Morning comes and to find someone’s broad chest as the first sight when Park Gyuri opens her eyes gets her a little dizzy and for a while she thinks she dreams of fairy tale. Then her phones is starting to get nosy with the alarm and the person who has been her source of warmth since the cold night stirs in his sleep, her brain works correctly again and like having been electrocuted, Gyuri’s eyes wide opened and her cheeks blushing hard.

She’s been sleeping with Yoon Doojoon through the night in one bed!

It’s not like they did something nasty, but still. The fluttering feeling in her stomach is too much and her brain screams at her to do something like stay away from him, but Doojoon’s muscular arms are too comfortable and secure to be left.

Her cheeks are still burning when he finally opens his eyes—sleepy and disoriented, kisses her forehead softly and croaks a husky good morning that she can feel his breath on her head.

Seungyeon says, “You are glowing, must have good news today,” when they are at the filming spot and Youngji praises he shamelessly; you look more beautiful day by day, unnie.

And for the rest of the day, Gyuri doesn’t try hard to hide her shy smile—her day feels at ease and spring has blossomed into her heart.

__

They has made a plan to visit him in his birthday (without party because even until now, doing birthday party in the dead place is taboo). Gyuri suggests visiting Jackson at the evening after attending the ceremony in Wang household. Aside for the right way they should do, it’s more convenience as they try avoiding the crowd of Jackson’s fans who undoubtly will fill the place that day.

Youngji becomes less smiling to the day and Gyuri can’t blame her sister. She blames herself instead how in such situation she still can smile widely whenever the thought of Doojoon pops up on her brain. Like, seriously Park Gyuri? Can’t you be more ignorant than you already are now?

“We’ll be alright,” She says, sincerely, one day when Youngji is caught dozed off and seems like in another world instead of in front of the display of many beautiful cakes in her shop. Youngji only gives a respond after some squeezing in both of her hands, finding Gyuri with her assuring smile.

The younger nods, and Gyuri suddenly feels the regret rush in—how come she let them be so distant like this?

“How are you holding up?”

It gets her startled and exactly five seconds for Gyuri to finally register his voice and what his concern is. You can’t just expect someone to ask your condition when in fact you’re humming softly while happily making toast in the quiet kitchen alone.

“I’m okay,” She feels dry, feeling embarrassed to dare having a nice feeling when in ideally, she should not.

She doesn’t hear Doojoon’s voice again after that. Not until when they are on the table in her dining room, enjoying the moment in the morning.

“Youngji looks like a zombie these days.” Doojoon comments, after taking a bite of the toast.

Gyuri ducks down her head, guilty fills in her whole body. “I know,” She murmurs, barely audible.

“I suggested her to take a break from the shop for a while, until, uuh, Jackson’s birthday has passed?”

It’s like the first time Gyuri ever listened Yoon Doojoon addressed Wang Jackson by his name instead of that kid like usual. She doesn’t know how to feel. She knows the awkwardness is still there, between them, although it’s been days Doojoon keeps staying in her apartment. And with him bringing up Wang Jackson to the today topic doesn’t help at all.

“And what did she say?” She asks back, hoping it doesn’t sound too dismissively.

“She’s spacing out, didn’t give me answer.”

Gyuri can hear the concern on his tone. She wonders if that’s what made her chest suddenly tighten, difficult to breathe. She knows he means well, but one thing about Park Gyuri and her feeling is, she still doesn’t know how to control it.

Gyuri gives a silent respond, doesn’t give him another word to keep the conversation alive.

She doesn’t know that her silent treatment can last this long, until she decides yeah, I can keep it till whenever I want. The day has come and she’s late from the time that the three has agreed to meet in Café Terrior because of the photoshoot. Gyuri thanks Seungyeon before hopping off from the car and in hurry walking in to the coffee shop.

To be perfectly honest, she hates what she sees right at that moment. Café Terrior is closed today and inside, both Heo Youngji and Yoon Doojoon are waiting for her. Gyuri doesn’t recall if waiting for her with such intimate gesture from both of them is the one she’s looking forward to, and her brain stops functioning for a second.

Gyuri gets astonished, looking at how close Doojoon to her sister, while Youngji staring at his face fully concentrated, and she knows—she knows—she might have been reading that wrong, but her tongue feels numb and is dry. She can’t even cough, and turns away from the sight.

