II

 

On some days, Joohyun would invite Seulgi over. Just the two of them. Her parents were rarely home during the day or even at night. Workaholics. Her mother a nurse and her father a doctor. There were others who needed her parents more she said.

Seulgi expected Joohyun’s house to be grand and spectacular, something jaw-dropping. Yet, to her surprise, it was a modest home with the same mundane color, struggling lawn, and structure as every other house on her block. Strangely normal. And Seulgi wonders why they didn’t go for something more extravagant when they were more than capable of doing so.

“What good is a mansion when you’re alone?” is what Joohyun tells her with a soft laugh that seemed more forced than genuine, as if it were a joke all to herself. Not the kind she found funny, but one she was a victim of.  

But before Seulgi can utter a word back, the elder is already pulling her along.

“Plus, simple is best. Come on, let’s get inside.”

 

They’d eat breakfast together some days before school or early mornings on the weekend. Joohyun would prepare while Seulgi watched intently after admitting she wasn’t much of a cook, the elder advised she watch carefully. And she did as told, keeping as close as possible to observe Joohyun’s every move. Sometimes she was a little too close and she’d hear the soft giggles escape the elder followed by a gentle shove, pushing her back.

 

Cute.

 

“You don’t have to be that close,” Joohyun laughed. “I can feel you breathing down my neck.”

 

“But I like being this close,” Seulgi smiled, always saying the first thing that came to mind, and Joohyun gave her that same suspicious look that was exclusive for her.

 

“At least two feet of space. Otherwise, I might ruin these pancakes,” Joohyun commanded, measuring the distance between them with her eyes and nodding when Seulgi was far enough. “Good.”

 

From then on, blueberry pancakes became one of Seulgi’s favorites.

 

--

    

On lazy Saturday afternoons, they would confine themselves in Joohyun’s room. The elder was true to her word when she said, “simple is best”. There wasn’t much in this den of hers. An occasional family portrait here and there hung on the walls, books decorated both the shelves and floor, her desk littered with papers, homework and notes, and her bedsheets and curtains matching in a dark shade of purple. The only thing that had Seulgi puzzled was the couch placed against the far wall near the window.

 

Joohyun said it was her favorite space in her entire room. A place to sit or lie down, to read or think or to look out the window and watch the day pass by, whether it be by herself or in the company of another.

 

Then, she smiles and says, “Come here.”

 

And when Joohyun invites Seulgi to take a seat beside her, patting the vacant cushion, she complies almost instantly.

 

They spent these days mostly doing nothing, just to be with each other. Most of the time, it was quiet.

 

Seulgi would plug in her earbuds and play games on her phone, or take up her notebook and practice her sketches on whatever she saw outside the window. A pair of siblings, boy and girl, walking their dog, bickering as they moved along. An elderly couple taking a stroll, smiling with beady eyes as they enjoyed the cool weather, arm in arm. Or simply the trees as they shook ever so slightly when the wind blew by, their leaves rustling and their branches dancing.

 

Next to her, Joohyun would have her nose buried deep within the pages of her current novel with her legs draped across Seulgi’s lap and her head lying on the armrest. She’d shift side to side every so often to readjust herself and Seulgi would pause to look at her, a smile creeping upon her lips and not entirely sure why she was so happy. Just that she was.

 

It was as simple as that.

 

And indeed, simple is best.

 

--

 

“Tch, dang it,” Seulgi mutters as she yanks her earbuds out by its cord and sets it on the armrest along with her phone. The words “Game Over” still displayed on the screen. It’s the seventh time she’s lost that level and frustration was beginning to build.

 

She sighs in defeat and then looks over to the girl lying beside her. Immersed and quiet as always. Three taps to the calf that lies across her lap and Joohyun barely peeks over her book to look back at Seulgi.

 

“What are you reading?”

 

The elder finally reveals her face, “It’s a collection of poems.”

 

Proudly, she presents the book to Seulgi. The latter takes it, running her fingers over the aged cover and flipping through it’s pages that smelled like a mix of grass and vanilla.  Strange, distinct, and oddly intoxicating.  She breathes it in. Perhaps the smell was part of the reason why Joohyun was engrossed in her books all the time. The girl had a liking for scents after all.

 

“Do you like poems?” Joohyun inquires, sitting herself up and withdrawing her legs from Seulgi’s lap.

 

Seulgi laughs a bit as she returns the book to its rightful owner.

 

“I don’t read that much, remember?”

 

Joohyun laughs as well.

 

“I remember.”

 

She thumbs through the pages, the crisp sound of paper echoing throughout the room, crackling, until she settles on one, falling in the middle.  

 

“Then, from now on I’ll try to read some to you every once in awhile. Would you like that?”

 

How could Seulgi ever say no?

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

Her eyes twinkled, “Good.”

 

And Seulgi could see that Joohyun absolutely loved poetry.

 

--

 

On most school days, Joohyun continued to tutor and although Seulgi dreads it, she goes as well. Only for her. Isolated, she claims a table in the far off corner, obscured by bookshelves and carefully hidden away from the windows.

 

Dark and quiet and alone.

 

She studied, she drew, she played on her phone--all alone. Alone only until Joohyun finally joins her with a small smile gracing her lips that never fails to make Seulgi’s stomach jump in circles.

 

Fleeting.

 

Unsettling.

 

At the end of the afternoon, Joohyun would always join her without fail.

 

“You’re going to the library again?” Wendy utters in disbelief as she finishes gathering her things from her locker. “You’re already passing physics, so why do you go there almost everyday? What’s the point?”

 

Seulgi shrugs, slinging her backpack over her shoulder.

 

“To study some more. It’s a good place, you know?”

 

And as if Seulgi had just revealed the world’s biggest, darkest secret, Wendy stares at her, mouth agape, eyes wide, and face completely horrified.

 

“Wow, did you really just say that?” Wendy shakes her head, obviously suffering from shock. “Am I really talking to Kang Seulgi or are you some kind of imposter?”

 

Seulgi rolls her eyes. She knows she’s not exactly smart but come on, it’s not like it was impossible for her to be studying. It was just her preference not to most of the time. Although, even now, studying was not her true intention but Wendy doesn’t need to know about Joohyun. At least, not yet.

 

“Ha Ha. You’re hilarious,” Seulgi mockingly laughs. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Wendy.”

 

“Whatever, Kkangseul!” Wendy shouts as Seulgi begins to disappear down the hall. “You better tell me the truth later! Keep me waiting too long and I’ll try to find out myself!”

 

--

 

Soon enough, days come and weeks pass like fleeting moments lost in the wind. Every day they saw each other. Every day they spoke. Every day--almost every day--was together. And yet, Seulgi’s still not quite sure what they are.  Or if they were even anything in the first place. But whenever she sees Joohyun, so small and fragile, so radiant and blooming, simply captivating--all traces of doubt, all the incessant questions that made her uneasy, dissipate.

 

And Seulgi comes to the conclusion that titles or labels didn’t matter. They were just… together. And frankly, that was enough. If Seulgi could be with Joohyun, that was enough.

 

--

 

One. Two. Three. Only a few more enemies left until Seulgi had this game won. She scans the area, contemplating on how exactly she should dispose of the remaining troops. Should she rush it? Or perhaps act cautiously? One wrong move could spell the end for her and she definitely doesn’t want to repeat the last half hour she spent getting this far into the level. She hums in thought.

 

“Seulgi, what do you want to do after high school?” Joohyun suddenly asks, her tiny voice so loud and clear, it shocked Seulgi.

 

She looked to her side to see Joohyun was sitting up, lurking just centimeters away from her face. Seulgi quickly averts her eyes back to her phone screen.

 

She replies, shrug and all, “Go to college, I guess.”

 

“And study what?” Joohyun further inquires as she leans in closer and rests her chin upon Seulgi’s shoulder. The latter stiffens and tries to remain focused on obtaining victory.

“I’m not quite sure yet. What’s with these questions?”
 

“I was just thinking…”

 

Her voice trails off, receding to wordless thoughts that left Seulgi hanging. A low hum rests in Joohyun’s throat and Seulgi can feel it reverberate through her.

 

“Thinking, huh? Well, how about you? What do you want to do after high school?”

 

“College,” Joohyun simply replies, smirking to herself, playfully mocking the younger girl.

 

‘You Win!’ appears on the screen as Seulgi rolls her eyes and proceeds to the next level.

 

“Okay, fine, don’t tell me--”

 

She feels a gentle tug on her earlobe. Automatically the blood rushes to her cheeks and the soft breaths of childlike laughter caress her skin. Flustered and burning, she instinctively backs away and Joohyun laughs some more as she pulls her hand back from Seulgi’s ear. The touch still lingered.

 

“I’m just kidding.”

 

More wisps of laughter.  Joohyun lies back down across the couch.

 

“I think…” she starts off, “I want to do something in journalism or maybe teach. Something like that. What do you think?”

 

Journalism. Teaching. Reading. Writing. Those were all things Joohyun was good at. There wasn’t much to think about.

 

“I think it suits you,” Seulgi replies in full confidence.

 

“You really think so?”

 

Why does she sound so surprised?

 

“Yeah, I do,” Seulgi nods. “But even if you didn’t chose to pursue journalism or teaching, I think you’d do great in any career you decide on. You’re pretty much good at everything anyways.”

 

Yet again, Joohyun tugs on her earlobe, this time for showering her with sweet hollow words. But they weren’t empty or meaningless, Seulgi meant every word. Joohyun was always too stubborn to believe.

 

--

 

Scribbles and scratches. Eraser stubble littering the table. Smeared lead along the side of her palm. She bites the clip of her mechanical pencil, examining her work, making sure each line and curve was just as she wanted it or at least somewhat close to what she had envisioned. Something’s off. Her nose scrunches and she erases again.

 

“Do you ever actually study while you’re here?”

 

Joohyun was finally done tutoring for the day. The wooden chair creaks beneath her weight as she takes a seat across from Seulgi.

 

“Sometimes,” Seulgi replies back, her eyes never leaving her sketchpad.

 

“Sometimes, meaning never?”

 

Seulgi immediately objects, “Hey, I deserve more credit than that. I study… just a teeny bit more than never.”

 

It’s important to distinguish technicalities.

 

“Right.”

 

The elder rolls her eyes, shaking her head in response to Seulgi’s nonsense. She sweeps off scattered eraser shavings from the table using her arm sleeve. Joohyun had a habit of cleaning. She liked things neat and tidy--very much the opposite of Seulgi who just so happened to unknowingly litter here and there and leave it all behind. Joohyun’s already given her more scoldings than she could count.

 

She tilts her head. More shading is needed on the right. Perhaps some cross-hatching would look nice? Yes, maybe it would.

 

“So what are you drawing this time?”

 

“Zootopia.”

 

Last week, despite her failed attempts to stay home and play video games, Joohyun convinced Seulgi to go out on Sunday night. All because the girl had an urge to watch something--anything, so long as it wasn’t a horror movie. Easily convinced by Joohyun’s cute whining voice and adorable pouts, Seulgi caved and randomly chose Zootopia. Ironically, she ended up loving the movie.

 

“You really liked that movie, huh?” Joohyun laughs, clearly amused as she continues to discover how childish Seulgi was at heart.

 

“What’s not to like? It was funny and cute.”

 

“Like me?”

 

The smell of strawberries invades her space and Seulgi notices Joohyun is just inches away, leaning over the table and fluttering her eyelashes as if they were the wings of a butterfly. Cute. But Seulgi won’t say it out loud. What fun would that be? Instead she smirks and raises a brow. Skeptical and disagreeing.

 

“You?”

 

Immediately, Joohyun’s lips pout and she sounds a bit offended.

 

“What’s that tone?”

 

Seulgi tries to contain her laughter. Carefully, she sets the sketchpad on the table to the side and begins to caress her chin, looking contemplative. If only she had a beard to but she could only pretend.

 

“Well, you’re not that funny and you’re probably like ten percent cute--ow!”

 

Joohyun slaps her arm.

 

“--and ninety percent violent--ow!”

 

Joohyun slaps her arm, again.

 

“See!”

 

“Shut up,” she says, trying to suppress a laugh when she hits Seulgi’s arm again and the latter flinches.

 

When she recovers, Joohyun already has the sketchbook in her hands, narrowing her eyes and examining every detail. Seulgi can see the look of concentration on her face and it somehow makes her feel embarrassed. She touches the paper, her fingers move to trace lines, following the path Seulgi had drawn and realizing the art she created. A small smudge of lead stains the very tips of her fingers. Seulgi had never felt so exposed.

