Smell of hygiene.

 

Smell of antiseptic.

 

Smell of death.

 

“First of all, I’ll say welcome to the new hospital. In here, you’ll find a lot of new friends and I’m sure that the food tastes better than any of the hospital you’ve ever been.”

 

The doctor says with cheerful tone, but it doesn’t seem to impress Seulgi at all. She leans back to her seat, crossing her arms against her chest and stares at the female doctor in front of her. Her parents are sitting on either side of her, giving a thankful smile at the doctor who’s attempting to make their daughter smile.

 

Seeing that the girl doesn’t even twitch her lips, the doctor blinks before going through the document on her table while clearing .

 

“So,” She starts off. “I see that you’ve been placed in the transplant list for couple of months now. That’s great, not everybody got a chance like you.”

 

“Yeah, like having all the needles stuck in for a mere test that doesn’t even matter because I won’t get a donor anytime soon.” Seulgi hums indifferently.

 

“Seulgi!” Her mother hisses, sending the girl a stern look before turning to the female doctor with a sheepish smile. 

 

“That is the risk.” The doctor nods. “You can’t have everything in life that easy.”

 

“I didn’t ask for it.” Seulgi replies curtly.

 

“Seulgi.” Her father says softly, giving his daughter a look of disapproval at her attitude towards the doctor.

 

The doctor glances over between the parents before flipping to the next page of her document.

 

“Right now, your heart conditions is—still haven’t worsened since the last examination on your previous hospital, but I’ll need you to take the examination once again to see make sure that you don’t have to use VAD.” She explains as she looks over the papers. “We’ll still monitor you closely to keep your health in control so you can proceed with the surgery as soon as the donor is found.”

 

“How long?” Seulgi suddenly asks, making all people in the room turn their heads to her.

 

“Yes?” The doctor perks up and smiles professionally, a fake smile that makes Seulgi sick to her stomach.

 

“How long do I have until I die? How long can I survive without a donor?” Seulgi asks flatly as if the matter of dying and living doesn’t bother her at all.

 

The doctor’s smile falters immediately at the question as she darts her eyes to the side. Seulgi the inner side of her cheek, feeling smug for making the doctor loses her facade. She has had enough of every fake smile from the doctors who tried to reassure her that she’s going to live for long.

 

“Seulgi, I told you not to say something like that.” Her mother hisses, squeezing onto the girl’s hand.

 

“You’ll survive for quite a while as long as you take your medication and listen to us.” The doctor answers simply. “Really, you’ll survive long enough, if you want to live.”

 

She darts her eyes back to Seulgi when she says the few last words, as if emphasizing them to the girl. If you want to live. Seulgi raises her brows slightly and trails her eyes down to the tag on the doctor’s white coat. Dr. Jessica Jung.  

 

“Alright,” Seulgi nods exaggeratedly. “Thanks for answering my question, Dr. Jung.”

 

“You’re welcome, sweetheart.” Jessica smiles sweetly, ignoring the tension in the room. “I think that’s all for today, you can go to your new room now, the nurse outside will guide you.” She says, gesturing to the door behind them.

 

“Thank you, doctor.” The parents smile appreciatively and bow their heads as the walk over to the door, followed by Seulgi who seems to be ignorant about everything around her.

 

She has been pretty ignorant about most of the things in life, especially after knowing that she won’t even stay in this world for that long. How did it start exactly? Seulgi could remember that she used to be cheerful and energetic, at least that’s what the old pictures on the album told her.

 

She was living a happy life like any other kids, born healthy, had nice parents and family, had friends and laughed a lot like any other kids. She was just like any other lucky kid, cheerful and happy. She liked to sing and would try to sing along everytime her mother played a song on the radio. Seulgi dreamed to be a singer like those she heard on radio or watched on TV.

 

That was until one certain day when she was five years old and had to stay in the hospital for few days for the first time in her life. She didn’t know what’s wrong, she was playing monkey bars with her brother in jungle gym near the park, and then suddenly, she couldn’t breath. She fell to the ground and felt a piercing pain inside her chest, it was so painful that she cried hysterically. She cried for her mother until she passed out.

 

Leaky heart valve, that’s what the doctor said to her parents. What an unfortunate thing to happen, said her father. How could it be, she’s such a nice girl, cried her mother. Seulgi was supposed to be asleep at that hour, but she stayed awake listening to the devastating conversation between her parents.

 

Seulgi didn’t understand that time, but her parents eventually forbid her from playing with her brother like usual, they also took her to the hospital a lot. Even though Seulgi cried, saying that she didn’t like the smell of hospital or that the thing that was placed on her chest was cold and scary, they kept dragging her into the hospital once in a month.

 

Seulgi rebelled once, few years since the first time she was sent to the hospital. She ignored the doctor’s words and played around with her friend, what was it again—ah, playing chase. It was really fun until the same thing happened, the pain in her chest and the suffocating feeling in . She was sent to the hospital and stayed there for few nights, being scolded by the doctor and her parents.

 

Since that time, Seulgi knew what’s wrong with her. She’s different from other kids, she’s sick and she’s dying. It’s not only one time Seulgi eavesdropped the conversation between the doctor and her parents, that’s why she knew that she’s practically dying.

 

How unfair, she thought. The birds can fly, the other kids can laugh freely, how people can talk about the future with hopeful eyes. Everybody but her.

 

How cruel, Seulgi often thought to herself on what did she do wrong, or if she did something terrible in her past life, what had she possibly done to deserve this kind of life. But then, she stopped thinking about herself and simply concluded that life is never fair.

 

She didn’t always think of herself as the most pitiful creature on earth though. She has watched movies and documentaries about people with disability and rare illness, but then she thought, at least they’ll live. At the end of the show, it would be about them talking about their will to live and how they’re glad to be alive even in that condition. Their faces were sparkling and Seulgi thought how lucky they were, how lucky they could still stay positive and dream about something.

 

It was crushed, her dream of becoming a singer ever since she was a kid, before she understood about her illness. Forget about being a singer, she almost got a seizure once after singing couple of songs with her brother who was attempting to cheer her up, only to made her feel worse after realizing that she couldn’t even sing anymore.

 

It never got better, her illness it is. It got worse and worse, Seulgi could feel it, even without needing to eavesdrop the conversation about how she couldn’t live long and how her health keep worsened, Seulgi knew that her heart couldn’t maintain her growing body.

 

Once a month visit became once per two weeks, and then once in a week, and then once in few days, and then everyday, and then in the end, she had to quit school and stay in hospital like a dying person she is. She lost everything, her friends, her school, her dreams, her bright smile and hopeful mind. She’s dead inside.

 

It’s just a matter of time until her body died too, along with her soul.

 

Seulgi is not sad, really. She has accepted death since long ago. She’s just angry to see everyone in her life who keep on pushing her, giving her hope, trying to make her live when they clearly know what she is going to die.

 

Why do they want her to live, when she herself doesn’t even care about living or dying?

 

Seulgi thought about suicide, really. But she’s too cowardly to pick up a razor blade or drank the whole pills in the bottle. She then read a lot of articles about how suicide is not a good thing and it won’t solve any problem, so she decided to let death come to her by its own.

 

Everyday, Seulgi can feel the death takes a step closer. Each time she opens her eyes in the morning, she can see death getting one step closer at her, waiting for the time to finally take her dead soul.

 

Funny, why would death take away something that’s already dead?

 

“Do you want us to stay here for the night?”

 

Seulgi perks up to the mother who’s standing next to her bed with a smile on her face. Seulgi can see the wrinkles in her mother’s face, can see her tired eyes and the twitch of her lips everytime she tries to look happy for her daughter.