She just realized she’s been crying when minutes later Seungyeon picks her up again in a bus stop few blocks away from Youngji’s coffee shop.

__

Seungyeon thinks Gyuri is being too emotional with the idea of today Wang Jackson turned 25 if he’s still alive. Gyuri feels grateful at how pure her manager always sees her, while she keeps sobbing until they reach Jackson’s burial place.

“It must be so hard on you,” Her manager softly whispers, they are still inside the car. Gyuri doesn’t say anything, eyes have been red and swollen, and through her blurry vision she looks at the crowd of fans outside, disoriented. “Are you sure you wanna do this now?” Seungyeon is certain what Gyuri intends to do right now is pure of impulse, because of her overwhelming emotion.

Gyuri hates that she can’t stop her tears and it’s not because of Wang Jackson. Her phone keeps ringing and without looking up at the screen, she knows who has been calling and doesn’t bother to fish it out of her bag. She just nods at Seungyeon’s questioning stare and takes the hat and the masker the one Seungyeon brings as her request.

“I know you’re sad, but I don’t want you to lose yourself too.” Seungyeon sighs. “I don’t think it’s safe for you out there.” Only her words fall on to deaf ears. Still in silence, Gyuri wears her disguise costume before hopping off the car.

Sometimes Seungyeon hates Gyuri’s gut that always puts herself in such unfavorable situation. She just gathers her belongings before jumping off the car and catching up with Gyuri when a mass of fans swarming up the place and of course Park Gyuri is disappeared from her sight quickly.

! Seungyeon’s eyes widen.

__

Apparently, life for the living people goes on. And here Park Gyuri is—trapped in the sea of mourning fans—dealing with more human emotion that she considers bothering and unnecessary. Her heart is in pain to recall about many heartwarming memories she had with Jackson, but she can’t lie that her tears comes out for different reason.

Still fresh in her mind how close her step sister standing to her-supposed-fiance, felt like they had their intimate moment, and it gets her upset for having a nasty feeling like this. Her body is dragged here and there, she just follows the crowd, ignoring Han Seungyeon who probably in state of panic to lose her, ignoring her surrounding, ignoring both Doojoon and Youngji who may be wondering where she is now.

Living with Yoon Doojoon surely opens up Park Gyuri’s definition about emotion, about feeling, about love, and she thinks all of those are troublesome. When she thought she’s in love with Wang Jackson, she might feel envy because the one he loves was not her. But now when she thinks she is in love with Yoon Doojoon, she can also pain too, aside from questionable jealousy.

Her insecurity rises up when in fact, it’s impossible for Heo Youngji to betray her like that (she’s definitely seeing it wrong) but she can’t help with her tightened chest her brain is clouded to think clearer. She fears of possibilities to feel like this regularly in the future, and she believes it’s not what Doojoon expects from her.

From a far, Gyuri can see the big portrait inside the room, Wang Jackson is smiling handsomely, and more tears poured down from her eyes. Others may look her as one of those obsessed, insane fangirls of the dead actor, but she can be careless with the assumption.

If only you’re not dead. If only you didn’t leave me.

Her mind is busy with sudden anger and regret that build up inside, Gyuri doesn’t even notice the buzz and whispers around her—it’s Park Gyuri! Really, is she really her? Told you so, they had deeper relation other than friends—as slowly people form a small circle with her as the center.

It’s too late for her to realize, starting from a person to take her picture, camera flashing is everywhere. Her tears stop at once, but her body is trembling hard now. She takes a sharp turn, wants to leave the place as soon as possible, but with the crowd of people she only stuck in her spot now. Someone even dares to pull her dress so that she turn at the motion and that someone has a better picture of Gyuri’s caught act.

Another someone also dares to yank her arm, strongly, gets her whipped her head to see and glare. Her nose recognizes his scent faster even before she takes a better look of the perpetrator. Yoon Doojoon’s height is looming over her, he uses his body as a shield while hand securely grabs her arm and ushers her to leave the crowd.

“Can you not scare me like that again?” His voice is tight with helplessness as he drives the car. “Please call me or at least have Seungyeon by your side when you’re in public.”