 

“This is actually really good, Seulgi.“

 

“Thanks,” is the only word she can muster when Joohyun looks back at her with such wonder in her eyes as if she had seen something marvelous. Something amazing. But it was only paper. Simply paper, is what Seulgi thinks.

 

“Do you ever draw people? Like family or friends?”

 

She shakes her head as Joohyun returns her sketchpad.

 

“Rarely,” Seulgi ponders briefly, biting her lip in thought and she comes to a strange realization. “I mostly draw strangers rather than people I know.”

 

Joohyun’s head tilts to the side, a glint of curiosity in her eyes.

 

“Interesting? Any reason why?”

 

Why?

 

Seulgi pauses and a moment of silence follows as she stares downward, thinking. Why? It was a good question to which she had no definite answer. Only a feeling of reluctance at the pit of her gut and the echoes of doubt in the back of her mind.  

 

She thinks.

 

To draw a stranger, to recreate their image and observe them was interesting. It was fun. And there was no harm, no expectations.

 

To do the same but for someone you know, someone you love, was an attempt to capture their entire being and to fail miserably. All she has is a pencil, paper, and these hands. How could they possibly do justice to the real thing? A dazzling smile could turn into a lopsided grin. Eyes shining in admiration could resort to tears. Anything and everything could go wrong in her incapable hands.

 

So maybe that was it.

 

“Lots of reasons why,” Seulgi finally replies.

 

“Will you ever draw me?”

 

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t know where to start.”

 

She’d rather not disappoint.

 

With a gentle smile, Joohyun reassures her, “It’s fine. Just draw the same way you always do.”

 

But even such sincerity and comfort wasn’t enough to dispel the feeling of inadequacy that was gnawing at Seulgi.

 

“I can’t because it won’t be good enough.” Her voice drops to a whisper, “Not even close.”

 

She tries to smile but Seulgi’s eyes fall upon her earlier drawings. The line here is too heavy. The space between the eyes is too narrow.  Her shading is off, too dark, too light. Everything now seemed so imperfect, so far off. Poor and shoddy.

 

A hand touches her face, the smallest bit of force pulls her in and Joohyun places a small kiss upon her nose, rendering Seulgi paralyzed.

 

“You really are ridiculous sometimes.”

 

Frail. Joohyun’s voice was so small and gentle. So thin as if the smallest vibrations could crack it. Why did she sound so sad? For what reason?

 

“You should at least try one day.”

 

Joohyun encourages her with the smallest smile, a fragile treasure worth more than anyone could understand, and Seulgi falls for it every time.

 

“Yeah, I’ll try.”

 

--

 

Joohyun is proper and polite, yet surprisingly playful with the way she smiles and laughs. She’s quiet and keeps mostly to herself but holds onto things so preciously like treasures constantly threatened to be snatched away. She’s strong, she stands on her own, but beneath it all is a fragile and lonely girl.

 

Seulgi knows. Joohyun doesn’t have to say. Seulgi knows.

 

At times, at her weakest, Joohyun can be irrational.

 

She can be needy.

 

Impatient.

 

Careless.

 

Selfish.

 

And despite it all, Seulgi feels for her all the same. More than she thought. More than she can bear. Naive and innocent. That's what people always called her. It's true. She is. But does that invalidate her feelings? No, it doesn't. They can tell her over and over again.

 

She's naive.

 

She's innocent.

 

She doesn't know.

 

She's too young.

 

How could she possibly feel this way?

 

It doesn't matter what they say though.

 

This is real.

 

How could they say otherwise?

 

Seulgi’s world quakes and trembles. Her heart sings in tune to the melody of Joohyun’s sweet voice and her body stills beneath kind caresses, small touches that ignite her skin and leave her breathless. A contagious smile that erases all worry and doubt. Her eyes, deep pools in which Seulgi would endlessly drown in. And the feeling of being cold and alone when they are apart for too long. This is beyond imagination.

 

It’s overwhelming.

 

Then, one day when she can no longer bear it, the truth is revealed over blueberry pancakes and coffee. The words just suddenly tumbled out.

 

“I love you. You know that, right?”

 

And it’s a lot heavier than she realized--the weight of those words.  They hang in the air and Seulgi could feel each breath forcefully drawn from her lungs. Anything but quiet. Anything but quiet. She says it over and over again in her head. Silence is the only answer she does not want.

 

Joohyun smiles with that same incredulous look she always wore.

 

“What do you know about love, Seulgi?”

 

And the latter knows she’s not being taken seriously. It was to be expected. But even so, even if Joohyun herself doesn’t believe, it doesn’t change a thing. This is real.

 

“I know that’s what I feel for you.”

 

Slowly but surely, she will make Joohyun believe. Day by day she’ll carve those words in.

And one day Joohyun will know it by heart.

 

--

 

“Welcome to Seoul! We hope you enjoyed your flight with us. Enjoy the rest of your day!”

 

Still groggy and drunk on sleep, Seulgi follows the river of passengers as they exit the gate. She wipes the slumber from her eyes and releases a yawn all at once. Her nap was a little heavier than expected but it was very much needed. There was still a long way ahead of her and she definitely didn’t want to be exhausted by the end.

 

She checks the time.

 

It was just a little past noon. 12:19 P.M.

 

What times did those trains leave again? She could scarcely remember. Five years, she thinks to herself. Five years and she was already starting to forget the smallest details she thought she would always remember.

 

“Excuse--”

 

A sudden thud and Seulgi blinks at the girl who was now sitting on the ground.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry! I should’ve been paying more attention,” Seulgi quickly apologizes helping the girl to her feet.

 

The girl shakes her head, her bobbed hair bouncing along. Seulgi found her to be adorable.

 

“No, it’s my fault. I was too busy looking at my phone that I didn’t--where’s my phone?!”

 

Suddenly, the girl is frantic and soon she’s on her knees, crawling on the cold dirty tiles, searching. Seulgi turns about, looking every which way to help, when she spots the phone just a few feet away. Maneuvering against the current of passersby, she picks up the girl’s beloved phone. A Rose Gold iPhone with a charm attached. She flicks it and it spins to face her. A bunny.

 

Bubbles rise and pop at the forefront of her mind and she smiles.

 

Five years.

 

A long time.

 

And yet, there are still some details--some memories--that were so thoroughly etched into her mind, imprinted so deeply, they would never leave her.

 

Never.

 

She returned the phone back to it’s owner and the girl endlessly thanked her to the point Seulgi began to feel embarrassed. It was as if she saved her very life. Back and forth they went, thank you, you’re welcome, thank you, no problem. Until finally the girl remembered she had a flight to catch and her plane was to board in ten minutes so she broke off in a sprint. Hopefully, she won’t drop her phone again.

 

Outside, Seulgi hails the next cab she sees. Her next destination approximately an hour or so away. Perhaps, two hours? She’s forgotten. But soon she’d be at the train station. And then soon after, she’d be there. Finally, there.

 

--

 

“So, what do you think?”

 

“About the poem?” Seulgi quickly replies, snapping out of her daze.

 

“What else? What do you think it means? How did it make you feel?”

 

There's excitement in Joohyun’s eyes, shimmering and gleaming. Anticipation barely hidden. But Seulgi can barely muster a worthwhile response. The chambers of her mind were dark and deep, empty. Blank.

 

“I don’t really know.”

 

She admits in all honesty and already she can see the scowl form on Joohyun’s face.

 

“Seulgi, were you even really listening?”

 

She may not have comprehended every word but she most certainly was being attentive.

 

“I was! I just don’t get it,” Seulgi laughs shyly as she scratched the back of her head. “It was just… so abstract to me. The only thing it made me think about was how beautiful your voice was as you were reading--ow!”

 

Joohyun flicks her forehead and it seems the elder becomes more violent day by day.

 

“Ridiculous.”

 

Joohyun shakes her head.

 

“But it’s true.”

 

Seulgi smiles back.

 

It’s a trade they’ve exchanged many times. More than either of them could count. And so natural that they barely noticed it.

 

“Whatever,” she laughs. “Here, I’ll read you another one. Hopefully, we find the right one soon.”

 

Joohyun flips through the pages fervently, the aroma of grass and vanilla fill the air.

 

“The right one?”

 

Seulgi wasn’t exactly sure what that meant.

 

“Yeah, the right one for you. A poem that you can understand, one that will make you feel and think, one that completely captivates you.”

 

Her hands stop, the ruffling of pages goes silent, and all is still. In Joohyun’s eyes, there’s a spark--something wondrous--and Seulgi starts to pay more attention.

 

“Then, you’ll finally get it.”

 

--

 

“Have you started on that paper yet?” Wendy inquires as they exit the classroom. The halls were bustling with the clanging of metal, the rustling of bags, and the chattering of students as they all prepared to go home.

 

“When’s the due date on it again?”

 

They turn the corner and one of the jock boys nearly runs into Wendy but she quickly twists to the left and he narrowly misses her. All without their conversation skipping a beat.

 

“Next Monday,” she replies.

 

“Then, no. Of course I haven’t started it yet.”

 

And they both laugh.

 

It was the same thing every afternoon. Class would end, they would walk together as they made their way to their lockers, pack up their things, discuss any plans for the night, and then go their separate ways or head out somewhere together. Recently, of course, Seulgi would go to tutoring for Joohyun and Wendy would go off on her own. But today was different, because as they approached their lockers there was an unexpected someone.

 

“Joohyun?” Seulgi asks, failing to mask her surprise.

 

“There you are! Took you long enough.”

 

Seulgi feels a sudden jab at her ribcage and resists the urge to do the same back to Wendy. From her peripherals, she could see the shorter girl sneering. There was no doubt Wendy would be prying her for more information later.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

Joohyun tucks her hair behind her ear, “I’m taking the day off from tutoring. I came over to come get you so we could go somewhere to eat.”

 

“Oh, okay,” is all Seulgi manages to say and it earns her a worried look from the other girl. Seulgi would’ve reacted much more excitedly and less restrained if it weren’t for the grinning smurf standing next to her with her eyes glancing back and forth, and her eyebrows moving up and down. Suggestion and suspicion. Subtlety was not a concept Wendy was familiar to. And Joohyun certainly wasn’t idiotic enough to not notice. Seulgi could hear the faint giggles being suppressed by Joohyun’s pursed lips.

 

Ever so smoothly, Wendy takes a step forward and wastes no time introducing herself , offering out her hand, “Hello, I’m Wendy. I’m a long time friend of Seulgi’s. Her best friend, actually. It’s nice to meet you, Bae Joohyun.”

 

Bae Joohyun? How did Wendy know her full name?

 

“Likewise,” Joohyun smiles as she shakes Wendy’s hand.

 

“So I’m going to guess you’re the one who helped our Kkangseul pass her physics midterm?”

 

“That’s correct. Seulgi came to tutoring every day for that midterm. I would even give her some practice problems to take home. She was very diligent.”

 

Joohyun eyes linger to her for a brief moment, “And in the end, it all paid off. I was very proud.”

 

“That’s good to hear. I was worried when she said she was going to get some help from a tutor. Kkangseul can be a bit of a dumb bear sometimes--well, actually, a lot of the time. I was afraid she would end up frustrating the person helping her but I see I was wrong.”

 

Wendy’s smile gets wider and wider, more dangerous. And before anything might slip up, Seulgi glares at her, urging her to say no more.

 

“I’m starting to ramble,” Wendy laughs. “Well, it was nice meeting you Joohyun. I’ve got a paper to start writing so I’ll head on out. Don’t forget to start yours too, Seulgi. I’m sure we all know how much you like to procrastinate. See you tomorrow!”

 

A breath of relief escapes Seulgi as she waves goodbye before Wendy soon disappears among the sea of students. Then, a familiar warmth entangles her arm. She needn’t look to know what it was or rather, who it was.

 

“Want to get some ice cream?” Joohyun asks.

 

“Same place?”

 

“Same place.”

 

--

 

Seulgi commences her nightly rituals. Set the alarm. Pick out her clothes. Wash her face. Brush her teeth. And lastly, snuggle beneath the sheets and give in to slumber. But the vibrations of her phone interrupt her routine and a resounding ding notifies her of a message. It was Wendy.

 

WANdy: So... That’s why you’ve been going to the library. To hang out with Miss Beautiful, Smart, and Unattainable?

 

Seulgi her head to the side. What was with that title Wendy used? She messages back.

 

Kkangseul: What? You mean Joohyun?