 

“No. Just go home.” Seulgi says flatly, turning her eyes back to the TV in front of her hospital bed. Even though Seulgi doesn’t care where she’d die, her parents insist on affording a VIP room for her, which is actually pretty nice since she can watch TV, making her hospital life a bit less boring.

 

“Okay, then.” Her mother smiles sweetly, Seulgi’s long black hair before stepping back from the bed. “See you, sweetheart.”

 

“See you, Seulgi. Take care and listen to the doctor.” Says her dad before he guides her mother to the door.

 

“Bye mom, bye dad.” Seulgi waves a hand without turning her eyes from the TV, catching to the sound of closed door a moment later. She adjusts the pillows on her bed before leaning back again, staring blankly at SpongeBob episode on the TV.

 

How boring. The smell of hospital, the squeaking sound of the bed whenever she’s tossing around, the sound of light footsteps from the corridor, the scenery of other side of the building from her window, everything is the same.

 

Seulgi knows why she’s moved to this hospital, she heard the old doctor said that her previous hospital didn’t have the facilities to maintain her dying body, that’s why they moved her here, a nice hospital that’s known for keeping people who are dying with their own diseases.

 

Honestly, Seulgi prefers her parents to take her home instead and let her live a short life until her heart stops beating, probably when she’s in the middle of a nice sleep or buying groceries in supermarket. But when Seulgi offered that idea, her parents yelled at her.

 

Sighing, Seulgi turns the TV off with the remote and places it on the small desk next to her bed. She closes her eyes and leans back against her pillow, thinking about taking a short nap since she has nothing to do in the moment.

 

That is until she hears a knock on the door, probably the nurse or something. She turns her head and waits until the door is opened, however, the one who steps in is not a nurse. It’s a girl who’s wearing the same outfit as her, a hospital gown, so a fellow patient.

 

But what is she doing here?

 

“Hey.” The girl says, stepping closer to the bed. “I heard someone new is moving in today. I’m Bae Irene, from the room next to yours.” She smiles, pointing her finger at the wall, the next room.

 

“Oh.” Seulgi raises a brow. “What are you doing here, then?”

 

“Talking to you.” Irene says casually. “Must be boring being alone in such a big hospital, right?”

 

“I’m used to this.” Seulgi huffs ignorantly.

 

“What’s your name?”

 

Seulgi closes her eyes and the inner side of her cheek, trying to collect some patience that she has inside her rusty body. “Kang Seulgi.”

 

“Seulgi.” The girl nods, her face lightens up with smile. “What’s your hobby? Do you like to read or maybe you like to do art?”

 

“I have no hobby.” Seulgi says flatly. “It’s pointless.”

 

“It’s not pointless.” Irene argues. “Doing something you like is never pointless.”

 

“I’m going to die anyway.” Seulgi replies, finally turning her eyes to look at the girl.

 

She is so pale, Seulgi can even see some veins on her white skin, she has eyebags and her face clearly shows that she’s terribly sick, just like her. She has beautiful straight long hair and her face is quite pretty, minus the zombie-like skin and terrifying eyebags, of course.

 

“You’re going to die too.” Seulgi says softly, raising her brows to emphasis the fact in her words. “What’s the point?”

 

Seulgi can see how Irene’s face falters at the words. Her lips are no longer stretched into a smile and she’s staring at her with empty eyes. Seulgi feels bad for pointing out the fact brutally like that, but fact is fact, why waste time in daydreaming about living a long life or getting cured?

 

But the sight of the other’s face makes Seulgi feels a little bit guilty.

 

“Sorry.” She mumbles quietly and closes her eyes, feeling tired suddenly.

 

“We’re still alive now.” Irene suddenly says, making Seulgi opens her eyes to look at her again. “At least we’re still alive, still breathing, still able to wake up in the morning. You’re still able to talk to me and I’m still able to walk all the way to your room, don’t you think it’s a wonderful thing?” Irene steps closer, smiling sweetly at the girl on the bed.

 

“Don’t think about death, it will happen to everyone, not just me and you. Think about life, because not everybody can stay alive today like us. Even if we’re going to die soon, at least we’d get to have some fun. I’d be glad if I could think about the best moments in my life when the day of my death came.” Irene says softly before stepping away from the bed and walks over to the door.

 

Seulgi watches with blank face as Irene closes the door again, leaving her alone in the bed thinking about the words Irene just said.

 

For the first time, Seulgi meets someone who accepts the fact that she’s going to die so lightly. Instead of telling her positive thought and giving her hope, Irene actually says that she’s going to die. She doesn’t deny the fact and doesn’t daydream about living longer.

 

From all the hospital she has been at, she has never met a patient like Bae Irene.

 

 

 

❖

 

 

 

“Have you met anyone in the hospital aside from the nurses?”

 

Jessica asks as she scribbles something on her clipboard.

 

“The girl next door.” Seulgi answers quietly with a sigh.

 

“Bae Irene?” Jessica perks up from her writing to look at Seulgi. “Not surprising, she’s a very friendly person.”

 

“She told me that we’re going to die, both of us.” Seulgi says again. “She doesn’t lie like the others.”

 

Jessica stops her writing and places the pen back into her coat pocket with a sigh.

 

“I hate to lie too, but as a doctor, I know that there is a possibility that you both can survive.” Jessica a brow. “You girls think you know so much. Everytime I explain about the possibilities and everything, you say that I’m lying.”

 

“You mean things like 10% successful rate of surgery?” Seulgi snorts.

 

“It’s called possibility for us. For you, it’s called hope.” Jessica states. “Anyway, Irene is playing with the kids in the playroom, why don’t you join her?”

 

“Why should I join her?” Seulgi blinks incredulously.

 

“To see if you still remember how to interact with fellow human being.”

 

“What kind of doctor are you?” Seulgi deadpans.

 

“One of the best.” Jessica smiles.

 

With the direction guide from the nurse and hospital staff, there she sees Irene, sitting in front of the children and reads a story for them.

 

“And as she so stood, and had not one single thing left, suddenly some stars from heaven fell down, and they were nothing else but hard smooth pieces of money, and although she had just given her shirt away, she had a new one which was of the very finest linen.”

 

Irene speaks softly and just now Seulgi realizes that her voice actually sounds nice and kind of soothing, no wonder the kids look so focused on her.

 

“Then she put the money into it, and was rich all the days of her life.”

 

Irene ends the story with a smile, earning applause from the kids. She perks head up and sees Seulgi standing in the doorway.

 

“Seulgi!” She calls out suddenly, making Seugi jolts slightly in surprise.

 

The kids immediately turn their heads to her before staring back at Irene questioningly.

 

“Noona, who is she?” Asks the little boy.

 

“She’s Seulgi, my new friend.” Irene says cheerfully and Seulgi raises her brow because since when did they become friends?

 

Irene gestures for her to come closer and she sighs before walking closer, sitting together with the kids. Seulgi watches as a little girl crawls over and looks up to her, staring at her so intensely that Seulgi has to raise a brow questioningly, wondering what the girl wants from her.

 

After a while though, the girl suddenly climbs to her lap and sits comfortably, telling Irene to tell another story. Seulgi stays frozen, surprised to have a little girl suddenly sits on her lap as if she’s some kind of chair, but makes no move to shoo the little girl away.

 

Irene laughs at the sight before she starts to tell another story, turning the kids’ attention back on her as she listens attentively. Seulgi is too old for storytelling and fairytale, so she darts her attention to the little girl on her lap, her fingers on the black long hair of the girl, braiding her up because she has nothing to do with her hands.

