“Reality is harsh, not every story ends like a fairytale. We don’t always get what we want. Things don’t always come out as we want them to. The only option is to accept it and live with it for the rest of the time we have in this life. We don’t always get loved by the ones we truly love. Painful, isn’t it? Life’s a . This is not a fairytale, this is real life.”

~~~~

Hakyeon wasn’t always like that. His  feelings started developing after spending some time with the younger. At first they were good friends, then they debuted together and became members of the same group, VIXX. It became harder to hide his feelings with time, but he tried his best. Taekwoon was his everything and he didn’t want to ruin the friendship between them. That’s when it started going worse. Holding it in was almost impossible.

***

Hakyeon looked at himself in the mirror. All he saw was red swollen eyes and itchy eczema on the cheeks caused by salty tears he’d produced the previous night.

Taekwoon - the reason behind his tears. That beautiful blond guy with a resting face and ice cold heart.

“Get it together.” he ordered himself with another tear running down his cheek.

No, Taekwoon wasn’t selfish and he didn’t hurt Hakyeon either. He didn’t like how his leader has changed towards him. Hakyeon ignored Leo as much as possible. The younger tried to talk to him and find out what’s going on, but he didn’t know what was the reason.

Hakyeon was too chicken to confess. Being rejected would be the last straw.

Needless to say that agency wouldn’t allow them to date, neither would their parents. He was sure that Taekwoon wouldn’t want to date him anyway.

His phone buzzed in the pocket which made him jump in surprise. He didn’t expect anyone to call him today since it was their day off, but avoiding it would be too rude.

“No, not right now…please…” he mumbled.

Taekwoon was calling him again. “Please make it stop..”

Hakyeon grasped hardly at his hair as his back hit the wall. His bottom hit the ground and hands gripped even tighter at the hair.

The older knew that Taekwoon only wanted to help, but first he needed an explanation which Hakyeon couldn’t provide him.

It became hard for Hakyeon to talk or think straight around the younger.

“Hello?” the familiar voice echoed through Hakyeon’s head as he brought his phone to the ear.

“Ah, Taekwoon. Hello.” he tried so hard to make surprised tone but failed.

“Hyung, can we meet? I want to spend some time with you.”

Hakyeon squeezed his phone tighter. “T-Today?”

“Yes, we can finally hang out without rushing anywhere.” the younger stated.

It was hard to reject the invitation, but it was even harder to accept it.

“Sorry Taekwoon, I-”

The irritated voice interrupted him, “please, hyung.”

Hakyeon sighed and nodded to himself. “Okay, where do you want to meet?” he asked with defeat in his voice. This isn’t going to end well and he knew it.

“I will be waiting for you at the Puppy Cafe at 4PM.”

Of course, Taekwoon’s favorite cafe, where you get to drink Latte and play with the puppies.

He tossed the phone on the floor next to him before hitting the wall with the back of his head. “I’m so screwed.”

His heart rate sped up. Without further thought he washed up, put on clean clothes and covered his skin with a BB cream. Sadly he couldn’t cover the redness and swollenness of his eyes.

Hakyeon put his shoes on and looked in the mirror for the last time checking if everything was fine with the outfit he chose.

The weather was pretty warm for March. Hakyeon walked slowly, his thoughts were occupied by the younger male. How am I going to explain my actions to him? Would he understand? Maybe he feels the same way? Will he be grossed out?
He sighed.

Puppy Cafe was close to his apartment, that’s why he’d visited it often with other VIXX members.

Hakyeon’s legs began to shake as he approached his destination.

He stopped by the big window and looked inside searching for a pale guy with blond hair.

There he was, sitting on a small red colored couch and played with a fluffy dark creation. Hakyeon’s lips formed into a beautiful bright smile, heart aching at the same time.

Taekwoon seemed to be happy, just like a little child.

The pain in Hakyeon’s chest grew as he beheld the younger man laughing. His eyes got teary.

“I love you.” he whispered softly as salty tears streamed down to the face mask he’d been wearing. He was about to walk in there and tell Taekwoon about his feelings, but his attention was caught by the unfamiliar girl, who suddenly sat next to the younger guy with two cups of Latte. The girl had dark brown hair and pretty school-like skirt. She was tall and pretty skinny.

Taekwoon immediately wrapped his arm around her waist.

Hakyeon’s eyes widened. He stepped away from the window. Did he want to……introduce me to his girlfriend?

He turned around and started walking back. His white face mask hid the most of his face, but his teary eyes were still visible to passing strangers. His hand travelled into the pocket and took a cellphone out. It didn’t  matter how painful it was, he couldn’t leave without telling him. He typed a quick message to the younger, telling that he won’t meet him due to sudden schedule.

What am I going to do now?

Different ideas flew through his head and without realization he ended up going to the agency instead of home.

Telling Taekwoon about his feelings wasn’t an option anymore. He had to choose to stay or to leave and the second one seemed better.

He told manager that before the comeback he needs some kind of a vacation. Luckily manager allowed him to have it, but not for too long.

The only place he could go, the only place where no one would search for him…Jeju Island.

Hakyeon didn’t waste time and after quick packing he was already sitting in a taxi on his way to the airport.

Taekwoon called him every five minutes and sent a lot of messages asking what’s wrong, but Hakyeon ignored them all.

***

Hakyeon stepped into his hotel room looking around. A king-sized bed, big window with a panoramic view on the beach, a TV in front of the bed and a small kitchen for cooking. He dropped his bags by the bed and sat on it. 
This room as booked for at least two weeks and it was supposed to be enough for him to relax and forget about everything, forget about Taekwoon.
