There was always a whisper of something else for Minki; There was always the slightest of possibilities that nothing he knew or understood now was real. That everything he thought he knew he had simply dreamed up on some accidental overdose; Not a far of possibility-The plethora of pills the young man took more akin to a hundred year old’s medical regime.

 

The something else was faint, and hard to describe; It was the slight option that he wasn’t real, or he wasn’t he, or she was in fact someone else entirely. There were the strange whispers; The suggestions for a weak mind. Was he real? Was he where he was supposed to be? Was he who he was supposed to be? Was he himself, now, or someone else?

 

He blamed this aged and sudden slipping of his mind on reading fine literature and staying inside as a child. He had grown up with his grandmother, listening to her fantastical stories of the founding of Jeju-do and the demons that lived in ancient Korea. He had stayed in and read story books instead of looking at the real world, so by the time he looked up and saw reality flash before his eyes he thought he saw the fantastical dancing before him.

 

He had loved to sing and dance and perform; His lack of self consciousness (perhaps a side effect of eccentricity) made him a perfect candidate for fame. When his grandmother grew gradually to elderly to take care of either Minki or his elder brother she sent him to the city to begin to train with an entertainment company; It was her way of ensuring that he was safe and taken care of, that he would have someone to remind him to take his pills and brush his hair. Someone to make sure he got dressed in the mornings, didn’t wear anything humiliating without thinking. Someone to look after him, make sure he ate and drank and worked and rested.

 

He was only 16 when he debut with a boy band; His new family. His grandmother lived long enough to see him safely taken care of-To see his opening stage and meet his new found family; A fine group of boys, she thought, even if they were all somewhat strange. She was happy to see them looking after her Minki, to see him growing up a little faster; A little of the dreamy look was gone from his face as he looked lovingly among his new found friends.

 

She died peacefully in her sleep, happy knowing both her grandson’s were happy as they were; The elder in the army, with a legion of soldiers to help him and support him, and Minki doing something he enjoyed with people she had grown to trust to take care of him and make sure he was well and happy.

 

Minki had not cried at her funeral; Some would see this as cold cruelty, though that would be untrue; He knew she was happy where she was now, watching over him with the creatures of her stories. She was where she had always wanted to be.

 

After the funeral things began to fall apart though; Slowly, inaudible at first. No one took the time to notice; life was busy when you were trying to film and promote and perform. Minki didn’t even notice; He had always known that one day a piece of him at a time would go missing and then another and another until he was only his bare soul; This expectation for loss had numbed him to the reality of loosing.

 

Soon it was more than just zoning out when they were speaking to him; Soon it was more than just forgetting what he was doing or who he had been talking about. He started to forget to come to practice, to forget to eat; There was even the terrifying incident when he seemed to have forgotten how to breath, suddenly falling to the floor, his pale face growing increasingly blue as his band mates quickly gathered around him, Aaron shouting for them to move back as he tilted Minki’s head up, trying to allow his airways to open.

 

Incidents like this slowly started to build up, the band members concerned growing as most days Minki forgot to even get out of bed without being poked and prouded; The previously dreamy and active maknae was turning into something more akin to a comatose patient.

 

The band had never talked about Minki and the issues it was evident he had; They had never gathered together to check if he was taking his meds, or force him to go to the hospital. They’d never called him to them to talk about the things going on in his mind as his hands began to shake.

 

Now, however, they were forced to. It was late on a Saturday morning, and the band had no schedule that day (partially due to the fact that even managment was beginning to be afraid for the small blond boy who was currently sleeping on the couch, his head tilted slightly back, dead to the world).

 

“Okay, so, we all know Minki..” Aaron began, looking with some concern around at the group of boys gathered on the floor of their apartment. “We all know Minki’s got some problems, and I think we’ve been ignoring them...now, I think we need to talk about them,” Aaron continued, receiving nods in response and affirmation from the other boys.