 

The little girl is so happy though and she shows the other kids her new hairstyle that Seulgi created for her. The other girls get jealous and crawl over to Seulgi, asking her to braid their hair too and Seulgi complies, telling her to line up nicely so she can work better.

 

Seulgi barely realizes that all the time she’s braining the girls’ hair, her lips are stretched into a smile.

 

She also doesn’t realize how Irene stares at her with a warm smile on her face.

 

“Oh, I’m so tired.” Irene yawns as they walk back to their rooms.

 

“What did you do?” Seulgi hums questioningly.

 

“Telling the story for the kids.”

 

“It’s just telling a story.” Seulgi glances at her and raises her brows.

 

“Oh, don’t forget that I’m fighting too.” Irene adds, pointing her finger in the air.

 

“Fighting who?” Seulgi snorts lightly.

 

“Brain cancer.”

 

Seulgi almost trips on her own feet at the answer. The way Irene says it is so light and casual, as if there’s nothing wrong about it, as if she’s saying that she’s fighting her sleepiness through the day. The way back to the rooms turn into an awkward silence as Seulgi contemplates about what she’s going to say about it. Suddenly, she feels like a for stating that Irene is going to die on the first time they met. Did she add salt to the wound?

 

“How bad?” Seulgi asks softly, her voice is quiet and careful.

 

“Hmm, it depends on how you see it.” Irene frowns thoughtfully. “I’m having another surgery in three months though, which means I still have hope.”

 

Another. So Irene has went on surgery more than once just like Seulgi, and she assumes that the surgeries didn’t do much with the illness since she’s still stuck here, just like Seulgi.

 

“Surgery .” Seulgi sighs.

 

“It does.” Irene nods in agreement.

 

Irene stops her step once she reaches the room and Seulgi continues to walk until she reach hers, which is just few steps away from Irene’s room. She turns the door handle and is about to step in until a voice stops her.

 

“What are you fighting against?”

 

Seulgi perks up to see Irene looking at her with a small smile, and she secretly likes how Irene talks about their illness like it’s nothing.

 

“Heart failure.”

 

Seulgi replies quietly before stepping inside the room.

 

 

 

❖

 

 

 

Since that on, Irene would greet her every morning after the morning examination. Seulgi would try and ignore her, but in the end, she greets her back. It starts with a deadpan, but slowly, she starts to smile back at Irene. The elder then comes back to her room after lunch to drag her around the hospital. Seulgi always refuses at first, but after Irene holds her hand and tugs on it pleadingly, she agrees with an exasperated sigh.

 

Not only the kids, Irene also drags her to the hospital lounge and introduces Seulgi to her friends, hospital friends who are dying just like them. There are Baekhyun the diva-ish guy, Wendy the loud girl, Jungyeon the badass, and other people with unique personality.

 

It’s been a while since Seulgi talks to anyone other than her family and hospital staff, so it’s a bit awkward to her to join the conversation. But all the people are so nice and make her feel accepted.

 

For once, she remembers how to joke again, how to laugh again, how to share her stories with other people again.

 

She can actually feels her heart beating

 

 

 

❖

 

 

 

“Come, let me show you the park. It’s really pretty and they even have swing rides.”

 

Irene says cheerfully as she drags Seulgi through the corridors. The girl is too tired to argue with Irene, briefly wondering where did she get all that energy considering that she’s terribly sick too. Seulgi stares at Irene’s long hair that moves around as they stride down the hall. Don’t people with cancer are usually bald? It’s such a shame if they have to cut such a beautiful hair.

 

Seulgi trails her eyes down to Irene’s hand that is holding onto her own. It’s warm. She has never paid attention about trivial things like this, about how warm it feels to touch other living people, how warm it feels when someone approach her and drags her into a new world.

 

Maybe, this hospital is not that bad.

 

“You have cold hands.”

 

Irene says as she swings lightly on her ride.

 

“Do I?” Seulgi replies, looking down at her own hands. “I guess I do.”

 

“It’s okay.” Irene says, scraping her feet on the ground to stop the swing. “Cold hands mean warm heart, you know.”

 

Seulgi blinks at her before snorting loudly. “What the hell.”

 

“Hey, my mother told me that!” Irene pouts.

 

“Then what does warm hands mean?” Seulgi hums. “You got warm hands.”

 

“Warm hands mean I am alive.”

 

Seulgi freezes for a moment and turns her head to Irene, seeing a bright smile plastered on her face.

 

Her heart that used to feel so cold slowly gets warmer.

 

 

 

❖

 

 

“You smile more, you look happier.”

 

Her mother says, staring a Seulgi with bright eyes as if she finds a hope in her.

 

“Do I?” Seulgi replies ignorantly while munching on her hospital lunch. Jessica was right, it doesn’t taste that awful, but it still awful compared to McD’s.

 

“Yeah, few days ago I saw you sitting together with Baekhyun and the others in the longue. You guys look like you’re having fun, but remember not to laugh aloud in the hallways, okay?”

 

Jessica hums as she writes down on the clipboard like usual.

 

“You got a lot of friends.” Her mother beams and turns her head to Jessica. “Thank you, doctor.”

 

“Don’t thank me, I didn’t do anything.” Jessica laughs. “You should probably thank Bae Irene, the patient in the next room who was stubborn enough to make her leave the room everyday.”

 

“Oh, is she free now?” Her mother asks with a smile.

 

“Mom, don’t you have to go back to work?” Seulgi sighs quietly.

 

“Right, I guess I’ll have to thank her another time. Bye, sweetheart.” Her mother places a quick kiss on her head before leaving the room.

 

“Your mother is a really nice woman.” Jessica says, slipping the pen back into her coat pocket.

 

“She is.” Seulgi nods quietly as she continues to eat.

 

“Your mother and Irene’s mother are quite alike. But both of you are so different.”

 

Seulgi looks up to the doctor and squints at her. Jessica shrugs her shoulders lightly and rolls her eyes.

 

“Well, eat up and call the nurse once you’re done, okay? Rest well.” Jessica says before turning around to the door.

 

“Doctor,” Seulgi calls out and Jessica turns her head at the call, “is she alright?”

 

There’s a silence for a while as the doctor and patient stares at each other before Jessica drops her gaze to the floor, making Seulgi’s heart sinks a bit.

 

“I’m a heart specialist, not a cancer specialist.” Jessica sighs quietly and purses her lips into a smile. “But she’s a strong girl.”

 

Seulgi watches as Jessica walks out the door and closes it.

 

For once, she thinks about death and life.

 

 

 

❖

 

 

Somewhere in the middle of the night, Seulgi stirs awake by the sound of hurried footsteps from the corridor outside her room.

 

Maybe one of the patients needs an urgent treatment. She has heard the similar sounds before in so many hospitals she had been staying at. People died everyday and death is not a big deal for her, not when she has spent so much time in the hospital.

 

Thinking nothing much of it, Seulgi slips back into her slumber.

 

Tomorrow, Irene is going to greet her again like usual. What an annoying and persistent girl, it’s funny to find such a stubborn girl who has given up in life.

 

Given up in life.

 

It would be nice though if Irene didn’t give up.

 

If Irene stayed alive until her hair grew white.

 

Seulgi is sure it would still look beautiful despite the light and dull color.

 

 

 

❖

 

“Let’s pray for Baekhyun’s surgery tomorrow.”

 

Wendy says as she leans back to the couch in the middle of hospital lounge.

 

“What’s the success rate? 30%?”

 

“That’s thin, but Baekhyun always stays positive about it.”

 

“He says that he’s going to kick my once he finished the surgery.”