 

A reply arrives immediately and all the messages afterwards come in a flying flurry.

 

WANdy: Who else?! Don’t tell me you don’t know.

 

Kkangseul: Uh…

 

WANdy: I swear, you’re so stupid, Sluggie.

 

Kkangseul: I have no idea what you’re talking about though???

 

There’s a pause and Seulgi is given time to rest as she awaits Wendy’s next reply. From how long it was taking her to respond, Seulgi assumed she was probably writing up some essay for her to read. Seulgi takes a moment to lie down, hiding herself underneath her blankets and just when she closes her eyes her phone demands attention.

 

WANdy: Are you serious? Bae Joohyun is one of the most popular seniors at our school! But she only socializes with a small group of friends. She barely talks to anyone else--freely, that is. If you’re not a friend of hers then she won’t even bother talking to you, let alone look your way. I still can’t believe you’re friends with her. She even took the initiative to find you so you guys could hang out. You really don’t know any of this?

 

Wow, is the only thing that crosses Seulgi’s mind.

 

Kkangseul: Well, I definitely assumed she was popular from how pretty she was...but I didn’t know any of that other stuff.

 

WANdy: You’re socially inept you know that? And so ignorant of your surroundings, it’s ridiculous.

 

Kkangseul: Hey, you know I don’t care for any of that status quo crap or who’s popular or not.

 

WANdy: I know. Maybe that’s why you were able to become friends with Joohyun. Most of the time, she turns people away. Knowing how gay you are, you were probably just entranced by how pretty she was, huh?

 

Kkangseul: Wtf

 

WANdy: Shut up, I’ve known you since elementary Seulgi. There’s no way you can deny it or make me believe any lie you try to conjure up. You like Bae Joohyun.

 

Kkangseul: You’re wrong. “Like” is a huge understatement.

 

--

 

It rains and rains all afternoon. The ceaseless pitter patter, pitter patter, pitter patter fills the silence between them.  Scattered puzzle pieces across the floor begin to fill the fragmented image before them. Joohyun grabs another piece, attempts to wedge it somewhere in the far right corner across from Seulgi and clicks her tongue when it fails to fit. She goes searching for another.

 

Seulgi grabs one herself and lays it where Joohyun last tried. It fits. She bites her lip, trying to play it cool, but there’s no use in hiding the smile cracking through. And Joohyun purses her lips, playfully pushing Seulgi away.

 

“Don’t get too cocky just because you found the piece I was looking for first. Remember, I’m the one who put most of this puzzle together so far.”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Seulgi laughs. “But who knows, I might be the one who completes the rest.”

 

Jooyhun scoffs, “As if.”  

 

Seulgi shrugs her shoulders. She goes for another piece but takes time to examine it first, evaluating where it’s rightful resting place was. Perhaps, the lower left corner, a piece of what seemed to be a garden? She presses it down and what do you know? It’s perfect.

 

“Would you look at that?” Seulgi snickers to herself, receiving a deathly leer from the elder.

 

“You’re just lucky,” Joohyun declares as her brows seem to permanently knit together, she begins to furiously search through the mess of pieces, trying to fit one in each second. Trial and error. Trial and error. Seulgi probably shouldn’t laugh at how determined Joohyun was but she did.  

 

It was fun to mess around with a competitive Joohyun.

 

Soon, Seulgi has altogether given up on the activity and instead focuses all of her attention on the girl before her--the one who was so concentrated on proving she was the better one at puzzles that nothing else in the world could possibly bother her. The one who put her all into whatever she did. The one who gave her most earnest effort. The one who loved the smallest details of anything. The one who found meaning in the most trivial things. The one who would hide her loneliness, who would yearn affection, but deny it all. The one who Seulgi could never leave alone.   

 

Jooyhun stops when she finally feels Seulgi’s gaze fixated upon her. She tilts her head to the side, curious.

 

“What is it?”

 

Seulgi blinks, she sits up and smiles from ear to ear.

 

“I love you, you know that right?”

 

And like all the times before, no matter how many times she's said it, Joohyun rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

 

“You’ve been saying that a lot recently.”

 

Indeed, she has. Days and weeks before, Seulgi’s made sure that Joohyun wouldn’t forget for even a second.

 

“It’s because I do. It’s because I want to make sure you know.”

 

Joohyun sighs, sounding exasperated as she correctly places another puzzle piece.

 

“You’re always saying stuff like that, Seulgi.”

 

But Seulgi doesn’t waver. Not the slightest bit.

 

“Because it’s true. Why would I ever lie about you?”

 

The pitter patter stops and in the silence that consumes them, Seulgi stares into Joohyun’s stagnant umber pools, searching--always unreadable, always so hidden, always on guard. She creeps closer, leaning into the elder’s space, feeling the warmth radiating from her body barely touch her skin. And despite how hard Joohyun tries, how put-together and unaffected she may always seem when she wants to most, for the first time, she falters. The elders cheeks burn red and she stumbles backwards a bit as Seulgi’s face comes within inches of her own.

 

“S-Seulgi,” the elder manages to say her name as it’s slightly caught in . A choked whisper. She freezes.

 

A few centimeters at a time, Seulgi closes in until she’s finally there and she rests her forehead against Joohyun’s. Ragged breaths drawn in and out. Nervous trembles running through. And when Seulgi sees the anticipation in Jooyhun’s eyes, she grins.

 

The tiniest carve made it through.

 

--

 

Reading was something special to Joohyun. That much was easy to tell from the way she recited these poems. It wasn’t just a voice lost in the wind. It was life breathed into every word. Emotion riding on every syllable. And pieces of her hidden in the spaces between.

 

If only Seulgi could understand them the way Joohyun did. Unfortunately, it just didn’t come as easy.

 

“How was that? What did you think?”

 

Seulgi rubs the back of her neck with an apologetic look on her face.

 

“I don’t know. I wasn’t really feeling that one either.”

 

A long and strained sigh exits Joohyun’s lungs and she  falls onto the bed behind her. Whether she was frustrated or disappointed, Seulgi didn’t exactly know. It was hard to pinpoint. But perhaps it was a bit of both.

 

They’d gone through countless poems. Yet, none were right. Maybe, Seulgi thinks, there just isn’t one for her?

 

“Be honest, were you really listening?” the elder asked in an incredulous tone. She gently kicks her legs back and forth, shaking the bed a little with tiny bounces.

 

She always asked that question.

 

“I swear. Why would I lie?”

 

“I don't know,” Joohyun’s head cranes to the side and her eyes follow as they drift off elsewhere, away from Seulgi. “Maybe you're tired of me reading but don't want to tell me? So you lie instead.”

 

A ridiculous notion. It causes Seulgi to chuckle.

 

“Do you honestly believe I'm that good of a liar? You'd know if I wasn't telling the truth, Joohyun. We both know that.”

 

Joohyun spends a moment in thought before she hops off the bed and onto her feet and begins rummaging through the piles of books stacked on her night stand.

 

“Then, how about another one? Can I read you another one?” She asks, still searching. “We both know you have a short attention span.”

 

“Man, you and Wendy are always saying that,” Seulgi complains.

 

“Because it’s true.”

 

And she’s right. It’s true.

 

“Whatever,” Seulgi yawns, as she stretches her limbs and lies down on the couch. “But sure, read another one to me.”

 

“Okay--”

 

“But it can’t just be some random poem,” Seulgi interjects. Listening to random passages here and there wasn’t as interesting to Seulgi as it may have been to Joohyun. This time she preferred to hear something else. Not a poem for her. But something personal, a poem that was for Joohyun. “Read one of your favorites.”

 

“One of mine?” Joohyun replies back in surprise.

 

Seulgi nods. The elder moves back to the towering stack of books, contemplating. Then, she picks one out from the back and begins sifting through the pages.

 

“Alright, sure.”

 

And she begins,

 

“Acquainted with the Night.”

 

She always started with the title.

 

“I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain—and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

 

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

 

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
One luminary clock against the sky

 

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.”

 

It ends. Joohyun lingers on the page before her, scanning it over one more time and then hides it away, closing the book. Seulgi stares, feeling odd and uncertain. A sort of heaviness hangs in the air, pressing down on them both in the midst of their silence. Joohyun sits back down on the bed, her hands laced together across her lap, thumbs twiddling and biting her lip. Anticipating. Seulgi simply has one question.

 

“Why is that one of your favorites?”

 

She twiddles more and clears .

 

“Because I’ve felt the same way before,” she quietly admits. “And there are times that I still do.”

 

It was one of the rare times Joohyun didn't hide.

 

And it was the first time Seulgi had seen her so vulnerable.

 

--

 

“Here you go ma’am,” The man hands her a pamphlet along with her ticket and receipt. “The next train should be arriving within the next half hour.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Seulgi takes her seat on a nearby bench, examining the ticket and rubbing it between her fingers. They trembled just a bit. She hadn’t realized how nervous she was. The cold unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach causes her to bite her lip. Relax.

 

She breathes. In. Out. In. Out.

 

How different would things be? Would they even be different at all? Five years is a long time but five years could also pass by in the blink of an eye. She thinks of the neighborhood where she grew up, the house she used to live in, the friends she used to have--and again, she begins to worry.

 

Perhaps, it was just the travelling. It was a lot in one day. And travelling was always so tiring. She yawns. Yes, maybe she was just extremely tired from it all.

 

The sound of metal on metal grows louder and in the distance, the train comes into view.

 

“Alright folks, get ready to board once it pulls into the station! But in an orderly manner please--hey! No pushing!”

 

Seulgi grabs her ticket and her bag. This is it. This is almost it.

 

--

 

“Bae Joohyun.”

 

It rolls of her tongue so easily.

 

“Bae Joohyun.”

 

Smooth and Sweet.

 

“Bae Joohyun.”

 

Like honey dripping from her lips.

 

“Bae--”

 

“Kang Seulgi.”

 

Speaking of Bae Joohyun.

 

Seulgi sits up from the couch, throw pillows falling onto the floor as she looks to Joohyun who was sitting at her desk across the room, diligently studying as she always does. The lamp light barely illuminated her face. But Seulgi could still make out her big brown eyes.

 

“What are you doing?” Joohyun chuckles beneath her breath, shaking her head in confusion. “That’s like the fifth time you’ve said my full name.”

 

“And for no reason,” She adds.

 

The younger shrugs before flashing a smile that could outshine that tiny little lamp light.

 

“I just really like the sound of it,” Seulgi confesses.

 

As expected, Joohyun rolls her eyes. Always so skeptical. But the way she shyly bites her lip reveals she isn’t completely unconvinced.

 

“You’re ridiculous,” she remarks. A comment she’s recited many times and more than familiar to Seulgi’s ears.

 

Joohyun’s attention returns to the hefty book in front of her. Jotting her notes down, scribbling out her answers, marking important pages with sticky note tabs. So concentrated. And yet, Seulgi can’t resist the urge to disturb her.

 

“By chance, did anyone ever call you Baechu--”

 

A flying pillow hits her square in the face, cutting her off but she laughs when she catches a glimpse of Joohyun’s flustered face. Even with so little light, those pink cheeks were more than visible.

 

“I’ll take that as a resounding yes.”

 

And Joohyun threatens to throw her notebook until Seulgi puts her arms up, signalling surrender.

 

Even on days like this where they did nothing together, where Joohyun was busy and Seulgi was waiting or Joohyun was quiet and Seulgi was watching, it was comforting. To be in her presence, to be in the same room, to just be next to her was what Seulgi enjoyed most.

 

How long will it last?

 

A terrifying question.

 

Seulgi falls back onto the couch a little too recklessly and hits the back of her head on the armchair. She hisses while she rubs away the pain, cursing beneath her breath at how she could be such a klutz sometimes. And in the corner of the room she can hear Joohyun snickering behind her paw sleeves that failed to hide the huge grin spreading across her face. It’s remarkably contagious as Seulgi soon joins in, laughing in unison.

 

How long will it last?

 

She doesn’t know and she doesn’t need to.

 

At least, not right now.

 

Because this moment is all that mattered.

 

--

 

A cheerleader, Seulgi guesses, with short black hair and a nice figure. She seems like the talkative type. Beside her is a boy a head taller than her, copper skinned and dark haired as well, probably some kind of athlete. Although from the folder of songs he's carrying around, perhaps he's in the choir or orchestra? Another boy and girl join them, both seem to be rebellious in a way from their dyed hair and piercings. To think, these were Joohyun’s friends. She wouldn't have believed it if she didn't see the elder across the hall happily chatting with them. It was one the rare times Seulgi saw Joohyun during the middle of the school day. She looked happy.

