I wasn't sure what to feel. I thought I accepted the fact they had been dating for... I'm not even sure how long. I told Jong-in it was fine. I congratulated him since his feelings were reciprocated but my heart yearned for him. I loved Jong-in even before Krystal arrived in his life. I knew him even before he was a trainee in SM. But I guess time isn't everything. Just because you spend a lot of time with someone doesn't reassure you that that person will someday love you back. 

Spring just arrived in Seoul but a blizzard messed up my heart. Jong-in tried calling me a few times but I rejected every call he made. He messaged me countless of times but I didn't reply to any one of them. I'm sure he was worried about me. School had been stressing me out and the exams were approaching. And being his best friend for over ten years, he was worried I might be mad at him for letting Dispatch catch them dating. 

I had a lot to say to Jong-in. I wanted to curse him and shout at him but I knew it would only end up with a shattered friendship and forced farewells. I didn't want that. I wanted to keep Jong-in by my side. I wanted him to protect me from everything. I wanted him to make me smile no matter what. He was my favourite person, outside of my family. I asked for no one more than Kim Jong-in, my own puppy who grew up into a big dog. 

"Come on. Why aren't you answering my calls?"

My phone buzzed with his new message. His previous messages were just repetitions of the word "where". He wanted to meet up, I'm sure. He wanted to explain everything. He wanted reassurance that everything will be fine for them, even though the fans already knew the reality between him and Krystal. But how can I reassure him when I'm not sure our friendship would last? When I'm not sure if I can keep these stupid feelings to myself? He wanted someone to smile at him. He wanted a familiar smile, a familiar encouragement, something Taemin could never give to him even though they've been together for who-knows long. 

"I checked your house, your school, even Han River. Heck, I even checked Taemin's house. Where are you?"

I turned my phone off and stared into the distance. He would never find me, like he never found out about how I felt for him. I'm sure he didn't remember the place where I was in. It was somewhere memorable for me. I raised my hand up and stared at the plastic ring I raised in the air. It was color brown and had a puppy on it. I smiled a bit, feeling a little nostalgic. I missed my childhood with Jong-in. It was so innocent. It never occured to me that I'll develop feelings for him someday. 

"Here, here," Jong-in pulled my hand and held a finger on mine. He then inserted the plastic ring on my finger. He grinned at me and told me he'll always protect me, that he'll marry me someday. He promised rainbows and unicorns. He promised music and dancing. He promised me a world of magic, a world unlike the world we lived in. 

A childish whim, I guessed, but the promise pushed me towards where I was at that moment. I know it was childish of me to think he'll fulfill a childhood promise but I hoped. I hoped because it might be possible. I've been with him for this long, I thought he saw my charms. Maybe he did and thought friendship was the best choice. 

I love Jong-in. I really do. I hoped he realized this. But I've tried so hard to hide my feelings. I'm afraid he might let me go, so I wouldn't get hurt anymore. It was so hard to be his best friend, at the same time, his admirer. It was so hard to smile at him when he told me about his feelings for Krystal. I wanted to cry when he told me he was dating Krystal. I've been a martyr in love. I've sacrificed everything but this was my limit. I couldn't look at the pictures Dispatch released without tearing up. I always avoided seeing the couple whenever they went out. 

"Hey, crybaby kitten!"

My heart stopped when I heard his voice. I just remained at my position, hugging my knees. I still stared at the setting sun. I heard his 'tsk' and his steps getting louder. He climbed the slide before sitting beside me. He looked at the sun before looking at me. I tried avoiding his gaze but I guess, I was too captivated by his presence.

"I was worried about you, you know," Jong-in pouted. "I've been trying to find you all day. Your mom told me you were out. Your friends told me they didn't see you. Taemin said you never dropped by."

"Wow, you remembered this place," I whispered. "After all these years."

"How could I forget?" He raised a grey plastic ring which had a kitten on it. "I met you here. I played with you here when we were kids."

"Still," I shrugged. "Normal people would forget."

"I guess I'm not normal then," Jong-in grinned at me. "And so are you."

We both stayed silent for a few minutes. It was torture for me not to tell him about how I felt. But it was better this way. He promised me a magical world when we were younger. He did give it to me. But it wasn't without any hurt. It wasn't without sacrifice. But everything was just magic when I was with him. I fell in love with my best friend and couldn't stop myself from doing so. I'm afraid. I'm afraid he'll disappear when he dates Krystal publicly. I'm afraid SM would just use him for publicity. But I had no choice but to watch. I was just a spectator, just a stranger from Jong-in's world as Kai. I only know him as my best friend, Jong-in, and not as international superstar, Kai. 

"Are you sure you're okay?" Jong-in asked as he looked at me. I looked at him too and all I see in his eyes were pity. And pure worry. They lacked the romantic love I wanted them to have. But we can't have everything we want in this world, even if we worked so hard to get them. I could only accept Jong-in's decision on dating someone else. I had no choice. I was his best friend. I was his hope in the world full of chaos. I was the light under all the darkness. I was his happiness in the world full of gloom. 

"I am."

And it was the first time I lied to Jong-in while looking into his eyes. I had to accept my fate. I had no other choice but to do so. Besides, Jong-in needed the friend in me more than the lover. And who am I to say no to the guy I love right? My heart may be broken. My tears might show up. But I shouldn't end the friendship Jong-in and I shared. 

It's more precious than any diamond in the world, more important than any of the promises we broke, and more enchanting than any magical world an artist can imagine.