 

Soon, the other patients begin to talk about Baekhyun and the surgery for his advanced stage of cancer. It’s unfair how someone as bright and cheerful as him should get that kind of illness, but then again, life is never fair.

 

Seulgi glances over at the empty spot on at the end of the couch, the spot where Baekhyun usually sits, but the latter is preparing for his surgery tomorrow.

 

“Seulgi-ah, we better sneak out to karaoke place once I’m finished with this stupid surgery.”

 

It’s what Baekhyun said to her few days ago, the last time she saw Baekhyun with his cocky grin. She turns her head to the other side of the couch, noticing another empty spot.

 

Irene is not here today.

 

It’s weird since Seulgi didn’t get her morning greeting as usual today. She knocked on Irene’s room, but there were no answer and when she peeked from the door, the bed was empty. She asked the nurse about Irene and she told her something about getting an examination or test. Seulgi didn’t ask further though, after all both of them would get examination everyday so she figured that it’s just another usual examination for Irene.

 

“Oh my, look at the time. It’s time for my medication.” Wendy gasps as she stares at the clock hanged on the wall.

 

“Oh, I’d have my medication too in an hour.” Jungyeon says as she quickly stands up from the couch.

 

Soon after, they bid their farewell and go back to their own rooms before the nurses come and scold them. Seulgi sighs softly and walks back to her room, all the way, she thinks about Baekhyun and the possibility of him not surviving the surgery.

 

It’s been years since Seulgi quitted school and honestly, she has forgotten how it felt to hang out with friends. Who knew that she would feel it again in a hospital, special hospital for people who are dying with deadly illness? But she has friends right now, and it makes her sad to think that maybe Baekhyun will not open his eyes again tomorrow.

 

Seulgi perks up to see the door to Irene’s room. Wondering if she’s finished with her examination, Seulgi knocks on the door before opening it slowly.

 

There Irene is, laying in bed quietly that Seulgi thinks the latter is sleeping, but then she turns her head and smiles when she sees Seulgi stepping in. Seulgi walks closer to the bed and notices that something is wrong, Irene looks ten times tired than she usually was, her face is paler and her eyebags are darker.

 

“What happened?” Seulgi asks as she takes a hold on Irene’s weak hand that’s laid on the bed. “You okay?”

 

Irene smiles and nods her head. “Last night’s battle was tough…” She chuckles quietly and Seulgi gives her a sympathetic look.

 

Then she remembers about last midnight when she heard the hurried footsteps from the hallway, an emergency patient. Could it be—

 

“Last night was—you?”

 

“Did I wake you up?” Irene raises her brows. “Sorry.”

 

“No, I just heard footsteps.” Seulgi says reassuringly. “What happened?”

 

“Just headache, a terrible one.” Irene sighs, pointing at her eyebags. “You know where did I get these? Thanks to the awful headache that I got almost every night.”

 

“Don’t they have painkillers?” Seulgi frowns slightly.

 

“Seulgi, I’d die because of my kidney if I took painkillers everytime the headache strike me.” Irene laughs quietly, the sound of her laugh is breathy and weak.

 

“You know,” Seulgi says, rubbing her thumb in circle on Irene’s hand. She realizes that she has been holding the frail hand for a while, but she doesn’t feel like letting it go. “Baekhyun is going to have his surgery tomorrow, the chance is 30%”

 

Irene stares at her for a moment before closing her eyes. “That’s—pretty thin.”

 

Seulgi nods quietly and stares at Irene’s face, eyes closed and lips slightly chapped. Suddenly she can’t breathe, not because of her heart, but something does clench inside her chest.

 

“What about you?” Seulgi mutters brokenly and Irene opens her eyes to look at her. “How much is the success rate for your surgery?”

 

Irene stares at her for a moment, her eyes are blank but Seulgi notices moves slightly as she swallows.

 

“Big enough for the doctor to put faith in it.”  

 

 

 

❖

 

 

“He was fine three days after the surgery, but it went downwards.” Jessica says, patting onto Seulgi who’s crying quietly as she stares out of her window.

 

“It’s 30%.” Seulgi sniffles quietly, still looking outside the window even though her vision is blurred by tears.

 

“It is.” Jessica sighs quietly and moves her hand to pats on Seulgi’s head. “Don’t cry too much, you heart won’t be pleased.”

 

Seulgi is still staring out of the window even after Jessica leaves the room. In the back of her mind, she already knows that Baekhyun won’t make it, she has been pretty used with all this death thing after all, for she is dying too herself. But there’s something in the back of her mind that tells her that Baekhyun might survive, but he didn’t

 

It hurts, losing a friend is so painful. Losing someone is so sad, so lonely.

 

Wiping the tears from her face, Seulgi slowly steps down from her bed and walks out of the room. She glances over to the side and slowly walks over to Irene’s room. She knocks gently on the door and waits for a few seconds before cracking the door open, only to be greeted by Irene who’s sobbing hard on her hospital bed, the moonlight illuminated her room and lights her face.

 

“Seulgi…” Irene mutters brokenly as Seulgi steps closer. “Come here.” She sniffles, shifting slightly before patting a spot on the bed.

 

Seulgi nods and gets onto the bed, sitting quietly next to Irene who’s wiping the tears away with her hand.

 

“I can’t believe he is gone.” Irene sniffles quietly.

 

“Yeah.” Seulgi hums weakly. “He told me about going to karaoke together…”

 

“He told me about going to a club.” Irene snorts lightly. “Can you imagine that?”

 

“That’s Baekhyun.” Seulgi smiles weakly, feeling the tears b in her eyes again.

 

The silence falls upon the room as they sit next to each other on the bed, eyes staring blankly into space as they think about everything, about life and death, about the thin line that they can cross anytime, in any unexpected moment.

 

Seulgi knows that death always takes a step closer each time she wakes up in the morning. She doesn’t mind, she’s not afraid of death, she already braced it by the time she learned about her illness. But seeing how Baekhyun’s death affected the others, she can’t help but to think what would happen to the others if she died.

 

All this time, she only thought about herself, about her life, her illness, her death, but she never thought about the others, didn’t she?

 

She didn’t think about her brother who would always spare his time after school just to play or visit her in the hospital. She didn’t think about her parents who worked hard day and night to pay for her hospital fee, to keep her alive. She didn’t think about Jessica who has been treating her like her own daughter. She didn’t think about her friends that she has made in this hospital.

 

She could say she wanted to die so easily, but what about them?

 

Seulgi could feel the tears pour down from her eyes again at the thought. How did her parents feel when Seulgi told them to stop putting her in hospital and just let her die in peace. She was basically asking her parents to kill their own daughter. What had she done?

 

“Seulgi.” Irene calls out with cracked voice and Seulgi turns her head to her, seeing the tears trail down her cheeks.

 

“I know that the first time we met, you talked about how we’re going to die and everything.” Irene says, her eyes still fixated on air, not looking at Seulgi. “I didn’t argue with the idea about how you’re dying, but now I think about something.”

 

Irene finally turns her head to Seulgi and stares into her eyes. She moves her hands to grab onto Seulgi’s and squeeze them desperately as if she’s going to lose the girl.

 

“I’m sorry, Seulgi, I changed my mind. Please, please don’t die, please live.” Irene sobs, squeezing onto the hands a little bit harder. “I don’t want to open my eyes to hear that you’re no longer here. Please, you have to survive and then I want to see you on TV or youtube, singing the songs that you write by yourself. If you can’t do that, at least I want to see you—I don’t know, watching TV or cooking or go to salon to get your nail done. I want to hear your voice when we talk on phone someday or maybe when we meet up after we’re out of here. I want to see you years from now and probably for a hundred years ahead.”

