Jinki

This was huge. This was important. This was groundbreaking. This was absolutely terrifying. Granted, anything remotely related to having to date, no, not date, attempt to even establish a coherent conversation with a possible love interest —even if it was all fiction— would be incredibly frightening. And awkward too. Oh, Jesus, how so very awkward this was going to be. What was he thinking when he let himself be talked into doing this? He knew since the beginning that this was the perfect formula for a disaster: put him in a situation where he had to talk to a more than likely attractive and charming man in front of a lot of cameras and have him do this luckily —or maybe not so much for him— without having to follow a script like in all the previous seasons. He knew he was only going to make a fool of himself on this show, and yet, he had said yes. Yes, Kibum, I’ll do it and be a complete idiot in front of the entire nation and probably the world. Goddammit! This strategy might work for other artists but surely not for him. He felt so grateful and flattered that the producers of We Got Married had approached him to offer him this opportunity. Even more so when this season was going to be the very first one with LGBT couples. It was quite the honor really, and Jinki had felt like this was the best way to not only promote his new album, but also of letting the world know once and for all about the subject he always kept quiet. He was getting tired of evading direct questions about it and not feeling confident or comfortable enough to clarify speculations. And it hadn’t been his moment to talk about it. He had always wanted to do it at his own time, and now was the time he felt right. But one thing was acknowledging his orientation and a very different one was exposing his lack of dating experience to the world. He basically had no game, and now he was twenty minutes away from meeting the other half of this “couple” and he was starting to sweat cold sweat.

“Are you still staring at that hairdryer like you’re expecting it to come to life and kill you with its wire?” Asked a voice coming from behind. Jinki looked up into the reflection of the mirror and saw Kibum coming towards him with his phone in one hand and his planner in the other. He stopped to his right and continued typing something on his phone.

“Would it be really that bad if we took our things and left right now? Before the others get here?” Jinki had lost all hope of stopping this, which surely was going to be his death, but one last time of begging for help wouldn’t hurt anyone.

“For the tenth time in the past half an hour, no, we can’t just leave,” answered Kibum. “Unless you want to face the rage of an entire company.” He kept his attention to his device and missed the expression of despair on Jinki’s face.

This was hopeless, in all the possible ways, and he had kind of already accepted his impending doom, but that didn’t make things better. He was trying out those breathing exercises that Luna, his label mate and friend had taught him a few years back during his trainee days, when he felt a pair of hands on his shoulders. He focused his eyes once again and saw Kibum in from of him.

“Alright, listen. I know this is going to be nerve-wracking for you and that you’re about to pass out. Yes, I know.” He took one tissue from the dresser and wiped Jinki’s forehead. “But let’s not even think about the promotion of the album for a moment,” he looked him in the eye. “Think about what this is going to mean to people. To the people out there like you. Like us.” Kibum gave him a meaningful look that very few times Jinki had seen in his eyes. “You know I hate to be all mushy about being a role model and , but this time, this time Jinki, I think you can actually do something good,” he started to fix Jinki’s shirt and cardigan. “We all know is time for this country to have a show like this one doing the right thing,” he stopped with his ministrations and looked him in the eye again. “And honestly, I think they couldn’t have picked a better person for it.”

Jinki, despite his nervousness, couldn’t help but smile a little at Kibum’s words. He was definitely not one to give pep talks and much less to give compliments without basis, so this was a rare occasion in which Jinki felt the friendship he had had for so many years with his manager, even before he debuted. And he felt grateful that even when he felt ready to throw up right then, he could count on his friend being there for him. He knew he was right, and if he was being honest, that had been the main reason why he had accepted to do the show. He wanted to show to young people out there who might be struggling as he once did that it was alright. That it was ok to like and to love who your heart was telling you to love. That even if they were not ready to accept it to anyone, or even to themselves, there was nothing wrong in feeling this way about someone else. This had been his main motivation when he had signed for this and having Kibum reminding him might have helped somehow. He didn’t felt so out of breath anymore.

“Besides,” said Kibum, who was now again invested on reading something on his phone, “you don’t have time to scape anymore. They’re here.” He said with finality. And Jinki, who had felt a little bit calmer just a few moments ago, was on the verge of mental breakdown one more time. Kibum was dialing a number when the door opened and the PD entered the room. She was walking towards them and Jinki felt his heart race.