 

“Yeah, we’ve noticed,” Minhyun replied, looking at the blonde passed out on the couch. He didn’t fail to notice how Baekho rested his hand on the younger’s thigh, how her ran his thumb over the inside of his leg. “And we two,” he stopped at looked at JR to who nodded in affirmation, “Think that we should take him to the hospital asap.”

 

Baekho had thus far been relatively uninvolved in the whole conversation, his eyes instead trained on the blonde's pale face, watching his gentle breathing and frail twitches. Now he looked up, nodding as well.

 

“Yeah, I think we need to do that...Even manager hyung agrees,” He said, looking seriously at Aaron, taking a deep breath. “I think we have a lot to go over...Minki’s not like us, or, I don’t think he is,” he said, beginning to explain what he believed might be going on. He had been the ones Minki’s grandmother had confided in before she had died; Telling him all her worries for Minki.

 

“Minki’s always been...fragile,” he began, trying his best to remember everything the old woman had imparted to him. “He’s always been dreamy, but there have been times in the past, when he lived on Jeju-do, that he would get extremely...depressed, and then manic. He’s hurt himself, before. He has issues with the real world; They tried to diagnose him earlier, but his grandmother didn’t want him on anti-psychotics-They’re a drug to keep him calm and try to pull him out of his head,” Baekho explained, his voice cracking. Minki already took so many pills to try and manage asthma and depression and anxiety and physical pain. “But she wanted him taken care of, even if eventually it meant things would change…”

 

The room was silent, but for the soft breathing of the boys and the occasional sleepy moan from Minki, shifting uneasily on the couch. They were all listening intently to Baekho, little pieces of a story none of them had ever fully understood falling into place as they heard.

 

“I think...I don’t think Minki is a...a boy necessarily,” Baekho said, haltingly. He was unsure of what he was trying to say. It had made sense in his head; Minki, or Ren as he had started going by even off stage, wasn’t like them; He wasn’t a boy. He simply had a male body? It had seemed so simple to Baekho, but now everyone was looking at him as if he had totally lost his mind, any point he had been no lost in the seeming invalidity of what he had just said.

 

“Baekah, what the hell are you talking about?” Asked Jr, his eyebrow raised. “What do you mean, he’s not a boy? He is...He is a boy.” Jr sounded genuinely confused and unsure as if he couldn’t quite be sure; Was Minki a girl? Were Kdramas really that close to reality? The whole situation was starting to look ridiculous.

 

“No, that’s not what I mean, exactly,” Baekho said, trying to explain. His voice was a little shaky-He was unsure of himself and his words. It seemed a silly thing to say out loud, “Well, In America there are words for people who aren’t a boy and aren’t a girl...Aaron, you know?” He mumbled, sounding somewhat desperate. He knew he must sound a little crazy trying to explain something there weren’t even Korean words for.

 

Sudden realisation seemed to be painting itself onto Aaron’s face. He seemed to understand.

 

“Yes,” he said quickly, “Yes! It’s genderqueer...or not a commonly recognized gender,” he said, trying to explain in Korean and Chinese. “What are you trying to say, exactly, Baekho?” He asked, trying to bring to mind all the genders he had been taught in his Californian progressive school.

 

“I mean, he’s not a girl...but kinda, he’s part girl? In his head he’s part girl…” Baekho trailed off, his gaze falling to the floor. For some reason he was blushing. He couldn’t properly explain this...it had been silly; What if Ren hadn’t wanted them to know? What if his feelings for Ren were clouding his vision?

 

“Demigirl!” Aaron said triumphantly, proud to know a word to describe what Baekho was trying so hard to say. “Demigirl-It’s kinda like parital girl, in your head. He’s not a girl or a boy, he’s demigirl...or demiboy, I suppose, depending on how he feels about it,” Aaron tried to explain, jumping to Baekho’s defence as he saw the younger's face growing red in embarrassment.

 

“Yes, exactly, hyung, thank you,” Baekho said, taking a deep breath before preparing to continue; “I think this is making whatever is going on in his head worse...he’s really upset, and I think we need to help him out, make him feel welcome and like we’re really his friends.”