 

Every few seconds, a new person would greet Joohyun and her circle of friends. They either walked by with a quick hello or stuck around a bit for a little more conversation. Wendy was right. Joohyun was indeed Ms. Popular.

 

Wendy followed Seulgi’s line of sight knowing exactly who she would find at the end of it.

 

“Why don’t you and Joohyun ever hang out between classes or at lunch?” Wendy asks, closing her locker. “It’s weird considering how much you guys are actually together outside of school.”

 

Seulgi shrugs. She hadn’t thought about it until now.  

 

“I don’t know. It’s just always been like that.”

 

Joohyun playfully shoves the cheerleader as she laughs. Her laughter was such a familiar sound, so commonplace to Seulgi that she could practically hear it, as if Joohyun were right next to her.  

 

“Weird,” Wendy remarks. “Have you met any of them--her friends?”

 

“Nah, but it’s not like she’s met any of mine either, besides you,” Seulgi chided as she recalls the brief encounter Wendy had with Joohyun, “which was by pure luck on your part.”

 

Wendy simply grins in response, “Hey, I was going to meet her sooner or later and you know it.”

 

Their agreement is a brief silence as Seulgi’s eyes maintained focused on Joohyun. She was talking in that cute animated way, when her eyes would light up and sparkle and the corners of would slowly reach from ear to ear, beaming. Full of excitement and passion, you couldn’t help but be captivated by her.  

 

“So,” Wendy speaks up again,  “can I ask another question--”

 

“No, you can’t--”

 

“Shut up. I’m asking anyway,” The shorter girl cuts her off, shoving Seulgi’s shoulder and the latter sways a bit with a hint of a chuckle. “So, I know you guys are friends but clearly there’s something more--and don’t try to deny it, I know you Kang Seulgi, I can tell.”

 

And Wendy shoots down any possible rebuttal she could have conjured up. But Seulgi’s known for a long time now that telling Wendy anything other than the truth or to even try and avoid the subject would be utterly pointless in the end.

 

No titles. No declarations. No defined status. It’s how they’ve been from the start until now. She’s thought about it--a lot. Seulgi confesses the answer she’s reached a long time ago.

 

“I’m not sure exactly what we are but I know how I feel about her.”

 

The students have spent enough time dawdling and start to make their way down the opposite end of the hall. Seconds later, Joohyun is finally out of sight, Seulgi blinks away and when she glances over at Wendy there's curiosity and concern evident in her eyes and in the slight pout of her lips.

 

“That’s it?”

 

“That’s it.”

 

How simple it was. Or so she thought.

 

“So you guys are a secret?“

 

And with all things that were basic at first, you spin it, twist it, take it in from another angle and suddenly, it is no longer simple. It has become complicated in more ways than one with many interpretations, each a new layer that forms and you peel away at, only to discover more.

 

“I guess so,” is all she’s able to say.

 

Wendy grabs her by the shoulders, twisting her so they were directly facing one another. The warning bell rings and everyone begins to scramble towards their designated classrooms. Left. Right. Up the stairs. Down the hall. Yet the two remained still, letting everything flow past them.

 

Wendy takes a deep breath.

 

“Secrets are hard to keep, Seulgi. They can end up hurting you especially ones like this.”

 

There’s pain in her eyes and she speaks from experience. Seulgi remembers. The tears. The broken smiles. The sleepless nights of when she stayed by Wendy’s side. Even so, Seulgi doesn’t want to stop. She can’t. She lays a hand on top of the one Wendy has on her left shoulder.

 

“I know but this one is worth keeping.”

 

She tightens her grip on Wendy’s hand, reassuring her. Interlacing their fingers, saying it’s alright. Smiling, showing that she’s strong.

 

Wendy’s shoulders sink as she releases a heavy sigh. Defeated. Wendy never could resist her smile.

 

“You really are hopeless,  you know that?”

 

“So I’ve been told.”

 

--

 

Seulgi fiddles with the rubik’s cube, turning the top clockwise, rotating the sides, aligning the middle. She’s been at it for hours while Joohyun sat her desk still studying. She’s probably solved hundreds of problems in that practice booklet of hers while on the other hand Seulgi has yet to solve the convoluted multicolored cube in her hand. She never was able to figure it out since she was a child. Sure, there were tons of tutorials online, an instruction booklet was also included in its packaging. But Seulgi was stubborn and strived to do it on her own. Although, she’s beginning to think it’ll take decades before that happens.

 

Occasionally, Seulgi would take a break and from her spot on the couch she’d watch Joohyun, picking out little actions here and there.  

 

She bites on the back of her pen once in awhile.

 

She rubs her temples in thought.

 

She pouts her lips and her chin crinkles when she's deep in thought, completely focused.

 

Little habits of Bae Joohyun. Tiny movements. Gentle gestures. Minute actions that Seulgi came to adore.

 

“Seulgi.”

 

“Seulgi!”

 

Seulgi stirs to find Joohyun beside her, shaking her awake. She hadn't realized she’d fallen asleep. No light seeps through the curtains and there's the sound of heavy raindrops crashing onto the roof. A storm.

 

“What time is it?” Seulgi asks, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

 

Joohyun rubs her shoulder in comfort.

 

“It's already past 9 p.m., you fell asleep.”

 

“I noticed,” Seulgi laughs. She glances over to the clock on the wall realizing just what Joohyun said and begins to gather her things. “Crap, I should probably get going now.”

 

The elder assists by fetching Seulgi's coat that was discarded in the far off corner along with her bag.

Still in a haze of sleep, Seulgi throws her belongings into the bag haphazardly, her notebook falling out twice before she finally stuffed it in.

 

“I think that’s all my stuff?”

 

Zippers and buttons all fastened, they head downstairs and Seulgi struggles to slip into her shoes and lace them up, nearly falling over a few times as she balances on one leg.

 

"Hey,” Joohyun finally speaks up, leaning against the stair railing. “I'm sorry. You must’ve been bored just sitting there and I was so busy studying--"

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Seulgi interrupts, both shoes tightly secured. “I wanted to come over.”

 

“But I asked you to and then I practically ignored you the entire time...”

 

Her voice dropped to a whisper as she casted her eyes to the ground. How apologetic Joohyun must have felt to be making such an expression. She seemed almost scared at the same time, as if she had made a huge blunder. The sight tugged at Seulgi’s heart.

 

“Yeah, but like I said,” Seulgi stood at the end of the steps, staring upward, only inches away from the elder’s face, “I wanted to even though I knew you would be buried in your books all day. I wanted to keep you company so don't apologize.”

 

For a moment, they stare. Seulgi’s gaze locked on and unyielding as Joohyun peers further, evaluating her as she always did. Soon, a toothy grin breaks across Seulgi’s face and it breaks the standoff between them and Joohyun giggles in response, her cheeks slightly flushed as she gently pushes Seulgi away.

 

“You really are ridiculous, Kang Seulgi.”

 

“I guess so,” Seulgi shrugs. She does a small hop, adjusting the bag on her back and fixing the straps before she heads for the door. “Go get some rest, Joohyun. Those books can wait until morning.”

 

“Alright, bye--”

 

She opened the door midway, then a flash of light and a deafening roar cracks through the sky as the pouring rain becomes more furious. There’s a sudden leap behind her and Seulgi staggers when Joohyun suddenly latches onto her arm. Her hold a death grip with no escape. Eyes shut tight and body trembling.

 

“Are you okay?” Seulgi asks, placing a gentle hand on her shoulders attempting to comfort her in some way. She rubs circles with her thumb.

 

“Y-Yeah,” Joohyun pried her eyes open just a bit, still quivering. “You should get home before the storm gets w-worse--ah!”

 

Thunder and lightning strikes again and her hold on Seulgi tightens. Fists clenched so hard, her knuckles went white.

 

Seulgi holds her.

 

“Joohyun, are you sure you're okay?”

 

No answer.

 

“I can stay if you want.”

 

Joohyun attempts to squirm out of her arms, “No, you don't have--”

 

Another roar rips through the clouds in a dazzling flash of white light, silencing Joohyun immediately. Seulgi continues to cradle her as she watches Joohyun take deep breaths to calm herself. She was afraid but unwilling to admit it. Always stubborn to a fault. She can’t even pretend to be okay. Yet, she still tries.

 

But she didn’t have to.

 

Seulgi closes the door shut.

 

“I want to stay,” Seulgi says against the crown of Joohyun’s head. “But if you want me to leave, tell me now.”

 

And Joohyun remains hushed as she wraps her arms around Seulgi’s back, enveloping her completely.

 

--

 

It’s a blur of green, blue, and brown as Seulgi mindlessly gazes out the window watching all the nature they pass by. Her eyelids feel heavy and her head droops forward every few seconds until she finally rests her head against the window. The cool surface causes her to slightly shiver. Slowly, her eyes close. Another nap sounded nice.

 

Bzzt. Bzzt.

 

Seulgi stirs as she reaches into her back pocket retrieving her phone. Without any concern for who it was, she puts it her ear.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Yo!”

 

“Wendy,” Seulgi quietly laughs to herself as she immediately recognizes who it was. Who else could it have been? “What’s up?”

 

“Nothing much,” Wendy replied. “Just wanted to check up on you. So, where are you now?”

 

Seulgi takes a brief glance out the window again. It’d probably take another hour before she arrived.

 

“I’m on the train.”

 

“Nearly there, huh?” Wendy says quietly. Seulgi could hear her fingers softly drumming against a table. She was probably home, watching her dramas and most likely baking some kind of dessert. Typical Wendy.

 

Seulgi releases a heavy sigh, “Yep.”

 

“Are you nervous?”

 

She draws random lines along the cold glass, her index finger making trails through the condensation.

 

“What if I said I wasn’t?”

 

“I’d call you a filthy liar.”

 

They both laugh until a distant beep starts sounding off.

 

“Oh, my brownies are done!” Wendy exclaims and Seulgi can hear her rushing over to turn off the oven. And Seulgi swears she could practically smell the sweet scent of caramel and melting chocolate as she imagines just how delicious those freshly baked brownies must be. It reminds of her of how long it’s been since she’s seen Wendy, her tiny annoying smurf. And it reminds her of how lucky she was to have such a friend after all this time, still.

 

“Well, this is it.”

 

“Yeah, this is it.”

 

Wendy takes a deep breath. “Good luck, Kkangseul! You know I’m always rooting for you.”

 

Seulgi can’t help but smile, “Of course. Thanks, Wendy.”

 

They hang up and Seulgi proceeds to take a little nap. One more hour.

 

--

 

Joohyun’s been off. She stays up all night. She keeps her nose in the books and a pencil in her hand at all times. Exams are coming up and she’s working herself to death. But that doesn’t seem to be the only thing weighing on her. She often drifts off in her thoughts. She eats less. The bags under her eyes are more than lack of sleep and more possibly due to whatever stress is burdening her. But when Seulgi asks, she brushes it off. Reciting the same lines, I’m fine, It’s nothing, I’m okay. But who would believe her when the words leave in a drawl. Lifeless and practiced.

 

It worries Seulgi. It worries her to no end. So Seulgi cannot help but ponder on it, trying to figure out why. What was wrong? But the elder keeps herself enclosed. And Seulgi picks at all her locks relentlessly, refusing to let her shrink away all alone when she needed someone even if she denied it.

 

Seulgi takes another bite of her blueberry pancake as she observes Joohyun mindlessly picking at the edges of her own.

 

“You've been acting weird lately, are you sure you're okay?” Seulgi asks for the nth time the past week.   

 

The elder stays mum as usual, her fork still at work, poking along the perimeter of her breakfast. Until finally, she stops. Her hand stills and she releases a deep sigh.

 

“I've…” She bites her lip in thought at the threshold of saying more or continuing to withhold.  “I-I’ve just been thinking a lot, that's all.”

 

Seulgi eats the last slice of her pancake, the syrup from her lips.

 

“Want to talk about it?” She asks carefully. Seulgi wants to know and she wants to help but only if Joohyun was ready. What she wanted was for the latter to trust her. To confide in her when there was no one else to turn to, when she can no longer do it alone.

 

The elder is quiet. Then, for an instant, there’s this look of uncertainty in her eyes and the next few words catch Seulgi off guard.

 

“Would you ever hurt me?”

 

The question hits her like a wave, washing over her and leaving her cold. Frozen in her thoughts, she sits still and ponders as Joohyun stares at her, waiting in nervous anticipation.

