talked and flirted more than one time in her frequent visits to the bar.

“Well, if it’s not the celebrity!” the girl greeted her playfully “How is the undercover operation going?”

“As usual, if someone recognize me they just keep quiet… well except you”

“Mm… maybe you should be worried, you never know” she said teasingly, taking slow steps towards her “I could seduce you, take you to a motel and get your pictures while you are sleep” she closed the gap between them with a smirk in her lips “would that sell to the tabloids?”

“I highly doubt that the tabloids give a about me”

“Oh… come on! Your songs are at the top of the charts” she laughed and hit Byul shoulder playfully. “And I bet that by now you’re used to being on top” she added in almost a whisper, in a tone that made clear what she meant. Byul smiled and pushed herself of the wall, leaning down to capture the girl lips without much ceremony, she held her by the waist as she felt fingers tangled in her hair, the girl pushing forward till Byul was again against the wall.

“Hey, I’m trying to prove a point here” Byul said between kissed as she turn them around in a quick movement.

It felt like any of the others kisses and touches she had shared with other girls and one night stands, it had an angry quality to it, a rough idea and a rough execution that her partners seemed to enjoy. The girl gasped when Byul’s knee found its way between her legs, holding her shoulders tightly. She seemed hesitant so Byul stopped to look at her, honestly she would’ve preferred to take her right there in that dark alley against that cold wall, but she restrained herself for the girl’s sake.

“You’re intense” the stranger stated, panting uneasily. “You think you could keep it in your pants till we get to my place?”

Byul smiled. Another night… another girl… maybe now it would work, maybe in the morning she would not feel the emptiness. She just needed to get over her broken heart to be able to look her in the eye again, to work with her like they used to. She needed this.

----------

Yongsun attention was glued to her phone, waiting for signs of life from the girl that once was her best friend. She didn’t know what they were anymore, and that made her chest ache constantly.

It was becoming usual by now, but Yongsun still couldn’t get used to mornings like that one, mornings in which she had to get ready for their afternoon schedules not knowing if Byul would make it in time. Was she ok? Why wasn’t she answering her phone… or replaying to her messages? The clock was moving fast and if she didn’t get home before their manager did… the problem was going to be brought up to their CEO. They had already warned the younger girl, but she kept getting out of hand.

Yongsun sat in her couch and took out her phone, checking her notification while waiting to hear the noise of keys that would mean Byul had safely returned to her apartment next door. She noticed that just a few seconds ago, the notifications of the fan café increased faster than normal, a number she would usually see when they appear in broadcast or something like that. Confused, she went into the café and read what the fuzz was about.

“Oh… ”

People were freaking out, something about an article… about Moonbyul.

Yongsun moved her fingers franticly to exit the café and made a quick search online for Byul stage name. And there it was… the first picture got her attention before the title, Byul was alone in a dark alley, leaning against a wall with a cigarette between her lips and eyes partially cover by her cap. Yongsun took a deep breath before reading the title carefully.

Mamamoo’s Moonbul caught in a lesbian bar with a mysterious woman.

With shaky hands she slid down the page slowly, words and pictures making her look away. Byul was hungrily kissing a girl against a wall, and the first thought Yongsun had was not fear for her group’s image, or the repercussions this photos would have with the netizens, or the companies that would take away Mamamoo’s endorsements, not even the disapproving looks and words her boss would give Byul and herself for not controlling her. Yongsun’s first thought was confusion, as drops of water fell to the phone’s screen, as the pain in her chest made her double over herself and sob uncontrollably.

She was an idiot… since the first moment she felt butterflies around Byul and promised herself that she would never act on her feelings. She deserved the pain.