Living with Yongguk was easy and comfortable. There was no stress because they rarely fought and Himchan wanted to assume that they were matured enough to handle things in their own hands. As other people would say, Yongguk was like the missing piece of puzzle that would complete Himchan’s life and vice versa.

They met at a grocery store. There was nothing extravagant about their meeting. Himchan was just lucky enough to be the last buyer for the Wagyu beef they sold on that day and when he was about to pay for it, Yongguk had given him a desperate stare, as if Himchan had stolen his candy or something. Turned out that Yongguk was planning to buy the beef for his parents because they’d just come back home from the States and they hadn’t met their son for like 5 years. Yongguk wanted to cook something special for them so Wagyu beef sounded fancy enough. For Himchan, he was just buying the beef because it was his favourite. He would buy it once every month just to treat himself after working his out as a real estate agent. In the end he gave Yongguk the beef and didn’t let him pay back for it. He figured that doing a good gesture once in a while instead of treating himself was the best way for a change.

The change was worth it.

He got Yongguk in return.

They exchanged numbers and went on a few dates before they became official. Four years later they had turned into just like one of those married couples; living under the same roof, sharing their meals together, sleeping together and doing almost everything together.

Giving Yongguk the Wagyu beef was the best choice Himchan had ever made in his life.

“So I was reading the newspaper today,” Yongguk said during dinner one night. Himchan swallowed the risotto he made and raised a brow at his boyfriend. Yongguk met his eyes and smiled a little before he continued. “And I read this news about a mother giving birth to this blind baby.”

Himchan frowned. Why was Yongguk smiling if he was going to tell him about sad stories? Figuring that he shouldn’t jump to conclusion, Himchan waited for more.

“The parents felt sad that their baby wouldn’t be able to see when he grows up so they donated each one of their eyes to the baby so he could see. The mother said that she wanted their son to have a brighter future. Isn’t that the most beautiful thing to ever happen in humanity?” 

Himchan smiled at that. “Yeah. Wow. The baby’s lucky to have such loving parents.”

It seemed like Yongguk wasn’t done talking so Himchan shot him a questioning look.

“It got me thinking, Channie.” Yongguk put down his fork and leaned back against the chair. “What if we have a child of our own?”

Himchan blinked twice and snorted a little.

“Well we can’t.” he said. “None of us have the lady part to give birth, Bbang. Well, of course, unless you want to—”

“Adopt a baby.” Yongguk finished the sentence.

Himchan stared at him silently for a few seconds before he chuckled.

“Are you serious?”

Yongguk shrugged his shoulders and nodded.

“I mean we have the money to raise a child.”

“But we’re both working.” Himchan countered.

“But you work here, at home.” Yongguk said. “We can cook and we’re not that lazy to clean the house. We’re the perfect team.”

Himchan shook his head and stared down at the food. “I don’t know about this Bbang. I haven’t thought about that before.”

“But it sounds like a good idea to me.” Yongguk muttered. “We’ll be the perfect family. I have always wanted to raise a child with you.”

Again, Himchan lifted his head to stare at Yongguk. It was the first time that the man had confessed about this matter to him. Well, he did mention several times about how much he loved kids but it was never about adopting. Himchan wasn’t sure whether he was prepared to be a parent. The idea sounded foreign to him. He’d never taken care of a baby before, much less babysat for his relatives. But he didn’t hate kids either. On top of that, Yongguk had thought about building a family with him. Their commitment to each other was getting stronger the longer they were together and suddenly the idea of adopting made it sound more serious. He wouldn’t mind getting serious with Yongguk though. He was the perfect guy.

“Did you plan this for a long time?” Himchan finally asked. When Yongguk flashed him a sheepish smile he scoffed. “Oh my god. You looked it up on the Internet didn’t you? You already have the specific contact to adopt the baby?”

“Kinda…” Yongguk replied with a shrug.

There was a moment of silence.

“Okay,” Himchan said.

Yongguk blinked at him and leaned forward. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

Yongguk reached out for his hand and used his thumb to at the back of Himchan’s hand. His eyes were shining under the light and Himchan rarely saw this look Yongguk had on his face. It was the moment when he was truly the happiest. “Do you want it? Are you sure?”