 

“Would I ever hurt you?” She says aloud, giving it time to sink in. Seulgi shakes her head. “I wouldn't be able to if I tried. I could never.”

 

To hurt Joohyun, if it were to ever happen, she would never forgive herself. This much, she knows.  

 

“Why?” Seulgi asks further, wondering how Joohyun came to such a thought.

 

“Because I know I can hurt you, Seulgi.”

 

She answers in a tone as if it were absolute. Something bound to happen. Something that has always happened.

 

“Joohyun--”

 

“Whether I mean to or not, I know I will somehow.”

 

There’s defeat in her voice as she sinks in her seat, wallowing further in her thoughts, beginning to close herself off again. Locks and chains begin to reform but Seulgi reaches out.

 

“Why do you think that?”

 

Joohyun looks up, her eyes, deep stagnant pools of black as she wraps herself in darkness.

 

“Because it's who I am. I'm afraid of getting hurt more than I am of hurting you,” Joohyun confesses. “And it's messed up.”

 

Seulgi extends her arm across, her fingertips barely grazing the back of Joohyun’s hand that laid limp on the table.

 

“It's not messed up. It’s natural,” Seulgi assured. “People are always afraid of getting hurt. It’s fine, Joohyun.”

 

A small scowl starts to form on Joohyun’s face.

 

“You're too understanding.”

 

Was she expecting to be reprimanded? For Seulgi to be mad at her?

 

“And you're too hard on yourself,” Seulgi countered.

 

It’s a standstill and neither one gives way as their gazes keep hold. Seconds tick by and in the depths of quiet only their tiny breaths can be heard. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Until the silence becomes unbearable.

 

“Why are you like that?” she asked, perplexed.

 

“Like what?” Seulgi replies, confused as to what the elder was asking.

 

Then, there’s this light laughter, softer than clouds that rings in her ear. The scowl on Joohyun’s face now replaced with a childish grin.

 

“Nothing,” she says as she leans over the table, gently cupping Seulgi’s cheeks and placing a tender kiss upon her nose. In an instant, Seulgi’s whole body flares. “Forget about it.”

 

--

 

Joohyun is doing better now. She talks more, smiles often, laughs heartily like before but there are times where she forgets to take care of herself and starts to retreat within herself again. At those times, Seulgi does her best to pry Joohyun away and offer up any kind of distractions--whatever to make her happy. Even if the elder does not agree so eagerly.

 

“You need to take a break.”

 

“No, I don’t.”

 

Seulgi sighs in frustration, “Are you sure you’re not overdoing it? You’ve been studying nonstop. Have you even slept?”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

Her half-lidded eyes and the dark circles around them said otherwise. If one observed closely, they could see Joohyun’s eyes were glazed over as she read, blinking furiously every couple of seconds to refresh her focus.

 

It was absurd.

 

Finally having enough, Seulgi stood from her chair and swiftly grabbed Joohyun by the wrist, pulling her along before the latter realized what was going on.

 

“What the--Seulgi!”

 

“We’re taking a break.”

 

Throughout the entire walk Joohyun uselessly tried yanking herself out of Seulgi’s grasp. But, as if her hand were a pair of iron shackles latched onto Joohyun’s wrist, they remained locked to each other. Soon enough, the elder was panting from exerting such effort and let Seulgi drag her objection-free.

 

For now.

 

They arrived at the ice cream stand near the park. Their usual place.

 

“One vanilla in a cone and one red bean popsicle, right?” The man laughed in the midst of preparing their usual order. Seulgi nodded in response.

 

“Here you go.”

 

As he hands over their dessert, Seulgi gives him the appropriate amount of cash with one last smile, skillfully grabbing both the cone and popsicle in one hand before turning to face a very pouty Joohyun. She waves her hand near Joohyun’s face attempting to grab her attention with the pale red popsicle. Feigning reluctance, Joohyun snatches it from Seulgi and takes a but stubbornly continues to avoid Seulgi’s gaze.

 

“You can’t stay mad at me,” Seulgi laughs. “I got you ice cream.”

 

Immediately, she’s thrown an icy glare.

 

“Who said I even wanted ice cream?” Joohyun retorted.

 

The sharpness in her voice throws Seulgi off.

 

“I did.”

 

She attempts to remain cool, letting go of Joohyun’s wrist and putting her hand to her hip.

 

“And how do you know what I want?” Joohyun scoffs, her tone becoming more harsh and Seulgi could feel each word lashing at her.

 

“It’s what you needed. You were overexerting yourself.”

 

“I told you I was fine.”

 

“You were lying.”

 

Joohyun was seething.

 

“Even if I was, you can’t just force me to do something, Kang Seulgi!”

 

“So what? Am I just supposed to let you exhaust yourself? You were practically keeling over.”

 

“If that’s what I wanted, then yes!”

 

At that point, Seulgi’s blood was beginning to boil.

 

“Oh my god, Joohyun. Are you kidding me?! You’re neglecting yourself!”

 

“So what?!”

 

“What do you mean, ‘so what’?! I wasn’t going to let you do that!”

 

“Just let me be!”

 

And in the heat of the moment, Joohyun shoves Seulgi and the younger loses her balance, tumbling backwards down the hill of the park. Grass and dirt disperse into the air with each roll until she comes to halt with a thud. She winces from the impact, her vision swirling. The first thing that comes to mind is her vanilla ice cream. Disappointedly, the ice cream is gone despite her best efforts in holding onto the cone. She dumps it to the side and sighs, laying her head back on the grass.

 

In the distance she can hear a voice calling out to her as it comes closer and closer.

 

“Seulgi! Oh my god, Seulgi!”

 

In the blink of an eye, Joohyun is beside her, panting for air after she rushed down the hill. The look on her face full of panic and worry. Seulgi could hardly take it as her anger starts to melt away.

 

“You’re a lot stronger than you look,” Seulgi laughs.

 

There’s a breath of relief from Joohyun and her whole body sort of slumps as her shoulders sink.

 

“I… I’m sorry, Seulgi,” Joohyun apologizes, averting her eyes. “I didn’t mean to push you and I… I shouldn’t have said any of that.”

 

The quivering in her voice doesn’t go undetected. Seulgi sits up, leaning a bit closer, and she can see the elder biting into her bottom lip to stop her trembling.

 

She pokes her cheek and Joohyun hesitantly turns to see her wearing the biggest smile she’s ever seen.

 

“I love you. You know that, right?”

 

At that moment, Joohyun cracks a smile of her own.

 

“You always say that.”

 

“Because it’s true,” Seulgi responds.

 

A simple answer that Joohyun has yet to comprehend. Because as always, she’s skeptical and stubborn. And she must fight everything that was too good to be true as if there was an underlying trap waiting to sabotage her.

 

“You say it’s true now but love is only temporary, Seulgi,” She shifts her body to face her. “One day you won’t feel anything for me. One day, you won’t love me anymore,” Joohyun declares in a rough whisper as she points to the center of Seulgi’s collarbones, her nail slightly digging into skin.

 

Seulgi takes hold of her finger, encompassing that small warmth and reels Joohyun in just inches away, her breath caressing perfect porcelain cheeks. Delicate and beautiful.  She whispers--breathless,

 

“Want to bet on it?”

 

She feels a sudden force as Joohyun pushes her away for the second time today and she falls back onto the soft grass. Rarely did Joohyun blush so hard and as much as she tried to hide it, it didn’t go unnoticed. Seulgi laughs at the blazing heat that lit the older girl’s face.

 

Soon enough, Joohyun falls in place beside her giggling along, a sweet melody. And as seconds pass, all is forgotten as they lie there in the silence of each other’s company. Joohyun hooks their pinkies together and like children lost in a daydream, they stare up at the sky.

 

“You’re ridiculous.”

 

“I’m just being honest.“

 

They continued to lay in a blanket of quiet. The only disturbance was Joohyun’s soft voice as the words barely left parted lips,

 

“I know.”  

 

And she holds on tighter.

 

--

 

Seulgi lies on her bed wide awake, pillows thrown aside and sheets entangled around her. Streaks of distant moonlight peek through the blinds and kiss her cheeks, like a mother wishing her child sweet dreams but it failed to lull her to sleep.

 

Thoughts of a certain someone kept her awake. Constantly knocking at the back of her mind, whispering in her ear. She smiles as memories of the past few months play in her head like a movie reel.

 

Who would’ve thought that she’d fall so deep?

 

She snaps out of her trance as she hears her phone starting to ring. Carefully unravelling herself from the sheets she reaches for her night stand, picking up her phone. Immediately she smiles at the name displayed.

 

“Hey,” she greets and the night soon turns to morning.

 

--

 

Seulgi runs down the street with a slice of toast dangling from . She managed to oversleep again for the third time this week. Luckily, she’s always booked it to class, making it on time just seconds before the warning bell. She glances at her phone for the time. Today, she might not be so lucky.

 

But when she arrives at the school gate and there’s a huge crowd gathering in the courtyard, she pauses, confused. What was going on?

 

“Seulgi!”

 

“Wendy!” she calls out in response as she runs over to her best friend. “What’s going on?”

 

There’s a slight bit of panic in Wendy’s eyes as she stutters her words, “I-I don’t know. I t-think it’s a fight or something?”

 

A fight? Their school had a strict policy on violence. Who was idiotic enough to test it? Spectating could also get you in trouble but Seulgi had this inexplicable curiosity nudging at her, telling her to take a look. She grabs Wendy by the wrist, taking the lead.

 

“Come on.”

 

“S-Seulgi, what--”

 

“Just follow me.”

 

They push through the crowd, worming their way in closer. Everyone was dying to catch a glance, some male students were jumping on each other for a better look, some of the girls tried running towards the stairs for a higher point of view. Constant yelling and bickering, trying to figure out what was happening. Finally, they make it towards the center and Seulgi’s eyes widen as she recognizes who the boys were in the middle.

 

Joohyun’s friends.

 

The blonde boy with piercings was on the ground, his face in the dirt. And as he struggles to his feet, Seulgi could see his face was now decorated with a black eye and bruised lip with thick blood dripping down his chin.

 

The copper-skinned boy with dark hair stood a few feet before him as if to protect him. He had a huge gash across his cheek and tears brimmed his eyes as he yelled, pleading, “Stop! Please--”

 

A third boy, tall and muscular with chestnut hair, cracks his fist against the copper boy’s cheek and he goes plummeting to the ground. An outcry of pain pierces Seulgi’s ears.

 

“You f**king disgusting pieces of sh*t!” the third boy screams in rage.

 

Everyone watched, just gawking at the scene. Others cheered, telling him to take another strike. A few averted their eyes, devastated by the violence.

 

But no one made a move to stop it.

 

This wasn’t right.

 

“Wendy, go get help. Call one of the teachers over or something,” Seulgi instructs as she lets go of Wendy, moving forward.

 

“Seulgi, wait! What do you think you’re doing?!”

 

“Just go!” Seulgi yells and she pushes her way into the middle, diving into the fray.

 

The chestnut-haired boy dashes forward, aiming to kick one of the two boys but before he can strike Seulgi sprints with all she’s got and crashes into him, the impact knocking the wind out of her like hitting a wall and they both lose balance, falling onto the ground. A small cry leaves her lips when she feels a stray rock dig into her forearm upon impact.

 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” He coughs the dirt out of his mouth and rises to his feet.

 

Seulgi struggles to stand on her own but her legs wobble beneath her. She clenches her teeth, forcing herself to stay brave.

 

“That’s enough,” she declares through heavy breaths. “You need to stop.”

 

But he’s unfazed and angrier than before. Seulgi could feel a chill go down her spine, making her shiver in fear.

 

“How about you mind your own business and get out of my way,” he spits and he attempts to march past her but Seulgi sidesteps in his way, her arms out wide, blocking him off. Whether it was courage or stupidity that made her body move, Seulgi doesn’t know. But she stares up at him, her eyes defiant and unyielding.

 

“Stop,” is all she says and she can hear the two boys behind her groveling in pain.

 

“Move or I’ll make you move. These ing gays deserve every beating I’m giving them!”

 

Gays? For a moment, Seulgi is taken aback. That’s why this was happening?

 

“I thought we were ing friends and then I find out you guys are a bunch of ers! You freaking lied to me! You disgusting motherf*ckers--”

 

He lunges for them and with all her strength, Seulgi attempts to push him back again.

 

“Get out of my ing way!”

 

But instantly, she’s thrown to the ground, her shoulder colliding with solid concrete and the taste of iron creeps up the back of .

