chapter one 

 ethereal

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Envy followed the boy, everywhere as others would comment on how his skin was so smooth and soft, caressing his arm and wondering on how it was.They would comment on how delicate he looked, just like a flower.Each footstep being small and quiet and when he danced, it was unlike other dancers who moved with such power. When he did so, attempting to move to heavy music and the exact movements that others did,it looked so out of place. He still ended up looking as graceful as ever. People would comment on his hair, on how soft it was and how it still looked beautiful despite the fact he's dyed it so many times. Even if it was messy and Jihoon had purposely left in uncombed, still people went up to him and praised on how nice he looked that day.

His face still looked the same from the past but each feature had matured beautifully to the disgust of Lee Jihoon. He hated being complimented everyday, he didn't want to live in a world where he didn't even need to lift a single finger for anything. Everyone else wished to live in a world full of luxuries and riches but he wondered every single day, how his life would be if he never got complimented at all. If no one had used him as an example to compare others to.If no one said that he was brighter than the star sirius. Jihoon never understood. Out of all people,why did they have to compliment him. Why? Lee Jihoon out of all people?

He's tried everything but everytime as he stares into his reflection, he sees nothing different at all.Staring at the bruises on his legs that have coloured his pale, thin legs for a while.Some had began to fade away while some were prominent as the blues and blacks stared at everyone else. The scar on his cheek, he poked it and looked at his cheek again.'Take care of yourself', he remembered everyone cooing at him, pinching his cheek as they noticed the bandaid on his face with pororo figures on it.'You shouldn't mess up that beautiful face of yours', his face never seemed pretty but he still received the same messages. The pale skin that others envied, overtime became covered in red markings that he thought was much better than his overall appearance.Jihoon's wrists was covered with the same crimson as the ticks on his papers. He liked it but no matter what,it was still the same with how pretty he looked.Lifting his shirt up, he saw the same flat stomach that has stuck him with since grade one. It was always flat like an ironing board.No matter what he ate,it was the same. His cheeks were still the same as before.He pinched his cheek to affirm his thought. When he never did eat, he looked in the mirror again to find his cheeks were the same as before.His stomach seemed similar to before and no change had happened and no matter what,at the end of the day Lee Jihoon was pretty.

His smiled has never dulled from the years he's spent in this hellhole named life.Jis eyes still crinkled cute and his lips were still in the same sweet, innocent position. His smiled was bright as ever and his eyes,sighing at the mentioning of them.He leaned closer towards the mirror and stared at his relflection. Jihoon looked at his eyes and saw the stars in them yet again,still bright and attractive as ever. His dark eyes full of intrigue and beauty,the same ones everyone loved and cherished.'Such ethereal beauty', Seungcheol would mutter in history. Recalling when he saw the other brooding over what Jihoon thought were dates in history. But when Jihoon went to collect his worksheet to hand to the teacher,he found doodles of Jihoon in Seungcheol's notebook.

'He even coloured it' he thought, looking at the pink crayon marks that made up Jihoon's hair in the drawing. A cute, facial expression that made him laugh softly, wondering when he was ever this nice looking and the details of his uniform. From the way Jihoon wore his uniform, the top button undone and his tie hanged around loosely,opposed to Seungcheol's tie. He buttoned all up and his tie was on snugly, the pride showing as everything was just neat. Flustered,Seungcheol covered his face,that was coloured with a bright pink,with his sleeve. His other arm to cover his work so Jihoon couldn't make fun of him.

'It's nothing Jihoon-ssi' Seungcheol said,face as bright as a tomato as he tried to cover his cheeks as much as he could. Dumbfounded,Jihoon just nodded,walking back to the teacher's desk. Placing the stack of worksheets on her desk as the teacher smiled sweetly at him. He returned to his seat and trance about clouds and lyrics but the boy kept on invading his thoughts. He turned over, looking at Seungcheol and squinted to see what his nameplate read, Choi Seungcheol. Seungcheol had invaded his dreams and Jihoon couldn't stop thinking on how soft his voice was yet deep. On how he talked as if he was telling a secret. But Jihoon really wanted to know the boy in his class more.The boy with the ruffled,black hair and broken glasses that sat in his class. The boy that he never noticed before.

He tried to shrug Seungcheol off but the boy was entering his mind. He doubted that he could ever get rid of Choi Seungcheol out of his brain. Instead of formulas and essay techniques,he was remembering Seungcheol's dark hair cut into a fashion similar to a bowlcut. His round glasses that was binded together via sticky tape and the way how they looked loose on him. How he was caught offhand and how a lovely pink dusted his cheeks. Sighing yet again, he looked at his hands that were covered in ink but still appeared as pretty as they usually did. Soft, pale palms and slender fingers. Years of piano and practice has helped shaped his fingers into they were today.But sometimes he wished,that his fingers were chubbier,like Seungcheol's. Maybe then people wouldn't hold his hand in amazement and mutter on how one's hand could be so beautiful.It was times like this when Jihoon questioned the definition of beautiful.As others stood there,admiring every detail that the world had gifted him as he just stood there,still as ever nodding at all their compliments. Seungcheol said that he should’ve taken his hands for granted as the boy tugged on his sleeves again,sheepishly smiling at Jihoon.He could never understand Choi Seungcheol and the short moments they shared.