“Well I guess so,” Himchan shook his head. “You said it yourself. We’re a perfect team. You like kids and I feel quite okay around them. What could go wrong, right?”

Yongguk’s smile became wider. He gave Himchan’s hand a grateful squeeze and chuckled.

“We’re getting a baby. I can’t believe it. We’re gonna have a new family member.”

Seeing Yongguk cheering like that just made Himchan’s anticipation grew more.

-

Himchan felt this wave of fondness when he saw Yongguk carrying the baby for the first time. The latter had a big smiled plastered on his face as he cooed at the baby. They had decided to adopt a baby boy. It took them a month before they could settle everything and the wait was worth it. To see Yongguk interacting with the baby was something new to Himchan. It was at that moment that he realized how good of a father Yongguk could become. He could see the passion in his eyes burning brightly. The way he looked at the baby seemed like he had a lot of promises to make—to make their baby grow up into a good person, to make their baby love them as much as they love him, to make their baby see the world in colors. There were so many things they could teach him. They had taken the responsibility the moment the baby was brought to them.

“He doesn’t have a name yet. His mother placed him at the orphanage doorstep and left a note that said the person who adopts him gets to name him.” Yongguk said. “Do you have anything in your mind?”

Himchan carried the baby in his arms and looked down at him. He smiled when the baby made a cute sound. The tiny hands reached out for his finger when he used it to touch the nose. All of the sudden he felt like crying. The baby was so precious. He didn’t know why his mother would be so cruel to leave him alone on that doorstep. But Himchan wouldn’t be able to meet him if he wasn’t there in the first place. He was glad that he could meet him. Truly glad.

“Junhong,” he whispered to the baby.

“Junhong?” Yongguk asked.

Himchan nodded slowly, not taking his eyes off the baby. He was enchanted by the pair of round eyes staring up at him curiously. The novelty to be here carrying the baby in his arms at this very moment was overwhelming. When the baby curled his fingers around Himchan’s thumb, Himchan blinked and let the tears slip down his cheeks. Yongguk stood next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“From now on Papa and Daddy will take care of you, Junhongie.”

-

The novelty of being a parent wore off gradually.

Himchan could sense it when he started losing sleep and have to deal with Junhong’s constant crying. He wondered whether something was wrong with the baby but Yongguk had assured him that it was normal for a baby to cry all the time. He’s just hungry. He’s scared. He’s bored.

It was hard to make Junhong stop crying. He cried a lot especially at midnight, when Himchan was in the middle of sleeping. Why would he be hungry at that time? Why would he choose to cry just when Himchan thought he could rest?

“Bbang, please make him stop.” Himchan groggily pleaded as he buried his face into the pillow. He couldn’t open his eyes. He was too tired. He did a lot of things that morning. Apparently parenting and working at the same time at home didn’t give him much time to replenish his energy. He had to constantly watch over Junhong as he replied to the countless number of emails he received that day. And then there was a customer who called him several times to make sure that the house he bought was in a good condition. It took Himchan hours to convince him that the house wasn’t haunted and to stop Junhong from crawling out of the house or eat anything he could put his hands on.

Yongguk stirred beside him and finally sat up when Junhong’s wails became louder. He then walked over to the crib and carried the baby in his arms, humming a lullaby to get him back to sleep. Himchan stayed still on the bed, listening to Junhong’s cries. He furrowed his brows when Junhong let out a long scream. He shut his eyes tightly and covered his ears. Yongguk calmly shushed the baby and it was maybe close to an hour before Junhong finally stopped crying and fell asleep. By that time Himchan was already wide awake. He was exhausted but now he couldn’t sleep. He heaved a sigh and massaged his temples as Yongguk lay down next to him and pulled him into his arms.

“It’s alright. He’s sleeping now.”

That wasn’t the problem, Himchan wanted to say. But he opted to say nothing as Yongguk’s snores filled the entire room.

-

“Junhong, you have to eat the vegetables.”

“I don’t want to. They taste bad.” Junhong shook his head furiously.

