Jinyoung knew Im Jaebum because they took the same literature class during freshman year. Jaebum was rather tall and devastatingly handsome, even though he was surrounded by a strong aura of intimidation. Since the very first time Jinyoung saw him, he had predicted that Jaebum was a cold, arrogant person; choosing to be on his own when the whole class was introducing themselves and trying to get closer to each other.

It turned out that Jinyoung was right. Two weeks into school and Jaebum’s behavior still didn’t change. He was still quiet and wouldn’t bother to involve himself in a conversation unless someone initiated it first. Jinyoung disliked him then, but at the same time he couldn’t help but to wonder why Jaebum seemed to not want to befriend or get close to anyone.

Things started to change during sophomore year when their professor paired Jinyoung and Jaebum for a project. At first, Jinyoung had been worried about it; he and Jaebum are like complete opposites after all, but after a series of rendezvous at either their places or coffee shops, Jinyoung saw it for himself that Jaebum was nothing like his presumptions. He was actually nice and fun to talk to (and had a really breath-taking smile and beautiful laugh, but Jinyoung was never going to admit that). Jinyoung also found out that they had similar taste in music when he saw an Oh Wonder vinyl amongst Jaebum’s collection.

(“Oh my god, you like Oh Wonder?!”

“Like? I love them! Their music is pure gold!”)

So, once the project ended, Park Jinyoung and Im Jaebum were starting to get close. They went to school cafetaria for lunch together and hung out in each other’s apartments after classes. Every Saturday, if they were both free, they visited a mini indie music store downtown where Jaebum had been a frequent at. Without any of them realizing, five months had passed by.

To say that their blooming friendship was unexpected to Jinyoung was an understatement; it never crossed his mind that he would get this close to the person who initially irritated him with his cold demeanor. Heck, he didn’t even think he’d be engaged in a conversation with Jaebum before, but here they were now. Even so, that didn’t mean Jinyoung disliked it. In fact, Jinyoung thought that Jaebum had grown a little too much on him.

However, there were times when Jinyoung feel like Jaebum was so far from him, so out of reach. It was like there was a wall in between them, built by Jaebum so no one would know about him more than he let them. He knew they had been close only for a few months, but Jinyoung had long realized that he cared about this person more than he had originally planned, and he wanted to know.

“Hey, Jaebum.” Jinyoung said as they both lied carelessly in Jaebum’s living room. Jaebum was so immersed in making a new mixtape, something they had been doing frequently for the past couple of months.

“Hm?”

“Do you trust me?” he asked, voice too soft for Jaebum to hear, but the latter heard anyway. If Jinyoung noticed Jaebum stiffening at his question, he didn’t say anything about it.

“Why are you suddenly asking?”

Jinyoung started playing with his fingers, a little thing he always did when was feeling nervous. “I just wanted to know, I guess.”

“You’re a bad liar, Jinyoung.”

“It’s just… I don’t know. We’ve been getting closer for the past few months, but sometimes I feel like I don’t know you well enough to call you a close friend. Like, there is this strong wall that prevents me from getting to know you better. And I- I don’t like it.”

For what felt like hours, Jaebum just kept quiet. And Jinyoung started to regret everything, what if he had crossed the line and Jaebum didn’t want to be friends with him anymore?

“My parents divorced four years ago,” Jaebum spoke all of a sudden, startling Jinyoung.

“I-I’m sorry. You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to,”

“No, it’s fine. I think it’s about time you know, anyway.”

Jinyoung didn’t have an aswer to that. This is what he wanted, right? To know Jaebum better.

“Yeah, so my parents split up back when I was 15. Mom found out about Dad cheating with his old friend two months prior to the divorce and they had been fighting and screaming profanities at each other every day since. I lived with my mom, of course, completely lost my trust in that man I used to call ‘Dad’.

Ever since that day, I vowed to myself that I’d do whatever it takes to protect my mom, to give her all the love she deserved. And that I would never do what that man do to her when I found someone I love.” Jaebum stopped for a few seconds, taking a deep, long breath, then continued. “Then Jackson happened.”

“Jackson?”

Jaebum nodded. “He was the very first person I fell in love with.”

Jinyoung subconsciously took a deep breath at the 'L’ word. The thought of Jaebum falling in love with someone didn’t sit well with him somehow.

“We met in the dance academy I was a member of, he was a newbie there because his family just moved from Hong Kong. Jackson was so bright, like a bundle of endless energy, always making everyone around him laugh and happy no matter how he was feeling. I used to think that if people were seasons, he’d be summer.”

Trying to ignore a slight pang in his chest at the sight of Jaebum’s longing eyes, Jinyoung asked, “And then?”

