January 1, 2012

It's all coming back to me-- as the cold air seeped through the sides of the closed windows I felt myself freezing-- not because of the cool breeze of New Year's Eve but because of the scent it brought to me. Unbelievable as it sounds I could smell him, as I bury my face in his neck, the scent of cologne that screamed his masculinity. At times when he would come out bare, he would smell like fresh strawberries plucked early in the morning, the sweetness of the fruit lingering in your nose even in the absence of it. It must have been his soap or shampoo, because in the months that we had been together that distinct smell became his own.

And as the scene from last week came back, so did the sadness. My heart stopped, or maybe it already stopped the moment he decided to leave me. Looking back, reminiscing about his expressive brown orbs, and the way it told me that he was never going to let go, I thought that what I had in my hands was forever. That the words that were occasionally said were okay, as long as his eyes tell me he still does. Though, I was wrong. He was so skilled in making me believe his eyes were saying eternity when it was masking his insecurities and fears.

A knock came and I almost tripped, rushing to the door, hoping his words were a joke, a prank he would pull just so he could surprise me on New Year's Eve, though this one might be a bit over the top. I unlatched the door and turned the knob with my heart pounding hard, blood quickly rushing to my face.

"Happy new year!"

The voice that resonated was known to my ears yet not what I expected, and though I wanted to smile at him for being so thoughtful to me, my expression came out smugly.

          "Hey, Jungkook," I said with too much indifference that I almost shut the door on him. Luckily he only gave me one of his cute smiles, the one that girls would swoon at. He raised his hands a bit to show that he brought food, and invited himself inside my house. I just followed suit as he placed the food on the table. I leaned by the kitchen door as I watched him wash my dishes.

          "You should really clean up. It's New Year already, in case you missed," he says, focusing on the dishes. As he finished, he took the plates to the table and prepared everything. I hope I could commend him, or even for being so caring like this, but my mouth didn't want to say anything at the moment.

          He pulled the chair for me as I trudged to it, and sat down with a forlorn posture. He pushed my chair toward the table and sat on his own. I looked at him, and he looked back with a smile.

          "Come on. Spicy rice cakes are your favorite. Plus I remember when you eat these, your mouth never closes. You get hyped up in a very unusual manner. I really miss that side of you," Jungkook says, as he split the chopsticks and tried to feed me. He pouts in defeat, and I was feeling bad for him. It is New Year and he had to spend it with his broken-hearted best friend. It was unfair in his part. "If you would just finish this bowl of food I'll leave you be, please?" He pleaded and I hated that he worried about me that I slowly chewed on the rice cakes piece by piece. He only watched as I stared at my food. The thought of what ifs came surging in my mind, the thoughts of spending the night with him, sparklers in our hands, watching the sky as it majestically displays the fireworks. Then as I got back to reality, staring at the food on the table (I'm so bad for not appreciating his presence), I wanted to throw a fit.

          In the longest time, I have finally finished my meal. I feel so stuffed yet so empty. He passed me a glass of water and I gulped it down in a drastically slow pace. He smiled as he finally stood up and put the dishes in the sink. He went back to me and offered his hand, which I hesitantly took. He lifted me up from my seat, pulled me into a tight hug, and whispered in my ear.

 

          "I have never dared to ask for your love, and I probably won't any time soon. I only ask that from now on, though little by little, you try to be happy. It already hurts that I can't have you, now all the more-- because I can't even comfort you. I'm still your best friend, Ji, running to me can always be your option." He broke the hug and walked to the door.

          It took a bit long to process his words, but as I did, I ran to him and hugged him. I still haven't opened my mouth, though internally I was thanking him, and apologizing to him, because he was the only one who tried to make me happy, though he knew in his heart I can never repay him with the same love. He turned around to give me one last hug and whispered me a happy new year before heading out. I stared at his back for a while until he faded into my sight, and I went in feeling even more depressed than I should be.

 

 

 

 

December 31, 2015

          I woke up quite late as my bedside clock told me it was already noon. The winter breeze still lingered as I removed my blanket and stood up. Ha. I scoffed internally, it has already been four years since he had left me. I got up went to the bathroom. I faced the mirror and scoffed once again. Ha. I still look as pathetic as I did then.