Himchan held back a sigh and pushed the plate closer to the four year old.

“Vegetables are good for your health. It helps you grow taller. If you don’t eat them right now, you’ll be way shorter than your friends when you get into school.”

“Eating veggies don’t make you tall. It’s all in the genes!” Junhong stated. He had a deep frown on his face as he stared at Himchan with his eyes narrowed to a glare. 

Himchan raised a brow at that. He had no idea that Junhong would know the word ‘gene’. He was smarter than he thought. He knew Yongguk often read books to the boy but not teach him scientific words. Sometimes the kid didn’t even fall for the white lies.

“Then don’t waste food. Papa cooked these for you to eat.” Himchan insisted. “There are a lot of kids who don’t get to eat every day. You should be grateful.”

“Then give the veggies to them. I don’t like them!”

Himchan closed his eyes and at his dry lips. Junhong wasn’t cooperating, as always. He had other work to attend to but he wouldn’t be able to proceed if Junhong refused to finish his food. The boy would feel hungry in the middle of the night and demand for food. He might even request for ice cream, which was strictly prohibited by his parents because eating ice cream could upset his stomach and eating it before he went to sleep might cause him to catch a cold. It was now six in the evening. The deadline for the papers was at nine. Himchan’s eyes kept darting back and forth to the clock perched on the wall.

“Junhong, just eat them. They don’t taste that bad, you know.” Himchan used the spoon to scoop up a broccoli and held it in front of Junhong’s mouth.  “Open up now.”

“No!” Junhong swatted the spoon off his face.

The spoon and the broccoli landed on the carpeted floor. Himchan stared at the cutlery and then back at Junhong who was now crossing his arm stubbornly. He sighed deeply and raised his hands in surrender as he shook his head.

“Fine. Then don’t eat them.” He reached for the plate and was about to throw the vegetables away when the front door open.

“Daddy!” Junhong exclaimed before he got down the chair and ran towards Yongguk who had just come home.

“Hey there buddy. What did you do today?” Yongguk swung Junhong around in his arms and ruffled the boy’s hair.

“I played Lego and made a large castle. But there are no soldiers. Daddy, I want more toys.”

“Daddy will buy you toys if you eat all of the food Papa cooked for you,” Yongguk said when he noticed the plate in Himchan’s hand.

Junhong turned to Himchan and stared at the plate with the vegetables. It took him a long time to contemplate before he finally nodded with defeat.

“Okay…”

He shuffled towards Himchan and sat down at the dining table. Himchan shot Yongguk an incredulous look and Yongguk returned it with a shrug.

-

“I think Junhong likes you more.” Himchan said one day with his head resting on Yongguk’s lap.

Yongguk tore his gaze off the TV screen and looked down at Himchan. Junhong surprisingly slept early that day. It was at this time that Himchan got to spend his time alone with Yongguk. It was the time when he had the chance to breathe easier, not having to think about Junhong complaining about food or whining about anything that dissatisfied him.

“What made you say that?” Yongguk asked as he ran his fingers through Himchan’s black hair.

Himchan hummed and crossed his arms. “I mean he listens to you more and he never screams at you. He does that a lot to me.”

A small chuckle escaped from Yongguk’s lips.

“Maybe because he sees you all the time? You’re with him 24 hours anyway. I work outside and only get home at six.”

“That’s just not fair.” Himchan pouted. “I take care of him all the time and you get the all the love?”

“He’s just a kid, Channie. Plus, people show their affection to different people in different ways. Maybe he just likes messing around with you.”

“Screaming doesn’t sound like messing around to me.” Himchan sighed. “It’s like he’s mad at me the whole time.”

“He’ll get over it. Just don’t stress out too much okay? It’s part of being a parent.” Yongguk smiled as he caressed his face.

Himchan smiled back and held onto Yongguk’s wrist that was his face. He then kissed his palm and closed his eyes.

“It’s been so long since we get to spend our time like this. I miss our moment.” Himchan murmured.

“You have me now,” Yongguk lifted his brows at him. When he leaned down to kiss Himchan, the latter stopped him and shook his head.

