Someone Like You
JongKey
(inspiration from Adele’s song)

~*~*

“Jonghyun-hyung’s back.”

It’s amazing how those few simple words alone had the strength to bring me to my knees. 

Figuratively speaking of course – with Taemin looking at me with such a guarded expression I couldn’t possibly carryout his worst fears by crumbling into a broken, sobbing mess of a person.

No, I’m too hollow, too numb to express my feelings outwardly.

Looking up from the book I’ve been spending the last 30 minutes pretending to read, I meet Taemin’s worried eyes, smile a little, and say with more interest than I’m feeling, “Oh, really?  That’s great.”

When really I feel like I’m dying on the inside.

~*~*

Three weeks – 21 whole ing days and the bastard never said one word to me about being back in town.  Not only am I pissed off at Jonghyun, I’m also peeved with Taemin and Minho; our mutual friends who have obviously been in contact with him.

Two more weeks pass after Taemin’s confession before I break down and go to Jonghyun’s apartment.

It used to be our apartment – our living room, our kitchen, our bathroom, our bedroom…

But I can’t afford to think about that.

Standing outside of the familiar door, waiting in the familiar hallway, I hesitate before ringing the doorbell. 

He’s home – I confirmed it with Minho without cluing the other in on why I wanted to know.  I didn’t call or text message Jonghyun before hand, even though I’ve been told his phone number is still the same.  I couldn’t risk the chance of him coming up with some excuse for not seeing me.

I can hear him moving through the apartment, coming to answer the door after I’ve rang the doorbell.  On the outside I know how I look – aloof, collected, a little bored.  On the inside, it’s like a hurricane of emotion, tearing open my still healing wounds from the last time I saw him.

When we broke up…

But I can’t afford to think of that now, not when the door is opening, and I’m suddenly looking into my favorite pair of warm, brown eyes.

Eyes that are paralyzed by the same shock I felt when I heard of his return.

Slightly chapped lips part and inhale a quick breath.  “Kibum…”

~*~*

I can only describe the feeling of walking around the park Jonghyun and I used to frequent before he left as weird.

Weird because we’re walking around not touching or holding hands – each of our respectable pairs of hands are tucked safely in our coat pockets.

Weird because the park is so achingly familiar that with each step we take I half expect Jonghyun wrap his arms around me and tease me like he used to.

Weird because even though he broke my heart and left me without a word and now there’s this new dynamic to our relationship as exes…he’s still the easiest person to talk to.

Much to my disappointment, I can’t hate him.  I don’t think I ever could.

~*~*

After my surprise visit, he invites me in, but I kindly decline – preferring instead to have this out in neutral territory.  He nods and turns to grab his shoes and coat, but not before I catch a flicker of…guilt? remorse? on his face.

And then there’s the park – which was an oversight on my part.  Nothing here is neutral territory.  This neighborhood is filled with memories of us – best friends, roommates, falling in love, lovers, heartbreak, and separation.  This small little corner of the world saw it all, and I’m replaying it over and over in my head as we walk.

We start with the mundane things.  Things like “So how have you been?” and “I’m sorry I didn’t call you sooner, I’ve just been so busy…” and “I wish things wouldn’t have ended the way they did…”

But I put a halt to even referencing the break up.  That’s not why I’m here. 

Or is it?

We fill in each other in on the past 18 months of each other’s lives that we’ve missed.  There’s a lot of laughter and smiles – much more than I ever thought possible upon our inevitable reunion.

The sun is setting, but neither one of us want to stop walking and talking – or maybe it’s just me – but then Jonghyun’s phone starts ringing.  He apologizes, digging his phone out of his pants pocket.  I merely shrug and laugh, making some comment about him still being as popular as ever.  He just grins – the curve of his lips still make my stomach flutter – and answers the call, his whole face lighting up when he realizes the caller’s identity.

“Hyung!”

The excitement and affection laced within that one word…and I can feel my heart breaking all over again, my world crumbling out from underneath my feet.  And I curse myself over and over for harboring hope, for thinking that we could have again what was once ours.

Of course that’s all on the inside.  On the outside I’m the poster child for being disinterested – even going so far as to politely step away during his phone conversation.

It’s the whispered “I love you, too, hyung” at the closing of the conversation that the first trail of wetness rolls down my cheek.

He doesn’t notice, too busy checking the time on his phone and shoving it pack into his pocket.  I’m not really facing him; I can only just see him from the corner of my eye.  I swiped at my face inconspicuously and turn to face him, a small questioning smile on my face.

The way he looks at me, it’s almost like he’s seeing me properly for the first time since I appeared on his doorstep.  He was always so easy to read – how could I have forgotten that.

He starts to say something, but I hold up a hand stopping him.

“I don’t really want hear what you have to say, Jjong.” My old nickname for him easily falls off my tongue, but it burns coming out.  “I don’t want to intrude on any of your evening plans.  I’ll head back now.” 

I can tell he’s taken aback and not at all pleased with my rebutting him before he can even come up with an excuse to be rid of me.

But I’m not really being fair to him.

I smile and clench my fingers into fists inside my coat pockets before I give into temptation and reach out to touch him.  “I’ll find someone else like you, Jonghyun.  It…doesn’t hurt to say this now but I sincerely wish nothing but the best for you, and I hope you’re happy now with…Jinki.”

He takes a step towards me, but I quickly retreat.  “Kibummie, please – “

I shake my head at him, slowly backing away.  “Just don’t forget me, okay?  Bye, Jjong.” 

Turning around and walking away from the person whom I have always considered to be the love of my life turns out to be only the second hardest thing in I’ve ever had to do in my life.

The first being letting him walk away from me. 

~*~*

^_^v