 

“Jonghyun! Kibum--Oh my god! Seulgi!”

 

That voice.

 

She looks up to see Joohyun emerge from the crowd and run toward her. The elder falls to her knees and immediately helps Seulgi sit up. As she scans her surroundings, her friends writhing pain, Seulgi on the ground, it all starts to sink in and there’s this indescribable glint her eyes, like panic and chaos colliding and she practically screams at the instigator.

 

“What the hell are you doing, Minho?!”

 

“Shut up, Joohyun!” He commands as he seizes the blonde boy by the collar so tightly that he begins to strangle him. His fist hangs in the air, knuckles white and trembling, waiting to take aim. The madness on his face was something else. “Piece of--”

 

“Enough!”

 

The coach of their soccer team detains Minho, throwing him to the ground with his arms pinned behind his back. Following him was the chairman of their school with Wendy by his side. His face was stern but there was evident disapproval and revulsion in his eyes.

 

“Everyone, get to class. Now.”

 

At once, the crowd dissipates and as Joohyun helps Seulgi to her feet she can hear Minho shouting amidst the commotion.

 

“Those a**holes deserved it! Those f*gs lied to me! I thought we were friends but all this time they were just pretending--motherf*ckers!”

 

Seulgi stares back at him as Joohyun leads her away. The elder’s grip tenses upon every word until finally they enter the school building and can no longer hear him.

 

In an empty hallway, in the far off corner, they stop. Seulgi stares at the back of Joohyun’s head, puzzled, but before she can ask anything Joohyun spins around, visibly irate.

 

“What were you thinking?! Why were you out there?!”

 

Seulgi’s startled by the sudden outlash.

 

“Those were your friends, right?” And for a second, there’s a look of surprise on the elder’s face. “No one was doing anything to help them. Someone had to stop it.”

 

Joohyun grabs her by the shoulders.

 

“That someone didn’t have to be you!”

 

Confused, Seulgi holds onto Joohyun’s wrist in an attempt to calm her. Only then does she realize that the girl was cold and trembling.

 

“Joohyun.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Small arms wrap around Seulgi’s back. Fragile shaking fingers clench the back of her shirt as Joohyun buries her head at the crook of Seulgi’s neck.

 

“Don’t do anything like that ever again,” Her voice cracks and Seulgi can feel her uneven breaths being drawn in and out. “I don’t care if anyone else got hurt as long as it’s not you.”

 

And Seulgi holds her in return, so gently, as if she were about to break.

 

“I know it’s selfish,” Joohyun continues, ”but promise me. Please.”

 

“I promise.”

 

--

 

The next few days all anyone could talk about was the fight. How insane Minho was to go into such a frenzy. How Jonghyun and Kibum were beaten black and blue so barbarically. No one did anything to help the situation. Everyone was just a spectator and here they were talking about it as if it was something off reality tv. As if it didn’t happen before their eyes. Like there was no way they could have prevented it from escalating further.

 

It made Seulgi’s gut wrench in all sorts of ways. Especially when she hears what people now say about Jonghyun and Kibum. They slander their names. They talk behind their backs. Cursing them, calling them abnormal. Saying they’re not “right”. But not everyone is so cruel. Most are accepting, but the few who spit venomous words and wish nothing but harm upon them--their hatred runs deep. And it makes Seulgi bite her tongue in fear that she might say something she can never take back. That she might say something that would hurt her and Joohyun in the end.

 

The past few days have also hit Joohyun hard. She knew about Jonghyun and Kibum’s relationship, she supported it. They’d been together for about a year now and couldn’t have been happier. But they had been a secret and it was only a matter of time before someone found out and it just had to be Minho.

 

According to Joohyun, the three boys had been friends since elementary school. Unfortunately, Minho was severely against any sort of homouality. So Jonghyun and Kibum hid things from him but in the end when all was revealed their relationship felt like betrayal to Minho and he snapped.   

 

For everything to just fall apart so easily for the three of them. It was nothing less than sad. And they weren’t the only ones affected.

 

Now, when Seulgi looks at Joohyun she could see the loneliness in her eyes and the melancholy in her smile. Seulgi tried her best to cheer her up. Taking her to the movies, buying her ice cream, reading her books, but nothing changed. Joohyun would give her that same small grin, as if to say thanks for trying, and then place a tender kiss upon her nose before intertwining their fingers and asking to lay upon Seulgi’s shoulder for a while. And all Seulgi could do was say yes as she kissed the crown of Joohyun’s head.

 

Then one day, the elder requests they meet at the rooftop after school. Seulgi opens the door, revealing bright blue skies and a warm breeze passes through her. There she sees Joohyun standing in the distance, hair flowing like ribbons in the wind, hands pressed against the chain fence as though it were the only thing holding her up.

 

“When we first met, what did you think of me?” Joohyun asked aloud as she looked out past the school grounds and into their small town.

 

“I thought you were beautiful,” Seulgi answered, making her way closer. “I was surprised.”

 

“And now?”

 

She stops midway, a few feet from where Joohyun stood. Nervous to get too close. For what reason, she doesn’t know why. Only that her heart is beating erratically and though the weather is warm and the breeze is comforting, her body is turning cold.

 

“You’re even more beautiful than before.”

 

From the way her shoulders shifted, Seulgi knew a small smile had creeped up Joohyun’s lips.

 

“You sweet talk a lot, you know that?” she sighs as she turns around to face Seulgi.

 

The look in her eyes, Seulgi can see the ruins within her, everything collapsing in--starting to fall apart. A sense of terror overtakes Seulgi and her body stiffens.

 

Soon, it would be gone. It would all be gone.

 

Seulgi braced herself, hoping she would be wrong.  

 

“When I first met you, Kang Seulgi, I thought you were cute. Nice. Pretty funny, too,” Joohyun laughs just a bit from the memory. “Some of the things you would say and do though, I couldn’t believe them. Were you genuine or just playing me? Should I believe you or were they all sweet nothings?”

 

She shakes her head.

 

“Then I learned, that’s just you being you. Honest to a fault.”

 

Her voice is bittersweet and Seulgi could feel it like a punch to her gut.

 

“Being with you these past few months made me really happy, Seulgi.”

 

Seulgi attempts to smile but her breath hitches in and the words clumsily tumbled out,

 

“Me too.”

 

And for a few seconds everything freezes over as if time itself has stopped. Seulgi could hear the sound of her own heart beating. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Fast, nervous, scared. She wanted to close her eyes. She wanted this to be a dream. But she’s deadlocked into Joohyun’s gaze, afraid to be torn away even if she might be torn apart.

 

“But we can’t be together like this anymore. Let’s stop.”

 

There it is and everything starts cascading down.

 

“Stop?” Seulgi utters. “I don’t understand--why?”

 

The tips of her fingers are icy cold. She clenches her fist, trying to feel.

 

“You saw what happened,” Joohyun starts closing the distance between them. “If the wrong people were to find out about us, the same thing could happen. If you were to get hurt--”

 

“I don’t care. I can take it.”

 

“But I don’t want you to just take it!” Joohyun yells, desperation in her voice.

 

And suddenly, it’s difficult for Seulgi to be there standing face to face with her. So close, just inches apart, and yet Joohyun has never felt so distant. Her heart sinks little by little.

 

“I don’t want you to get hurt, Seulgi. If anything were to happen to you because of me…”

 

Joohyun’s voice trails off. A thought unfinished but Seulgi didn’t need to hear the rest. This was Joohyun. She knew. It’s about what happened to Jonghyun and Key.

 

“We have to stop. It’s better this way,” Joohyun declared on a wavering breath.

 

What would happen now? No more blueberry pancakes for breakfast together. No more lounging on Joohyun’s favorite couch tangled up in each other. No more of listening to her favorite poems, hearing her voice bring life and emotion to simple words. No more being scolded by her, laughed at by her, holding her--too many “no more’s” to count.

 

But the biggest one of all: no more of being together--no more secret.

 

And already, Seulgi feels empty. A husk left behind.

 

“Is this what you really want? Is it?” Seulgi weakly asked. “Tell me.”

 

Nothing is said and it’s the silence that kills her. Why can’t Joohyun just say it? Say that she really wants them to be over. Say that they’re no longer together. Say she doesn’t want Seulgi anymore.

 

Don’t keep quiet.

 

“I love you. You know that, right?” Seulgi confesses one last time as she tries to put on a smile.

 

Joohyun stands on her toes and cradles Seulgi’s face as if she were the most precious thing in the world then faintly kisses the tip of Seulgi’s nose, “I know and that’s why I have to let you go.”

 

--

 

What was familiar is now gone. What was routine is now over. And it leaves her lost and in a daze. She sits at home alone, resting her head on the table and drumming her fingers along the wood. She lies awake in the middle of the night staring at the ceiling, waiting to fall asleep. And her days were nothing more than that.

 

It was amazing how dull life became from the absence of just one person. And it was even more astonishing at how much it hurt--how much it made her wrench and ache.

 

She doesn’t see Joohyun anymore. She doesn’t talk to Joohyun. She can barely write up a text to send. Seulgi types hello, how are you, what are you doing, but in the end deletes it all.  Her finger hesitates to press the call button then she locks her phone and tosses it to the side. How could she say what she could barely write. What was there to even say?

 

I miss you.

 

It only hurt to think of her. It hurt even more to see her.

 

There were times when Seulgi went out of her way, veering from her usual path to class in an effort to run into Joohyun. Just to catch a glimpse. Maybe start a conversation. If only for a second. Yet, when their eyes meet it feels as if they were strangers and Seulgi’s voice disappears.  Joohyun walks on, smiling and chatting with her friends like everything was fine. She was too good of an actress and it crushed Seulgi.

 

So Seulgi locks herself in her room feeling alone, tired, empty and lifeless. She should have said something. They shouldn’t have ended just like that. Seulgi should have fought.

 

But she's a coward, she knows.

 

What were they before?

 

A secret.

 

But at least they were a secret together.

 

What were they now?

 

“Nothing,” she says out loud as she wraps herself within her bed sheets.

 

Saying it, hearing it--made it real and it finally starts to sink in, settling at the pit of her stomach. She curls up, clutching her chest, wishing she could stop her heart from feeling any longer.  

 

--

 

Weeks passed and Seulgi’s learned how to get by. She’s hanging out with her friends more, especially Wendy. On occasions, she’ll take a walk around town, maybe stop by the park and draw for a bit. There were a couple of new shows she’s started and they were surprisingly good. As for school, much to the surprise of all her teachers, she was doing better. Her grade average was higher and her rate of assignment turn-in definitely improved. Not everything was late like it used to be.

 

She kept herself busy. Anything to keep her mind off of Joohyun. Because even now, just a side glance in the hallway is enough to trigger a dull ache in her chest. There was a day after school when Joohyun was getting ready for tutoring and Seulgi happened to bump into her when meeting up with Wendy. It was awkward and clumsy but Joohyun uttered a small, “Hey.”

 

A tiny smile tugging at her lips. The look in her eyes--there was so much hidden there, so many things unsaid. Instantly, a wave of memories and feelings wash over Seulgi, hitting her straight in the gut. She bites the side of her tongue to keep herself in check.

 

She struggles to say, “H-Hey, Joohyun. I… uh...”

 

But as soon as the words leave her lips she can’t stop them from quivering. Any longer and she’ll break down. And so she ducks her head as she quickly dashes by Joohyun, with a breathless whisper, “I have to go.”

 

“Seulgi, wait!” Joohyun calls.

 

How badly she wanted to stop. To stay. To hope. But Seulgi didn’t dare look back.

 

That was the last time she said anything to Joohyun in the days that followed.

 

--

 

Wendy sits in the middle of her room on the floor biting at the end of her pencil. Seulgi is opposite of her, unusually quiet. The shorter notices and takes careful aim, throwing a wad of used up paper directly at the center of Seulgi’s brow. The latter flinches.

 

“What was that for?” Seulgi blurts, confused.

 

“You were zoning out. Are you okay?” Wendy asks, concerned as always. It was a frequent question these past few weeks.

 

“I’m fine for the most part,” Seulgi smiles.

 

Wendy grins back at her and they return to studying. And Seulgi thinks to herself that perhaps this was a good time as any.

 

“So,” she begins, “my dad got a promotion.”

 

Wendy stops writing in her notes and drops her pencil, “That’s great! Your dad’s been working really hard the past year with that new project, right? Looks like he’s finally gotten the recognition he deserves.”

 

Seulgi nods in agreement.