“He started to grown on me, then we got close, and after a few months of dancing around each other, I confessed to him. He said yes. We dated.”

Dated? Does this mean not anymore now?

“But then after two years of being together, he broke up with me the day after my high school graduation, which was like three months before uni started. You know what his reason was? He didn’t want to be attached to anyone or anything while he was still young. He wanted to be free. That bastard.” Jaebum chuckled humorlessly, and the sound of it made Jinyoung’s heart ache. He never saw the other look so broken.

“So that’s basically it. When I thought my life had become a lot better, the person who made me think so ended up leaving me as well.”

Jinyoung didn’t reply now that he had gotten the answers to his questions. There was nothing wrong with himself. The ‘wall’ that had been separating them, it was built it because the latter could not trust people easily anymore, not after what happened to him. Jaebum was just too afraid to let people in, afraid that they would break the trust he put in them and leave him like how his father and Jackson did. The guy was just protecting himself from getting hurt again.

But Jinyoung was neither Jaebum’s father nor Jackson. Jinyoung was more than willing to be there for Jaebum and make him happy. The fact that Jaebum had told him about his painful past was a sign that he had started to trust trust Jinyoung, even just a little bit. And for now, it was more than enough for him.

“Jaebum,” he finally said.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

Jaebum quirked his eyebrow, not understanding what Jinyoung was thanking him for. “For what?”

“For telling me all of these, for trusting me.”

Instead of answering, Jaebum just smiled and ruffled Jinyoung’s hair like he was some sort of a cat, but Jinyoung loved it. This was a good start for their friendship.

Since that eventful day, they both were closer than ever. Jinyoung was really glad because Jaebum had started to be more open to him, the wall that he had built the past few years slowly breaking. He was so thankful for it, for the opportunity to be Jaebum’s best friend, someone he trusted.

But Jinyoung should have known from the start how hard it was to be just friends with someone as great as Jaebum. With the amount of time they spent together, it was almost impossible not to fall for the other. It was hard not to fall for the way Jaebum’s eyes light up every time he talked about his favorite songs, or the way he laughed whenever Jinyoung told some corny jokes. It was hard not to fall for the way Jaebum sang, heart-wrenchingly soulful and effortlessly beautiful Jinyoung felt like he could melt. It was hard not to fall for him with the way Jaebum called his name; Jinyoungie, so melodious and sweet and affectionate that it made Jinyoung think that he could listen to it forever.

Most of all, it was hard not to fall for Jaebum when he had the most beautiful smile in the world; that kind of smile who made you think like you could do everything just by looking at it. The smile that made Jinyoung believe that he would be able to go through anything as long as it was there, flickered over Jaebum’s perfectly sculptured face.

And so, before he really knew it, Jinyoung found himself falling for his best friend.

Still, it’s not like Jinyoung could do anything about his feelings. To have Jaebum opening up to him was already a blessing to Jinyoung, he could not afford losing his best friend just because he wanted  them to be more than just the title. Plus, he was pretty sure Jaebum didn’t have the same feelings for him (if how Jaebum sometimes told him that he still missed Jackson was anything to go by). So, if by being best friends was the only way to have Jaebum stay with him, then so be it.

☆

The first time Jaebum saw Park Jinyoung was when the latter entered Mr. Choi’s literature class during freshman year, looking like a lost kid. Jaebum didn’t even bother to pay attention to his classmates, but something about Jinyoung was just so alluring he couldn’t help but stare. Maybe it was the way Jinyoung happily greeted his new classmates, roaming around the room with a spring in his step, or maybe it was his smile; bright and gentle and sincere, reminding Jaebum of the smile of someone whom he used to adore very much.

But Jaebum wasn’t here for romance. He’d had enough of that.

When paired with Jinyoung for a book analysis project and got closer to him after it ended, Jaebum learned that the other wasn’t just than a cheerful personality and a blinding smile, he was so much more than that.

Jinyoung was kind; not just nice, but kind, because anyone could act nice, but not everyone could be kind. Jinyoung was bright and effortlessly funny, yet at the same time calm and incredibly thoughtful. He had an adorable childlike nature that made him impossibly cute, but he was also mature and that was really admirable. He was passionate about what he loved and always so hard-working, making Jaebum want to be a better person for himself.

To Jaebum, Jinyoung was all the good things in this world settled in a human body, a perfection personified. And Jaebum treasured his friend a lot.

Therefore, when Jinyoung asked him whether Jaebum trusted him or not and told him about his confusion, Jaebum couldn’t help but feel bad. He hadn’t realized that his fear of letting people get too close to him was that visible, didn’t realize that Jinyoung was feeling saddened because of it. He was so used to being all by himself, to not letting people in, he wasn’t aware that there was someone who actually cared about him.