 

Seulgi lets out a broken sob at the words and squeezes back Irene’s hand, leaning forward to press their foreheads together as they cry.

 

“You too, Irene. Don’t die, you have to survive the surgery, you have to fight your cancer until it gives up and leaves you for good. I want to eat in the café that you said you wanted to open once you’re out of here, I want to drink your coffee—by that time, my heart would be able to handle caffeine already. I always thought that dying and living doesn’t matter but—I want to live, I want us to keep on living, everyone in this hospital.”

 

“Fight with me, Seulgi.” Irene whispers, closing her eyes and let the tears drip down onto the sheet, mixing with Seulgi’s tears. “Let’s fight together, I got your back and you got mine. Together, we will live.”

 

“Yeah.” Seulgi breathes out. “We will live.”

 

She lifts her gaze up and stares at Irene’s smiling face, though the tears are still b in her eyes, it just makes her look more beautiful. Seulgi knows that Irene is attractive, but she never realized that she’s this beautiful, so breathtaking. Despite her pale skin, dark eyebags, dry lips, she still shines brightly.

 

And Seulgi really hates to think that she might lose her anytime soon.

 

That night, they fall asleep next to each other on the bed, freaking the nurse out in the morning when she doesn’t find Seulgi in her room.

 

 

 

❖

 

 

“I was wondering why didn’t you get chemotherapy? Shouldn’t it be good for you?”

 

Seulgi asks as she helps Irene takes a seat next to her on the park bench. Ever since that midnight when Seulgi heard the footsteps, Irene has developed a difficulty in walking that she needs a crane to help her walk. Seulgi was seriously concerned, but Irene reassured her that it happened before and that she’d be fine after the surgery.

 

“I had one, but it didn’t help much.” Irene frowns thoughtfully, remembering the moment. “I felt worse than how I’m feeling right now.”

 

Seulgi snorts softly and shakes her head. “Your surgery is next month, right?”

 

“Yep.” Irene nods and turns to Seulgi.

 

“Then you’ll be out of here soon…” Seulgi smiles dryly, trying not to look sad at the fact that Irene is getting better soon.

 

“Hey,” Irene coos, placing a hand under Seulgi’s chin and gently tilts her face to look at her. “We’re going to leave this hospital together. Let’s go to Baekhyun’s grave after that.”

 

Seulgi smiles and drops her gaze down. “I haven’t even got a donor, you know.”

 

“You will.” Irene says reassuringly. “I’m sure you will.”

 

“Thanks.” Seulgi replies with a smile and looks up to the sky.

 

She never cared about getting a donor or not, but after the promise that she made with Irene that night, she starts to pray and hope for a donor to come soon.

 

Hope, it’s something that she has abandoned long ago, but after meeting Irene, after being pulled to her world, Seulgi is filled with hope. She sighs and closes her eyes, feeling the warm sunlight hits her skin through the trees.

 

Please help me get a donor soon so I can continue to live.

 

“Hey, Irene.”

 

Seulgi turns her head to the latter when she receives no response from the girl, only to tense up immediately when she notices something wrong. Irene is hunched forward, both her hands are placed on her forehead and Seulgi can see the beads of sweat on her pale neck.

 

“Irene, what’s wrong? Irene, are you okay?” Seulgi stutters in panic, taking a hold of Irene’s hand and notices how cold it is.

 

“Nurse…” Irene mutters brokenly between her gritted teeth and Seulgi realizes how much in pain the elder is.

 

Seulgi knows she has to calm down, she knows she has to control her breathing in order to stop her heart from beating so fast because her body can’t handle it. But she can’t be bothered about it when Irene is clearly in pain right now, the images of Baekhyun’s last smiling face strikes her and she really doesn’t want Irene to leave her, not now and not anytime soon.

 

“I’ll call the nurse, stay here.”

 

Seulgi quickly gets up from the bench and runs into the building, frantically running around while calling for the nurse.

 

“Nurse! Doctor! Help!”

 

One of the nurses immediately run over and asks her what’s wrong. Seulgi then says that Irene is in pain and is sitting on the park bench. She sighs in relief when the nurse runs to the park, leaving her leaning onto the wall, trying to catch her breath.

 

So much for running. Seulgi thinks to herself as she pants, trying to calm her breathing and her heartbeat.

 

But it doesn’t calm down.

 

Then Seulgi realizes that she’s not panting, she’s suffocating. She knows she has to calm down because getting panicked would just make everything worse, but she can’t help it when a pain starts to pierce her chest, the familiar pain that she felt years since the last time it happened. The pain that makes her thinks that she’s not going to open her eyes again after this.

 

She falls to the floor, clutching onto her hospital gown so desperately. She wants to cry out for the nurse, but her voice won’t even come out. It is a second later until she feels someone holds her body and lifts her up.

 

She closes her eyes and slips away from consciousness once she’s placed on the bed.

 

 

 

❖

Irene can feel the pieces of her heart screaming at the sight of Seulgi, lying on bed with all the wires attached on her body, connecting her to so many machines she has never seen before, creating so many beeping sounds and noise that she wonders if the nurse can mute them all so Seulgi can rest nicely. She’s breathing so quietly, Irene barely catches the sight of her rising and falling chest.

 

They said that Seulgi is fine, but her health has worsened, it always has through the years she grew up, she never got better, she always got worse.

 

Then Irene understands why Seulgi looks so dead when she saw the girl for the first time, as if Seulgi is very sure that she’s going to die and that nothing’s going to help her anymore.

 

Because unlike Irene who would get better after the surgery, Seulgi never got better. Seulgi knows and aware that she’s slowly dying.

 

She slowly reaches a hand and the side of Seulgi’s head so carefully, as if making sure that she won’t wake her up.

 

Sniffling quietly, she steps back from the bed and walks over to the door, though before she steps out of the room, she can hear murmur of conversation between the doctor and Seulgi’s parents.

 

“She really needs a donor, as soon as possible.” A woman’s voice that Irene assumes belongs to the doctor.

 

“How much time does she have? How long can she survive without a donor?” Another woman’s voice, shaky and cracking.

 

“If I’d have to judge from her condition right now… Three months is the maximum.”

 

Then Irene hears a heartbreaking cry from Seulgi’s mother and she can feel her heart breaks all over again.

 

Because it’s her fault that Seulgi becomes like this.

 

 

 

❖

 

 

Seulgi wakes up to her parents smiling face.

 

“You’re awake, finally.”

 

Her mother her head and smiles, but Seulgi doesn’t miss the sight of her bloodshot eyes. She knows her condition worsened, seeing that she wakes up with all the wires stuck in her body. She glances over to her father who’s having the same bloodshot eyes as her mother, guess it’s really a bad news.

 

“I’ll call Dr. Jung, okay?” Her father smiles before exiting the room, leaving Seulgi with her mother alone.

 

“Mom… Am I okay?” Seulgi asks, her voice raspy after few days she’s asleep.

 

“You are okay, sweetheart. You’re fine.” Her mother smiles reassuringly. “Your heart is just surprised to have you running suddenly, but it will be fine.”

 

Just then, Jessica steps into the room and Mrs. Kang quickly moves away from the bed, letting the doctor to check on her daughter.

 

“How are you feeling, tough girl?” Jessica smiles as she checks on the machines around the bed. “You’re feeling so tough that you forgot that you’re not part of power-puff-girls?”

 

Seulgi rolls her eyes at the question as she looks around the room.

 

“Is Irene fine?” She whispers weakly.

 

“She’s fine.” Jessica nods. “She’s still in her room and you’re here, so I guess you know how her condition is. Better than you.”