 

***

“Where is he?” the younger male asked angrily.

Manager took his glasses off and placed them on the table. “For the hundredth time, Taekwoon, I can’t tell you that. Hakyeon wanted it to be a secret.” he stated, but it wasn’t the answer Taekwoon needed.

“Why? What’s the problem?” he gazed into manager eyes searching for an answer, but all he got was building up anger.

“Ask him when he’s back. Now let me work in peace, please.”

Taekwoon picked his bag up from the ground and walked out of the cabinet, furiously slamming the door behind him.

It’s been four days since his hyung disappeared and it bothered him a lot.

At first Hakyeon started ignoring him, then left without saying anything or even leaving a note and now he doesn’t even answer calls and messages.

The rest of VIXX members were worried too, but Taekwoon was worried by it the most, since Hakyeon departed when the younger needed him the most. Leo decided to go official with his girlfriend and he needed the elder’s approval to do so.

“What did he say?” asked Hongbin after Taekwoon took a seat in his car. “Nothing useful.” replied the older.

Hongbin leaned back against his seat and sighed loudly. “I’m going to beat N’s when he’s back.” Their comeback was slowly approaching and everyone got nervous with every passing day, will they be able to make it without the leader? “Let’s go, the others are waiting for us.” Taekwoon mumbled

***

Two weeks passed by so quickly. Hakyeon wasn’t quite ready to return, but he had to. He didn’t know how to explain everything to his bandmates, especially to Taekwoon. The younger probably hates him the most right now.

“I have to return.” he whispered to himself. Packing didn’t take him long, but the feeling he had, bitterness, it ate him from the inside. His iPod playing sad music didn’t make it  better either, but it was the only music his mind wanted to hear. After getting done with packing, he laid down on the bed and covered his face with a pillow. It was such an emotional roller coaster for him, just too much to handle. Losing Taekwoon was painful, even though the younger didn’t even know about leader’s feelings.

It didn’t matter anymore.

He stood up with his eyes getting wetter with each second. There’s no words that could describe his pain right now. The only option was to keep it down and hide his feelings till the end. For now, all he had to do was to return to Seoul and start practicing for the upcoming comeback, hoping that maybe it will distract him and make him forget about everything at least for a little while.
 

Hakyeon didn’t even realize it was already time to leave. He took his things and glanced out of the window for a second, enjoying a beautiful view for the last time before leaving the hotel room.

***

Hakyeon felt his phone buzz slightly in his pocket while waiting for his baggage. It was a message from his manager.

Welcome back! We need you right now, it’s an urgent meeting with the CEO, agency’s director and VIXX. I’ve already sent a car to pick you up. We have some great news, let’s meet at my office immediately after you arrive to the main building.

~ Manager Ty.

A shiver ran through Hakyeon’s spine. It was really unexpected and alarming. He walked out of the airport after finally getting his suitcase and saw his driver right away. They greeted each other and Hakyeon’s sat into a car. The rest of the ride was silent.

He tried to think of things that CEO could be announcing today, but nothing came to his mind. Was something changing? Are they getting one more member? Is comeback cancelled or pushed to another date? Was he the problem?

All these questions stayed in his head as he nervously got out of the car. Hakyeon got sweaty as he knocked on manager’s door before entering. Everyone was already there waiting for him. They greeted him and he bowed in response. VIXX members seemed happy, but deep inside he knew that he’d failed them.

“Now since Hakyeon is finally here, we have some news to announce.” CEO stated. “Is it about our comeback?” Ken asked happily, but got a negative answer. “It’s actually related to one of you.” Manager Ty cleared. He walked to the chair Taekwoon was sitting on and put hands on the younger’s shoulders, giving some kind of a hint for him to start talking.

Taekwoon cleared his throat. “Guys, now this may seem really weird and unexpected, but I’ve been seeing someone for a while and we finally decided…” he made a small pause causing Hakyeon to feel pain in the chest. The elder knew what he was about to say, but still hoped that it was all just a dream.

“…to get married.”

Hakyeon’s heart broke into a million pieces. Everyone beside CEO and the manager’s were stunned. The leader was blankly staring at the younger, Taekwoon staring back at him. Their eyes were connected for a minute before Hakyeon broke it. 
He stood up from his seat, gaining attention from others and pulled a wide fake smile from ear to ear.

“Congratulations, Taekwoon. I wish you a great marriage with the girl you picked for yourself and to be always happy! May you remain together in both happiness and sorrow.”

He almost forced these words out of his mouth and pushed back the tears his eyes wanted to spill.

A smile appeared on the younger’s face and he bowed in front of his leader. “I’m really glad you’re accepting it. You will be able to meet her really soon!” He stated. Other VIXX members congratulated his as well.

Hakyeon sneaked out of the office as everyone was too busy with Taekwoon. The older rushed to his own apartment as fast as his legs could. He wanted to disappear, to rip his heart from the chest and throw it away like garbage.

The worst part was that he couldn’t even protest, it would mean opening about his feelings in front of everyone… and this disgusting taste of jealousy, defeat and sadness in his mouth made it even worse.

He lost him. He lost Taekwoon, forever, and there was nothing Hakyeon could do about it.

His knees hit the floor, as soon as he closed the door behind himself, and just broke into tears. He couldn’t hold them any longer. It was the first time Hakyeon literally cried his heart off and his body trembled from the emotional pain.

“I love you, I love you so much..” Hakyeon sobbed loudly.

Although he won’t have a chance with Taekwoon ever again, his love will remain forever as a huge crack in his heart.

The pain will stay too.

No one will ever know about his feelings, no one.

~~~~