They'd been looking at each other for quite some time, Jongin held the cup against his lips while Kyungsoo stared. They'd been running around each other, always reaching and pulling away at the right moment just to inflict pain and break their hearts just a little more. They enjoyed the unstable system established by their fears and anxiety. The two of them had been too scared to open up but felt too lonely just to let go. 

Jongin's hand softly landed on the table, close enough to feel the warmth irradiating from Kyungsoo's arm. "Are we really doing this?" Asked Kyungsoo for the nth time. “Yes, we are, it’s necessary.” He cracked a smile at Kyungsoo, who felt his knees going numb; Jongin had such a way with words and corporal expression, it was not a mystery when Kyungsoo admitted his obvious crush and since the very first moment, they’d been glued by the hip… figuratively and quite literally.

“Can you repeat why we should start knowing each other, Jongin? For ’s sake, we’ve known each other for a really long time; I could list every mole on your body and its exact location.” Kyungsoo buffed, again, ignoring the hurt in Jongin’s eyes. “What’s my favourite station then? What’s my favourite color when the night kicks in? What’s my favourite kind of butterfly? I bet you can’t write down those because you’ve never given them a thought.” Kyungsoo went silent, it was true; he knew Jongin’s body as if it was his own but Jongin’s mind had been always an enigma.

“Jongin, I’m…” and then, Kyungsoo went silent. He kicked the floor nervously and tried to hold Jongin’s hand but it was taken away from his reach in record time. “Don’t you dare to say you’re sorry because you’re certainly not. We’ve been through a lot of and if I didn’t think I could give us a chance I wouldn’t risk wasting my time on you, I still think you’re worth it.” Kyungsoo felt something strange damping the corner of his eyes, was he going to cry? In front of Jongin, of all people.

Everything was true, except one thing: he was sorry, regret ranged from hurting Jongin to making Jongin close himself even more. Before they met, Jongin’s heart was behind a tall and thick concrete wall, but there were cracks and Kyungsoo found a way to get in. Sometimes he would be sweet and gentle so the cracks expanded enough to let him squeeze his intentions and reach Jongin’s heart. Most of the time he destroyed the wall using cannon balls, obviously it wasn’t the best of the ways but he liked the feeling of being needed by Jongin.

Jongin, on the other hand, hated being dependent and he was detached; he wouldn’t say he needed Kyungsoo but he loved spending time together. Jongin knew that he had a strong grip on Kyungsoo, only a simple action was needed to have him knelt before Jongin. Both were manipulative and both knew it wasn’t healthy but their egos started an intense battle: Kyungsoo wanted to prove he had the power to hurt and make Jongin feel miserable; Jongin wanted to prove he had Kyungsoo wrapped around his pinky finger. Clearly, they didn’t know how to handle their emotions nor feelings.

After a few minutes Jongin had ended his tea and his lips, “We should stop ing around and star being real friends. You’re here but not really, you know, it feels like I’m just a hobby you enjoy doing but it’s not enough to grow passion, commitment. You say I have the biggest part of your heart and mind but what are the perks when you only throw stones my way?” He started to pop up and down his knee, a habit he had whenever he felt nervous or nauseous. This whole situation was exhausting him.

“You know I can’t do the love thing, Jongin. It’s not in my nature; it’s true but it’s also true that our strings are tensing with every ticking minute but I would send them to hell if it meant I could have you for myself.” A sincerity explosion was building on the point of his tongue and both knew this was the right time to let everything out.

When Kyungsoo shined a light for Jongin, Jongin was deadly blind and didn’t want to see. When Jongin sang for Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo was deaf and didn’t want to hear. When both wanted company, they ran and isolated themselves. Both were guilty and both wanted to mend their mistakes but changing one’s mind was easier said than done.

“I’m not asking you to marry the hell out of me. I’m just asking for a friend, is that hard? I see you protect and take care of everyone but me. Am I just a bag nicely shaped?” A knife was breaking through the skin and it would twist at any moment. “Of course you’re not! But, what if you realize I’m not worth it and you leave? I’m scared, okay? I’m scared, Jongin, and I’m tired. You say I’m merciless but what about you? You don’t show affection, you are nice and warm-hearted but it’s not like I’m special for you, you find fun watching me crumble, you enjoy having me lusting for your bones and let me tell you a thing: it doesn’t make you better than me, we are both horrible human beings.” And there was the twist.

“Kyungsoo, you wouldn’t notice affection even if it ran over you like a truck. I’m scared too but I try for you; I came with a conclusion that overwhelmed me and it scared me even more: I would willingly break my own heart if it meant you could be happy for at least one day.” It was too much, Kyungsoo knew it was difficult for Jongin to express his true feelings, he could be burning in hell’s flames but he wouldn’t say it out loud, he guessed the same applied for the good experiences.

Kyungsoo stood and approached Jongin; he noticed some tears rolling down his face and cursed to himself. “I’d willingly break my heart for you too but what if we can’t fix the damages? You know this isn’t right, don’t you? You’re too smart and always know what’s best for you… and also me. But, I don’t know how to change, I can’t change.” This time was Jongin’s turn to dry some more tears, “Don’t worry, we’ll be okay eventually. Maybe “okay” is taking different paths but it could be walking the same path as well.”

They held each other, hoped for the best and expected the worst.