 

“But of course we’re his friends! He knows that,” Minhyun interrupted, “No matter what he is or how he feels…” He was a little affronted that Baekho would think they weren’t really going to be there for Minki over a little thing like that.

 

“No, no, I don’t mean that I think you’d leave him or anything,” Baekho said quickly, blushing a deeper red at having offended Minhyun, who he looked up to often because he was so graceful and easy going. “I mean, I think this depression will make him feel like we don’t really care.”

 

“It’s settled then,” Jr said, pushing himself up off the floor, and dusting his hands off as if the matter was settled. “I’ll go call the hospital now and make an appointment and we’ll talk with him when he wakes up. We’ll make changes. I’ll go talk to management and try to get the week off...I think Minki-Sorry, Ren,” he corrected himself, “Needs some time off.”

 

It was several hours before everything had been sorted out and Ren had woken up, slowly getting off the couch and draping himself sleepily around Baekho’s shoulders as the elder cooked some kind of soup. Ren reached around him and stole a carrot stick off the cutting board, almost getting his fingers nicked by the knife moving at a somewhat frighteningly speedy pace in Baekho’s steady hand.

 

Baekho quickly put down the knife, turning around and wrapping the younger in his arms. Ren looked up at him sleepily through his eyelashes, one of his rare dreamy smiles spread across his face. Baekho knew it might be wrong, but he never wanted to forget that smile.

 

“Hey, we’re gonna talk tonight, ok?” He questioned, still holding Ren tightly, his words soft and rounded at the edges as if Ren was some small child he didn’t wish to spook. In a way he was...the 16 year old was sometimes much younger than his years.

 

“Okay, but I’m so tired,” Ren mumbled, resting his head on Baekho’s shoulder. Baekho always made him feel safe and welcome in his arms. The elder was this amazing safty blanket; He always managed to make Ren feel like himself, even when he wasn’t quite sure who ‘himself’ was anymore.

 

“Yeah, we’re gonna talk about that too, but don’t worry about it. Just go sit at the table with the others,” Baekho instructed, picking back up the knife as he unwrapped himself from Ren and pointing towards the living room eating area with the sharp object.

 

Ren didn’t reply, simply movingly slightly shakily towards the afore mentioned room, walking as if he was inside a deep fog and couldn’t see very far in front of him. He knew what he was seeing wasn’t real; But still, it scared him. The light flooding the room from a huge golden hole in the room that was not meant to be there. Was it a window to hell? He wondered if he would fall in. He wondered if he was on his way to dying...just before he hit the floor Jr had caught him, helping the small human gently to the couch.

 

“Are you ok, hon?” Aaron asked as he came in after Ren, helping Baekho to carry dishes into the room.

 

“Yeah... I think so.”

 

------------

 

The conversation did not go over well; Ren cried, yelled, screamed, threw a bowl of soup across the room and sank to his knees. He didn't want pills, he didn’t want anyone to think he was a girl, he didn’t want to get hurt again...He didn’t want strange stares to follow him.

 

As Baekho held him back, wrapping the smaller boy tightly into his arms and making him feel safe as he could Ren began to relax, letting himself melt into the elder boy making him feel welcome again and like they were actually on his side. Slowly, with much whispering and quiet prodding the youngest member of the band agreed to go talk to the doctors and the therapist that the boy’s had lined up. He even began to haltingly talk about gender, and the monsters constantly living inside his head. He told them about all the pain and crying and fear.

 

It broke Baekho’s heart, more so than even the other’s. He held Ren tightly, trying to keep from crying out and telling the younger how much he meant to him, no matter who he was or how he felt; They’d make it better. He’d do everything he ever could to make Ren happy.

 

He restrained himself, however, instead settling for sleeping beside the younger on the couch that night; Ren had been too tired and upset to make it to his bed. It seemed he was often too tired and upset to make it to bed lately.

 

The next day dawned cloudy and pink on the horizon as the team began to wake and get themselves ready. Ren wouldn't change out of his pajamas; He seemed to have gotten it into his head that something bad would happen if he did, and no matter how much wheedling and coaxing he tried Baekho couldn’t get him to change, finally ending up carrying the younger to the car. Ren apologized into his shoulder…

 

“I’m so sorry, hyung. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m so sorry.”

