It’s okay to go to him,

I’ll accept that, don’t you worry about me,

Just go, just go,

I’ll let go the hand that I held,

Before I change my mind,

Just go, just go, just go, just go.

~*~

I let go of his hand as he skips towards his boyfriend. The smile formed on his face can only be seen when Kim Hanbin is around. He won’t smile like that to me. I’m just another guy who’s obsessed with someone who doesn’t love me. I loved Jinhwan hyung from the first time I laid eyes on him. He’s cute and loveable. I like how he always bring happiness to people around him, like a happy virus. You just can’t help but smile.

But when Kim Hanbin is around, Jinhwan hyung turned into someone else. Being shy and polite, like a complete opposite person. Holding his laughter to jokes you need to laugh out loud. It’s not like I hate this side of Jinhwan hyung, I personally think it’s cute. But like every love story, I was jealous. I was irritated on how he would change his personality when that Hanbin is around. I hate the blush on his face everytime that Hanbin praised him, smiled to him, touched him. I want him to be mine but I can’t force him to love me, right?

Who am I to Jinhwan hyung? I remember the first time we met, I was walking alone at the park when some kid suddenly bumped into me. I was about to scold him when I see his eyes. It’s love at first sight. I was speechless for a while and the kid just kept on asking for forgiveness. So, I forgave him and asked his name. Kim Jinhwan. A name I’m sure gonna remember. Later on, we started walking together and eventually, the kid is living in the same area as me. So, we walked home together before bidding our goodbyes. A week after that, I met him again. He was in the same school as me and I was surprised to know that he’s 3 years older than me. I mean, how can a cute, petite boy like him be so old? It’s funny though. After that, we always walk to school together, having lunch together and sometimes we would hang out together. We went to the arcade, funfair and during exams, we would go to the library to study together. I’ve appreciate every single moment we spent together.

I remembered one day, when Jinhwan introduced me to his friends. “This is Koo Junhoe, my favourite dongsaeng!” Favourite dongsaeng… is that what you see in me hyung?

One day, I thought of confessing to Jinhwan hyung but maybe I was too late. On that very same day, he brought along the name Kim Hanbin. He said how much he admired him, how everytime he looked at the said person, his heart would beat rapidly. And I hate the fact, on how he’s telling the stories about Hanbin, he could blush. But seeing him so happy talking about his crush, I couldn’t afford myself to confess. I happily smiled and vote for him while internally, I’m breaking. As long as he’s happy, I’m gonna be okay, I thought. A week after that, he jumped on me suddenly when I was taking an evening stroll at the park. His face tells me that his happy. I smiled at him but it soon faded as the words he said enters my ears. “He accept me, Junhoe-ah!!!” He screamed happily. I’ve never seen him so happy like this before, it hurts because I know, I can never make him smile like this. “Hyung, I liked you too” the words escape my mouth as a whisper which he barely hears. “What was that?” he asked with a plastered smile. “No-nothing, I’m just… happy for you” I said, smiling fakely.

As I watched him clinging to his boyfriend, my heart felt like its being squeezed til no blood could rush. The scene slowly tears me apart as they went inside the ferris wheel, just the both of them. Well, I’m the one who said “It’s okay, I’m just a third wheel here. Go enjoy your date!”. Why the hell did I even say that? I watched them go up slowly, giggling to each other. I slowly walk away from the ferris wheel with a shattered heart before turning back to look at them, and I wished I would’ve just walk away without looking back because what I’m looking now, is them kissing each other.

I walked home and it felt horrible. Every step I take feels like I’m walking on shattered glass, the event keeps replaying in my mind and I don’t even know when did I cry? The people who walked pass by me would give me a weird gesture but I don’t care about them. My mind is full of things. Full of memories between me and Jinhwan hyung. Full of his cute gestures. Full of his wonderful smiles. Full of his way of calling my name. Full of his way talking about Hanbin. Full of the scene I want to forget. When I stepped inside my house, I ran to my room and locked myself inside before crying my heart out. Why must I fall in love with him? Why must he fall in love with Hanbin? Why must I face the pain of one-sided love? And I know I need to release myself from this pain.

~*~

Jinhwan’s POV

I felt bad for leaving Junhoe down there. He must’ve been lonely. Hanbin must’ve notice my worried expression when he suddenly grabs my face, making me face him.

“Let’s forget about him for a while, besides…” he slowly directs his face towards me “… its our date” then our lips met. It was a short kiss when suddenly his phone vibrated, startled him for a bit. He looks at the text message that he received and smiled. With a hint of jealousy I asked “Who’s that?” Hanbin just laughed it off and said that it’s someone unimportant. I wasn’t convinced though, so I asked again with a more stern voice.

“Like I said, it’s a nobody. Besides, I have something special to show you” he winked at me. When we finally got off the ferris wheel, Hanbin quickly pulled me to the edge of the funfair, into the forest and I know something is not right. “Where are we going?” I asked a bit scared. Hanbin smiled as he continue to drag me deep into the forest until we met a bunch of guys. Then, everything out.

When I opened my eyes, I was laying on the forest floor and it’s close to sunset. I felt a stinging pain on my head and my lower body feels weird. I then realised I was . My clothes are all over the place. I was blank uncertain of what just happened. I stood up and felt a strong pain on my lower body. And then everything make sense. I was and it’s Hanbin’s fault. I searched for my phone in my jeans and when I found it, I quickly call Hanbin.