 

Seulgi nods her head, breathing a sigh of relief as she closes her eyes.

 

“Go back to sleep if you want.” Jessica coos gently and Seulgi feels herself slowly falling back to sleep.

 

It’s funny how she gets tired so easily when she’s this close to dying. It makes her a bit scared, thinking that she won’t open her eyes again by the next time she falls asleep.

 

 

 

❖

 

Seulgi is not allowed to leave the room, but she has some people visiting her from her family to her hospital friends. Wendy is on verge of tears when she looks at all the machines connected to her body. Jungyeon keeps on asking if she’s fine and not dying anytime soon in which Seulgi replies with a weak chuckle.

 

She then darts her eyes around, trying to find a certain girl that she has been missing for days now.

 

“Where is Irene?”

 

“Ah, I heard she’s having some test in another hospital or something. I think she’s preparing for her surgery.” Wendy says and the other nods.

 

Right, Irene is having her surgery soon. The thought makes Seulgi’s heart sink a little because there are so many things that could go wrong.

 

“Do you know the success rate of her surgery?” Seulgi asks again.

 

“She never told any of us about it.” Jungyeon says. “Do you know anything, Seulgi?”

 

“No.” Seulgi shakes her head. “She didn’t tell me too.”

 

 

 

❖

 

 

The only good news that Seulgi expected while she’s in this room is probably Irene visiting her or a meal package of McD’s for her lunch, but she doesn’t expect this kind of news.

 

“You’ll have your heart transplant surgery as soon as possible, so it will be—two weeks from now.” Jessica hums, looking through her documents. “Tell me you are ready, because that heart is.”

 

“Who…?” Seulgi asks quietly, still not believing that she’s going to get a donor as soon as her condition worsened.

 

“Since when did you hear that a hospital told the patient about the person who donated? It’s our regulation, stop being s nosy.” Jessica raises a brow and Seulgi sighs. “But you’re happy right? We have checked the donor and it match with you, the surgery would go well and I’m very confident about this.”

 

Seulgi gives a thankful smile and nods her head.

 

“So now, I will change your medication to prepare your body for the surgery. The heart you’re going to have is from someone else’s body, so to prevent rejection and infection, I’m going to have you consume specific medicines. They would have side effects, but not that terrible.”

 

Jessica explains as she stares at Seulgi, making sure that the girl understands. Seulgi nods her head and Jessica smiles again.

 

“Alright, just rest for now, tomorrow I will start the preparation for the surgery.”

 

 

 

❖

 

Seulgi opens her eyes again to see Irene by her side. She blinks few times to register the view before staring at the girl.

 

“Heard you got a donor, congratulation.” Irene smiles sweetly, lifting a hand to caress Seulgi’s pale face.

 

“Thanks.” Seulgi smiles. “How are you? Haven’t seen you in a while…”

 

“Pumped up for the surgery, I’m ready for the battle.” Irene puffs out her chest, making Seulgi laughs, though Irene’s face falters a moment later. “I’m sorry about this, it happened because of me, look at you…” Irene sighs sadly, trailing her eyes at the wires on Seulgi’s body.

 

“I know I’d end up like this with or without you.” Seulgi shakes her head.

 

“Hey, you’re going to get a transplant, no negative thoughts.” Irene says in warning and Seulgi chuckles lightly.

 

“I’m nervous.” Seulgi sighs. “I didn’t think it would happen this fast.”

 

“I told you that you’re going to get a donor, didn’t I?” Irene raises a brow and smiles. “Don’t be nervous, you’re going to make me nervous too.”

 

Seulgi stares at her.

 

“Our surgeries will be held on the same day.” Irene smiles and Seulgi blinks incredulously.

 

“Really?”

 

“Really.” Irene laughs. “We will fight together, Seulgi.”

 

“We will.” Seulgi hums, a big smile decorates her face.

 

“You know, I’ve never told you about the success rate of my surgery, didn’t I?” Irene suddenly says, surprising Seulgi a little bit at the sudden topic.

 

“You never.” She replies quietly, heart beating faster in anticipation, making the heart monitor beeps faster. Irene turns at the monitor with wide eyes before turning back to Seulgi again.

 

“Oh God, calm down!” Irene wheezes. “Okay, my success rate is 85% so calm down already, your heart is scaring me.” Irene says, squeezing one of Seulgi’s hands that’s not connected to the IV drip.

 

“That’s big.” Seulgi raises her brows in surprise.

 

“That’s why you don’t have to worry about me.” Irene grins. “We will survive, Seulgi. We will live together.”

 

Seulgi smiles back, feeling the tears prickling on the corner of her eyes. She’s really glad.

 

 

 

❖

 

 

Irene visits her everyday until a week before the surgery because both Seulgi and Irene have to go through intense medication and rest to prepare their bodies for the life-changing surgery.

 

Seulgi is squeezing on Irene’s hand when the latter is told to go back to her room. Irene gives her a sweet smile and reassures her that they’re going to see each other again after the surgery.

 

Seulgi knows, but she’s still afraid, there is still 15% of chance that Irene won’t make it and Seulgi doesn’t even know if her surgery would went well. There is still a chance for them not to see each other anymore and Seulgi is afraid.

 

Now that death is standing in front of her, she wishes that it can take a step back and leave her along for a long time.

 

 

 

❖

 

 

“Seulgi.”

 

The said girl stirs in her sleep, wondering if the voice comes for her dream or reality.

 

“Seulgi.”

 

She slowly flutters her eyes open, letting the vision comes into focus and blinks when she sees Irene standing by her bed.

 

“Irene?” Seulgi whispers quietly. “What are you doing here, the surgery is tomorrow.”

 

“I know.” Irene whispers back, leaning closer to Seulgi’s ear to speak easier. “I just want to see you.”

 

“I want to see you too but you know you should rest.” Seulgi sighs and looks up to the beanie on Irene’s head. “Your hair—“

 

“They shave it.” Irene says casually. “Would get in the way of the surgery don’t you think? It’s brain.” Irene says, knocking lightly on her head.

 

“You still look attractive, what the hell.”

 

“Shush you and your ridiculous mouth.” Irene shushes.

 

“I’m nervous.” Seulgi takes a deep breath and lets it out.

 

“Me too.” Irene hums. “Hey, Seulgi?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Promise me that you’re going to try singing after all of this gone well.”

 

Seulgi frowns slightly and blinks at the weird request. “Okay…”

 

“Promise me that you won’t talk about dying again.”

 

“…Okay…?”

 

“Promise me that you’ll take care of your new heart.”

 

“Of course…? Irene, what are you talking about? Why are you saying this?”

 

Irene smiles so sweetly and her face with her fingers. “I am afraid.”

 

“Afraid of what?” Seulgi whispers quietly, staring carefully into Irene’s glistening eyes.

 

“Of leaving.”

 

“Leaving what? The hospital?”

 

“Leaving.” Irene repeats with a smile.

 

“We will leave together, we will leave this hospital together, remember?” Seulgi smiles reassuringly.

 

Irene’s smile falters for a moment as she stares at Seulgi, making the latter blinks as she wonders what Irene is thinking about. Then Irene smiles again, the same bright smile that Seulgi saw on the first day since she arrived in the hospital.

 

“Yeah, we will, together.”

 

Irene whispers so quietly and leans closer, Seulgi knows what the elder is trying to do. If it was anyone else, Seulgi would turn her head away and asks what the hell is wrong with them, but this time, she closes her eyes and waits until Irene reaches her.

