BGM: I Miss You - Mamamoo

She had been staring at the space for a few minutes, her mind drawing a blank. In that few minutes, she was at peace and nothing was bothering her and she would appreciate it if she could stay like that forever but forever don't exist. At least not in this lifetime anyways.

"Moonbyul! You're up next!"

She was called into the studio to record for their new song and she had been waiting for 2 hours and for that duration, she had been making corrections for her rap and thinking of ways to rap and at the last few minutes, she had been day dreaming. Now the time has come for her to enter the studio and record but she didn't feel that she's ready. I'm never ready, she emphasized to herself as she walked into the room.

In the recording room, there was a mic with its filter and there was a camera at the top corner of the room and as she stood in front of the mic, she could see into the room she previously stayed at through the wide window. Directing her recording, she could see their CEO sitting besides the producer and some few staffs and even though she had performed in front of hundreds of fan and appeared in the television, she couldn’t help the butterflies fluttering in her stomach. She could feel her stomach churning and with much hesitation, she picked up the headphone resting on the low table besides the mic and put it on.

Okay, whenever you're ready give us a cue!

I'm never ready, she repeated in her head but she nodded anyways.

She took a deep breath, once and twice and thrice. After calming down her nerves, she cleared and gave an okay signal to the producer team on the other side of the window and with a sharp intake of breath, she started on her rap as soon as the first note played.

These days, I sleep with the tissue

Instead of you

My phone playlist is filled with sad songs,

Because I feel like they'll comfort me like this song

But I miss you

got choked as soon as she said those three little words, her mind flashing back to a certain memory and without finishing her rap, she stopped as tears flowed down her cheeks. She tried to ignore the angry or worried or mix of both expressions on the CEO and turned around so her back would face the window. She took off the headphones and brought her hand up to brush away the tears from her cheeks, willing herself to stop crying. She was frustrated, frustrated at herself for not being professional and for not being able to finish her recording when her part was not even that long in the first place. She was frustrated at herself for showing a weak side of hers, frustrated at herself for not enduring the twinge at her heart at the words I Miss You.

The producer team was ready to break into the room, into what little privacy she have and into her small haven, but she had locked the door earlier when she closed the door. She knew it was stupid because she would need to go out eventually but by the time she need to go out, she would have calmed down and regained her composure before the CEO, producer team or anyone confront her about her breakdown.

I'm a fool, a heartbroken fool.

There was nowhere to hide in the studio room as the wide window glass showed everything inside so the only place she could cry her heart out would be under the low table and she took refuge there. The low table was covered at the front, like you would see in podiums, and she rested her head against the wood with her legs stretched in front of her. She knew it was only a matter of time before the producer team took action and get the master key but she trusted her CEO to give her space and she knew he would. She took a shaky breath in an attempt to even out her sobs to silent tears but it did the exact opposite and she was glad that she decided to switch off the mic so no one would hear her anguish scream and sobbing.

But I miss you,

Traces of you remain in my room, covered in tears

Once again, she couldn't complete her rap part, thinking of the way they had parted a few nights ago. Even the mere thought of it broke her down, rendered her weak and useless, her usual tough façade replaced with a fragile and brittle glass. One tap and there would be none left of the walls around her heart, her pain seeping through the cracks made in her soul and more cracks would form and she would be left defenseless at the end of her suffering. The strong, relentless lady would be no more as she dwindle down to fearful, weak girl.

Sometimes, when she closed her eyes every night, she would imagine her lips curling into a smile, a dimple forming at her right cheek and the way she would pout whenever she made fun of her height. Every night, she would bother her about her pajamas, how she looked so cuddly and cute in those nightwear and how she felt that she's blessed that they're roommates. They would joke around about forming a sub-unit together, with dancing as their theme, and they would create choreographies together until late at night and almost always ended up in each others' arm at the lower bunk bed. That was how every night went by, until a few nights ago.

'Unnie, can you please leave me alone? I'm tired.'

'Wheein-ie, play with me. I'm bored.'

'Byulyi-unnie! I'm going to sleep!'

Like the joker she is, she would never let her go off without teasing and fooling around but that night she was bad at reading the situation and took her jokes too far.

'Unnie! I told you to go, didn't I?'

'Play with me! Or else, I'm going to tickle you!'

And she proceeded as she said. She began by poking at her sides and gradually started to tickle her, going up from her stomach to her neck, unaware that the younger was annoyed at her.

'STOP IT!'

She stopped, in shock, as she never heard Wheein raise her voice like that before and in fear, she withdrew her hands away from her and only then did she look properly at her. Annoyed is an understatement, it was more to furious and she can't help but gulped and removed her body weight from Wheein's bed, raising both hands to surrender but Wheein was not in the mood.

'FINE! I'm going to Hyejin's place.'

With that, she pocketed her phone and took her favorite plushie with her, leaving Moonbyul behind before she could say anything. She thought of going after her but refrained herself to give Wheein some space to cool down.

Lying down on Wheein's bed that night, it felt so cold.

The warmth was long gone.

She left and never came back.

Home never felt so cold before.

People say home is where the heart belong but when the person who have it leaves, then where is home?

She imagined how things would be different if she didn't push her luck that night, if she just listened to the younger girl's plead for her to stop, if she just let her go to sleep and softly whispered a lullaby into her ear, if she didn't go overboard with her jokes and if she took the time to read the situation and understand the younger girl. Alas, things turned out this way and there was no way to reverse what she did and no way to avoid the consequences.

But life must go on, she tried to convince herself. Whatever had happened, it should not disturb their - or maybe just her - work. She punched the floor as hard as she could, to numb her emotional pain and distract herself from the pain as her heart shattered to pieces and so to focus on what was solid, and real and physical.

But my feelings are real and so is the pain. If hiding it away is the best for everyone, then I'll keep it to myself. If it meant getting her back at my side, as a friend or a colleague, it matters not.

With her new resolution, she pulled herself up and reappeared into the production team's sight, giving them a thumbs up to reassure them that she's okay- for now. She took three shaky steps to get in front of the mic, clearing and turned the mic on.

"I'm sorry. I got way too emotional. I'm sorry for the shock and let me have a second try with the recording," she bowed.

Are you sure, Byulyi-ah? Do you need a break?

"I'm fine. Let me do this now."

Okay, we'll start.

1.2.3. Go!

.

.

.

These days, I sleep with the tissue

Instead of you

My phone playlist is filled with sad songs,

 Because I feel like they'll comfort me like this song,

But I miss you,

Traces of you remain in my room, covered in tears

Everyone goes through a break-up

But why am I acting like this?

I'm even worse today

Really, why am I like this? I miss you, so so much.