          My mind flashes back to that night, just a day after Christmas, already filled with tears of sadness. Though it seemed like it has been long, the image of his face was still clear to me.

 

          "Let's stop pretending that we will be able to make it past them, Eunji. You and I know the heavens won't bow in our favor. They... they want me to study abroad... and I don't want to hurt anyone in the process." He held my cheek, his warm hand making me feel dread instead of comfort. "I know it sounds horrible, and I don't like it more than you do either. But after I finish my studies there, then I'd run to you-- I really will. Hopefully I could pop the question and you'd still love me then. Hmm?" He tried to reassure me with his smile.

          I wanted to say this could be a good opportunity for him, but then I know his family, they hated my guts ever since they met me. But somehow love had made us overcome the boundaries, and forget the rules. Just when we thought that we were at a standstill, we were finally struck with a blow hard enough to make us doubt our relationship. And, for once, I wanted to be selfish; I wanted him to stay with me. We planned too much of our future together that we forgot that we had problems with our present. And I wanted to remind him of that, but I ended up seeing his tears. I ended up realizing he was giving in to their orders so that he could secure the future we planned. And somehow, nothing came out of me, as I weakened in his hug.

 

          The four years came as a storm hovering over me. And, as Jungkook suggested, I tried each day, to be happy. I did. Though, the memories that recur in random moments always make me yearn for a happiness that is unreachable. I still find myself crying. Ever since that day I have lost contact with him. I know they would try everything in their power to get rid of me, and after a year of trying to reach him, I realized trying wasn't even valid. And as time passed, I went on looking okay, trying to be okay, but never really. Jungkook helped me through hard times, though the hardest times I couldn't bring myself to go to him. The memories really never stop replaying.

          I went to open the door as soon as I heard knocks. Jungkook greeted me and I smiled. "Just a little bit more before the new year. Are you ready to go?" He asks and stands beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I nodded and I locked my front door before heading out.

          The day went as normal, stories of all sorts were talked about, jokes and pranks inserted in between those statements. It was like how it was back when we were kids. Just plain old tricks and games. And sometimes I find these scenes satisfying than facing the reality of adult life. We arrived at a bench, and decided this was the perfect spot to watch the fireworks.

          We sat on the bench waiting for time to pass by. Only a few minutes before midnight. Jungkook suddenly stood up and told me he wanted to buy some sparklers, and told me to wait for him here. I nodded as I took in my surroundings. The Han River looks marvelous, still.

          "Excuse me, miss." A very deep voice startled me, as I faced the man, whose mouth is covered with his scarf, and eyes covered by sunglasses-- even in nighttime, yes. I looked at him, as if to ask what he wanted.

          "I have heard that tonight, an alien will arrive to discover humans' most precious creature. I have come from overseas just to speculate this matter. Have you, perhaps, spotted a UFO lurking around?" He said, as if wanting to sound normal. Though, even with a girly voice it wouldn't even sound sane.

          I looked him in the eyes, at least tried to, trying to suppress a laugh. "No, sir. And I'm sorry to burst your bubble but I believe aliens do not exist. They probably won't come here even if the humans' most 'precious creature' exists." I crossed my arms, and he imitated me. He closes the gap between us until only inches were left. I threw my head back but he kept coming. "S-sir.." The wind blew and it smelled of strawberries, though they don't grow anywhere near here. I found myself leaning towards him. Our noses touched and I realized I was nose to nose with a stranger. I immediately stood up, my face near his scarf that I side-stepped so he wouldn't close in on me. I wanted to run, but I don't want Jungkook to wait alone here. I turned my back on the creepy guy, only to be restrained. The man back-hugged me tight that I almost couldn't breathe. His arms engulfed mine to my waist, and I tried my best to flail my feet to advance on him. My voice seemed to fade, as I fail to make a sound.

          "What if I told you, you are the Earth's most precious creature?" He whispered and something was off in his voice, it somehow softened. "And I was the alien sent to search for you?" His hug loosened but not enough for me to escape.

          "You must be crazy! Let go before I hit you and report you to the police!" I finally managed to say. I kept flailing.