 

Baekho’s chest hurt with the pain of Ren’s words. He wanted to make him feel better...to tell him how much he cared. Instead he just climbed into the van behind the younger, closing the door behind them as they headed towards the hospital. Ren was sleeping quietly on his shoulder when they arrived.

 

-----------

 

By the time they arrived home that night they were all exhausted. Ren had a neat bag filled with pills, along with several call backs and doctors slips. Baekho had gone to the pharmacy for him and gotten everything they said he needed; He looked tired and sick, and nervous as he began to take the cocktail of colourful tablets.

 

That night Ren again fell asleep, his head on Baekho’s chest. Aaron watched them quietly from the door of their shared room; He could tell how Baekho felt, and if Baekho ever asked him, he thought Ren felt the same way. He didn’t know if Baekho would ever tell Ren how he felt, but already, Aaron could tell it was eating the jovial boy from the inside out. He sighed, turning away; Now probably wasn’t the best time to go stirring the pot, now that Ren finally had a chance to get better somehow.

 

As the days passed however and the dreamy, happy look began to return to Ren’s face it was hard to find a time when he wasn’t talking softly to Baekho, even beginning to be cheeky again. He would tease the elder, pull his hair gently, make jokes about him to his face...He wasn’t the same scared, crying kid who had been desperately trying to claw his way out of himself only weeks before.

 

Of course, the meds didn’t work like magic; There were still bad days. There was a transitional period. There were days when Ren would snap at even Baekho, pushing him roughly away and refusing to let him in. There were days when Ren would cry back stange; Regretting every choice he’d ever made to stay alive; Wondering what it would take for people to stop calling him a ‘pretty boy’ and just call him ‘pretty.’

 

The band though knew how to deal with this; They’d treat him like the princess he was, sometimes letting him get away with being a brat; They knew he was having a rough time. Aaron laughed softly, watching as Ren played games with Baekho. He wondered if the kid knew that Baekho would lay down on the floor and let the younger teen walk all over him if he only asked.

 

Aaron looked at Jr and Minhyun then, both looking peacefully oblivious to the obvious pain and happiness that Baekho was in. Aaron shook his head-It’d come right in the end, somehow…

 

The end was closer than any of them could have imagined when Baekho was in a car accident on his way to an acting schedule. He had been in the front seat, flying through the broken windshield as the car came to a shuddering stand still after being flipped by a semi-truck.

 

Ren had lost it; He had stopped taking his pills or getting out of bed. He had cried himself to sleep every night until he was allowed to visit Baekho in the sterile, nerve wrecking ICU. He had gotten in by saying that he was Baekho’s partner, and when he got in to see Baekho’s pale face against the white sheets he knew with his whole being that he wanted that statement to be true. He was shaking. He was still in his pajamas as he sat down next to the elder, taking his hand in his own; He had never noticed how fragile Baekho could be. Over the last few months he had almost forgotten the elder was human; He was so much more than just human in Ren’s mind. He was everything.

 

“I love you, Baek...please, please be okay,” he mumbled, unaware that the elder was in fact awake and regarding him through half shut eyes. Baekho’s heart skipped a beat, causing the heart monitor to beep a little louder before settling down to it’s normal solid hum.

 

“Hey, you’re not dressed again,” Baekho observed, his voice raspy as he tried to squeeze Ren’s hand softly...his fingers weren’t cooperating. “I love you too,” he added, a soft smile on his rounded face.

 

Ren burst into tears, laying his head on the hospital bed, pulling Baekho’s arm closer to him and holding it as it it were a lifeline.

 

“Oh, god...oh god,” he whispered, not leaving the elder’s side until he was forcibly removed, though he came back every day after until Baekho was released and taken home.

Everything could keep moving in Nu’est again...everything would be alright. They’d been through a lot together, in several languages, and now; Now they were unbreakable, stronger for their differences and the battles they had fought and won.