“Not here.” He whispered.

He then got up from the couch and led Yongguk back to their room.

-

“Junhong!”

Himchan creased his brows and scrubbed the plates harder to get rid of the stains. He then washed all of them clean before he called his son for the fifth time. He wasn’t answering. Himchan knew he was in his room this whole time but what could he be doing that he didn’t hear Himchan calling for him?

“Junhong?” Himchan left the kitchen to knock on the door to Junhong’s room but the boy wasn’t even in there. He blinked and looked around the living room. The boy wasn’t there too. “Junhong, if you’re playing hide and seek then it’s really working out for you. Papa doesn’t know where you are. Come out, now. We have to go to the grocery store.”

Still, there was no answer from the now six year old toddler.

Confused, Himchan searched the entire house only to find him sitting on the floor of his study room, using the scissors to cut the papers Himchan previously organized on the table. It was the list of names and other important information of his customers. Himchan’s eyes widened in shock upon discovering what his son had been up to this whole time.

“Junhong!”  He rushed to his son and snatched the scissors from him, his chest burning with rage. “What did you do?! I told you before to not enter this room without my permission. Look what you’ve done! Oh, my god.”

Himchan ran a hand over his face and gritted his teeth.

“I was making snowflakes!” Junhong said. When he reached out for the mess he’d created, Himchan held onto his wrist and tore the papers to shred.

“Why don’t you ever listen to me?! Can’t you just stay still for a minute without making a mess? Now you’ve ruined my work. How am I supposed to do my work now?”

Junhong stared at him with his round eyes glimmering with tears. But Himchan had enough. He was used to Junhong getting his way whenever he pulled off his stunts. He wasn’t going to let him get away with it this time. Not after what he’d done.

“You’re getting a time out. No toys for you. You sleep at eight today.” Himchan narrowed his eyes at him.

“That’s not fair!” Junhong screamed, crossing his arms like he always did whenever he was upset.

“You deserve it.” Himchan hissed.

“I hate you!”

Before he could react, Junhong had grabbed the scissors from the floor and threw it at his face. It grazed past Himchan’s face and made a small cut on his cheek. He stared at the blood on his fingers in horror. He then fixed his gaze on his son and acted on impulse. He slapped him on the cheek.

He only realized how wrong it was when Junhong started crying out for Yongguk.

-

Junhong’s cheek turned red after Himchan gave him the slap. He cried for hours and Himchan tried hard to not let his cheek bruise by pressing a bag of ice to it—forgetting about his own face that was scratched by the scissors. He wondered whether their neighbour could hear Junhong. The boy was being so loud. It hurt his ears to listen to his deafening screams. Himchan couldn’t make him stop.

The boy only stopped crying after Yongguk came home that day. As soon as the man saw the bruise on his son’s cheek, he had given Himchan a surprised look. All Himchan could do was avert his gaze and cross his arms defensively.

“What you did was wrong.”

Himchan opened his eyes but refused to meet Yongguk’s. They were in the living room. Junhong had gone to sleep after Yongguk promised to take him to the arcade this weekend.

There was a sigh coming from Yongguk’s side.

“I know Junhong had hurt you but that’s just not the right way to deal with him. He’s just a kid, Channie.”

The wound on his right cheek stung. Himchan refused to apologize. He thought he was being childish but screw that. He was angry and his work was all ruined. He was having a bad day. He should be given the opportunity to sulk. Yongguk didn’t understand what Himchan was going through.

“You should apologize to him tomorrow.”

At Yongguk’s suggestion, Himchan finally turned his head to him and raised a brow. Yongguk wanted him to apologize to their son? He thought about it for a moment before he recalled that he was the adult. Right. He was so blinded with anger. He needed to control himself. He sighed and nodded once.

“Fine.” He got up from the couch and headed to their room. When Yongguk tried giving him a squeeze on his shoulder, he brushed him off without looking at him.

-

Himchan apologized to Junhong the next day and the boy did the same with Yongguk’s help. Things became normal again for the family but it wasn’t that long before Junhong caused another trouble. And it always led to Himchan having to take the blame to himself.