“Ok, guys, we’re ready,” said the PD with a bright simple. “He’s here, so we can start this now. Jinki, please go to the front door and wait for me there. I’ll give you the cue so you can enter the café and we can start rolling, alright? Great!” She clapped her hands excitedly. “This is going to be amazing guys, I’m telling you. The first reality show to have more diversity!” She looked genuinely positive about it and that made Jinki feel a little bit better, to work with a crew that supported the idea. She gave her one last smile and with that she turned and left. Jinki had only grasped the basics of the instructions and was now sure that the judgment day had come. Kibum was already waiting for the person on the other side of the line to pick up when he grabbed the things Jinki had prepared for the meeting and was pushing them to Jinki’s arms.

“Alright, hyung, stop with that face and put yourself together. You can pee or throw up all you want later, but for now focus and let’s get going, c’mon.” He was already pushing him towards the door. “And for the love of God, breathe please. You’re starting to look blue and I doubt Jonghyun will like that.”

OH.MY.GOD. Was this even real? He couldn’t have heard that, right? Kibum couldn’t have said that name. No, he definitely didn’t just say Jonghyun. It was impossible. There was no way that the other poor soul, stupid enough to do this was Jonghyun. That he was about to spend weeks, months shooting alongside someone like him. And the thing is Kibum had only said Jonghyun, so there were quite a few possibilities as to what Jonghyun Kibum was referring to. Actually they had never mentioned if the other “participant” was going to be a celebrity too, so that left the door open for so many things to happen. That left the door open for so many Jonghyuns to be this Jonghyun; to be hisJonghyun. He needed to stop that right now because, wasn’t he the first to oppose to this whole idea? And yet, here he was, waiting outside the café for the PD’s cue to start the recording. He needed to stop thinking about possibilities and focus on the reality of right now. He needed to concentrate and do his best, otherwise he would end up embarrassing himself more than he already predicted he would. And thinking about the mere possibility of who might be entering those doors in a few minutes was definitely not helping his anxiety.

The PD called everyone to be ready to start. Jinki was trying to think about whatever he could to distract himself while he held more firmly the small box on his hands. Maybe bringing a gift to the first meeting was too much? Maybe he wasn’t even going to like what it was inside. But he had wanted to give the other person something, at least as an apology present for the weeks to come. One of the members of the crew came to the front and the loud sound of the clapperboard brought Jinki to reality. He was conscious enough to walk shakily towards the door and open it. Inside the little and warm café were just a couple of staff members too, with cameras and microphones, but they were a lot farther than Jinki was expecting. He vaguely remembered the producers talking about their intention to make this season less scripted (hence the lack of a script) and more comfortable for the participants. They were looking to capture a more organic experience and a more natural development of the relationships, so they decided to take a step back and not have them with cameras shoved in their faces. Thank God for small mercies because he wasn’t sure if he would’ve been able to do this otherwise. He took a seat in one table in a corner, as far away from the crew as possible, put the box on the table and waited for the crucial moment to come. He wasn’t sure if he should speak for the sake of the camera or if he should order something in advance, but he was too nervous to think about doing neither of those things. At least his reaction was being completely honest so far. He was dying! And right before he blurted out one of his especially embarrassing jokes, he heard the little bell on the door chime and he felt a gust of wind on this neck. This was it. This is how he was going to suffer an aneurysm and his career would end, after only one album. He was not ready to look and face whoever was approaching him. He felt his breathing quickening and his hands contracting, and he knew he should look up and say hi, or anything, really; the cameras where rolling, but he needed just one moment to take a deep breath and prepare himself. He could hear Kibum’s voice in his head telling him to just get it over with and at least say something. In a sudden rush of recklessness, he lifted his head with what he hoped was a friendly smile and looked into two big brown eyes. He was dreaming. He was actually still in his apartment waiting for the alarm to go off so he could get up and go to set for the first day of shooting. That was definitely the explanation as to why he was looking into Kim Jonghyun’s eyes. There was no way that he was going to do this show with him. Nope, no. Out of all the Jonghyuns in the world it couldn’t be possible that he, Lee Jinki, was going to be sort of married to Kim Jonghyun! 

The next chapter will be up soon this week, I hope. I just needed to post this one asap before I changed my mind. Now I have to make myself keep writing so I can update soon hehe.