Seungcheol was different from everyone else and Jihoon had only started noticing the boy two weeks ago when the teacher had arranged a seating plan. He still kept his natural hair colour but felt like dying it because he felt like he needed to fit in more.So maybe then people would notice him. His skin was darker and his arms had scars around, it was not as soft as Jihoon’s. He noticed the other changing before sport and Jihoon noticed,the small bit of flab on Seungcheol’s stomach. On how Seungcheol’s fourth finger had a callus. He noticed on how the boy held his pen differently from everyone else.With his left hand and fourth finger,it was easy to notice that it was his work when some kid had purposely nudged his arm causing the ink to smudge. It was a surprise to Jihoon when the day he saw Seungcheol’s handwriting for the first time,it was neater than most. Each word was evenly spaced and jihoon found it perfect.How the boy would fluster when Jihoon was near or speaking to him or how his hair stuck to his face after sport.

Okay he had to admit,Seungcheol in sport was never a pretty sight. Remembering the last time they had sport where Seungcheol fell to the ground,a basketball hitting his face and because Jihoon had never noticed him before.Along with the other kids,He laughed softly as everyone else clapped in joy.As if they scored another three pointer. The teacher just scowled and blew the whistle, pulling Seungcheol away from the game and sending him to the nurse.

It was moments like this when Jihoon thought that his life was better but it didn’t help when the day Seungcheol approaced him. When Seungcheol said hi and the two struck a conversation. It was a while since Jihoon had a nice conversation with someone and it was nice for him, to say the least. As if yellow flowers bloomed that day and when the pink haired boy realised everything about Seungcheol. Gradually learning the boy’s true self. How pretty Seungcheol could be without the glasses, the ones with a golden frame and sticky tape binding it together ever since someone ‘accidentally’ stepped on them. He now realises that every piece of writing Seungcheol wrote was so clever and its true meanings. On how Seungcheol was so bright and could shine but never got the chance to. How he was too meek to submit his essay in for a competition. Jihoon realised of the drawings all hidden in the back pages of his notebook and were mainly of Jihoon, Seungcheol just sheepishly smiled replying with uneasiness dripping in his deep voice. Nodding,he just moved onto another subject.

Jihoon never realised on how hard Seungcheol studied compared to Jihoon who normally with half a heart,completed his homework and assignments. He found it weird that there were small reminders on his homework and post it notes. How organised it was. Compared to Jihoon’s notes all smudged,he felt ashamed since Seungcheol was left handed but not a single page was smudged,only one in his maths book. But he only replied that he knew the answers already and memorised the formulas. He still found the other writing equations as if his life had depended on it and Jihoon still tried to stay with the same,blank face he had. Looking at the other on how Seungcheol had tried so hard. But his heart was aching and it shattered looking at the fury of crosses on Seungcheol’s work, to see that he scored less than Jihoon and that he only received 60 marks as usual. It was moments like these that Jihoon would gladly and would never hesitate to trade lives with Seungcheol. Because the other still laughed it off. Not minding when someone else kicked him in the corridors or that his cheek was bleeding. He didn’t seem to mind it when his glasses broke again or if he had another bruise on his leg. It wasn’t until Jihoon yelled at the other to take care of himself and rolled up Seungcheol’s sleeves to find the same ruby lines that Jihoon owned on his own arms.It wasn't Seungcheol's will but Jihoon had snapped at the other, when he saw that Seungcheol's arm was bleeding. Some kid at school had tried to hit him with scissors, Jihoon wished that he could have helped. He regretted it deeply but then, the boys in their class was ruthless. Seungcheol would have cried and shouted at Jihoon for being stupid.

‘S-seungcheol can i see your legs too?’ Jihoon looked at the other, whom just shook his head repeatedly. He didn't want to show him everything, the art he drew with a blade and his skin. Seungcheol hated revealing himself or opening up, he just never liked it. Jihoon glared at the other. Seungcheol gulped as Jihoon rolled up the hem of Seungcheol's slacks. He saw more red markings adorning the boy’s legs. The same colour as the crosses and fireworks on Seungcheol’s recent test and like Seungcheol’s worn out, red backpack. Just like the pencil Seungcheol often wrote with, the one that caused his callus to harden even more. The same red as the autumn leaves and Jihoon's lunchbox. It was then that, Jihoon wondered what Choi Seungcheol really was like.

He looked at his appearance again in the mirror and washed his face.Trying to drown himself with the same words Seungcheol thought about him.

‘I'm pretty’. Lies,he thought as multiple other voices reminded Jihoon that he was the epitome of ugliness and would never get any better. That he was never cute or pretty, that everyone was lying to make him feel better.