Junhong punched his classmate during school one day. And he even cursed at the boy. The teacher called Himchan and had asked him to meet her at the office to pick Junhong up. When Himchan reached the office, he had to stop himself for a moment to close his eyes and take a few deep breaths. He had his palm resting on the door. He could feel Junhong’s presence at the other side of the door, full of pressure.

What was wrong with him?

Himchan opened his eyes and knocked on the door. When a female voice answered, he turned the knob and entered the room. He could see Junhong sitting on the chair opposite his teacher, arms crossed and a deep scowl adorning his face. It was always like that. It seemed like Himchan rarely saw Junhong smile at him.

“Junhong had hurt his classmate during recess.” The teacher explained. “I’m not sure whether the boy’s parents would complain but right now it’s best to take Junhong home for the time being.”

“I’m sorry for the trouble Junhong had caused,” Himchan apologized. He refused to look at his son. He forced a smile on his face as he talked to the teacher. “I’ll have a talk with him later. Thank you for your concern.”

Himchan beckoned his son to stand up and leave the office. Junhong quickly got up from the chair and stomped his way outside without even bidding his teacher goodbye. Before Himchan could leave, the teacher stopped him.

“Mr. Kim, is there any problem going on between you and your son at home?”

Himchan blinked and gave the teacher a confused look. He shook his head slowly. “No. Why would you say that?”

“Well, Junhong’s performance at school has been quite low recently and he always fights with his classmates. He’s been using rather vulgar words whenever he’s mad.” The teacher creased her brows as she stared right into Himchan’s eyes, as if she was accusing him of the things that Junhong had done.

Himchan felt offended.

“I’m sorry but are you accusing me of teaching my son bad words?”

“Of course not,” the woman shook her head, letting out a humourless chuckle. “But I mean, kids learn things quite fast. Maybe he’s heard you saying things that you didn’t mean to say in front of him. And maybe you’re just not aware of how such thing can affect your son.”

Himchan narrowed his eyes and scoffed.

“I know how to take care and act around my son. I don’t need other people to teach me how to raise my child. You pointing out those things seems like an accusation to me.” Before the teacher could say anything, Himchan held up a hand and shook his head. “Good day, songsaengnim.”

Himchan stepped out of the office and started dragging Junhong who had been waiting outside back to the car. The boy tried pulling his hand away but Himchan wasn’t giving him the privilege to do so. He was fuming with anger. To have a stranger pointing out his mistakes wasn’t what he’d expected when he came to the school. It was embarrassing.

“Let go of my hand!” Junhong whined.

“Just be quiet, Junhong.” Himchan ordered.

He kept on walking until he reached the car and unlocked the door before he made Junhong sit down at the back seat. He then started the engine and exited the school compound. It was silent for a while between the two of them. Well, not until Junhong decided to kick at the driver’s seat repeatedly.

“Junhong, stop that.” Himchan said.

Junhong stayed silent but the kicking never ceased.

“Junhong.”

There was a grumble coming from Junhong and when Himchan peered through the mirror, he could see that his son had his hands curled into fists and his face showing how dissatisfied he was. A particular hard kick was sent to the driver’s seat.

“If you don’t stop doing that, then you’re not going anywhere this weekend. Daddy won’t bring you along when he goes to the mall.” Himchan threatened.

“I don’t care!” Junhong exclaimed. He gave the seat another hard kick.

Himchan heaved a deep sigh as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel. Junhong made a whining sound. He was starting to get upset. Of all time, he chose to sulk while Himchan was driving. He still hadn’t stopped kicking the driver’s seat. Without taking his eyes off the road, Himchan reached out a hand and pushed the boy’s leg away from his seat.

“I’m telling you to stop now, Bang Junhong.”

“I hate you!” Junhong screamed.

Himchan rolled his eyes and glanced back at his son to shoot him a glare. He then gave his leg a scolding slap when he tried kicking the seat again.

“Stop!”

“Make me!”

“Junhong!”