 

Then she feels it, a pair of lips pressed against her chapped ones. Irene’s lips are chapped too, probably from all the medication she’s taking, but it doesn’t make the kiss less sweet. Seulgi can feel the warmth, the gentleness, the power, the energy, all flowing from Irene to her.

 

When Irene pulls from the kiss, she looks down at Seulgi with those beautiful eyes glistening with tears and Seulgi feels like crying too for some reason.

 

“See you soon.”

 

“See you, Irene.”

 

With that, Irene gives her a last smile and slowly walks over to the door.

 

 

 

❖

 

 

“Are you ready?”

 

“I’m ready, mom.” Seulgi says with a smile, staring at her mother as the nurses move her bed to the surgery room.

 

“You’ll be okay, sweetheart. You will.” Her dad says, holding onto her small hand.

 

“I will, dad.” Seulgi smiles, watching her father slowly releases her hand when the nurse told her parents that they could only wait outside.

 

Seulgi stares at the ceiling as the nurses lift her body up and settle her on the surgery bed. She glances at a doctor in surgery outfit who is looking through all the equipment for the surgery.

 

“How are you feeling, tough girl?”

 

“Nervous.” Seulgi sighs.

 

“Oh, don’t be.” Jessica says as she takes a syringe and slowly pushes it through Seulgi’s skin. “Relax, close your eyes, you won’t feel anything after this.”

 

Seulgi does, ignoring the pain and closes her eyes, feeling her body slowly floats. As she drifts away from her consciousness, she remembers Irene’s smile and the kiss they shared last night.  

 

Yeah, we will, together.

 

Together.

 

 

 

❖

 

 

Seulgi slowly opens her eyes and registers the view of her hospital room’s ceiling above her. Then she slowly lifts a hand and places it against her chest.

 

Her heart is beating.

 

She’s alive.

 

She did it.

 

“Well, look at you tough girl, how are you feeling?”

 

The voice surprises her a bit, but she manages to turn her head to Jessica who’s looking over the heart monitor that’s connected to her body.

 

“Did it work?” Seulgi asks quietly, staring at the beeping heart monitor.

 

“Yup, congratulation. You have a new heart.” Jessica says cheerfully, but Seulgi can hear something off from the tone of her voice.

 

“What about Irene? Did she make it?” Seulgi asks, remembering that Irene had the surgery on the same day as hers.

 

“I’d appreciate it if you focus on your own healing for now.” Jessica huffs, writing something down on her clipboard. “I’ll go and call your parents, they have been wanting to see you so badly.”

 

Seulgi nods weakly and watches as Jessica walks out of the room.

 

She closes her eyes again and places a hand on her beating heart.

 

Thank you whoever you are.

 

 

 

❖

 

 

“I can’t believe this. Look at you!” Her mother squeals in happiness, wiping the tears of joy from her eyes at the sight of her daughter standing up on her own feet with a new heart inside her chest.

 

“You’ve worked hard, Seulgi.” Her dad says proudly, patting on the girl’s shoulder.

 

It has been days since she woke up and after taking bunch of examination, her body doesn’t show any sign of rejection tough she still needs to take examination for a week straight and then once per few months once she’s released from the hospital. She really can’t wait to tell the news to Irene.

 

“Seulgi, I’d like you to meet someone.” Her mother suddenly says, making Seulgi turns to her in confusion.

 

Mr. Kang gives her a smile before stepping out of the room and comes back with some people following behind him.

 

“This is Dr. Kim Taeyeon, the one who has been handling Irene. These are Irene’s parents.” Her dad says, introducing all the three people.

 

“Hello, nice to meet you all.” Seulgi bows politely. “How is Irene doing?”

 

The room falls silent immediately. Seulgi watches in confusion as Mrs. Bae cries and leans over to her husband who’s trying to calm her down. She turns her eyes to her own parents who are dropping their heads without saying anything. She then turns her eyes to Dr. Kim who stays silent at the question.

 

What is happening?

 

Just then, Jessica steps into the room and approaches the bed, her expression is unreadable.

 

“Dr. Jung, where is Irene?”

 

Jessica takes a deep breath and closes her eyes as she speaks.

 

“Bae Irene, age 23. Time of death: 12 of March 2016, 2:14 PM.”

 

Seulgi feels her heart drops and crushes into million of pieces.

 

“…What?”

 

Seulgi whispers into the air, wondering if she’s hearing things as the side effect of the surgery, but judging from the air and heartbreaking sight of Irene’s parents, Seulgi knows that Jessica is saying the truth.

 

And she can’t accept it.

 

“S-She told me that the success rate is 85%!” Seulgi snaps, turning her eyes to the other doctor. “Dr. Kim, what happened? It’s a big chance of success!”

 

Seulgi doesn’t realize that tears are already pouring from her eyes like a waterfall, her voice is cracking as each word that she blurts out. Her chest is in pain, not because of heart attack, but the pain rivals it.

 

“I’d like you all but Dr. Jung to leave the room, I’m going to talk to her.” Taeyeon says calmly to the parents.

 

They give a last glance to Seulgi before leaving the room quietly, leaving Seulgi who’s sobbing hard into her hands.

 

“Dr. Kim, tell me this is a mistake! She told me that it’s 85%! How could it be?” Seulgi cries pleadingly, grabbing a hold of the woman’s arm.

 

Taeyeon holds Seulgi and guides her back to sit her on the bed. Jessica walks over and sits next to her, rubbing onto the girl’s shoulders.

 

“Her success rate of the surgery is 15%, not 85%.” Taeyeon says calmly.

 

“W-What…?” Seulgi mutters under her breath. “She lied to me?”

 

“Not exactly.” Taeyeon frowns and her lips, as if trying to find the right words to say it.

 

“Seulgi,” Jessica says suddenly, turning the girl’s attention to her. “Remember when your condition worsened, the others told you that Irene was having test and examination for the surgery?”

 

Seulgi blinks, letting another tears trail down her cheeks before nodding her head quietly.

 

“It’s indeed for the surgery, but not for her cancer surgery.” Jessica takes a steady deep breath before speaks again. “It’s for heart transplant surgery.”

 

It takes almost a minute for the words to sink into Seulgi’s head, but when it did, Seulgi shakes her head in disbelief.

 

“What?” She breathes out, staring at Jessica.

 

“She had herself tested as a heart donor for you, and she passed. That’s when I told you I’ve found a donor for you.” Jessica says as the tears start to pool in her own eyes. “I didn’t tell you at first because it’s the hospital regulation not to speak anything about the donor even after the surgery, but I know you need an answer… So I’m telling you now…”

 

Seulgi stays frozen, unable to proceeds all the information she’s getting suddenly.

 

“B-But why…?”

 

Taeyeon stares at her before taking a seat next to Seulgi on the bed, sighing quietly as she stares into the space.

 

“Her success rate goes down at every surgeries that she took, but she always took them anyway, she said that she’s fighting her cancer and she doesn’t want to lose without a fight.” Taeyeon says quietly. “But when she found you laying on bed with all those wires, she asked my help to get her tested as your donor instead, and it matched.”

 

Seulgi sniffles quietly as she listens to Taeyeon’s words.

 

“She told me that rather than giving herself 15% chance to live, she’d rather give you the 85% to live. She knows she has 85% to die, and if she dies, then you’re getting her heart to live. I think that’s why she told you that her success rate is 85%.” Taeyeon sniffles softly, closing her eyes for a moment before opening them again. “Irene was really happy when she found out that she managed to be your donor. She jumped and cried in happiness… I’ve never seen her that happy, her whole face was shining brightly…

 

“But,” Seulgi sobs. “She promised me that we will live, and we will leave the hospital together. She told me she’d live too, she told we that we’re fighting together… She can’t do this to me…”

 

“She lives, Seulgi.” Jessica says, wiping a bead of tears with her finger. “She lives inside you. The beating heart inside your chest, it’s hers.”