‘I’m precious’. But as if more people invaded his mind, another voice cut his thoughts out. No optimism in these thoughts ,it said as Jihoon gulped. You’re useless, another voice slithered into his thoughts and he looked in the mirror again. Reminding himself of Seungcheol again, he nodded, agreeing in what his mind told him.That Seungcheol deserved so much better and it was Jihoon’s fault for hoarding everything. The only solution was to cut Jihoon’s existence away and yet again, he held the blade up again. Choking back a sob as he took another glance  at the scars on his arms, he couldn’t do this anymore. Not anymore,it hurt too much. He hated crying and being weak, it just made him even more pathetic then he already was. Bringing an arm to his eyes, rubbing them and wiping the salty tears away. Dropping the blade to the ground as a soft thud was heard, no more. No more,no more scars. His skin was fine. No more.He thought looking at the mirror and thinking about Seungcheol, I can at least stop for him.

It wasn’t until a while and not any of them reminded of the day when Jihoon knew about Seungcheol’s depression. He didn’t mention the scars on his body, the one body that Jihoon found pretty enough for his eyes. On how if Seungcheol lifted his shirt, he could eye his ribs poking out and how Seungcheol wouldn’t answer to Jihoon’s repeated question of if he ate or not. He replied saying that he didn't want to bother Jihoon with his problems. But he knew that answer to the question was no,both of them did. Jihoon knew that the ‘candies’ that Seungcheol digested weren’t candy or anything sweet.But he never said anything at all because he didn’t want to bother anyone Seungcheol about it. Jihoon knew the label on the box of the 'candies' Seungcheol digested, he knew the side effects but never said anything.

‘Hey Cheol,what do you want to do in the future?’ Jihoon brought up casually, twiriling his chopsticks in the air randomly. A habit that he never really paid attention and he doubted anyone else did either.

‘I-i don’t know’ the other would mutter, taking another bite of his rice and looking at the ground. Jihoon wished that Seungcheol would open up to him more so then he could understand his pain or at least, know what’s going on in Seungcheol’s brain. It was these times when Jihoon would forget and ignore on how slender his fingers were or how soft his hair was. Or how pale his skin was, it became darker than before. Because Jihoon would drag Seungcheol out to the sun so he could socialise more and his skin was still pale but not as pale as before.

When Seungcheol  gradually became good basketball or decent enough, when he didn’t get hit anymore and could shoot into the goal. Jihoon felt proud looking at his friend,cheered on others. When Seungcheol would grin ear to ear,looking at the others who patted him on the back. Qhen he could run enough to last hours and hours. When Jihoon helped Seungcheol with his new contact lenses. Convincing the boy that he looked so much better without glasses. How he didn't need them to continue and live,there were contact lenses that could help with his eyesight. Because of it, Jihoon forgot about how he felt and after staying with straightfaced the whole time. Laughing and smiling with Seungcheol. Realising on how truly beautiful and loveable he was. When he finally got Seungcheol’s words and believed in them and that he was worth of someone’s love. It was these sweet moments that Jihoon and cherished, never regretting the first action to talk back to Choi Seungcheol.

It was until the one day of course, a hanja test came up. Jihoon knew how to write already, Junhui had helped with him before. But Seungcheol had his fingers dug into his hair. His pencil gripped tightly and his paper slanted as usual, Jihoon just ignored him and continued with his test. He noticed Seungcheol asking the teacher to go to the toilet and Jihoon ignored it because he never thought of it much. Just that the boy needed to go to do his business,that was it. When in truth, Seungcheol with his hands in his pockets walked up to the school rooftop. Sitting and writing down a few words as tears gradually fell from his face but he could only ignore them, he knew it was for the greater good. Placing one foot on the bar that secured students from falling to the ground,another foot below that as he sighed. Biting his lip,thoughts invaded his mind as the pink haired boy he’s liked so long, he could only imagine Jihoon’s reactions. Even if a bit of him that wanted to remind himself that he was so much better than this and that Jihoon would be miserable, the rest wouldn’t take it. Jihoon will be happy,Seungcheol thought and knew that his existence was nothing but a hindrance to Jihoon. It was for the better, he said to himself as he threw the eraser he held for so long behind him, landing on the ground.

He looked at the view beneath him, he never had anyone and never will. Jihoon didn’t like him at all,it was just all out of pity. He’d study so much but gained nothing and how he drew but nothing occured.He was useless,so worthless. Born to be a form of entertainment for others so everyone else can feel better. So they can laugh at. That was it,there was no hope for Choi Seungcheol.Why was he even created? He didn’t do anything and he thought to himself, everyone would cheer in delight at the thought of Choi Seungcheol dead. His heart was aching again like the day he found Lee Jihoon was kissed by Kwon Soonyoung, everyone cheered and cooed on how they were such a cute pair. His heart couldn't bear to think of Jihoon,tearing the boy emotionally apart. Better to just get rid of that memory,every memory. Let's get this over with. He thought, it being better for him to let this over with so his heart didn't have to beat for Lee Jihoon. So his heart didn't have to suffer anymore. Seungcheol sighed yet again and shut his eyes tightly, clenching his fist tightly his pocket and placed his other foot on the bar, aligned with the first foot he placed on the bar. He took one off and fell, slowly regretting not saying the last thing he ever wanted to say to Lee Jihoon but it was over. He fell deep into a void of nothing and that was it.

‘I love you Lee Jihoon’

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