Himchan turned his head to look at his son as he scolded him and he almost missed the traffic light that had turned red. A loud honk from another car made him realize his mistake at the last minute. He stepped on the brake just in time before he could collide with the passing car. It brought both him and Junhong forward. If it wasn’t for the seatbelts they were wearing, both of them would’ve flown out of the window. Himchan stared at the road with wide eyes, mouth agape. His hands were trembling.

Junhong started crying out of shock.

Himchan ran a hand through his face and tried hard to block the sound.

What was wrong with him?

-

“I think we should send Junhong to a counselling program or something.” Himchan suggested that weekend.

Yongguk paused from reading the book in his hand and looked at his boyfriend with his brows raised.

“Why?”

Himchan sighed and sat down on the bed, close to where Yongguk had his leg crossed on top of the other.

“He’s being way too rebellious, Bbang. I think he has anger issue.” Himchan said.

Yongguk didn’t seem to agree on that. He shook his head and put the book away.

“You’re overreacting. Junhong’s fine.”

“You think he’s fine.” Himchan stated. “He’s not. He obviously needs help. Maybe someone to teach him manner and how to control his anger.”

“And we can do that,” Yongguk answered right away. “We’re his parents. It’s our job to teach him all of those things.”

“He’s not listening. He won’t listen to me.” Himchan shook his head. “There’s definitely something wrong with him.”

“Maybe you’re just doing it wrong,” Yongguk said. “Or maybe you’re not trying hard enough.”

Himchan stared at him for a moment, not quite believing what Yongguk just said to him. He scoffed and crossed his arms.

“You know what, I think you’re being really biased about Junhong. You’re always taking his side no matter what he does.”

Yongguk pulled his brows together and blinked twice. “Channie, I’m not taking any side. There are no sides to this matter. We’re a family.”

“Then why do I feel like you’re always disagreeing with me?” Himchan countered. “Why is it when I complain about Junhong, you always put the blame on me?”

“I never blamed you for anything,” Yongguk retorted. “Himchan, what are you talking about?”

Himchan huffed out of frustration as he ran a hand through his hair. He then stood up from the bed and put his hand on his hip, trying to calm himself.

“Why is everything that I do seems so wrong to other people? I tried so hard to make things better but Junhong isn’t cooperating with me. He says he hates me all the time. What else could I do to make him accept me? Am I not good enough to be a parent? Do you think I’m doing a good job being Junhong’s father?”

Yongguk opened his mouth to say something but then he closed it. Himchan’s face deflated at the lack of response from his boyfriend. The only person he could count on was turning his back on him. He felt betrayed. His eyes felt warm. He blinked back the tears and turned towards their closet, grabbing every article of clothes he could get his hands on.

“What are you doing?” Yongguk asked.

“Maybe this is a mistake.” Himchan muttered. He threw the clothes on the bed and pulled out a luggage from under the bed.

“Hey, stop.” Yongguk tried grabbing the luggage but Himchan swatted his hand away. “Himchan, stop this nonsense right away and think for a moment.”

“I’m tired okay!? I’m ing tired of trying all the time. Things just don’t work out for us. We can’t be a family!” The words gushed out like tsunami. The tension was way too high for him to bear. Yongguk stared at him with wide eyes. “Maybe you don’t need me to raise Junhong. You can find a better person for him. Find a person who can tolerate and maybe teach him the things he needs to learn. I’m not the perfect person for this family. I’m just not cut out for this, Yongguk.”

Himchan packed his things into the luggage and headed straight to the front door. He could hear Yongguk’s rushed footsteps as he chased after him.

“Himchan.”

Himchan stared at the door to Junhong’s room. The boy was asleep. He contemplated on whether he should bid him goodbye but when he was reminded of the way Junhong had been treating him and the reason why he was leaving, he changed his mind and turned back to the front door.

“Let’s talk this over together,” Yongguk said.

“No,” Himchan shook his head. “There’s nothing to talk about anymore, Bbang. The only solution right now is for me leave. Junhong doesn’t need me.”

Himchan ignored the plead coming from Yongguk’s lips as he left the house that night. He didn’t even turn back to look at the person who used to make his life brighter. He wanted to put the blame on Junhong for forcing him to make this decision but Yongguk was the one who requested for the adoption. It was his idea to build a family together. It was his dream and Himchan wasn’t going to trample on that.