 

Then it hits Seulgi, all the thing Irene said and done to her in the last moment of her life.

 

 

“Our surgeries will be held on the same day.”

“Really?”

“Really. We will fight together, Seulgi.”

 

Your body and my heart, we will fight together.

 

 

“Promise me that you’re going to try singing after all of this gone well.”

“Promise me that you won’t talk about dying again.”

“Promise me that you’ll take care of your new heart.”

 

Promise me all these things so I can leave in peace.

 

 

“I am afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

“Of leaving.”

“Leaving what? The hospital?”

“Leaving.”

 

I am afraid of leaving my life, leaving you.

 

 

“We will leave together, we will leave this hospital together, remember?”

“Yeah, we will, together.”

 

You will leave with my heart inside you, we’re together.

 

 

“See you soon.”

 

See you in another life, Seulgi.

 

 

Seulgi screams her heart out as she cries, letting Jessica and Taeyeon pull her into a hug.

 

Life is unfair, even when she’s getting a new life, she has to lose someone so precious. When she lives, Irene died.

 

 

 

❖

 

 

“Seulgi.”

 

Seulgi turns her head form the window she has been staring for the past hour to the woman who steps into her room with a kind smile. A second later, she recognizes her as Irene’s mother.

 

“Ma’am…”

 

“It’s okay.” Mrs. Bae smiles gently as she approaches the bed. “You’re leaving the hospital tomorrow right?”

 

Seulgi nods her head quietly and she smiles again.

 

“I’m glad, at least my daughter is alive inside you.” She says softly, reaching a hand to Seulgi’s long black hair that reminds her of her daughter’s. “Irene really likes you, so I hope you’re not sad or guilty about everything.”

 

Seulgi purses her lips and drops her head, unable to answer the question. The woman sighs with a softly smile and takes out something from her bag before handing it to Seulgi.

 

Seulgi looks down at the white envelope on her hands and slowly take it, looking up to the woman questioningly.

 

“Read it.” She smiles. “You’ve become our daughter too, there’s a contact number and everything inside it. I wish that you’d come over to our house once in a while and meet Irene’s younger brother.”

 

“I will.” Seulgi smiles and nods her head, clutching the envelope against her chest.

 

“See you, Seulgi. Thank you for making Irene so happy.” Mrs. Bae smiles before turning around and walks out of the room.

 

Seulgi stares at the door for a moment before looking down at the envelope on her hand. Slowly, she opens it and takes out a folded paper. She stares at the paper for a moment before unfolding it, reading the words written on it.

 

 

 

Dear Seulgi,

 

The moment you read this letter, you’d have found out about the truth and I’m no longer around. I am sorry, I had to do this for you and for myself.

 

Honestly, Seulgi. I thought about dying too, a lot of times. I’ve been battling with this stupid cancer and I was getting tired of it. I couldn’t believe I’d be this strong to survive for 23 years. I thought why would God made me suffer for so long when I felt like dying everyday.

 

And then I met you.

 

And I knew why did He let me live this long.

 

It’s for you.

 

I’m sorry about the kiss, I just had to do that since I knew I’d never open my eyes again after the surgery.

 

Here goes my creepy confession, I’ve liked you since the first time I saw you in the room. You’re beautiful, even with all the illness you’re battling inside, even with your dead soul and dying body, you are still beautiful. And I thought it would be nice if I could see that face smiling, or if I could see her eyes light up, or if I could make her feel alive again.

 

You’re probably annoyed when I pulled your around the hospital but please have mercy on me, I spent my youthful teenage years in the hospital and I had no idea how to flirt properly.

 

When I first met you, I told you that dying doesn’t matter when we’re still alive. Wrong, dying matters. Because when I saw you lying lifelessly on the bed with all the wires stuck in your body, I feel myself dying too. Even though I told you that everybody would die in the end, I still died inside seeing you all weak and dying on that bed. Then I realize that I don’t want you to die, no matter what happen, even if it means sacrificing my own life.

 

Thank you keeping up with my pointless conversation.

 

Thank you for not letting go of my hand.

 

Thank you for caring about me.

 

Thank you for crying with me.

 

Thank you for making promises with me.

 

Thank you for calling the nurse for me.

 

Thank you for letting me kissed you.

 

Thank you for coming into my life.

 

Thank you for making me fell in love.

 

I will live. I will keep on living until the day you die because my heart will always beat inside you. We promised to live together, to fight together, and this is how I fulfill my promise.

 

Please live the life you’ve always wanted to have, please show me what kind of life that makes you happy, please make me beat in happiness, in joy, in excitement. Please chase your dream, please don’t give up, please don’t cry.

 

We live together, Kang Seulgi.

 

I love you.

 

- Bae Irene

 

 

 

“You live, Irene.” Seulgi sobs into her hand as she stares at the letter. “We live together.”

 

Seulgi cries and cries until she gets too tired to sob, so she calms down for a while, catching her breath, and then she cries again. She cries for the smile she’s never going to see anymore, for the warm hands she’s never going to hold anymore, for the pair of lips she’s never going to kiss anymore, for the girl that she loves that she’s never going to meet ever again.

 

“I love you, Irene.” Seulgi sobs brokenly, letting her whole body shakes at the overwhelming emotion. “I love you too.”  

 

 

 

❖

 

 

Celebrity News: Singer and Song-writer Kang Seulgi reveals that she had been battling with heart failure for the longest time.

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey, have you heard Seulgi’s new song?”

 

“I’ve heard it! It’s really beautiful, her voice, her emotion, the lyrics. I cried you know.”

 

“I heard she’s writing it for the person that she loved who passed away due to illness.”

 

“That breaks my heart even more. I think I’m going to cry right now.”

 

 

 

❖

 

 

When, I saw you for the first time, I knew you were the one.
You didn't say a word to me, but love was in the air.
Then you held my hand, pulled me into your world.
From then on my life has changed for me.
Now I'll never feel lonely again, cause you are in my life.

Love, how can I explain to you?
The way I feel inside when I think of you.
I thank you for everything that you showed me.
Don't you ever forget that I love you.

Love, I know that someday real soon you'll be right next to me.
Holding me so tight so I will always be yours.
Although we can't be together now, remember I am here for you, and I know you're there for me.

Whenever I want to be with you, I just close my eyes and pretend you're near.
I see you, I touch you, I feel you like real.
Nothing can ever change what I feel inside.
How long must I be far away from you?

I don't know dear, but I know we are one.

 

 

 

❖

 

 

I love you too, Irene. Thank you for keeping me alive.

 

 

 

 

---

A/N 

Lyrics and inspiration of this story is from this song 

Omg it’s finally done hhh idk if this fic can make anybody cried, but if you did, don’t worry you can have all my tissues

I’m really bad at writing angst cause I’m so bad at handling angst, but here I am writing one, what am I doing with life

I remember my biology teacher told me: “it’s bull, you can’t just come to the hospital and tell the doctor to take your organ just to have it transplanted into someone. Do you expect them to kill you on the spot and cut you open, and then cut your beloved open and change your organs just like that??”

The words ring in my head and it forces me to write this story as properly as possibly, going through the test and blergh I studied science in high school but I didn’t even learn medical related stuff

I sincerely apologize for those who are learning/working on medical field because I believe that this story is too far from the reality but ugh I tried

Please do Comments or Upvote if you enjoyed this! I really want to know what you’re thinking about this :’)

Lastly, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed the story!

♥