          "Oh come on Taehyung. Stop hurting her." I heard a voice as well as a chuckle that is most likely owned by Jungkook. Taehyung..? The man finally let go. Kim Taehyung...

          "You're no fun, as always, Jungkookie," the man said. It was strange, and maybe I was hallucinating, but Jungkook was there, talking to psychotic man who hugged me, even calling him...

          "Taehyung?" I asked myself. That name was always in my head, although never spoken of.

          The stranger removes his shades, and pulls down his scarf. He gives out the brightest psychotic smile and I figured... Yes, this is Taehyung. I walked closer to him, examined his face, and pinched it.

          "Owww!" He whined and I went Jungkook.

          "Kook-ah.. pinch me?" Jungkook placed the sparklers on the bench and pinched my cheeks with both of his hands. It hurt. It freaking hurt.

          Then I was struck by the truth. The man whom I yearned for was right in front of me. The man who made me wait four long years was finally back, and actually back like nothing happened. I faced Taehyung, gave him a slap right on his face, and I held Jungkook's hand, dragging him away from Taehyung. I don't know if it's because of all my anger finally bursting out, or if I simply wanted to cry but I don't want him to have the satisfaction of seeing me weak. Maybe it was both, because tears fell, and my heart, once again, broke.

          I heard my name being called, and I knew it was Taehyung. I walked faster, but Jungkook stopped me. "Ji.. Let's stop. Let's wait for Taehyung."

          I let go of his hand and faced him. "I already waited too long, Kook. Now tell me why I should still wait for him, tell me why I should still have him, tell my why I should still love him! This is unfair," I said, tears falling incessantly.

          Jungkook wiped away my tears. "I don't have to tell you why you should still love him, because I know you still do. And escaping him would only hurt more, and will only bring regrets. Because like you, I waited. I waited, and am still waiting. Because I love you, and that's what love does to a person, Ji. At least now, you won't have to wait any more, because he's finally here."

          Taehyung finally caught up with us, panting. As soon as he saw me, he immediately hugged me. "I'm sorry, for making you wait, for making you cry.. I'm sorry I left you behind. And I'm sorry that I had to apologize for so many things to you. I never stopped loving you, even with that far distance away from you. And if you allow, I will now be the one who waits for you, no matter how long. I love you, Hyunji... I love you and will always love you with all my heart."

          I pushed him away from the hug. I looked in his eyes, trying to find the right answer. I love you, too, I wanted to say badly. But remembering everything I have been through makes me worry about our future, and I don't want more of this for me. However, as I looked in his eyes, as fresh tears glimmered in the moonlight, I figured he would endure every pain, just like I did.

          "It's okay, Hyunji," he says as he wipes his tears. "I can wait until you can answer me, until you clearly know what you want. But please give me the chance to prove I'm honest and sincere about pursuing you." He gives me one final hug, and says, "See you tomorrow. We have a lot of catching up to do. Happy new year, Hyunji."

          He then turns to Jungkook, placing one hand on his shoulder. "Take her home for me," he requests and Jungkook nodded.

          He finally turns his back on us, and walks away. As I face his backside a flashback of when he left me four years ago replayed. I remember crying so badly, shouting his name, hoping he would look back, but he didn't. There was that same prick in my chest as the last time, only now I was more foolish, letting him go when he actually wanted to stay.

          "Taehyung-ah!" I bellowed. He finally stops in his pace, and I just ran. I ran to him and embraced him with all my might, with all my strength, with all my love. I almost couldn't let go. He turned to hug me back, and I could smell strawberries again, accompanied by the scent of my tears.

          "I don't want to lose you like this again, for the second time," I told him, and he removed his hands from the hug and held my cheeks with his two hands.

          "You won't. Not ever. I love you, Hyunji..." He smiles, even though he was already crying.

          "I love you, too."

          He leans in, and we kiss. We kiss and it's as if everything was the way it was back then. It's as if four years didn't make any difference, because we loved each other as much. I realized, time isn't a limit for love, and I guess nothing ever is. Because once you love someone, it bridges all the gaps together, even the time lost.

 

 

 

Author's Note: Thank you for actually going through all of it. haha