The only mistake that Yongguk made was to think of Himchan as the perfect person to build a family with.

-

Living alone felt so different to Himchan.

He was not used to waking up by himself. Not being able to see Yongguk’s face next to his when he opened his eyes gave this ache in his chest and to cook breakfast only for one person early in the morning made him feel lonelier than ever.

There was no more worrying about what to cook for dinner. No more worrying about making sure that Junhong eat his food before he went to school or bed. No more listening to Junhong complaining and whining. No more looking at Junhong scowling and throwing tantrums when he was angry.

Himchan was confused.

Why did he feel so empty? This was what he wanted after all. To be free of parenting. To never have to take care of Junhong because he knew he wasn’t cut out for it.

At night, before he went to sleep, he would always find himself thinking about Junhong. Did he pack his stationaries and textbooks for school that day? Did he do his homework? Did he brush his teeth before he went to sleep? Did he finish his food?

Did he ever miss Himchan?

In the end, Himchan would always cry himself to sleep every night. He wasn’t so sure anymore of the decision he’d made to leave the house that day.

-

A week.

Himchan had left the house for seven days now. Yongguk had stopped calling him on the fourth day. The man might have figured out that Himchan did not want anything to do with him and Junhong anymore. He might have given up on him. He had let him go. Finally.

But Himchan couldn’t breathe properly. He felt suffocated. Miserable.

What was wrong with him?

He tried drowning himself in his career and even started drinking every night to forget about his feelings. He was desperate in finding ways to just block out the depression that was weighing on him. He often told himself that he had made the right decision to leave Yongguk and Junhong.

But why couldn’t he convince himself?

Living seemed so hard these days.

-

There was a series of furious knocks coming from the front door one morning. Himchan cracked his eyes open and stared at the ceiling for a long time as he rebooted himself. His head hurt. He’d drunk two bottles of Soju last night.

“Himchan!”

Himchan blinked and sat up on the couch. The voice was familiar. Was that Yongguk calling for him? He strained his ears to listen to the voice.

“Himchan, open the door! Please!”

It really was Yongguk. What was he doing here?

Himchan shuffled towards the door and hesitated for a moment before he opened it. As soon as he saw Yongguk, he felt the lump in his chest disappear instantly. It was such a relief to look at him. He’d been yearning to see his face. He wanted so bad to touch him again and to just return to his arms, right where he belong. But it didn’t last long though. He frowned when he realized how devastated Yongguk looked right now. The man’s eyes were red and he seemed like he hadn’t been sleeping. The questions on how Yongguk managed to find him was thrown out the window when Yongguk started talking.

“Did Junhong come to see you?”

“N-no.” Himchan shook his head slowly. When he saw the fear in Yongguk’s eyes, he too, frowned. “What’s wrong? Where’s Junhong?”

Yongguk grabbed at his shoulders. His strong grip was supposed to hurt him but Himchan felt nothing when he saw the tears rolling down Yongguk’s face.

“Junhong’s missing, Himchan. He’s not in his room. I couldn’t find him. Oh god, he’s been missing since last night.”

Himchan felt his breath get taken away by the news.

 Junhong was missing. Where did he go?

Yongguk kept on mumbling and all Himchan could hear was something about Yongguk telling Junhong that Himchan wasn’t going to live with them anymore and that Junhong should stop asking about Himchan. It didn’t matter to him though. All he could think of was how cold it was out there and whether Junhong was okay.

What if a stranger came up to him and took him away? What if he got lost and ended up at a bad place? What if he got hit by a car while he was walking on the street? All of the possibilities ran through Himchan’s mind like a bullet train. He felt the world spinning around him and suddenly his eyes felt heavy and wet from the tears that were clinging at the corners of his eyes.

“We have to find him,” Himchan grabbed at Yongguk’s hands desperately. “Did you call the police?”

“I did,” Yongguk nodded sharply. He seemed exhausted. There were dark circles around his eyes and he looked like he could collapse any moment.