 

“Yeah, he’s really happy about it,” she adds but her voice failed to match any enthusiasm Wendy had. Her best friend looks at her worriedly, the space between her brows wrinkling as she inches closer toward her, placing a hand on top of her own.

 

“What? Is there something wrong?”

 

Seulgi takes a deep breath.

 

“We have to relocate to Japan. We’re moving in two weeks.”

 

“Two weeks?! That’s too soon,” Wendy exclaims in shock. She grabs Seulgi’s hand, squeezing it tight. “We’ll barely have time to do anything. What about a going-away party or--”

 

“You know I don’t like any of that stuff,” Seulgi cut her off, shaking her head. “I didn’t want to tell anyone but you are my best friend, after all.”

 

Wendy pouts her lips and she brings their clasped hands to her chest, rubbing circles along the back of Seulgi’s hand.

 

“That’s right and even if we’re miles apart, I’ll find some way to pester you,” she proclaims, her voice sounding somewhat sentimental and it starts to affect Seulgi as a wave of nostalgia hits her. They’d been friends for so long. Always around each other. Always there for each other. To not have Wendy by her side anymore was something she couldn’t imagine. “Distance doesn’t mean a thing, Kkangseul. You’ll always be my one and only bear.”

 

“And you’re my number one smurf,” Seulgi laughed softly.

 

Then, Wendy bites her lip as she hesitates to ask,”What about Joohyun? When are you going to tell her?”

 

The inevitable question. Nothing ever got past Wendy, did it? Seulgi releases a deep sigh.

 

Joohyun. How would she even tell her? They don’t talk anymore. Would it matter? Maybe. Or perhaps that was just wishful thinking.

 

She was undoubtedly conflicted but the decision was made.

 

“I’m not going to.”

 

Already, she can hear the opposition in Wendy’s voice, “Kang Seulgi--”

 

“No. It’ll hurt less to tell her,” Seulgi reasons. “She’s fine and she’ll continue to be fine. It’s better this way. For both of us.”

 

The words came out flat and emotionless as if they were lines off a script, forced to be read. Statements that Seulgi tried to convince herself with over and over again. Yet, every syllable still stung her no matter how much time has passed and how many times she’s repeated it to herself.

 

“Do you really believe that?”

 

Seulgi tries again, biting the inside of her cheek.

 

“Yes.”

 

And Wendy gives her the saddest smile, the kind that made you swallow back tears.

 

“You say that but the death grip you have on my hand and the look on your face are telling a different story. You’ve always been a terrible liar, you know that?”

 

She was such a coward.    

 

“I know.”

 

--

 

Her whole life she’s lived here. It was a small town out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by mountains and trees. No city hustle and bustle, skyscrapers, or flashing lights. Just a quiet town out in the countryside.

 

Her first words, her first school, her first friends, her first time riding a bike--all of her firsts were here. This was home and she was leaving it all behind now.

 

There were too many farewells to say and so she skipped them all. When people find out maybe they’ll be mad but her leaving was nothing to cry about. She didn’t want that.   

 

“All aboard!”

 

Seulgi grabs her bags and gets on the train, making her way to their designated cart.

 

“I’m sure you’re going to love Japan, honey,” her mom exclaims full of cheer.

 

“It’s going to be a good change of pace for all of us,” her dad assured. “More opportunities.”

 

Seulgi simply nods her head with a faint smile. She claims the seat across her parents and takes one long last look out the window, embedding every detail, every memory, and everyone she knew in her mind.

 

Never forget how precious this all was.

 

Because who knows when she’ll ever come back or if she would even want to later on?  

 

Who knows.

 

The steam engine whistles and Seulgi could hear the loud chugging as the train was beginning to depart. This was it. She rests her head against the window, ready to close her eyes and rest but a familiar face in the crowd catches her attention.

 

But it couldn’t be.

 

There was absolutely no way.

 

Unknowingly, she stands from her seat and begins to walk to the next cart. She keeps her eyes focused outside the window. And her face becomes clearer and clearer.

 

Joohyun.

 

“Seulgi! Where are you going?!” her mother cries out.

 

She breaks into a sprint, weaving past everyone and slamming the doors open to the next cart until she’s at the last, leaning against the guardrail trying to catch her breath. Joohyun runs towards her, trying to catch up. But the train is too fast. She’ll never make it. She stops at the edge of the platform gasping for air.

 

They could only look at each other. And Seulgi swears she sees Joohyun’s eyes b with tears. The elder then raises a hand, waving a quiet goodbye as she presses her other hand against when her shoulders begin to shake violently.

 

Seulgi tries to call out but her voice fails her at the most crucial time and instead small whimpers escaped her. Before she realizes it, tears are streaming down her cheeks and she waves back. The only farewell she could give. What more could she do?

 

Joohyun.

 

She wanted to call out her name. She wanted to say she was sorry.

 

Joohyun.

 

She wanted to say ‘I love you’ one last time.

 

Joohyun.

 

At the very least, she wanted to say a proper goodbye.

 

But that opportunity--all of those chances--were now gone.

 

She swears she hears the most feeble voice call out to her, “Seulgi!”

 

But it’s too late. The distance is already too great and Seulgi could barely utter her name.

 

And when everything’s finally out of view, when she can no longer make out Joohyun’s fragile form, she falls apart, cradling her knees as she cries every bit of sadness and hurt she’s been hiding. It all comes crashing down like a waterfall and she drowns in it, wallowing in her sorrows.

 

How did she let something so precious slip away from her?

 

She should have fought. She should have tried harder. She should have held on.

 

--

 

Seulgi stands in awe as she exits the train station. The moisture in the air cools her cheeks and on her tongue she could practically taste the rain that had yet to fall. She takes a good look at her surroundings, the cracks in the pavement, the decrepit fences, the trees and flower bushes--everything was just as she remembered.

 

A wave of nostalgia hits her and feeds her curiosity as she starts to run down the sidewalks gawking at her hometown.

 

She smiles.

 

She was back.

 

Five years hardly meant a thing when time barely moved here.   

 

Her pace slows down to a walk as she arrives at the corner of the street looking down the row of aged houses with paint peeling off the wood and roof tiles missing along the top. Gutters filled with debris, overgrown lawns, and rusted old mailboxes. The only thing different was how old everything seemed to be compared to her memory.

 

Slowly, she walks down the street, twisting and turning, glancing about until she comes across a very familiar pale yellow house with one of the only decent looking lawns in the neighborhood accompanied with a few bunny garden ornaments sitting in the front. She unlatches the gated fence with a loud creak and stops for a moment just staring at the steps of the front porch.

 

Joohyun’s house.

 

She can’t remember the last time she’s been here. It felt like ages ago. Like a dream wrapped up in smoke. Hazy and fleeting but always lingering.

 

Seulgi could feel her nerves getting to her as her heart rate increased and she could feel the pulsing in her ears. The blood pumping through her. And the breaths shaking out of her.

 

She was scared.

 

Would Joohyun want to see her right now? What would Joohyun say? What would Seulgi say? Where would she even start?

 

How are you?

 

I’m sorry.

 

I missed you.

 

I…

 

She inhales deeply and exhales, gathering her courage. No more being idle and fearful with hypotheticals, questioning what if or what would happen. She’s finally here. She’s made it this far and it was time to take initiative. Now, was the time because there might not be another chance.

 

Seulgi takes a step forward.

 

--

 

Texts, phone calls, emails, handwritten letters--Seulgi’s tried everything. But all of her efforts are unanswered. Messages sent with  no reply. Calls sent to voicemail. For weeks, she persisted.

 

Joohyun’s crying face flashes in her mind. She shouldn’t have just left without saying anything.

 

One, if just one of them could get through, then maybe all of this regret hammering at the back of her mind would ease up and let her move on.

 

But the world is not so kind and for her first months in Japan, Seulgi obsessively tries and tries until she’s hit her limit and fatigue renders her weak and weary in the corner of her room. Exhausted, drained, and jaded. She grits her teeth as she stares at her phone, eventually turning it off and setting it to the side.

 

She’s done all she could.

 

It was over. It was time to give up.

 

Ever since then, the bitter taste of regret always lingered at the back of . A constant reminder.

 

--

 

Time is always fleeting and in the blink of an eye, five years have already gone by.

 

Seulgi walked down the streets of Tokyo, grocery bags in hand as she bobs her head to the music playing through her earbuds. She just finished off some work about an hour ago, submitting some artwork to her boss for evaluation. She was an uprising concept artist, fresh to the industry.

 

Truthfully, art was never something she considered pursuing as a career back then but it was the number one thing she was confident in. Ultimately, it was a little push from Wendy that finally convinced her that if there was anything she wanted to do for the rest of her life, it was to art.

 

When her mother and father told her that moving to Japan would be a good opportunity for her, she didn’t believe it. Not at first. It’s what people always said when they were leaving some place old for some place new. But after settling in and hitting her stride, something just clicked for her. From then on, it was only uphill.

 

She finished high school with decent grades, graduated college, found a job, and got herself an apartment right in the heart of Tokyo.

 

Life was going pretty swell.

 

Seulgi fishes for her keys deep within her coat pocket and proceeds to unlocking the door to her apartment, all without dropping her bags. After setting the groceries in the kitchen, she goes down the stairs and out to the mailboxes. It’s been a few days since she’s checked, though she hardly needs to since all of her bills were electronic. But there was the occasional letter every once in awhile and when  she opens the tiny metal door, it seemed to be one of those days.

 

A single piece of mail.

 

Seulgi eyeballs the strange envelope as she carefully turns it about. It was dark purple with a floral print design along the edges and carried the strange scent of vanilla and ink. It was peculiar, mysterious, and yet, oddly familiar.

 

She flips it around to look at the return address and when she sees that name written in beautiful cursive by the most delicate hand she knows, her heart starts to race.

 

--

 

She sits at her dining room table, her chin resting upon her folded arms as she stares at the opened envelope and folded yellow pages before her. She must have read it a hundred times already. Days have passed since she got it and even now, she has no idea what to do. Honestly, it was surreal.

 

Feelings she thought had been forgotten and the fire that supposedly burnt out were never really gone. Because deep within Seulgi’s chest as she read the first words written by her hand, Seulgi could feel her heart swell with a heat she’s long since missed. How foolish she was to believe that something like this could fade so easily.

 

Everything comes rushing back to her, flooding her being.

 

Seulgi remembers her voice, sweet like milk and honey. Her caresses gentle and tantalizing, leaving a trail of goosebumps along her skin. The warmth she emanated so comforting it soothed her. And her smile… her smile was everything.

 

It’s all so overwhelming and Seulgi remains static, biting her lip, wrinkling the center of her brows, conflicted with herself.

 

What should she do?

 

She should just stay here, right? Just continue to move on. It was evident that the letter was a farewell long past due.

 

With this, it was finally done.

 

So then why does Seulgi want to bolt out the door and find her? Talk to her. Hold her. And say everything that was left unsaid between them because just words on a piece of paper wasn’t enough. Not even close.

 

She lays her head on the table.

 

What should I do?

 

This always happened. At times when it mattered the most, do or die, she falls into the shadows hiding like a coward. Never fighting. Never holding on. Just letting it all flow past her as if it were inevitable and she didn’t have a chance.

 

Wendy’s words echo in the back of her mind.

 

Remember back then? You didn’t want to tell Joohyun you were leaving so I told her instead. You’ve always regretted it.

 

Seulgi rises from her chair.

 

This time, learn from your mistake and listen to me. If after all this time, you still feel for her, then go. What have you got to lose?

 

“I’m going.”

 

--

 

Knock, knock.

 

No answer. She tries again.

 

Knock, knock.

 

Seulgi her head to the side, maybe she was out? She tries to peek through the sidelite, looking for any sign of life inside but the window hasn’t been cleaned in ages. Foggy and murky, she could barely see a thing. Joohyun never really did pay attention to cleaning anything outside her own room.

 

Maybe she was out? The shopping district was just minutes away, whatever errands Joohyun had to run wouldn’t take too long. Seulgi turns around and plants herself at the steps of the porch. She would wait. Waiting a little longer was no big deal.

 

She breathes into the palms of her hands and rubs them together for heat.

 

In her mind, she thinks of what to say, how would she greet Joohyun? Shake hands? A hug? Or just a hello? And then she wonders if the Joohyun from her memories has changed at all. If one thing’s for sure, Seulgi was certain she would be more beautiful. It was Joohyun, after all.

 

“Hello, excuse me!”