So Jaebum did the only thing he should’ve done sooner, telling Jinyoung about his agonizing past and his fears; about how he could’ve still been a normal guy with two parents if his dad did not cheat on his mom and how he could’ve made it to three years with Jackson if only that guy wasn’t so selfish and didn’t leave Jaebum on his own.

There was a pregnant silence before Jinyoung finally responded, making Jaebum taken aback by saying thank you, to what Jaebum didn’t know. But when Jinyoung gave an answer to his confusion, Jaebum couldn’t help the smile that creep automatically into his face.

Without having any thought, he took a hand and ruffled Jinyoung’s soft hair with much affection. Because behind the younger’s expression of gratitude, Jaebum could hear an unspoken promise of you can trust me, i won’t leave you, and he felt that after a long time, he could believe in it this time.

As they got closer, Jaebum began to be more open to Jinyoung. There were times when he missed Jackson so much it became too unbearable to keep to himself, so he told Jinyoung about it. And the other was listening to him and soothing him ever so gently, even though there was always something in his usually bright eyes that Jaebum couldn’t quite place.

The more time he spent with Jinyoung, the more Jaebum realized how hard it was not to fall for his best friend. Not when Jinyoung’s smile was so bright his eyes turned into crescent moon with endearing wrinkles at the end (Jaebum had learned the hard way not to reach out to caress those wrinkles lovingly), not when the sound of his singing voice so angelic and laughter so contagious. Not when Jinyoung looked charmingly serious and engrossed while reading books, or when he slept way too soundly and peacefully, like a harmless baby, making Jaebum have the urge to protect him from all the bad things in the world.

Especially, it was hard not to fall for Jinyoung with the way he looked at Jaebum; all full of light and adoration, as if Jaebum had hung the moon in the sky for him.

Sometimes Jaebum wondered if that look meant anything, if maybe, maybe Jinyoung was some sort of in love with him. But whenever the thought crossed his mind, Jaebum quickly brushed it away. If Jaebum had learned anything from his 19 years of life, it would be not to get his hopes up, because most people would end up leaving him anyway.

It was proved to be almost right. Today was the fourth time in a month Jinyoung had cancelled their plan because that way too good looking senior Mark Tuan kept asking his best friend to hang out with him.

Jaebum didn’t remember when Jinyoung and Mark started to get close.  All he knew was that Jinyoung joined the uni’s art club where Mark was a part of, then everything just happened. Jinyoung began to hang out with Mark more and ditched their usual activities.

Was Jaebum really not worthy of anyone’s love? Because now, even his best friend seemed to be more fond of other person’s company than his.

Jaebum was watching some random TV show in his living room when he heard a knock on the door. He didn’t remember expecting anyone on a Saturday night, because Saturdays were usually spent with Jinyoung.

Jinyoung. That’s the person who was currently standing in front of him.

“Hey,”

Jaebum cleared his throat, coming back from his surprised state. “Uh, hi. You didn’t tell me you were coming. Come in.”

He stepped away to let Jinyoung in, then closed and locked the door.

 “I’m sorry I didn’t let you know I was coming. I was out with Mark-hyung before I came here.” Jinyoung said from where he was sitting on Jaebum’s couch.

Of course it’s Mark again.

Jaebum ignored that and asked instead, “You want anything? Tea? Coffee?”

“No, thanks. Just… can you sit here? I need to ask you something.”

Jaebum made his way to Jinyoung, settling himself next to the other. “What’s up?”

Jinyoung didn’t answer immediately. For a few minutes, they just sat there in silence. Jaebum didn’t like it, because the silence felt strangely uncomfortable. It was never uncomfortable with Jinyoung.

Then all of a sudden, Jinyoung shifted in his seat and faced him. “I… Mark-hyung asked me out earlier. He said he’d liked me for awhile.”

Jaebum felt his heart drop. This, this was what he’d always been afraid of since Jinyoung met Mark. It was happening now.

“What do you think, Jae? Should I say yes?” Jinyoung asked. He didn’t look confused, he looked more like hesitant. Like he wasn’t even sure of asking this to Jaebum.

All Jaebum wanted to say was no, you cannot say yes, you cannot leave me, but instead of voicing it out, Jaebum said, “How am I supposed to know? It’s your life.”

Jinyoung was clearly taken aback by Jaebum’s sudden cold and harsh tone. Jaebum realized that he’d never spoken to him like that before.

Suddenly, Jaebum felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Jae, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Just, I’m so in love with you it hurts.

Jaebum couldn’t do this. He couldn’t be around Jinyoung when it hurt so much. He wanted to scream, wanted to tell him how he felt. But Jaebum didn’t want to ruin everything and regret it later.

“Just leave, Jinyoung. I’m tired.”