“Hello?”

“… I trusted you… how could you?” my tears are already streaming down my cheeks. This feeling of being betrayed by the one whom I trusted. The pain of being is still there, my lower body aches. Its painful. I don’t know how many guys that me that day but I know Hanbin is one of them. I couldn’t stand nor walk properly. A long silence passed with no answer.

“WHAT THE KIM HANBIN! I LOVED YOU, I TRUSTED YOU! AND THIS IS WHAT YOU GAVE ME!?”

“but I don’t love you and I didn’t ask you to trust me” with that, Hanbin end the call. I cried and screamed in the now getting dark forest. I cursed Hanbin a lot within tears. I don’t know what to do. I carefully wear back my clothes while holding in the pain. I tried looking around to find a way out of the forest and fortunately, I could see the lights from the funfair. I was near to limping my way towards the light source and a familiar name pops into my head. Junhoe. I don’t know why I thought of him but I need to see him. He’s always there for me. Through pains and gains. He knew how to make me happy, he knew how to cheer me up and he never make me cry like what Hanbin did to me. I dialled his number and wait for him to answer and when the line is connected, I was surprised by the female voice that answers.

“..Jinhwanie…” It’s Junhoe’s mother and she’s crying? “… come to the hospital now” she said with tears and I could’ve heard a girl’s scream saying that I shouldn’t come. Ignoring the pain, I ran straight to the hospital. I don’t know how I can run without tripping myself but there’s only one thing on my mind right now. What happened to Junhoe?

When I arrived at the hospital, I quickly ran towards the emergency section and I found Junhoe’s family sobbing. A girl who saw me, quickly stand up and walked to me with angry eyes before slapping me right on the face. “This is all your fault! You shouldn’t come!” she screamed. She was Junhoe’s sister. The first sentence rings in my ear. My fault? Junhoe’s father pulled his daughter away and gesture something towards his wife. Junhoe’s mother hand me a book and I know what book is that. It’s Junhoe’s diary. I’ve seen it before but Junhoe never shown it to me, so why is his mother giving it to me? “Read the last page” she said while wiping her tears. I took the book from her hands before reading the familiar writings on the last page.

Mom, Dad, Noona, I’m sorry for making a bad decision. I should’ve known better but it hurts too much. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. So I made a decision that I know I would regret.

Jinhwan hyung, I’m sorry for leaving but there’s one thing you should know. I loved you. I loved you from the very beginning. I loved you before Kim Hanbin. I’m sorry for not being able to be your favourite dongsaeng anymore. I want to end this one-sided love. Please forgive me.

With lots of love and regret, Koo Junhoe.

It was short and yet it was deep. I kept crying until I fell to my knees. How come I didn’t know? The pain he suffered. The love he gave to me. My head keeps playing the memories between me and Junhoe, how he would care for me, how he would stare at me, how he would play with my hair, how he would blush everytime I praise him. It was clear, crystal clear, that he had a crush on me but why am I too blind to see all of this?

Shortly after, the doctor finally came out but his expression had already told them what happened. Junhoe’s mother starts cry loudly as her husband tried to comfort her while holding back his tears. His sister just sits there hugging her knees, stares into nothingness. And I ran into the surgery room. I stare at the body which is now covered with white sheets. He’s gone. He’s really gone. I slowly walked beside him and lifts the white cloth to reveal his face and my tears runs wildly. His face is so white but he didn’t look calm nor comfortable, he just looks sad. How much had he suffered because of me?

“You said you loved me right? Don’t go” I said slowly. “Hanbin’s a you know, you don’t know what he did to me” I reached his cold hand and intertwined our fingers. “He hurt me Junhoe-ah, he me! And he even brought along his friends and I couldn’t feel my lower half. You should comfort me first. I need you Koo Junhoe! Please, open your eyes. Don’t go. Please… if you go, who will be my favourite dongsaeng? There’s no one else. Only you” I placed his hand on my cheeks, wetting his fingers with my tears. I asked him ‘don’t go’ but I know he’s gone already. If I had known he had loved me all this time, if I had known the real feelings in my heart, if I had known Hanbin’s true nature, none of this would’ve happened.

I kissed his forehead before leaving the cold room, couldn’t afford myself to continue looking at his pale face. I need a place to breathe, to calm myself, so I went for the stairs, limping and when I reached the roof I saw a familiar figure there. I rubbed my eyes to see if my eyes are lying but he’s really there. Junhoe was standing there, facing the clouds, wearing the same outfit he wore at the funfair and I had never thought he had ever look this… handsome. I was speechless as I stared at him. He turned to look at me and smiled. He gestured for me to come close. When I’m by his side, he held my hand and we walked to the edge of the roof. We stared at the ground for a while before facing each other.

“I love you”

“I know, I love you too”

“I’m sorry”

“Me too”

He held my waist and close the distance between our faces. I could feel the pressure that rises in the air, the increasing heart rate makes me hard to breathe. When our lips almost touched, he disappears in thin air, leaving me falling to the far ground.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I know it's not a good ff, but I hope you guys enjoy! I'm still an amateur in writing fics. :)) tell me your opinion

-akirazinan