Gyuri sniffs. “I am o—“

“You clearly are not.” Doojoon cuts her off, sharply. “I know you’re upset, but it’s not about that kid’s birthday, is it?”

“You have no idea,”

He puts on a brake, parking the car at the side lane, before fully turning at her side. His eyes, stare at hers deeply like trying to search something as a clue about her sudden sourness.

“I know you think you love him, but that doesn’t mean you should be forever trapped in the past.”

“I do love him, and no, I have moved on, believe it or not.” Gyuri says the words through her quivering lips.

“Then I’m glad if you have.” Doojoon retorts, eyes still looking at her with such a gaze while Gyuri herself tries hard to avoid it. “You didn’t answer my call, you didn’t show up at the appointed time at the café. Do you know how worried Youngji was, assuming the worst scenario that could happen to you.”

Her lips twitched at the mention of her step sister and quickly, she looks at the side. Why does she feel he’s concerned more about Youngji than herself? She bites her lower lip to prevent the tears that threaten to fall out again.

“But I’m alright, see?” She spats, more to the window rather than to Doojoon. “I’m perfectly fine so you can go back to Youngji and tell her that!”

“What?” Confused, his curiosity only meets her sealed lips. Her ignorance is finally ticking up his sleeve. “Park Gyuri,” He growls. “If your sister is that worried, imagine how I feel?”

“I don’t know?” She utters the answer rather carelessly.

“Okay, this is not fun anymore.” His voice becomes dark and impatient, as Doojoon grabs her chin to make her look at him in the eyes. She’s a crying mess already and his gaze softens seeing her in the state. “Is Youngji involved in this case?” He carefully asks.

Gyuri shakes her head weakly. “It’s just,” She sobs. “I turn into ugly creature once emotion overwhelms me.”

She gets a bit startled when his thumb traces along her cheeks as wiping her tears away. He lets out a low chuckle. “Well, we all do, if that’s the case, Gyuri-ah.”

“No, it’s just me! I can’t believe there’s anyone else that will be annoying and demanding more than myself, that, that, I can’t even believe my own self!”

“But you know what? I like you who is annoying and demanding. I like you because you are… you.” His soothing voice gets her to look up and stares unbelievably at him, while Doojoon gives her a slight nod and smile. “It’s complicated, I understand, but doesn’t mean impossible.” His hand stretches and touches her hair. He pats her head that Gyuri feels she’s like a little girl getting calmed down by her big brother. “True, I care for Youngji openly, only because she’s part of you that you treasure much, and the last connection for you to Jackson in this world. I might be greedy to think that you’re jealous because of my concern for your sister, but I just wanna say that above anyone else, I care for you the most.”

The cold, to the point Yoon Doojoon for a moment looks like someone else in front of her eyes. The sweet words he has uttered touch her deeply that she can’t say anything in return. Instead, a fresh batch of tears is coming again and Doojoon pulls her closer. He hugs her securely, kisses the peak of her head while her hand rubbing her back soothingly.

“I,” She tries to explain. “I came to the shop and, and, saw you and Youngji,” She takes a breath here. “Standing too close to each other.” She whispers. “I, I don’t know, my brain told me it wouldn’t be anything like that, but, but, I couldn’t take the nasty feeling inside my chest.”

Gyuri feels her chest vibrate as he chuckles at her story.

“It’s not nasty feeling, my dear.”

“It is! I know I shouldn’t feel that way toward my own sister, but I still did. It’s not right.”

Doojoon pulls them apart, with grin still latched in his mouth. “It’s jealousy. And couple has privilege to be jealous at each other.”

“B-but, you never seem jealous at other guys because of me!” She cries.

Laughing, Doojoon cups her face and seals with a sweet kiss. He murmurs through her lips, “Oh, you just don’t know how much hatred I feel toward that kid, even until today.”

Yes, someone comes and goes. Yes, life is complicated and never comes easy. Yes, sometimes you are too overwhelmed with your emotion and can’t think straight. But those are what make you human. And human breathes, feels and loves in order to live.

Wang Jackson may have left her—for bad and good—but Park Gyuri is still breathing. And as long as her breath is still there, her emotion will always be there too. Sometimes messes her up, sometimes makes her feel great.

Sometimes it also whispers how much her love is, both for Yoon Doojoon and Heo Youngji.