 

A frail elderly voice calls out to her. Seulgi cranes her neck to the source over the fence to her left, an old lady who lived next door. She was dressed to leave it seems.

 

“Hello,” Seulgi replies as she stands, giving a quick bow.

 

“Are you looking for someone?” she asks, pointing at Joohyun’s front door.

 

Seulgi nods, “Yes. It looks like they’re out right now so I’m just waiting for them to come back.”

 

The lady’s small smile drops and she puts a hand to her cheek looking deeply apologetic.

 

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry to tell you this but girl who used to live there just moved recently. She doesn’t live here anymore.”

 

Everything in her mind comes to a screeching halt and as if the wind were knocked out of her, she gasps, “What?”

 

“She moved out about two weeks ago or so. Unfortunately, I’m not sure where she went."

 

Seulgi couldn't believe it. Was this her punishment for her indecisiveness? For being too slow?

 

Late again.

 

She couldn't believe it.

 

A drop of water touches the elderly woman’s crown and she gazes up into the sky, her hand feeling the air for anymore droplets. Within seconds, light rain starts to shower down and she opens the umbrella that was ready in her hand.

 

“Better get home soon, dear,” warns the woman. “Don’t waste your time waiting. It’s already started to rain.”  

 

Before long, the woman is gone and Seulgi still stands motionless at Joohyun’s porch, dumbfounded. She flew all the way from Japan. Took the train from Seoul to here. It was a risk, she knew. But she never imagined it wouldn’t pay off. Somehow, in her mind and in her gut, she thought this was it. That this was her last chance and she would see Joohyun, tell her everything she needed to say and there would be no regrets. Instead, the world curses her and it’s all for naught. This, was this all for nothing?

 

She sits back down on the steps of the porch.

 

How could this be?

 

At the bottom of her coat pocket, she digs, pulling out worn and wrinkled parchment. It’d been folded over so many times it was beginning to feel like tissue. Thin and soft, so easy to tear to pieces. She unravels the pages and the sight of such familiar penmanship stirs a dull ache in her chest.

 

The last words Joohyun had given her. The last things she had to say now that Seulgi could no longer find her. She reads them again.

 

Dear Kang Seulgi,

 

    How have you been?

    Do you remember

 

I started this letter thinking I was finally ready to write to you, that I had everything sorted out. But I’ve been staring at this paper for hours, scribbling, wondering where to even begin. There’s so much to say and it’s hard for me to put it into words. It’s already difficult enough to sort out my thoughts. So forgive me if I write aimlessly. I just… I just want to get everything out.

 

How long has it been? Five years now, hasn’t it? Whether that’s a long or short time, I’m not sure how to answer that. It’s been ages since I’ve seen your face or even heard your voice. But at the same time, I can remember it all like it was yesterday as if you were beside me right now.     

 

Love is only temporary....

 

    Do you remember when I said this to you?

 

    You were always so transparent. Always saying how you felt and showing it through your actions. Rarely did you lie or ever try to. You were terrible at it anyway. Everything you did was sincere and at first, I just couldn’t believe that someone like you existed. Much less, that someone as incredible as you would fall for me.

 

You showered me with heartfelt words and kind gestures. You tried to understand me when no one else would. And you stayed by my side even when I was all alone. You gave me so much and all I did was take. Yet, you never complained and kept on giving. I wondered what I did to deserve someone like you, The answer was: Nothing.

 

So like the idiot I’ve always been, I ruined everything. I wrecked it all for both of us, convincing myself that this was best. It wasn’t just because of what happened to Jonghyun and Key. I wanted to protect you. I didn’t want you to get hurt like they did. But I was also scared. Scared of what might happen to us in the future.

 

Scared of getting hurt.

 

Scared of not being good enough for you.

 

Scared of you leaving me.  

 

So I ended us because ultimately, I was undeserving of you…and you needed someone better.

 

I thought it would be easy to do. To pretend we were nothing and to just move on without each other. But everyday, I tried so hard to avoid you. I stopped myself from calling you. From finding you after school. From even asking Wendy for help just to talk to you. That time in the hallway when I called out your name and you walked past me without looking back, I never thought it would hurt so much. But it was my fault, after all.

 

I’m sorry.

 

Then one day, out of nowhere, Wendy ran up to me at my locker in the morning, yanking on my arm, saying there was something important she had to tell me. Did you know that? I’m sure Wendy admitted it to you later on but she told me you were leaving on the morning train in the next hour.

 

She wasn’t supposed to tell me but she thought you were going to give up and say it to me yourself. But you didn’t.

 

Japan. You were moving to Japan. It might as well have been on the other side of the world.

 

I felt my whole body go cold and my legs go weak. I can recall it so vividly--how helpless I felt. The thought of never seeing you again, I realized, frightened me more than anything. Before I knew it, I was already running out of the building and past the school gates. I ran as fast as I could. As fast as I possibly could. But when I got there it was already too late. I stood at the edge of that platform trying to scream your name but my voice kept cracking and I started to cry. I cried so much. Then, you were gone.

 

I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong.

 

All the times you called, all the texts you sent, and the letters you wrote… I just couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t bother calling back or looking at the texts you sent. I kept your letters but I never read them. Because I knew that just one word from you would be enough to make me fall apart.

 

I was a coward.

I’ve always been a coward.  

 

I was the one who unraveled us. I really didn’t deserve you but I still wanted you back. I should have fought. I should have proved myself worthy but instead I forced myself to try and forget about the past five years.

    

    Yet, over the course of time I always remembered you in the oddest moments. I would see Pringles at the market and wonder if they were still your favorite snack. I’d see a painter in the park working on his canvas and think back to the times I watched you draw. Did you improve? Did you take up a career in art? You were quite good. Amazing, in fact. I’m still wondering if you’d draw me one day. That is, if you still remember my face or if you even want to.

 

    Do you still crack your knuckles from time to time? You should stop that habit.

 

    Are you still as messy as always? I’m not there to clean up after you.

 

    Have you learned how to cook? You should at least be able to make blueberry pancakes the way I taught you.

 

    Do you still stumble on your words when you’re nervous?

Does anyone tease you the same way I did when you did that?

    

    But most importantly, are you still the Kang Seulgi I remember? Or have you grown up into someone even more incredible? Surely, it’s the latter, isn’t it? Every day, I had so many questions. I would always think of you and wonder how much you’ve changed.

    

    But I think no matter what, Kang Seulgi is Kang Seulgi and so there’s nothing for me to worry about.

 

    Isn’t that right?

 

Now, five years later, I finally muster up the courage to write to you with just one last thing I need to say. I only wish it could’ve been in person.

 

    Love is only temporary…

 

I said this to you a long time ago. I believed in it or I at least forced myself to. Because believing in anything more optimistic would only result in pain. But you thought otherwise. And over the course of these five years, I’ve come to realize that although it may not last forever, love is truly unforgettable. And in that sense, it is everlasting. You taught me that. You were right. So, thank you for loving me the way you did.

 

Thank you so much...

 

And I never said it and I wish I had…but I loved you, did you know that?

 

I loved you, Kang Seulgi, and I only wish you happiness in the future.

 

-Bae Joohyun

 

Her hands begin to quiver and she grasps the edges of the letter harder as if it were her lifeline. After everything that’s been said and done, she finally knew it. Even after reading it for the umpteenth time, those last two sentences always made her crumble.

 

She shouldn’t have waited so long to come here.

 

Seulgi hangs her head between her knees. The fresh earthy smell of downpouring rain and the sound of cars treading through puddles was all there was. It starts to rain harder and Seulgi could feel the heavy droplets splashing against her shoes as they hit the pavement, soaking her toes.

 

Drip drop drip drop.

 

That was it. It was over.

 

She folds the worn out parchment into the palm of her hand. She sighs, her breath creating a small cloud that soon dissipates into the air and she feels like crying but her tears are all worn out. It was a good thing it was raining. Let someone else cry for her because she was tired of it.

 

Common sense tells her it’s time to move on. This time for real.

 

But Seulgi bites her lip and shakes her head because honestly, it’s not possible. Five years have proven that.

 

It may not be now. It may not happen months later. It might even take years or it could take forever. Nothing was certain. Only that in pit of her gut and the deep confines of her heart, she was never able to let Joohyun go and she didn’t want to.

 

One day she’ll find her. One day. Wherever she may be. Seulgi would find Joohyun eventually.

 

For now, she would just have to believe in that. For now, it was time to go back home.

 

But first, maybe she would rest on these steps a little longer and let the sky cry all her sorrows away. Just for today. And so she stays, closing her eyes, listening to the comforting sound of heavy rainfall.

 

“Kang Seulgi?”

 

A familiar voice in the distance. Her mind playing tricks on her.

 

“Kang Seulgi?”

 

It’s closer and it almost sounds real.

 

“Kang Seulgi, is that you?”

 

The voice is so cut and clear--her imagination is so vivid, Seulgi stirs and opens her eyes. It couldn’t be. Her jaw drops and her heart skips a beat. She prays this isn’t some kind of hallucination.

 

Bae Joohyun.

 

“J-Joohyun,” she stammers, whether this was an illusion or not, those big round eyes, that childlike smile--she could never mistaken it. “W-What are--the lady next door s-said you moved.”

 

Seulgi quickly rises to her feet. She had the urge to reach out and touch her, see if Joohyun would disappear into thin air but was too reluctant. If this was a trick, she wanted to savor it, even for just a little while.

 

“Actually, I’m still in the process of moving. I still have a few boxes in the house,” Joohyun giggles and it makes Seulgi’s heart flutter the same as it always did. Her laughter was so precious. Seulgi never forgot that. “I got a new apartment in the city.”

 

Joohyun wasn’t any taller but she was more mature. Her hair was longer and the way she dressed was more sophisticated. If anything, she was more beautiful than Seulgi remembered.

 

“T-That’s great.”

 

“Surprised?” Joohyun her head to the side, giving her a playful smile. “You were never good at hiding your expressions.”

 

It’d been ages since they spoke but within ten seconds it felt like no time had passed. Like they had always been this close and no rifts had ever existed. How easy it was to just fall into place with one another.

 

“I thought I was too late,” is all Seulgi says and Joohyun glances at her tightening fist, catching a glimpse of familiar yellow parchment.

 

“My letter,” it comes out as a whisper. “You have it.”

 

And there’s this bittersweet smile that replaces her previous one, a brief flash of hurt and regret across her face. Seulgi stares at her in silence, wondering what she should say. But Joohyun quickly regains herself and when she looks directly into Seulgi’s eyes, there’s a spark rekindled.

 

“Hey, let’s catch up back at my apartment,” Joohyun suggests as she points to her car parked out front. “We can talk over some breakfast. I still make the best blueberry pancakes.”

 

Seulgi blinks, dumbfounded and stunned, her heart racing.

 

“Breakfast? It’s already evening?’

 

Joohyun moves closer and latches onto her arm, entangling them. It’s a familiar warmth, one that Seulgi has long missed. Her breath hitches.

 

“It’s never too late for breakfast,” she gazes up at Seulgi and pokes her on the nose. “And it’s never too late for second chances, don’t you think?”

 

Seulgi could only smile at that. For the first time, in a long time, she was beaming.

 

“Breakfast sounds great.”

 

 

--

a/n: hi guys~ i know, this took me forever to write OTL sorry about that. i've been busy with work lately and some family and friends stuff but i was finally able to finish this! so hurray! sorry for any errors and hopefully, you enjoyed reading this story even the slightest bit. if not, i apologize but thanks so much to everyone who took the time to check it out.

just a little note. i mentioned in the first part that a favorite song of mine that i recently listened to again at the time inspired this story. that song is "Remembering Sunday" by All Time Low if anyone is interested. when you listen to it you can probably tell how the inspiration was drawn. i was originally going to have this end with Seulgi reading over the letter one last time and then returning home and that would be it. but i felt so bad i just couldn't go through with it lol. which is why there's that huge gap of space where Seulgi decides it's time to go back home and when Joohyun shows up.the ending could have gone either way but my original ending left too much of a bitter taste in my mouth that i couldn't leave it like that. i wonder if any of you would have preferred that original ending compared to this one? i have a taste for angst when reading so i'm going to guess that a few of those readers who are similar to me would have been okay with the other ending. 

now that this is done, i will be working on my final update for Smoke and Peppermint. To those who read it, I hope you can wait a little bit longer please~ i'll try my best to finish it asap. thanks everybody! lastly, i hope you're all anticipating red velvet's comeback! let's be sure to give them all of our love and support when the time comes! fighting!