Himchan’s heart ached at the sight.

“He asked me to bring you back home but I told him that you were not coming back. He keeps asking about you every day after you left, Channie. He…he may have left the house to look for you.”

The last sentence made Himchan’s heart break into two.

“No, no, no.” Himchan shook his head. “He couldn’t—no he shouldn’t be looking for me…” When Yongguk lowered his gaze to the floor, Himchan let out a distressed sob. He then grabbed his coat from the back of the door and attempted to exit the old apartment where he used to live at when Yongguk finally stopped him.

“Himchan, no. We have to go back home.”

“What do you mean by we have to go back home? We have to look for Junhong!” Himchan cried hysterically, batting Yongguk’s hands off his body. “He’s out there, Yongguk! Our baby’s out there in the cold and it’s all my fault!”

“I’ve searched for him everywhere. I called the police. They’ll look for him. They want us to stay home so that when Junhong returns, we can be there for him. Right now I need you to come back home with me. Please.”

Himchan stopped struggling and finally nodded. But the tears wouldn’t stop pouring down his face. He was dead worried about Junhong being out there alone. He kept asking Yongguk whether the police had called him while they were on their way back but Yongguk would only shake his head negatively. When they reached home, both of them sat down on the couch with Himchan clutching onto Yongguk’s shirt as he tried to swallow down the tears.  

They waited for hours for the police to finally call Yongguk.

When they were informed that the police had found Junhong, Himchan had scrambled off Yongguk to grab at the phone, pleading for them to put Junhong on the phone so he could hear his voice but then Yongguk held him back and told the police to bring Junhong home.

Turned out that Junhong had wandered off to town. He tried taking the subway to search for Himchan. The six year old didn’t even know his way but he was stubborn enough to bring his Papa back home. He got lost while walking down the street and was found by a police officer who’d recognized his face based on the photo Yongguk had given the police.

When the police brought him back to his parents, his cheeks were already stained with dried tears. He started crying again when he saw Himchan running out of the house to wrap him in his arms.

“Junhongie. Oh, my baby. You’re okay…you’re okay.” Himchan scrunched up his face and sobbed out loud when he saw the exhaustion on his son’s face.

Junhong let out a tiny whimper and tightened his arms around his father’s neck.

“I’m sorry Papa. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please don’t leave me and Daddy. I’m so sorry. I promise I will listen to you more. Please, please, please don’t leave.”

Himchan shut his eyes and held the trembling boy closer to him. Never ever would he think of leaving his family again. Not when they needed him to be there for them. He was going to stay with his son and Yongguk forever. He felt so guilty for walking out of their life thoughtlessly. Things could’ve been worse. He couldn’t imagine how his life would turn out if they never found Junhong.

“No, Papa’s sorry for being mad at you all the time. Please forgive me Junhongie.” Himchan said.

After that day, Junhong never misbehaved again. He stopped screaming at Himchan. He never said he hated him anymore. It was now changed to ‘I love you Papa’.

For Himchan, he learned to be more patient when dealing with his son. It took a lot of commitment to make it work between them but Himchan would gladly sacrifice anything for his family. Yongguk vowed to him that he would always help Himchan whenever he felt troubled and he apologized to him for making him feel like he was alone. His relationship with Yongguk had returned to the way it was when they first got together.  

They started growing as a family together.

And years later, they became the perfect family.   

A/N:

This turned out to be one long- fic. I think my writing got kinda messy at the end. Blegh. Anyways, I thought I wouldn't be able to post this since I've been having a hectic week but hey! I survived and managed to complete it.

I hope you guys weren't expecting a fluffy fic about the family. Recently I've been thinking about parenting a lot (I'm not married nor am I that old hahaha) and I started imagining what it would be like to raise a child. In the end I came up with this fic. It turned out quite depressing but I guess there are certain things that I need to be reminded of when it comes to commitment. I think parenting can be hard sometimes. Hmmm *Deep thinking* You don't always get to have the perfect life you want and now I'm going to start rambling non-stop so I'll just shut up.

I hope you enjoyed the fic! Thanks for reading~ :D