Kyungsoo slipped into his fluffy bed, yet the warmth didn’t give him any comfort like it used to. Even his soft blankets feels so foreign to him. It was fairly hard, hard to pretend everything was okay, that everything was as okay like always. But he knows what he thinks is alright are the things that are impossible.

It was impossible for him to be okay now.

Acting even if it is off screen is hard. Acting like what he feels are nonexistent, like everything was nothing to him, like it was pretty much normal. But it wasn’t.

He feels like he should be given an award. “Best Actor for the Past Months” should be written in bold on his crystal like trophy if  there would be a one for him.  

He chuckles bitterly to himself, now he knows what Chanyeol felt.

The giant was right, it feels so horrible to even comprehend. He feels like his heart was shattering, ripping and pins stabbing it all at once. His eyes would start to wet, feeling the sting as he tries to hold them back and put a smile on his face his friends and the fans. His stomach would drop and he could feel as if everything was numb… He looks at his hands, knuckles beginning to go back to its original color from being white, nail marks imprinted on his palms from clenching his fist too hard.

The pale man drops his limbs and just lie on his bed.

At least Chanyeol and Baekhyun are closer than they were before, after their little falling out in 2014. He still remembers when his usually goofy friend became so distant like, always staring off somewhere with some things on his mind, and all of their late night talks about filled with tears and heartbreak. How hurt it feels to do fan service and imagine it to be real when it was not.

Is it his fault for being busy?

 Is that why they became so distant?

Was he the one who blew his own chance?

Well, he knew he wouldn’t have a chance in the first place. With their genders and current status, he wouldn’t even be surprised if got rejected.

Kai- No- Jongin deserves the chance to fall in love and date.

And he knows it would never be him who would receive that romantic feelings.

The younger looked so happy to announce it to the group, his eyes turning into crescents and he gave them that blindingly beautiful smile.

Kyungsoo sighed as he sat up on his bed.  He was alone in the dorm, everyone was busy, but here he is. On a day off with the filmings and self wallowing when his object of affection is out on a date with…

He feels some kind of lump formed on his throat as tears gather around his eyes. He rarely cries, usually he’s the self composed one in the group, but with those simple words had him want to bawl his eyes out. Was this love?

He looked at his cellphone, it still had that simple picture of their group together, Jongin and him were side by side, smiling… Kyungsoo groaned, opening his music app and selected his song. His first ever solo,  with a feat but he isn’t complaining. He asked the producer to give him a copy of his parts empty so he can practice with it.

That melodious intro and adlib had him closing his eyes and following it.

Oh Yeah, don’t leave me baby
Just turn around

Don’t leave me.. Please turn around Jongin, and look at me…

Yeah- Play another slow jam
(Oh- Play another slow jam)
This is my property (Oh-)
Tell me, what is love?

As I forgot about you who doesn’t love me
I live doing everything that I wanted to do
I can’t ever erase you from my head.
Why?

He tried to forget about all those late night Pororo marathons, the lingering touches and looks, the little moments full of laughter. He became busier and busier. He puts all of his devotion to his acting jobs as a distraction. But Jongin would pop up in his mind.

Jongin’s smile, his pout, his laughter, his tears, his pain, his everything…

Who are you to make me pitiful?
If I cursed you out I would have felt better at