“What? Why are you getting so angry all of a sudden? I was just asking for your opinion and now you’re kicking me out?”

“Why did you even ask for my opinion? I wasn’t the one Mark asked out,”

“Because you are my best friend! What the hell is wrong with you?!”

Best friend. The two words hit him harder than they should. That’s what Jaebum was to Jinyoung. A best friend. He was never going to be more than that. They were never going be more than just best friends.

“I said nothing, just go.”

“No, not until you tell me what’s wrong.” Jinyoung was many things, and stubborn was one of them.

When Jaebum still didn’t respond, Jinyoung asked again, his voice desperate. “What’s wrong, Jae?” He put his hand on Jaebum’s shoulder again, but Jaebum jolted back immediately.  

 “I am ing in love with you, Jinyoung! God damn it.”

There, Jaebum said it, the thing he had wanted to say all this time.

Jinyoung looked genuinely surprised, his body stiffened and his eyes went wide. It seemed like he wanted to say something, but Jaebum beat him to it. There was no turning back now.

“You don’t have any idea about it, don’t you? That I’ve been in love with you for almost a year now. Of course you don’t, because you have someone so painfully good looking running after you. Why would Park Jinyoung fall in love with the broken Im Jaebum? You probably wanted to be my friend out of pity.”

The moment he finished, he noticed that Jinyoung’s eyes were watery and his body was shaking, and Jaebum regretted everything immediately.

“, God, Jinyoung, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t cry.”

“You’re stupid.” Jinyoung said suddenly in between his sobs.

What?

“You’re so stupid, but I think I am more stupid.”

“What… what are you talking about now?”

 “I’m in love with you too, Jaebum.”

Jaebum tried to process everything. Did he hear that right? Jinyoung…  his best friend Park Jinyoung was in love with him too? His feelings had never been unrequited in the first place?

“I guess I’ve been in love with you even before you realized that you’re in love with me, you know? When you told me about Jackson, I couldn’t help but feel heartbroken. You should’ve seen the look in your eyes when you talked about him,” Jinyoung laughed, and unlike the usual, it sounded bitter.

“But I put my feelings behind, because yours were- no, are far more important. You’re a great person Jae, and you deserve to be loved and to be happy. And that day, I made a promise to myself that I would do my best to give it to you.”

No, Jaebum thought. It was supposed to be his line. He had always wanted to tell Jinyoung that he is a wonderful person, that he deserves the world and so much more, and that he would do anything to make Jinyoung happy. He wanted to tell Jinyoung that if Jackson was his summer, then Jinyoung was his sun, and his moon, and all of his stars.

Before Jaebum could say anything it, Jinyoung continued. “I tried not to let my feelings get in the way of our friendship. But the closer we get, the harder it is to hold them back. And that’s why I tried to spend less time with you and hang out with Mark-hyung. I’m sorry if I ended up making you feel upset.”

“Don’t.” Jaebum said, taking Jinyoung’s hands into his own. “I should be the one saying sorry, for not realizing my feelings sooner. Sorry I put you through all of this.”

Jinyoung looked up to him, smiling. His eyes still watery but they were shining brighter than ever. Jaebum loved it, he loved the person sitting in front of him so much. And before he knew it, he blurted out, “Can I kiss you?”

He expected Jinyoung to answer him with one of his snarky comments, but he was just nodding,  his cheeks flushed adorably.

So he did it. He pressed his lips to Jinyoung’s pink, plump ones, and it was indescribable. The kiss was soft and sweet yet so hot it made Jaebum think he could melt. He felt Jinyoung pulled back, suddenly climbing into his lap and putting his arms around Jaebum’s neck. Jaebum laughed and immediately wrapped his own around the other’s waist. They kissed again, pouring their feelings into it, letting each other know all the things they always wanted to say but left unsaid.

When they finally parted a few minutes later to catch their breaths, they looked into each other’s eyes.

“I love you, Jinyoung.” Jaebum said.

Jinyoung smiled contently and replied, “I love you too, Jaebum” then he settled his head in the junction between Jaebum’s neck and shoulder.

Jaebum thought back to his life prior to Jinyoung’s existence, when everything was so dark and unhappy and all he fancied was solitude. It never occurred to him that someone so bright and beautiful would come into his life, putting an end to his dark days and illuminating his nights. But now, here he was, sitting on a couch in his ordinary living room with the person he loved so much, in his arms, breathing down his neck.

So Jaebum tightened his hold around Jinyoung’s waist and kissed the back of his head, as he promised himself that he would do whatever it took, everything, as long as the light of his life could always shine, because that was all he ever wanted.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Comments will be very appreciated. Also, hit me up on twitter (@jinhaes)! :)